Advice / Thoughts. Rocky Road...

LegacyUser

Going to go unregistered for this one. I’m not looking for an answer, maybe advice from people who have been in similar scenarios.

Going out/living with a non-Irish lass. Been together for almost 2 years. Work is up and down for her, so much so that the only reason she is still in Ireland is because of me (well, that’s what she says). She doesn’t like it here, doesn’t like the weather, the food, the society, etc.

Work started to go bad for her in November 2016 and from that side, it's been a battle ever since, and I can understand if she just wanted to leave, as in her industry, chances of getting another job here are slim.

The lose plan is for us to move back to her country and try and make a go of it there, but that won’t be until later this year if things work out.

We argue. I don’t know what the average is amongst couples, but it might be every 3 weeks or so. Apparently I’m doing nothing to make her stay here enjoyable and the only reason she is here is because of me etc.

Fair enough. Maybe I’m not pulling my weight as much as I should be. But I often feel like it’s a losing battle seeing as she hates every other aspect of being in Ireland so anything I suggest sometimes doesn't work. Today, as she has no work and is off, refuses to go outside because she hates it here, but will then give out to me for not taking her anywhere on a weekend. I get the feeling that sometimes it's up to me to always make her happy or something. Maybe I just don't get it. I'm not saying I'm not the problem.

We don’t have sex. This is the main problem. It’s been over a year. I think there was maybe one attempt recently. This is the biggest issue. I’ve been to therapy anyway for depression in the last year, so I’ve had my own hangups to deal with. Maybe this has contributed to no intimacy. We hug and kiss, just no sex. Not sure if this is just an alarm bell that things have flickered out over time.

I mean, I like her. Do I love her? I’d say there are a few things to work through, but I am happy with her, so if love is being happy with someone, then that’s ok no? I don’t feel trapped. I guess she is the one who feels trapped.

Anyhow, I’m looking into solving the no sex thing, as it’s on me I think. I don’t know what my hangup is, but hope to solve it. It’s something that would need to be solved before going anywhere. (to her country).

But sometimes I feel that I should just call a halt to it, but think that is the easy option. That’s what I’ve done down through the years when things got tough, and I think that if we’re still hanging in there a year without sex, then something must be ok in the overall scheme of things….

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khaldrogo

ohdearohdear wrote:

We don’t have sex. This is the main problem. It’s been over a year. I think there was maybe one attempt recently. This is the biggest issue. I’ve been to therapy anyway for depression in the last year, so I’ve had my own hangups to deal with. Maybe this has contributed to no intimacy. We hug and kiss, just no sex. Not sure if this is just an alarm bell that things have flickered out over time.

Relationship is dead......move on

bottlebrush

If you move to her home country do you think that you will still be responsible for her happiness? Because that's the way it seems to be here. Why is she dependant upon you to take her away on a weekend? When you say that maybe you're not pulling your weight is it because you think you are not doing enough to keep her happy? As another poster said the relationship seems dead anyway . How was the relationship before her work situation changed? Do you think if you move to her home country and her work prospects improve that everything else will follow suit?

LegacyUser

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Can't really answer that. Just stopped. I get really awkward with sex at the best of times, always worrying if the other person is happy and satisfied, so much so that it becomes a bit annoying. I think it got awkward that way.
I've been with people in the past where I didn't really care about them, and the sex was good.
I suppose we left it slide and slide and slide until it's a massive elephant in the room and I'm afraid to even try again in case it's a disaster. But it's not healthy to be in a relationship and not be intimate.
Before I'd even consider packing a bag to go abroad, this needs to be tackled and put to bed, no pun intended....

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

If you move to her home country do you think that you will still be responsible for her happiness? Because that's the way it seems to be here. Why is she dependant upon you to take her away on a weekend? When you say that maybe you're not pulling your weight is it because you think you are not doing enough to keep her happy? As another poster said the relationship seems dead anyway . How was the relationship before her work situation changed? Do you think if you move to her home country and her work prospects improve that everything else will follow suit?

