Husband not helping (rant)

TheRiverman

twowheelsonly wrote: »

This....all day long.

If you really want to keep it going then keep a much smaller amount of stock, perhaps treat it as a 'hobby' farm for a couple of years if that suits. I'd be getting rid of everything and taking a 2 or 3 year sabbatical anyway. The farm isn't going anywhere and you can pick it up again later if and when things improve.

BTW, between the 2 jobs do you have 40 or 50 Euro a week to spare ? That's all a cleaner / home help will cost for a couple of hours a week and it'd be money well spent. If OH thinks it's a waste of money then get him to do the work instead. Surely he can spare that 2 or 3 hours a week if he wants to save the money ?

€20-25 per hour for a cleaner ?

Little Miss Fun

justfillmein wrote:

that's worthy of a whole thread itself

What appropriate forum do you think I could open that type of topic on ?(im new to posting here but would like to see feedback on this topic)

heroics

TheRiverman wrote: »

€20-25 per hour for a cleaner ?

It’s about 10€ where I am

justfillmein

Little Miss Fun wrote: »

What appropriate forum do you think I could open that type of topic on ?(im new to posting here but would like to see feedback on this topic)

I would love that too, but I'm actually not sure where exactly it could be discussed.
it can't go into 'relationship issues' because that's just for if you have a personal issue yourself, not a general discussion.
maybe someone else could point you in the right direction.
or maybe you could message a mod from here to ask??

Little Miss Fun

heroics wrote:

It’s about 10€ where I am

I dont want to hijack this thread so if mods or anyone could direct me to the appropriate forum to raise my discussion. Cheers

dixiefly

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hey all.
So I'm now 29 weeks pregnant and sorry but I have to rant.!!!
Anyone else have a husband that is just not helping.??
I get up at 6 every morning get our son ready and out to school.
H gets up at 8.
I make his lunch for work and his cup a tea.
He goes to work and I go to our farm.
Feed all animals which is very physical..
I'm out on the farm till roughly 3 .
Back home try get the housework sorted cook dinner.
Son comes home I help do homework.
Back out to farm to feed again.
Back home at 6.
H comes home eats dinner and sits up watching TV or on his phone.
I bring son to matches or training . Back to farm for 8/9 to do night feed .
Sort out calves for bottles etc.
Go home and do studying with h cause he has exam in a month.
He goes to bed and I am up till after 12 doing work for him to study .
I don't sleep much and I'm back up at 6.
Not only all that through my day I'm also trying to get the house ready for baby so putting stuff in attic painting the house etc. I'm swamped with house work and washing. ..
H told me I'm different towards him lately and I let loose .
I'm doing more work on farm etc than before I got pregnant! !
Is it just me and hormones or wat is people's opinion ?? I feel like I'm losing my mind .
Is it too much to ask for a small hand??

Sorry for the long rant but I'm steaming here!!!

Very strange that this issue has become so extreme. I think that in many families the wife has taken on the majority of the work but to this extent I think it's very rare.

It is also very odd. He is left a farm yet you do the majority of the work on it.

And you make his lunch, wow!!

What is he working at? Does he earn good money? If he does and if his job is reasonably steady I think I would advise so, similar to others here to give up the routine farm work and possibly lease the farm. I know entitlements etc can be complicated but you are pregnant and really that should be your predominant priority.

Neyite

Conservatory wrote: »

Years of evolution. The last decade or two has told men they have a whole new role in life. They have been the breadwinners and women have been the child minder since cavemen days. They mightn’t see a pile of dishes like a woman sees them. It’s probably a bit biological.

It's not. His eyes are just fine. He just has decided that he will do his bit that he wants to do and everyone around him can pick up the slack, his heavily pregnant wife, his son, father and mother. Those aren't the actions of a man. And if it was my son I'd be mortified at his behaviour. He'd be getting his arse (metaphorically) kicked and no way would I be feeding him when his wife has no dinner and is too busy to prepare one for him.


Something's got to give here, and unless he wants his pregnant wife to go into premature labour he needs to step up and be the one lugging around stuff to the livestock.

the_syco

Farmerstatia wrote: »

The family is a family farm and has been handed down to him

As said, sell most of the stock, and keep some low maintenance animals. If he refuses, don't do a tap of work on the farm, and let him know as much.

