should I feel upset about my in-laws doing this?

siara99

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

woodchuck

I think you're being overly sensitive. I imagine if you were there with him when he broke the news, they would have congratulated you too. Why didn't you go with him?

There might be bigger issues at play here... you say they never talk to you. Can you elaborate? Do they just not phone/message you or do they ignore you in person?

SusieBlue

Aren't you the person who was afraid to tell your co-workers that your 22 weeks pregnant, in case they try to force you to have an abortion?

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

I think you're being overly sensitive. I imagine if you were there with him when he broke the news, they would have congratulated you too. Why didn't you go with him?

There might be bigger issues at play here... you say they never talk to you. Can you elaborate? Do they just not phone/message you or do they ignore you in person?

I didn't go with him because I was still at work when he left the house.

I'm not sure if he went down there to specifically tell them or if it just came out when he was visiting.

They have not spoken to me whatsoever since Christmas day. Not one text, or PM at all since.

They don't ignore me in person but there are times when I am definitely left out of conversations.

siara99

SusieBlue wrote: »

Aren't you the person who was afraid to tell your co-workers that your 22 weeks pregnant, in case they try to force you to have an abortion?

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

Lori2018

siara99 wrote: »

Hi, my husband went to visit his sister on Wednesday night. He told her that I was pregnant and his other sister ended up showing up too and he told her as well. I didn't go with him.

When he came home he got a couple of congratulations PM messages on Facebook.

They said they were happy that granddad gets another grandchild etc.

A few days have passed. My husband got a phone call from his nieces saying how excited they are.

They didn't ask for me or how I am at all.

I guess I feel upset about this because I'm the one who is pregnant and no one can take 2 seconds to send a simple congrats message to me.

I feel like an outsider or just a vessel for their family members but I am not a real one.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my in-laws never talk to me ever but come on this is big news and they can't be bothered to share any joy with me at all.

I feel like an outsider to this family circle that my children are included in but I am not.

Congratulations 😊.. I’m sure his family’s delight is for you both, however he is just the one at the receiving end.. don’t allow yourself to stress over what’s such a exciting time of you both!

woodchuck

I definitely think you're overreacting so. They have not done anything wrong. I've never been in the habit of contacting my siblings partners, but they're lovely people and happy to chat to them when they attend family events etc. Everyone feels left out of conversations at times e.g. if talking about an event you weren't at or extended family you haven't met.

Why are you trying to create so much drama around your pregnancy? First the thread about your colleagues in work, now this...

How are things with your husband? Were you ok with him telling them without you there or had you discussed telling them together? I get the feeling you may have some misdirected anger...

Doctors room ghost

siara99 wrote: »

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

Report it.a total bullsh1t post from a rebel without a cause

SusieBlue

siara99 wrote: »

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

Not at all, there seemed to be an ulterior motive in your last 2 threads which is why I wanted to make sure before I potentially wasted my time replying to this thread.

Anyway, I think you're overreacting. If you weren't close before this and things were strained anyway, I don't see how you now being pregnant would suddenly change that.
If anything I'd be annoyed if my in-laws were now being super nice to me.
It would feel forced and fake.

SusieBlue

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

Report it.a total bullsh1t post from a rebel without a cause

If that's supposed to be directed at me, you couldn't be more wrong, if you have a problem with me send a PM rather than derail the thread, thanks.

GingerLily

I think you should talk to you GP, you could be having issues with hormones that's causing you to have so much stress, three threads about your pregnancy in less then a week is not healthy, you need to look after yourself.

siara99

GingerLily wrote: »

Would your husband not prompt them to text you? Why didn't he share the news with you there? Something sounds off, your husband could definitely do more the bridge the gap if that's what you want.

Have you talked to him about this?

I'm afraid to bring this topic up because I don't want to get into an argument.

I have talked to him about them never contacting me in the past and he finds many excuses for them such as: they are busy, they have their own life, etc.

Well... I don't see how anyone could be too busy to send a PM a couple of times a year to keep in touch with someone which is all I am asking.

He said he's not willing to do anything to bridge the gap.

ceegee

siara99 wrote: »

I'm afraid to bring this topic up because I don't want to get into an argument.

I have talked to him about them never contacting me in the past and he finds many excuses for them such as: they are busy, they have their own life, etc.

Well... I don't see how anyone could be too busy to send a PM a couple of times a year to keep in touch with someone which is all I am asking.

He said he's not willing to do anything to bridge the gap.

