Feel smothered from girlfriend

LegacyUser

I met my girlfriend about 18 months ago. I'm 28 and she's 24. We don't live together. Things have been good for the most part between us but it can be very rocky too.

I don't go out with my friends as often now since I met her. When I do go out, if I don't respond to a text or my battery dies, she gets annoyed with me and generally she would blank me until I apologise and grovel.

I have a lot of stress coming down from external factors in recent times. I had pressing family matters to attend to on a Saturday evening, and she got annoyed with me and I felt pressurised into dropping my plans and going out with her.

My girlfriend has has it in her, that my mum doesn't like her. This is causing stress within our relationship too. Admittedly they have only met in pass and there really hasn't been an opportunity for them to meet properly. We are not a Sunday roast, sit down together family so there hasn't been a situation where my girlfriend could meet my family properly.

I feel completely smothered from her. I love her but I can't go on like this any more. She's demanding nearly 100% of my attention and if I can't give it to her, she gets upset, mad and claims I don't love her.

mojesius

Sounds like she either has major trust issues and/or is a controlling person. Unless something has happened in the past to cause trust issues between you, she is controlling.

These people never change, they never let go, they only get worse. I know a man married to a controlling woman for decades, children all grown up. She controls everything from his social activities, his clothes, what he eats and he barely gets to see his own family because she hates them. He nearly left her recently but backed out. He's miserable.

You should be able to have your own life and enjoy yourself without someone pestering you or making you feel bad about it. That's not love, it's control. You're only in your 20s. Life should be more fun.

ManOfMystery

Have seen this all too often, and an ex work colleague was in a very similar situation where it escalated to him getting texts 9-10 times a day at work. Even if he was in the middle of doing something, if he didn't respond promptly there would be a million questions, anger, insecurity, etc.

That is not the way to conduct a healthy relationship.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and your girlfriend demanding 100% of your attention 100% of the time is ridiculous - and unsustainable. I agree with Mojesius, more often than not these people do not change and the situation will inevitably worsen as you progress to actually living together and going out longer. I'm sure you don't want to see yourself in another 3-4 years cut off from your friends and unable to attend family get togethers because of the drama it will cause. 

I'm not suggesting you suddenly dump her over this without giving her a chance to change, but I would certainly be sitting down and explaining that her behaviour needs to change for the relationship to survive - it's healthy not only for you, but also for her to have other things in her life asides from you. And if she's either not willing to do so, or only manages a few weeks at best before reverting to form - perhaps you'll need to reconsider your stance then.

Xterminator

Hi Op

In a clam manner you could have a serious discussion about the relationship and how its not working for you. You could try setting boundaries & using the DND function on your phone

When im on a night out im not looking at my phone until i get home.
I will be at a family event, and wont be looking at phone for the duration because its rude.
I have plans and i cant meet you saturday, how about we reschedule for sunday.

It would be interesting to see if she acknowledges her behaviour is controlling, or if she thinks she is doing nothing wrong. If she sees sense you can give it a go, but if she rejects compromise, you know it will never change and you have to accept her behaviour, or move on.

ahnow

It might be worth one very serious discussion, sit her down and tell her the impact it is having on you, that you have a right to your own time without answering to her all of the time and that it is making you feel smothered. You should be able to go on a night out without her getting upset if you dont respond to her. She sounds deeply insecure.

I would give it one very serious chat, and if there arent big changes I would strongly consider breaking up. I was with someone like that who demanded all of my attention and it eats away at you in ways you dont even know until after they’re gone, it means giving of all of yourself so there’s none of you left, and it’s a long hard road getting some semblence of self back at the end of it all. Have a really strong think about it all. You are allowed boundaries and space and to be your own person in a relationship, just because the other person is insecure doesn’t mean you’re supposed to fill up their void.

TheChizler

On the her getting mad when you go out and don't respond to texts, maybe early in the night, while you're still sober enough to remember, say your goodnights.

This used to happen me and my gf all the time and at the time I used to think she was controlling but looking back it was reasonable, if I just disappeared when in the middle of a conversation apart from being rude she would worry something had happened to me. I made little effort to change early on which made it worse, she felt I didn't respect her enough to consider how it made her feel. That one little change of saying goodnight instead of just not responding helped us a lot.

