12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119137106#Comment_119137106

Thanks CrookedJack, just realised this is a very old thread that somehow got bumped to the top!

tea and coffee

Do you think that maybe not being angry and upset over the break up is causing you to feel that it's still lurking around? That sense of unfairness.

bitofabind

Hi OP, thanks for the update. Glad you have this thread as an outlet.

One thing about us humans that seems to escape us as we're living through it is that we do the things we do because they have a pay-off. They are coping mechanisms. That's why this whole forum can exist, that's why therapists exist, because we tie ourselves in knots to protect ourselves emotionally as part of our survival.

I read your latest update and thought, obviously this guy is in a rut. Obviously he's had a string of relationships with the wrong women since his initial post and now is staying in one that has no future out of a sense of misplaced loyalty. Similar to if you put your hand on a hot stove, got burned and decided never to go near a cooker again. You had your heart torn out of your chest by your wife, who you spent half your life with, so going "all in" with a suitable partner again seems like madness and literal death to the part of your brain and body that is just trying to survive. This is survival, the fight or flight or freeze thing. You're frozen and stuck in paralysis by analysis thinking about the future because the last time you felt comfortable with someone, and didn't worry about these things, let your guard down - you got caught out.

Think about the pay-off for staying in the wrong relationship - you don't have to open yourself up to that kind of devastation again. In addition to "looking" like you're "doing well" - you've got a partner, a good job, a good life. It's a very smart coping mechanism really. But is it working for you? Is it going to work for your partner, who's clearly being massively triggered by your lack of commitment given her own trauma?

What would it look like to live a life on your own terms? To get your head straight, to continue your own healing, to end your relationship and make some summer plans you could get excited about, to get a dog, to go "all in" on your own life and stop following the ideas that society has for what your life should look like? To take the chance on being single for a while, since it's something you've never really had to get used to, and to jump into the uncertainty of doing things your way? I had to ask myself all of these questions a few years ago, and ended up making some big scary life decisions - move country, moved job, spent years single after a LT relationship - and guess what, no-one died. Making one bold decision facilitated the others because I realised that I can do hard things and not fall off a cliff, in fact doing so makes me more confident, most trusting in myself, more resilient.

I think right now your relationship rut is very smart, because it's keeping your brain in a safety zone, safe from having to lose it all, all over again. We all do this - I still do it by ruminating on things, procrastinating on big decisions, imposter syndrome in a new job etc - and then I catch it and thank myself for trying to keep myself safe, and remind myself that I'm an adult and I don't need to do that anymore. I can choose the right, hard thing and I can handle the risks that come with that.