Midnight Sundance

OP I don’t mean to be blunt here but In my opinion a lot of your problems are you!
Don’t get me wrong with what I am going to say below because I actually think you seem to be an amazingly kind, generous and person who looks after everyone else except themself!
Your family are very lucky to have you and all you do for them.
In saying that.... only you can fix this situation by not being so agreeable and having so many fingers in so many pies.
Firstly, HIS uncles carer?? Is there anyone else that can care for him? Could this not be one stress taken from your basket of stresses??

HIS lunches, his dinners, his dream farm, his early nights. It’s all about him!!! Stop the lunches!! Stop the farm, you said it is his family farm,? Let him take charge!!

Make the dinners you sons priority maybe for a little while . I was 13 and had to cook the dinners while my mam worked. It was my job and I didn’t mind.

Hire a cleaner to help with the housework.
Get some microwave dinners in if you have to
And you need to sit down with husband and make a list of all the chores that need to be done and divide it between ye!!
You keep saying you need to do all these things. What would happen if you couldn’t ? You need to prioritise right now and your main priority is your baby!! Don’t make excuses. We can all do that and make ourselves out to be indespensible but in reality there’s always someone to replace us

Now is the time for you to look after you!! Best of luck!!!

miss_shadow

I didn't see if it was suggested here yet but would you be able to find a labourer/farm help in your local area looking for a few bob and take them on for a few hours a day or so. Would finances allow that? It's not going to get any easier for you as your pregnancy progresses and when baby comes along you'll barely have time for yourself with your son and newborn.

Framed10

"Like h doesn't go near farm now and the farm is his passion he just says he too tired.."
"He had gone back to his mams for lunch cause he stayed in bed too long and didn't have time to make his own lunch! So he went back to his mam!
He was never like this before in regards to helping on farm..."

Was just reading through all the posts and whilst I agree totally with all the views that you're doing way too much yourself and he needs to pull his weight, but two other points jumped out at me.

You say he was never like this before in regards to helping on the farm. That when he comes home from work he has his dinner and sometimes just goes on his phone, is too tired etc. That the farm is his passion. He doesnt generally get up before 8

So how was he before then? Why is it no longer his passion? I'm in no way making excuses for him but just wondered has something triggered this? From how you describe things he seems to have a general lack of interest?

farmerval

OP
The issue her is that you (collectively) want to run an operation that requires more labour than you have. I commiserate about your husband's laz attitude regarding family life, doing things with your son, sharing the domestic chores etc. but the elephant in the room is the farm.

You, your 14 year old son, your FIL as much as he can and your husband when he does help, how much work is there? what can be done to reduce the workload dramatically. You should not be doing any heavy work now, no mind to say as your pregnancy (congrats by the way) goes on.
You talk about the farm work like it's life or death, it's not it's work that has been taken on by choice.
The solution is not simply your husband bucking himself up, there's presumably reasons why he's not helping now, you need to find what they are. Maybe having always wanted to farm now it's not what he thought it would be. When I was farming and now when frinds and in laws at it, the most amazing thing I see is how so many farmers see no cost in their own time. I have two neighbours, one milks 330 cows the other 65. Guess wjich one has miles more family time?

Third_Echelon

You need to make a list of tasks and rank them in order of priority and assign an amount of time that each task takes to complete. Then assign these tasks to yourself, husband and son (whatever he can do to help - as you say, he's still a kid).

You only have a certain amount of time per day to do these tasks. Doing 50 things at the same time means that you just get burned out and the 50 things get done badly. You simply have too many tasks and not enough 'manpower' to complete them properly.

Break down your day and insert the most important items/tasks (importance/priority should now change away from 'farm' to 'taking care of yourself'). Anything outside of that bucket of tasks that isn't priority will let you know what needs to change, i.e. reduce workload by reducing farming tasks. Complete this cycle of livestock etc, but you need to re-evaluate after that and sell up. Take a break. Sounds like you're OK with your husband's salary from his day job?

You'd be surprised how effective seeing the tasks on paper and assigning them to a person will help in getting things done.