Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

I've had an affair, AMA

mvl wrote: »

any genuine advice for the wives that could end up being cheated on ? (i.e. scenario where an affair is happening without their approval, unlike having the relationship open)
what would be for them the advantages of having someone like you as third person in their marriage ?
thanks.

I’m afraid I don’t really get what you’re asking- are you asking what I’d advise a wife who knew her husband was having an affair and if I could think of a way that affair could benefit her??

professore

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

In fairness - the AMA person is clearly a very articulate, intelligent woman. She has answered the questions thrown to her honestly. I appreciate all of this. However - since I found myself 'suddenly single', the most difficult thing I faced was advances from married men. 'Happily married' men. Men who heroically volunteered to 'sort me out'. Men who sympathised with my single status & offered their services... All the while their women were eyeing me suspiciously.... And, let me assure you .... i'm no Mona Lisa or Kim Kardashian. I am 'available' nothing more & nothing less.

you think single or married women never approach married men? HAHAHAHAHA

professore

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

No, I don’t think so. When I volunteered to do this I decided that I was going to be totally honest, there was no point doing it otherwise.
Bottom line is, I have a degree of culpability here, and there’s no point pretending otherwise. Having said that, I don’t let it define my life, it’s in my past, most days it doesn’t even cross my mind.

I think she is showing a level of self knowledge and honesty few in this situation ever achieve. Most of them say it's someone else's fault.

professore

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

You post got me thinking a bit so I went off and found a previous AMA here, it was done last year with an Irish escort. Over the course of more than 700 posts, she was asked just twice , in posts #131 and #272 if she felt guilty cos of the clients’ wives and children, even though she said 90% of her clients were married men. My AMA got as far as post #5 before that was asked, and it was asked way more than twice.

She was also told by various people that she ‘had no reason to feel guilty’, that they ‘totally respected the choices’ she made and that they wished her ‘nothing but the best’.

While I didn’t think that my AMA thread was too judgemental overall, on re-reading of hers I think mine was worse, in terms of the questions asked. A lot of people on her thread seemed to have a curiosity and fascination with the subject, and be less judgy.

It’s an interesting observation. I wonder do people, women in particular, see escorting as something very unlikely to affect them, but have a niggling concern that their man may have an affair?? Maybe there’s other reasons for it, but that’s the one that immediately springs to mind.

I think there is a big difference in selling a service and being in a relationship. It's not up to them to judge their clients. Just like it's not up to shop owners to feel responsible for what someone does with a steak knife they bought off them. It's a business transaction.

mvl

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

I’m afraid I don’t really get what you’re asking- are you asking what I’d advise a wife who knew her husband was having an affair and if I could think of a way that affair could benefit her??

i'll try to explain with examples: assuming some individuals may feel threatened by a third, not because they become less happy in their marriages (as possibly they don't even notice the third exists) but more thinking "what if he/she runs away with the new found thing", "what if the kids would lose their financial support" .
so I can see some positives when someone is having a temporary affair, and not planning to run away, or to marry/have kids with the person that already has a family.

I've had an affair, AMA

mvl wrote: »

i'll try to explain with examples: assuming some individuals may feel threatened by a third, not because they become less happy in their marriages (as possibly they don't even notice the third exists) but more thinking "what if he/she runs away with the new found thing", "what if the kids would lose their financial support" .
so I can see some positives when someone is having a temporary affair, and not planning to run away, or to marry/have kids with the person that already has a family.

Okay...so what are you actually asking me? I’m not being deliberately evasive, I just don’t get what your question is.

mvl

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

Okay...so what are you actually asking me? I’m not being deliberately evasive, I just don’t get what your question is.

going back to my first post on this so: based on your experience, do you have a genuine advice for a wife that was cheated on ?
can be something to help individual growth, or help the primary relationship recover ...

Purple Mountain

With the growing advances in technology would you be more cautious about leaving a trail?
What I mean is, say geolocation stuff or sat nav, would you be telling the man to clear all his data?
Or even being in public with the other guy and someone else inadvertently photographing you?
Then emails, texts and call logs etc?
How paranoid would you be or in your opinion would that be up to the man to worry about?
Do you have any stories of near misses?

I've had an affair, AMA

mvl wrote: »

going back to my first post on this so: based on your experience, do you have a genuine advice for a wife that was cheated on ?
can be something to help individual growth, or help the primary relationship recover ...

I know that if I were in the wife’s position I’d find it impossible to regain the trust. I really doubt I could get past it, and it would be a red line issue for me. Also, I think if it’s happened once and she has forgiven, a man with a tendency to cheat might think she will forgive again...and she may end up turning into a doormat.

For me, i would end the relationship, if I were the wife. Yep. I know that makes me a hypocrite, but I don’t see how I could mend a relationship after an affair. Others differ, obviously, that’s just me.

Hammer89

Was your elective surgical procedure related to the after-effects of losing so much weight?

I've had an affair, AMA

Purple Mountain wrote: »

With the growing advances in technology would you be more cautious about leaving a trail?
What I mean is, say geolocation stuff or sat nav, would you be telling the man to clear all his data?
Or even being in public with the other guy and someone else inadvertently photographing you?
Then emails, texts and call logs etc?
How paranoid would you be or in your opinion would that be up to the man to worry about?
Do you have any stories of near misses?

