Sopranos best jokes

HandsomeBob

tinpib wrote: »

IT'S A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY!!!

And then way, way after that was a big part of the story, Paulie mentions something like

Paulie:"I'm thinking of putting Ma into that same retirement community as your mother"

Tony: "IT'S A NURSING HOME!!"

"I never recommended it" delivered by Tony in such a bemused way in response to Paulie always had me in stitches.

AndrewJRenko

Silvio Dante : I stick motherf¿ck1ng provolone in my socks at night so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning! All right? So leave the fu¿ck1ng, c0cksuck1ng cheese where it is!

From the poker game with Frank Sinatra junior

irishme

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your c**k, I'll suck all your c**ks!!!!
Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our c**ks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

irishme

Tony Soprano: (to Anthony Junior) Look at your face! If you got some kind of sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever, now is the time to tell us! I mean, what went on up there! Poppers and weird sex!!

EagererBeaver

How's the boy?

What boy's that, Tony?

The one you're sleeping with.

irishme

Bakery Clerk: You mother****er! You shot my foot!
Christopher : It happens.

it sure does Christopher,,,it sure does

irishme

Bobby : To the victor, belongs the spoils.
Tony : Why don't you get the **** outta here before I shove your quotations book up your fat ****in' ass.

retalivity

The episode were Carmella has an affair with AJ's teacher, he comes round to the house when Tony is there

Tony: What'd that fag want?
Carmela: Christ, Tony, everybody's a fag to you. You know, maybe you're a fag, you ever think about that?
Tony: Can I help it if I know one when I see one?
Carmela: Oh really? What are the signs? Education? Culture?
Tony: Sucking a guy's cock usually tips me off.

irishme

Paulie Walnuts: So, how many guys you gotta jerk off on a massage table ta make that?
Tony Blundetto: I don't know. What do ya charge without the table.

Nodster

Enforcer from Tony's crew phones the boss with an update "Remember the two horses you backed? Well they both lost"

irishme

Uncle Junior:
They said in the guide it's an Italian movie, but even with the captions I can't tell what's what. They had Jesus hanging off a helicopter, but you could tell it was a dummy.

irishme

Phil Leotardo: What's a matter Joey, you got a ****in' eye problem! You look like Stevie Wonder, your eyes rollin' around!

uncle jun and philly definayley have the best lines

irishme

Phil: You know that fat cocksucker says I look like the Shah of Iran?

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

the way ralphie says whóre

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SoCRAswbNA

EagererBeaver

georgiecasey wrote: »

the way ralphie says whóre

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SoCRAswbNA

Hoo-ah.

One of my favourite bits is when Sil drags Tracy out of Ralph's to get her back to the Bing. Ralph protests mildly but is such an absolute sociopath that he's laughing out the window as Sil slaps her around

Dyr

georgiecasey wrote: »

the way ralphie says wh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SoCRAswbNA

Reminds me of this

Tony: You think Ralph is a little weird about women?
Silvio: I dunno Tone..I mean he beat one to death, just for....ehh. I forget. What was it for?

_Dara_

irishme wrote: »

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your c**k, I'll suck all your c**ks!!!!
Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our c**ks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

Oh god, I watched that scene through my fingers. She is so goddamn pathetic there.

sicknotexi

When Paulie called Beansie a stand up guy.

artvanderlay

When Tony's in a coma, and Paulie visits!

"When I was in the service, I won the chin ups cup three weeks in a row. ****ing beautiful definition too. Guy asked me to model for the boxing poster. He was half a fag, but I was flattered just the same. Now, heh, look at this. ****ing wrinkles like an old lady's ****"

EagererBeaver

_Dara_ wrote: »

irishme wrote: »

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your c**k, I'll suck all your c**ks!!!!
Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our c**ks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

Oh god, I watched that scene through my fingers. She is so goddamn pathetic there.

She's about to be murdered like and is begging for her life.

EagererBeaver

Ralph Cifaretto: (on phone) Mrs. Marianucci Gaultieri?

Nucci Gaultieri: (on phone) Yes?

Ralph Cifaretto: Hi, this is Detective Mike Hunt, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania police department. You have a son Peter Paul?

Nucci Gaultieri: Oh, my God! What happened?

Ralph Cifaretto: He's alright, ma'am, but I'm afraid he's in a little trouble. We found him in a public men's room in Lafayette Park. I don't know how to put this delicately...he was sucking a cub scout's dick.

Nucci Gaultieri: What? No, it's a mistake.

Ralph Cifaretto: Ma'am, I wish that was all, uh, but I'm afraid we had to have emergency surgery performed upon arrival at headquarters, after discovery of a small rodent in the rectal passage.

Nucci Gaultieri: OH, MY GOD!

Ralph Cifaretto: A gerbil, ma'am. Uh, the county does not cover medical procedures deemed caused by criminal sexual activity. Section four, paragraph fifteen. We'll need an insurance number.

Nucci Gaultieri: Oh, Madonn'! I have Blue Cross, Blue Shield. Is that all right?

Ralph Cifaretto: Ma...Ma'am, c-could you hold on for one second, I have the hospital on the other line.

mr_edge_to_you

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.

Tony Soprano: ****ing Internet.

HandsomeBob

He can't be a part of our social club no more that much I do know.