It might help you or it might not, sounds like there are other issues and it might be symptomatic of something more, but if she's reasonable she'll appreciate you making an effort to change.

Sleepy

Get out before you have kids or marry her. She'll ruin your life in the long run.

TheBoyConor

OP, I can tell you from personal experience with an ex. Get out, NOW!

This sounds almost exactly how my relationship with that ex started out. Way intense, demanding all my attention, texting and calling, getting jealous of me meeting friends and family.

Trust me, she is for the circus.

I made the mistake of not getting out in time and a wasted a lot of my 20s miserable and too chicken shít to end it because my putting up with it had enabled, rewarded and fuelled her behavious and it had escalated to the point where I was lying to her telling her I was working the weekend but in reality I was at home with my mother having dinner. If she knew I was meeting my family she would have hit the roof and there would be a major, theatrical meltdown.

Finally, thankfully I saw sense with the crazy double life I was leading and kicked the crazy girl to the curb.

woodchuck

AnonRobot wrote: »

She's demanding nearly 100% of my attention and if I can't give it to her, she gets upset, mad and claims I don't love her.

This is called emotional blackmail.

I'm usually one who would suggest working on issues in relationships, but I'm extremely doubtful that controlling people can actually change their ways. You obviously can't go on the way things currently are, so you can either:
1. Break up with her.
2. Try discussing the issue with her. This will likely lead to tears and tantrums that you don't love her. Ironically you'll end up being the one to comfort her. She won't change at all and you'll just end up breaking up with her at some point anyway.

Personally I'd go for the quick and clean option 1...

LegacyUser

I would be wary of the girlfriend saying she thinks your mum doesn't like her. I think 18 months is still early days. I was dating a lad in my early 20s and I got a similar feeling but I never would have dreamy of saying such a thing to my boyfriend at the time. I think your girlfriend is very brazen and it reads to me as if she wanted to drive a wedge between you and your mum. Realistically what were you supposed to do? Go home and start a row with your mother over your girlfriends feelings? Why does your girlfriend want your mother's approval anyhow?

December2012

She sounds very manipulative, insecure and demanding. Get out now.

lulu1

AnonRobot wrote: »

I met my girlfriend about 18 months ago. I'm 28 and she's 24. We don't live together. Things have been good for the most part between us but it can be very rocky too.

I don't go out with my friends as often now since I met her. When I do go out, if I don't respond to a text or my battery dies, she gets annoyed with me and generally she would blank me until I apologise and grovel.

I have a lot of stress coming down from external factors in recent times. I had pressing family matters to attend to on a Saturday evening, and she got annoyed with me and I felt pressurised into dropping my plans and going out with her.

My girlfriend has has it in her, that my mum doesn't like her. This is causing stress within our relationship too. Admittedly they have only met in pass and there really hasn't been an opportunity for them to meet properly. We are not a Sunday roast, sit down together family so there hasn't been a situation where my girlfriend could meet my family properly.

I feel completely smothered from her. I love her but I can't go on like this any more. She's demanding nearly 100% of my attention and if I can't give it to her, she gets upset, mad and claims I don't love her.

If you love her op sit her down and explain how you feel. You will know by how she responds if it's worth staying.

passremarkable

Gate

JeffKenna

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

In a clam manner you could have a serious discussion about the relationship and how its not working for you. You could try setting boundaries & using the DND function on your phone

When im on a night out im not looking at my phone until i get home.
I will be at a family event, and wont be looking at phone for the duration because its rude.
I have plans and i cant meet you saturday, how about we reschedule for sunday.

It would be interesting to see if she acknowledges her behaviour is controlling, or if she thinks she is doing nothing wrong. If she sees sense you can give it a go, but if she rejects compromise, you know it will never change and you have to accept her behaviour, or move on.