Well, when I said I wasn't responsible for her happiness, she said "well you're not making things any better". "A good boyfriend would take me here, and take me there etc". Maybe I'm not a good boyfried....
I don't think moving countries will solve or fix anything. Before the work situation changed, we weren't together that long, so I guess it was fine.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd run, not just because of the no sex thing but because of her attitude. What sort of utopia is she from that makes her hate Ireland? Her not going out today sounds more like a toddler throwing her toys out of the pram. Not the behaviour of a grown woman. She's probably one of those people who's always going to be negative and a pain in the rear to be around. Are you sure you're only sticking with her because you're afraid of another broken relationship?

LegacyUser

The relationship is only two years old and these are difficult issues. Your girlfriend is an adult who is responsible for making herself happy. She can choose to live where she wants, do what she wants, be with who she wants and she’s blaming you for her own choices. Thats very immature and unhealthy.
It would be more common for something like this to happen in a long term marriage that has fizzled out. If you’ve managed not to have sex with each other for a year the relationship is already over. Moving to another country with this girl is a terrible idea, these last two years have really been the testing it out phase and it hasn’t worked. Going your separate ways is the sane thing to do, it doesn’t make you a quitter!

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'd run, not just because of the no sex thing but because of her attitude. What sort of utopia is she from that makes her hate Ireland? Her not going out today sounds more like a toddler throwing her toys out of the pram. Not the behaviour of a grown woman. She's probably one of those people who's always going to be negative and a pain in the rear to be around. Are you sure you're only sticking with her because you're afraid of another broken relationship?

Well, she hung in here when she met me. I can empathise somewhat as I was in a relationship years ago with someone, living in a town I didn't want to be in.

zoobizoo

She doesn't like the food, weather or society ....

Fair enough.

But what does she like?

This type of negativity often is deeper rooted. So when you move to her country, there'll be lots of other things she won't like.

Maybe she won't like her family, or her old friends, or the bad job she gets or you....

Break up with her. Moving to her country will be a disaster for you

messy tessy

She refused to go outside on a day like today (the nicest day of the year!) because 'she hates it here' !!! Sorry OP but you have the patience of a saint if you are putting on with this nonsense. I appreciate work is tough but that doesn't give someone an excuse to be a miserable sod.

bottlebrush wrote: »

If you move to her home country do you think that you will still be responsible for her happiness? Because that's the way it seems to be here. Why is she dependant upon you to take her away on a weekend

Exactly this. This isn't a normal functioning relationship. I can't image moving country will change much tbh.

redfox123

Wow you have buried your head in the sand with this one, sorry. She's saying a good boyfriend should do this and that. But it doesn't even sound like you are boyfriend and girlfriend anyway? She hates everything here, you're not intimate (a year?!), you're not sure if you love her? Have you asked her if she wants to even have a physical relationship with you, you say you are awkward about it, how does she feel? I'm a bit stumped by the whole situation tbh. But for sure to move back to her country would be madness.

Big Bag of Chips

You're not doing enough to make her stay here enjoyable, yet she's only staying here because of you?

That makes no sense. If you're not that great, what's keeping her here? To be honest she sounds dodgy! You weren't together long when work started falling apart for her. She has mostly been unemployed for the time you are together. You're living together. Paying equal share of bills/rent/day-to-day living?

My reading of it is she's a bit of a princess who doesn't feel like she needs to contribute anything to a relationship but have her by do all the work. I get the feeling no matter how much you would ever do for her, it will never be enough. There will always be something you're not doing, or something she doesn't like. Negative people tend to not want to find joy/pleasure/fun in anything. Today was a beautiful day. Most of us had to work, inside! She has the opportunity to go anywhere, do anything today and she refused because she "hates the place".

The time has come to tell her to get over herself. She is making zero effort, and I would be absolutely certain, if you moved with her, you would still be the one making the effort and trying to make her happy. An impossible task.

LegacyUser

redfox123 wrote: »

Wow you have buried your head in the sand with this one, sorry. She's saying a good boyfriend should do this and that. But it doesn't even sound like you are boyfriend and girlfriend anyway? She hates everything here, you're not intimate (a year?!), you're not sure if you love her? Have you asked her if she wants to even have a physical relationship with you, you say you are awkward about it, how does she feel? I'm a bit stumped by the whole situation tbh. But for sure to move back to her country would be madness.

