Cold feet or normal worries?

rainbowtrout

OP 2 wrote: »

He really is a very sweet guy and I hope that does come across too. He is just a bit of a work-a-holic. As some one said I don't even think he realises he prioritises work over me, it's just what he's like. He would be quite sensitive too, I can see that my unhappiness is having an effect on him. He's love to 'fix it'.

Fix it? You've given him some very easy suggestions that would allieviate your boredom and isolation and contribution to your happiness only he 'can't be arsed' to go anywhere with you. Those are not the actions of a man who is sensitive to your needs and wants to fix the problem.

osarusan

It sounds like you've talked about it, and he knows how you feel, but he won't (or simply can't) make any changes to give you more time and freedom together.

He seems to be working towards a point where everything is resolved and you have time to spend together...but what does that resolution involve, exactly?

Is it the point where he inherits the farm?
Is it the point that he gets a job that pays well enough that he doesn't have to work crazy hours (before doing extra work on the farm)?
Is it the point that you just stop complaining about things?

Whatever the resolution is, do you have any sense that it is getting closer, or does it seem as far away as ever? And are you willing to put up with things as they are now, until they get better?

EDIT: As an aside, you say in the OP that you've been together 6 years, and lived together most of that time. Where was this, and what was he doing then? Was it on the farm, same as now, or somewhere else?

If it was somewhere else, did he always know (and did you always know) that he was going to end up back on the family farm?

sorry for all the questions.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

It sounds like you've talked about it, and he knows how you feel, but he won't (or simply can't) make any changes to give you more time and freedom together.

He seems to be working towards a point where everything is resolved and you have time to spend together...but what does that resolution involve, exactly?

Is it the point where he inherits the farm?
Is it the point that he gets a job that pays well enough that he doesn't have to work crazy hours (before doing extra work on the farm)?
Is it the point that you just stop complaining about things?

Whatever the resolution is, do you have any sense that it is getting closer, or does it seem as far away as ever? And are you willing to put up with things as they are now, until they get better?

EDIT: As an aside, you say in the OP that you've been together 6 years, and lived together most of that time. Where was this, and what was he doing then? Was it on the farm, same as now, or somewhere else?

If it was somewhere else, did he always know (and did you always know) that he was going to end up back on the family farm?

sorry for all the questions.

I will ask him that, when will be the point when he does have time. He is super stressed at the moment, as I said with the farm and the weather, he is flat out busy working doing stupid hours contracting, I really don't want to be stressing him out more because he's got a lot on, he wouldn't be one to complain but he is under serious pressue. But equally I cannot wait as the wedding is rapidly approaching.

We meet abroad, lived there approx a year, then I lived in a near large city when we moved home, he'd stay 3 nights a week and then spend either weekends at his parents or mine. That was for about a year and a half. Then I lost my job and I moved to the countryside. I suppose at the beginning I didn't know, then when we did come back to Ireland I would have known I did know moving here that, that was his intention. We never really discussed it but I would have known.

I really think it would be easier if I could make friends and have my own life. I have been making efforts and I am hoping that with studying done and dusted now I can focus more on hobbies and clubs that I am interested in and rely on his less.

Emme

OP the best thing you can do is postpone the wedding and attend a course of Accord counselling with your fiance. I think this would really help both of you particularly if this is his first serious relationship. If you go ahead and get married as things are nothing will change, in fact they will get worse. You MUST do this together and if he can't or won't find the time to do this you're flogging a dead horse.

About the drinking - you are responsible for your own health so stop unhealthy drinking for your own sake.

determinedlass

Emme has said it a lot better than I ever will. Please listen to the advice given OP. Otherwise, if you do get married without firmly confronting the issues mentioned, you cannot say you had not been warned.

osarusan

How do you think he will react to you saying you are considering postponing the wedding?