Have you messaged them?

siara99

SusieBlue wrote: »

Not at all, there seemed to be an ulterior motive in your last 2 threads which is why I wanted to make sure before I potentially wasted my time replying to this thread.

Anyway, I think you're overreacting. If you weren't close before this and things were strained anyway, I don't see how you now being pregnant would suddenly change that.
If anything I'd be annoyed if my in-laws were now being super nice to me.
It would feel forced and fake.

I understand. I guess it's always kind of bothered me that I've never felt like a part of this family at all. It's actually kind of threatening to feel excluded from a group that my own children are even a part of and my husband is but I am not. I'm the odd one out and the only odd one out. It's unpleasant.

Out of my husband's siblings only 2 are married and the married couple is hardly ever around only at major events. The other couple is highly involved with her in-laws because the grandparents babysit etc.

siara99

ceegee wrote: »

Have you messaged them?

I have in the past just posted a happy birthday message on their Facebook. They do respond with a thank you.

I have also tried to PM them a couple of times but I have found that it hasn't helped much. A few of them were receptive to photos of their niece but not all of them were. It becomes very awkward.

eviltwin

siara99 wrote: »

This is almost a trolling post. No. that's not why I was afraid to tell them.

can't blame Susie for asking. That thread also mentioned your pregnancy is quite advanced. How has no one noticed before now? Why are you only telling family now?

SusieBlue

siara99 wrote: »

I understand. I guess it's always kind of bothered me that I've never felt like a part of this family at all. It's actually kind of threatening to feel excluded from a group that my own children are even a part of and my husband is but I am not. I'm the odd one out and the only odd one out. It's unpleasant.

Out of my husband's siblings only 2 are married and the married couple is hardly ever around only at major events. The other couple is highly involved with her in-laws because the grandparents babysit etc.

I'm indifferent to my in-laws and they are indifferent to me.
No animosity, we just don't particularly get on and don't spend time together unless necessary.
If I found out I was pregnant right now and they started texting me wanting to be besties I'd be very unimpressed and wouldn't entertain it.

Why would you want a close relationship with people who are so cold to you and make you feel like an outsider?

bee06

I get on very well with my in-laws but we generally aren’t in contact. They contact my husband and my family contact me. I think you’re being over sensitive as well.

siara99

eviltwin wrote: »

can't blame Susie for asking. That thread also mentioned your pregnancy is quite advanced. How has no one noticed before now? Why are you only telling family now?

Yes, I am 23 weeks now. There was a death in my husband's family in May so we didn't want to tell them while they were grieving.

Also, we wanted to wait until the ultrasound to announce and I didn't have my ultrasound until 21 weeks.

I haven't seen any family members at all since Christmas.

woodchuck

siara99 wrote: »

I have talked to him about them never contacting me in the past and he finds many excuses for them such as: they are busy, they have their own life, etc.

They're not excuses though. I'm sure like everyone they are busy and do have their own lives.

siara99 wrote: »

Well... I don't see how anyone could be too busy to send a PM a couple of times a year to keep in touch with someone which is all I am asking.

How often do you meet up in person? If you visit them and they visit you, why the need for PMs in between...

I think you mentioned before that you're from Canada. How have you settled into life in Ireland? Do you have your own circle of friends?

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

They're not excuses though. I'm sure like everyone they are busy and do have their own lives.



How often do you meet up in person? If you visit them and they visit you, why the need for PMs in between...

I think you mentioned before that you're from Canada. How have you settled into life in Ireland? Do you have your own circle of friends?

I don't visit them and they don't visit me so there does need to be contact in between. I have not seen them in person since Christmas day. I guess they all have a car and I don't and they come into where we live to do shopping quite often so I don't know why they don't even drop by to see their niece once and a while.

No, I don't have a circle of friends. I have a few acquaintances and I'm friendly with some of my coworkers but we're not really friends. I can't afford to live in Dublin so I'm fairly limited in what I can do to make friends.

siara99

SusieBlue wrote: »

I'm indifferent to my in-laws and they are indifferent to me.
No animosity, we just don't particularly get on and don't spend time together unless necessary.
If I found out I was pregnant right now and they started texting me wanting to be besties I'd be very unimpressed and wouldn't entertain it.

Why would you want a close relationship with people who are so cold to you and make you feel like an outsider?