She does want a physical relationship but the problem lies with me. I don’t initiate things. I’m the one with the hangup over sex.

bottlebrush

If there is no sex and you are not being a 'good' boyfriend have you any ideas as to why she is still with you op?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're not doing enough to make her stay here enjoyable, yet she's only staying here because of you?

That makes no sense. If you're not that great, what's keeping her here? To be honest she sounds dodgy! You weren't together long when work started falling apart for her. She has mostly been unemployed for the time you are together. You're living together. Paying equal share of bills/rent/day-to-day living?

My reading of it is she's a bit of a princess who doesn't feel like she needs to contribute anything to a relationship but have her by do all the work. I get the feeling no matter how much you would ever do for her, it will never be enough. There will always be something you're not doing, or something she doesn't like. Negative people tend to not want to find joy/pleasure/fun in anything. Today was a beautiful day. Most of us had to work, inside! She has the opportunity to go anywhere, do anything today and she refused because she "hates the place".

The time has come to tell her to get over herself. She is making zero effort, and I would be absolutely certain, if you moved with her, you would still be the one making the effort and trying to make her happy. An impossible task.

She works. Her profession is relatively well paid so she can only work a few days a week and do ok but she’s here to earn money which is fair enough.
All rent and bills are split 50/50.
The reason she came to Ireland was for an original well paid job which turned into a nightmare. Boss was a c**t who settled out of court for harassment,

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

If there is no sex and you are not being a 'good' boyfriend have you any ideas as to why she is still with you op?

No idea !
Funnily enough she has told me she loves me ....

Ursus Horribilis

You've used the phrase "hanging in there" twice now. Is that as good as it gets?

To be honest I'd not be able to be friends with someone like her let alone date them. She's an emotional drain. Her excuses (which you're indulging) make no sense. That food one is ridiculous. These days there are shops and restaurants selling all sorts of food. Is that not good enough for Miss Princess? And why could she not go out today? The sun was shining, everywhere looked lovely, you could have gone to so many places. But no, miss sulky pants stayed indoors and presumably wished the rain was back again.

I'm not sure what you're getting from this relationship other than the comfort of being in one. We've established you're not having sex. That is the least of your problems from what I can see. It sounds like a one-sided, somewhat dysfunctional relationship. Still, of you choose to move countries don't say you weren't warned. You're getting a fairly unanimous reaction here.

osarusan

This guilt-trip that "I am only here in this place I hate because of you, therefore it is your job to entertain me and make me happy" would drive me round the bend.

LegacyUser

OP she is clearly unhappy but not willing to move home with nothing so has found herself a boyfriend to bring home with her. She's made you feel guilty by saying you are the only reason she has stayed in a place she hates. It's not a healthy relationship for either of you. I'd advise breaking up but if you really want to make it work suggest she go home by herself for a few months and you'll come stay for a long holiday a few months from now and see where you are both at then rather then you moving to another country and getting stuck there and unhappy

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LolaJJ

Look at the deterioration over the past 2 years...

Then use that to imagine where you'll both be in 5 years.

It's OK to still love and care about someone but sensibly agree that a relationship together doesn't work.

LegacyUser

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I've gone years without sex, sometimes a year, or 2 years at a time, though was always single at the time, and it never really bothered me. It's definitely more of an issue for her than it is for me. I mean, it's the biggest elephant in the room, and she would say during an argument "well, at least if you were f**king me, it wouldn't be so bad. I don't even have that..."

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power pants

Do you think she has had sex in the last year?

LegacyUser

power pants wrote: »

Do you think she has had sex in the last year?

No. I am absolutely certain of that. 100%. We spend pretty much all of our time together.

Sleepy

Either head to relationship counselling or break up and get some counselling about your anxiety surrounding sex OP.

Wesser

He says he hasn't addressed it as he isn't too bothered.

zoobizoo

Do you ever think that the reason you aren't having sex with her is because she's not a particularly nice or understanding person?


When you meet someone with a bit more kindness, you'll see the difference in yourself.

Daisy78

The lack of sex is the least of your worries to be honest. She sounds like a spoilt brat. Do you even like the woman? Has she any redeeming qualities at all? Is it a case of she looks good on your arm but there is no personality to back it up?

lulu1

OP this girl will never be happy she is going to nag moan and complain about everything.