Lucy8080

You heard about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

- Junior.

Them Jews with the long coat and curls.


they call the Hassidum



Hassidum, but I don't believe them! (Pauli)

Samuel T. Cogley

Possibly already said, but just going to black in the final scene.

_Dara_

EagererBeaver wrote: »

She's about to be murdered like and is begging for her life.

Wow, thanks. I never would have got that if you hadn’t filled me in.

It’s still utterly pathetic because she had such swagger in general. The contrast. Absolutely cringeworthy stuff.

EagererBeaver

_Dara_ wrote: »

EagererBeaver wrote: »

She's about to be murdered like and is begging for her life.

Wow, thanks. I never would have got that if you hadn’t filled me in.

It’s still utterly pathetic because she had such swagger in general. The contrast. Absolutely cringeworthy stuff.

It's really not.

_Dara_

EagererBeaver wrote: »

It's really not.

In my opinion.

Do I really have to tack that on at the end? I’m obviously expressing an opinion. You don’t share that opinion. The end.

dan1895

_Dara_ wrote: »

In my opinion.

Do I really have to tack that on at the end? I’m obviously expressing an opinion. You don’t share that opinion. The end.

Have him clipped.

_Dara_

Riddle101 wrote: »

Most characters in the show often contradict themselves, Lorraine was no different. She put a tough girl persona when she thought she could intimidate that guy in the shop, but as soon as she had a gun to her head we saw her true colors. She was just putting on a front. Christopher was the same as well. Tried to play the tough guy part but when those Russian guys performed the mock execution on him, he was begging for his life.

I get all that. But it was still utterly cringeworthy to watch.

It being true to life doesn't change that. I'm not saying how she acted wasn't realistic. I'm saying it was toe-curling to witness. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

the purple tin

During the screening of Christopher's horror film, Paulie gets a call on his mobile and starts having a loud conversation 'What... tell him to put it in the trunk'.

artvanderlay

Tony- "Did you wrap the package?" Paulie- "The package hit Chrissy with an implement, and ran off."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1XdDTtKADQ

12 seconds in

_Dara_

Oh my god, the song from the band Adriana is trying to promote which features meowing!

previous user

On Rusty the small boss with the high voice - Phil Leotardo says to Tony -
"Our friend there - the Mayor of Munchkin land -
John wants him gone".

VainHard Bendix

artvanderlay wrote: »

Tony- "Did you wrap the package?" Paulie- "The package hit Chrissy with an implement, and ran off."



12 seconds in

"Is there any, and I mean any, possibility that the package is still alive"?

BelovedAunt

Their attempt at soccer in the first season was some joke. Jesus ****ing Christ.

take everything

https://youtu.be/eVov-mCj2Y0

This is genius.
Sopranos with a Seinfeld-style laugh track.

sicknotexi

When Tracee from the Bing decides to tell Tony she is pregnant with Ralphie's baby.

Tracee: I don't know what to do, he acts like he doesn't give a ****.

Tony: Did you ever think he's not acting?

Riddle101

I thought this would be the right place to post this. The guy playing Tony does a great job here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8FUUzmaCxc

EagererBeaver

We buried him, on a hill, overlooking a little river with pine cones all around.

You did?!

Cheerful Spring

Most of the good ones have been picked, but I thought this was funny.

Dyr

Tony to Carmella: Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this!

EagererBeaver

Cheerful Spring wrote: »

Most of the good ones have been picked, but I thought this was funny.

Anything with Georgie is amazing. He doesn't think I've grows on trees, you know.

tinpib

Amother one from memory where Tony reckons he is brilliant at reading people and says he will meet Masarrone to see if he is a rat.

Then it cuts to next scene where he storms into the office of the Bing to Sylvio and Christopher and says something like "how the **** do I know if he is lying, what am i a mindreader?"

Very funny.

But then Christopher says he can take care of Masarrone and Tony gets angry as they have no idea if he is a rat and then storms out.

Then Chris goes" Was that a yes on Masarrone?" And I start cracking up.

Sylvio:"Your uncle, he has his own process".

Chris:"What's there to process?" At which point Im roaring laughing.

It was one of those scenes where even the first cut to Tony not having a clue if he is a rat could easily have been the high comedy point, but they manage to get in 2 more with Chris.

artvanderlay

Phil Leoardo on Vito's death: " I loved him like a brother in law".


Another Philly one when he was asked how was Florida...."hot and sticky, like my balls".


One of my favs is any time Paulie had a row with Christopher he always said "that's me and him finished"!

NinetyTwoTeam

Paulie to Richie Aprile: You're gonna build Beansie a ramp.

Richie: I'll build a ramp up to your ass drive a Lionel up in there.
--
Furio (smacks Dr. Kennedy's baseball cap off his head): You gotta bee onna your hat.

Jim Bob Scratcher

"I think I seen a couple a **** runnin' that way"

pawdee

When Paulie finds out that Pussy was wearing a wire......

"I loved that c**ksucker like a brother and he f**ked me in the ass".

Dyr

pawdee wrote: »

When Paulie finds out that Pussy was wearing a wire......

"I loved that c**ksucker like a brother and he f**ked me in the ass".

Paulie gives one of my favourite Sopranos quotes in that scene: "The world don't run on love"