I guess you are right. I most likely don't want a relationship with them. It's just when stuff like this happens I feel like an outsider even within my own little family... My children and husband are a part of the clan and I'm not. I feel my role is diminished and maybe they would be more loyal to the clan than to me. It's hard to be on the outside of such a seemingly large, tight-nit group. I guess I see it as a threat. Not sure why.

lunamoon

I think I mentioned seeking help from a GP in your last thread and I will mention it again here. You are completely overreacting and you need to get some help. The world does not revolve around you and your pregnancy.

bee06

siara99 wrote: »

I guess they all have a car and I don't and they come into where we live to do shopping quite often so I don't know why they don't even drop by to see their niece once and a while.

Have you invited them. I wouldn’t feel comfortable just dropping by to anyone and I hate when people do it to me.

eviltwin

I think this could be a great opportunity to build a relationship with them. Babies are a great icebreaker but you are going to have to meet them halfway. You don't have to wait until they contact you, why don't you make the first move? Maybe organise a lunch or something for everyone to get together. Are there any other kids in the family or is this the first?

woodchuck

siara99 wrote: »

I don't visit them and they don't visit me so there does need to be contact in between. I have not seen them in person since Christmas day.

I assume your husband has visited them since Christmas though? I know for the recent example you gave, you said he went to see them while you were still in work. Talk to him and let him know that you'd like to go with him the next time he visits them.

You could also invite them over. Generally speaking, people don't like dropping by uninvited.

siara99 wrote: »

No, I don't have a circle of friends. I have a few acquaintances and I'm friendly with some of my coworkers but we're not really friends. I can't afford to live in Dublin so I'm fairly limited in what I can do to make friends.

This is probably the root cause of everything. You don't sound happy at all in your posts and I'm guessing this is the reason why. If you had your own circle of friends, you wouldn't care whether or not your in-laws were PMing you.

I can't give you any specific advice about making friends, but I'm sure there have been loads of similar threads here in the past if you do a search. I really do think this would help your situation a lot. Maybe you could consider counselling too? You really need to address the underlying issues here, not place blame where it doesn't belong (your in-laws and work colleagues).

lunamoon

eviltwin wrote: »

I think this could be a great opportunity to build a relationship with them. Babies are a great icebreaker but you are going to have to meet them halfway. You don't have to wait until they contact you, why don't you make the first move? Maybe organise a lunch or something for everyone to get together. Are there any other kids in the family or is this the first?

The OP has another child already.

siara99

lunamoon wrote: »

The OP has another child already.

There are other kids but mine is 3 and all of them are 8+. There is one 6 year old but she always goes to her grandparent's house on the weekend.

My child's cousin has a baby aged 1 but there are grandparent issues there lol

siara99

woodchuck wrote: »

I assume your husband has visited them since Christmas though? I know for the recent example you gave, you said he went to see them while you were still in work. Talk to him and let him know that you'd like to go with him the next time he visits them.

You could also invite them over. Generally speaking, people don't like dropping by uninvited.



This is probably the root cause of everything. You don't sound happy at all in your posts and I'm guessing this is the reason why. If you had your own circle of friends, you wouldn't care whether or not your in-laws were PMing you.

I can't give you any specific advice about making friends, but I'm sure there have been loads of similar threads here in the past if you do a search. I really do think this would help your situation a lot. Maybe you could consider counselling too? You really need to address the underlying issues here, not place blame where it doesn't belong (your in-laws and work colleagues).

I guess I used to go with him in the past and I didn't like it one bit. I don't enjoy their company and we have little in common it's so hard to get a conversation going.

There are other issues like they are extremely opinionated people and can be unreasonable. They are judgemental of me too - the amount of housework I may or may not be doing. They think that if you are not working up a sweat then you don't have a real job etc.

They used to drop in uninvited and I didn't like it. I told my husband about this and he HATED it. He said just dropping in is the 'Irish culture' and that I needed to adapt to that. :mad: He's INCREDIBLY defensive of his family. They haven't done it in a long time though.

I think it's not that I want a relationship with them in particular but it's my issue about being an outsider. An outsider in my own home and in my own family.

Yeah, getting friends could help but it seems impossible at the moment. Being pregnant, having a child already, commute, money etc. etc.

heretothere

Does your family live close by? I don't keep in touch with my fiances brothers and sisters but we get on very well when I do see them. I get on extremely well with his mother but I'd say about 90% of the 'effort' comes from me. I call into her on my way home from work.

As others have said people won't usually call around without being invited (really must do this more myself!). Do any of the others have kids? Could you invite them over for a tea party with your daughter? Or invite one/ two siblings at a time for dinner.

lunamoon

If you don't like them, don't like that they are opinionated etc, why do you care that they didn't text you?