No way dont move to her country she will never change and might make your life twice as miserable

LegacyUser

She is not a “dolly bird” if that’s what you mean. A Tom boy if anything.
I must say you are only hearing one side of the story too.
Just now she told me she had waited and waited for me to change but it won’t happen and that I should just “set her free”....... I have heard that several times but at some stage it becomes a reality I guess

Ursus Horribilis

ohdearohdear wrote: »

No. I am absolutely certain of that. 100%. We spend pretty much all of our time together.

Why is that? Are you not allowed to spend time with your friends?

Big Bag of Chips

You should "set her free"????

Are you holding her against her will? If so, then yes, please set her free.

If you're not, tell her she's free to make whatever choice she feels is right for her.

Sounds like she's fairly unhappy, but wants it to be someone else's fault. She wants the relationship to end, but she wants you to end it for whatever reason.

She's making you miserable, you're making her miserable (apparently) so maybe "set her free".

Big Bag of Chips

.... And why is she waiting for you to change? People should be with people they like, not with people they don't like and then try to change them into a person they do like.

There's loads of different types of people. If the one you're with, isn't what you're looking for in a relationship, then you find someone who I'd better matched.

Being with someone you don't like and then blaming them for not changing into a different person, a person they do like, is ridiculous.

Be with someone you like. Or be alone until you find someone you like.

bottlebrush

Ohdearohdear wrote: »

She is not a “dolly bird” if that’s what you mean. A Tom boy if anything.
I must say you are only hearing one side of the story too.
Just now she told me she had waited and waited for me to change but it won’t happen and that I should just “set her free”....... I have heard that several times but at some stage it becomes a reality I guess

You 'setting her free' absolves her from any responsibility so that she can be a victim of something else you have done to her. There is a girl like her in our family unfortunately, negative and always complaining about her husband and what he won't do to make her happy. She didn't change after they got married and to make things worse their three young children are at it now too, always running him down, mocking him and gleefully highlighting in front of others any mistakes he makes etc. He is a very good man and a very good father but unfortunately he thought she would change after they were married. People like her never change because a positive outlook and taking responsibility for their own happiness are just alien concepts to them. Do you want the same for the rest of your life?
Let her go and find somebody who is easy to get on with.

LegacyUser

Well, that seems to be the general theme, that she thought I would make an effort to change, but I haven't and that I'll never change. My hangups about sex are serious issues that I need to resolve in any case.
Apparently I have been way too negative and drag her down and don't make an effort to have plans or be enthusiastic to do things. And do you know what? She's right. But maybe I'm not the guy for her to do these things.
She is late 30s, I'm early 40s, so I suppose we are no spring chickens to be arsing around.
I never really learned how to cook well. In the space of a few months she has learned how to cook quite a lot of things quite well. I suppose I should have made an effort there too.....

messy tessy

Ohdearohdear wrote: »

I must say you are only hearing one side of the story too

Well we are hearing what you are telling us.

LolaJJ

ohdearohdear wrote: »

Well, that seems to be the general theme, that she thought I would make an effort to change, but I haven't and that I'll never change. My hangups about sex are serious issues that I need to resolve in any case.
Apparently I have been way too negative and drag her down and don't make an effort to have plans or be enthusiastic to do things. And do you know what? She's right. But maybe I'm not the guy for her to do these things.
She is late 30s, I'm early 40s, so I suppose we are no spring chickens to be arsing around.
I never really learned how to cook well. In the space of a few months she has learned how to cook quite a lot of things quite well. I suppose I should have made an effort there too.....

I think the point is, that you're really not very well suited. Your hangups might be serious but you don't know how severe they would be if you were in a healthier relationship with someone who didn't cause you as much stress....

The cooking thing? If that's where you have to go to find something positive to say about her I think you already know you're fighting a losing battle with this one.

LegacyUser

Well, a week or so has passed. Had a big row last week, and I have been working away the last week, so timing was good to get out of the place.
I was basically told to look for a place to live last week and that she wanted to go home. I took that at face value, and kind of reconciled myself at the weekend that maybe it was for the best.
Then she says she said it in the heat of the moment, but if I wanted to go, go. Seems like the ball is in my court.....