Oh gosh yes, I’d be super cautious. I mean, I was anyway, but this was a fair few years ago, before the smartphone era, but still I was never out in public locally with the first guy, only the time we went away for two nights and that was to a place a few hours drive away. Even at that, I was looking over my shoulder a bit. With the second guy, we were never doing anything inappropriate in public, we were chatting in bars on the work nights but never left a bar together and never went into a hotel room together.

With the way things are now and the ease with which someone can covertly photograph or record someone, it’d be a complete nightmare. I’d certainly be having a chat about location services on the phone and deleting texts etc.

The only near miss I had was in conversation... with one of my friends who knew the second guy, I mentioned that he had said he’d cheated on his wife in the past and she asked me why he had told me that... I passed it off by saying that it was in the context of a conversation about the latest celebrity cheating scandal at the time and that he was a bit drunk when he said it.

I've had an affair, AMA

Hammer89 wrote: »

Was your elective surgical procedure related to the after-effects of losing so much weight?

No, it was for gallstones.

Reati

professore wrote: »

you think single or married women never approach married men? HAHAHAHAHA

I must be ugly as **** or something so, I haven't been approached (that i know of) in 9 years....

Sassygirl1999

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

No, it was for gallstones.

this is a very strange AMA, in France you would be just another regular individual, in Ireland you get all this attention
in my experience 70% of married/ltr people under the age 45 have cheated

Conservatory

Sassygirl1999 wrote: »

this is a very strange AMA, in France you would be just another regular individual, in Ireland you get all this attention
in my experience 70% of married/ltr people under the age 45 have cheated

It’s because all the men died in the wars so men were so few culturally they could even have a couple of families on the go and the wife would turn a blind eye just happy that he feeds her and the kids.

Ireland didn’t have that, they had the Catholic Church shamed everyone into thinking sex was a terrible dirty thing

jimmycrackcorm

Sassygirl1999 wrote:

this is a very strange AMA, in France you would be just another regular individual, in Ireland you get all this attention in my experience 70% of married/ltr people under the age 45 have cheated

I think it is more common in Ireland than you realize. Probably also more common for women than men.

irishrebe

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

irishrebe wrote: »

Were you never concerned about STIs? Particularly when sleeping with the men you were having the affairs with?

Of course. I used/use condoms with everyone who I was casually involved with, apart from occasionally with one of them. I’ve gone for testing a few times and have always been clear.

They don't protect against everything though (herpes, warts, high risk HPV etc.), and those things  mostly can't be tested for, hence my question.

I've had an affair, AMA

irishrebe wrote: »

They don't protect against everything though (herpes, warts, high risk HPV etc.), and those things  mostly can't be tested for, hence my question.

I know they don’t, but condoms are the best option in terms of protection if you’re going to be sexually active.

irishrebe

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

irishrebe wrote: »

They don't protect against everything though (herpes, warts, high risk HPV etc.), and those things  mostly can't be tested for, hence my question.

I know they don’t, but condoms are the best option in terms of protection if you’re going to be sexually active.

Sure, but having multiple partners at the same time (or partners who are themselves sleeping with others) is quite a risk.

Do you ever worry now about the wife of one of the guys finding out and finding you?

Sassygirl1999

Conservatory wrote: »

It’s because all the men died in the wars so men were so few culturally they could even have a couple of families on the go and the wife would turn a blind eye just happy that he feeds her and the kids.

Ireland didn’t have that, they had the Catholic Church shamed everyone into thinking sex was a terrible dirty thing

you seem to think only French men cheat

I've had an affair, AMA

irishrebe wrote: »

Sure, but having multiple partners at the same time (or partners who are themselves sleeping with others) is quite a risk.

Do you ever worry now about the wife of one of the guys finding out and finding you?

1.Probably not all that different to someone who goes out every week/fortnight/month and sleeps with a stranger, in my view.

2. I did in the early days, I think so much time has elapsed now that it’s much less likely. I can never say never, obviously, but there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it now, so I don’t dwell on it too much.

Dial Hard

What weight are you now?

Have you ever run into the first guy since you lost the weight? If not, would you like to, just to rub his face in it a bit?

I've had an affair, AMA

Dial Hard wrote: »

What weight are you now?

Have you ever run into the first guy since you lost the weight? If not, would you like to, just to rub his face in it a bit?

I’d rather not disclose my exact weight, but I’m a comfortable size 12, having once been a size 24.

No, I really would not like to see the first guy again, it wound totally unnerve me.

tickingclock

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

I’d rather not disclose my exact weight, but I’m a comfortable size 12, having once been a size 24.

No, I really would not like to see the first guy again, it wound totally unnerve me.

Fair play on the weight loss. Very interesting AMA

LushiousLips

I thoroughly enjoyed this AMA. It helped that she seems like a genuinely nice person with such a lovely writing style.
Best of luck in everything you do OP xx

Boards.ie: Niamh

Thanks to everyone for the genuine questions and interest in this AMA and many thanks to our guest for patiently answering so many questions and in great detail!

I'm closing this one up now, if anyone would like to apply to do one of their own, please PM or email me (niamh@boards.ie) or fill in this form.