Ursus Horribilis

Now that's just manipulative bullcrap and you know it. People on this thread wouldn't be advising you to end the relationship if they weren't seeing more red flags here than at a communist rally. If you decide to continue with this relationship, do you honestly think things are going to get any better?

Airyfairy12

She's a total head wrecker and youre a doormat. Stay if you want but youre in for a miserable time. The relationship will end eventually, youre already flogging a dead horse and its only two years in, this is supposed to be the best part of a relationship, dont even know what youre holding on to but one things for sure, youre missing out on finding someone youre actually compatible with while youre wasting time on this pointless relationship.

JustAThought

Perhaps you think that because of your sex issues whatever they are that you don't deserve to be happy or have an amazing relationship or be in love with a fabulous person but this is not true. Everyone deserves a happy,positive, vibrant, loving dynamic fun relationship or a chance at one and just because something fundamental has gone pear shaped in the sex department in the past and needs a bit of work does not mean you have to settle for a bleak, criticising,negative other half who blames you for all the other things wrong in their life. Sure the no sex probably has her down too but you are looking for a loving relationship partner not a flatmate. .Let her move back to her home and family and be happy or miserable there. Take a break from relationships. Find something you enjoy doing and do it or try it. Make an honest list of the sex problems and head down to a wellman clinic where you can see a doctor you dont know and get the sex thing addressed. You deserve a happy life. Not a bag of misery and no shennanigans. Dont be tricked into a miserable future,an expensive long distance baby in an unloving dead relationship and a life of misery and blame. You deserve better. She may be depressed and always like that - blaming, critical,miserable. There is no reason you should be condemed too. Plenty of other fish you may hook up with later and have a chance of a fulfilling, normal,positive life with. And lots of sex!

john9876

The hills > that way

GenericPastMan

I think you’re looking at things the wrong way. Sounds like you’re a very good and conscientious person, but you don’t put yourself first? Your so worried about your partner enjoying sex that you put it ahead of your own enjoyment? (An example of your character) I think you need to be a little bit selfish for a change!!
It sounds like you make attempts to make her happy, but, you aren’t happy with the way things are and she doesn’t make any attempt to change that. Relationships are about compromise. Things will never be perfect but it sounds like you’re in a real hole at the minute.
My advice would be to critically think about what you want from a relationship and what you want to contribute to a relationship. If your current partner can’t provide what you need and you can’t help her, it might be time to move on.
Whatever you choose to do it won’t be easy, best of luck and keep the chin up!!

LegacyUser

One thing which has reared its head too is the topic of kids. They were never a priority to me, but she is adamant she wants one. I think, whatever about everything else that is going on, this is the deal breaker.

Ursus Horribilis

Be careful she doesn't get pregnant before you end this. Even if your sex life is currently non existent.

Ygritte

ohdearohdear wrote: »

One thing which has reared its head too is the topic of kids. They were never a priority to me, but she is adamant she wants one. I think, whatever about everything else that is going on, this is the deal breaker.

She wants to have a baby even though she's unhappy where she lives, she's not working, presumably money is very tight, you're not getting on and you're not having sex........ Where or what are her priorities...jesus!!!


Sorry OP I'm with everyone else that has said run for the hills. For your sanity don't waste anymore of your time on this woman.

LegacyUser

Well, to update you, we broke up last week. I'm not sure what to think. I'm sad, disappointed etc. Another failed relationship.
I find myself at 41 wondering what to do next. That is exciting in a way, but a rudderless feeling. Onwards....

zoobizoo

I have never seen a break up as a failed relationship - more of a life lesson.


I learned a lot from each break up - it focused me a lot more on what I wanted from a relationship and certainly what I did not want.


I started going out with someone aged 41 / 42 and married her two years later.



What to do next: Go out and find someone who is more compatible with you.

Teyla Emmagan

ohdearohdear wrote:

Well, to update you, we broke up last week. I'm not sure what to think. I'm sad, disappointed etc. Another failed relationship.

Better than staying in a failed relationship! Onwards and upwards.