I was thinking about this for a while before I posted. In the OP's situation it does seem that his girlfriend is very controlling. To demand 100% of someone's time is unacceptable and will just lead to an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

However I do think there's a middle ground to what you're suggesting here in totally blanking someone for amounts of time on end. Surely if you're texting someone and just stop responding because you've something better to do like meeting friends/family you're compounding the persons insecurities? I guess everyone sets their own boundaries but to me its avoidant behavior and through your actions you are telling the person they are well down on your priority list. Now I'm not saying the OP needs to be texting every minute but a text to say the night is going well and that he misses her would be a totally appropriate and nice thing to do. Small gestures like that help the person realize that they are important to you and that they aren't just dropped like a hot potato as soon as something better comes along.

valoren

The idea that your mother doesn't like her is BS. People like her will invent offences (where none are meant) which they will hold against you for years. Yes, years. That's no exaggeration. They do so because they need something, anything to use as an excuse to allow them to go ape **** in a toxic meltdown. For example, you could be on the phone to your mother having a pleasant conversation but she will have a meltdown the second you hang up about how you can speak so nicely to her despite your mother hating her.

They just can't act out without some kind of trigger. as to do so would make them look crazy. As such that's the purpose of the trigger, to avoid looking crazy. As if losing their minds over trivial things isn't crazy enough. The longer you spend with your girlfriend the more 'triggers' like that she will create. Work, friends, family all get manipulated and exploited so that this attention seeking drama queen get's her toxic fix. You find yourself being passive, acting and behaving in ways solely to please her and to stop yourself from triggering another abusive rant up to and including cutting out friends and even members of family she deems trigger happy. The longer you spend in this relationship the greater the risk of you also developing empathy for her. You might even come to believe she is a victim or needs your help and support. My advice is don't fall for it.

You're only 28. Do the right thing for you and dump her and chalk the 18 months you've spent with her as a learning lesson, a time investment into what future potential partners should not be like.

TheBoyConor

Op, the advice of Valoren is absolutely 100%. That is exactly what my ex was like.

Nearly everything was an invitation to throw a strop. Even the way things were arranged in the fridge!!!!

LolaJJ

Going slightly against the grain here...

It sounds like your girlfriend is either

a) incredibly insecure
b) has no hobbies
c) has no friends
d) all of the above

Before throwing the entire relationship down the pan (and there must be some positives if you've stayed with her 18months) maybe there is a root cause? Maybe if you encouraged her to get some kind of hobby she could be passionate about, and not just 100% obsessing over her relationship with you and helped her to be a bit more balanced - she might find another outlet so she's not all about you?

In the long term though - if she's making you feel smothered and there's no hope of her changing and she's saying daft things like "you don't love me" to win arguements then it might be time to have a chat and perhaps cut her off

LegacyUser

I posted anonymously yesterday under UnregT.

I thought about things a little bit more. It makes zero sense to me what your girlfriend said about your mum. According to your original post, so far there has been no proper meeting and just meeting in passing to date.

Until there is something more concrete from the two sides, I just can't understand this comment. As in your mother has actively taken a dislike to your girlfriend and shows it with bitter comments for example. Until there is a ring on your girlfriends finger or the two of you setting up home together or there's kids involved, and your girlfriend has to meet your mum more often.

It reads to me like drama and unnecessary at that and your girlfriend expecting the red carpet to be rolled out for her from your mum.

Floppybits

Sounds to me that she is a bit immature. Is this her first relationship? It reminds me of a teenager in their first relationship wanting to spend all the time together.

I was in this position a couple of times and it makes you miserable and you end up breaking up for your own mental health.

TheBoyConor

No. You have it wrong.

The OP is 28 years old. They have been going out 18 months.

silverharp

TheBoyConor wrote: »

No. You have it wrong.

The OP is 28 years old. They have been going out 18 months.

need more coffee, ill delete my post

professore

LolaJJ wrote: »

Going slightly against the grain here...

It sounds like your girlfriend is either

a) incredibly insecure
b) has no hobbies
c) has no friends
d) all of the above

Before throwing the entire relationship down the pan (and there must be some positives if you've stayed with her 18months) maybe there is a root cause? Maybe if you encouraged her to get some kind of hobby she could be passionate about, and not just 100% obsessing over her relationship with you and helped her to be a bit more balanced - she might find another outlet so she's not all about you?

In the long term though - if she's making you feel smothered and there's no hope of her changing and she's saying daft things like "you don't love me" to win arguements then it might be time to have a chat and perhaps cut her off

It's not his job to fix her mental problems. If he breaks up with her she can have all the time in the world to find other outlets, which will inevitably be some other guy who will put up with her crap. He can only fix himself - by calling a day on this toxic relationship. I have a neighbour like this and she is in her 60s. I regularly hear her roaring and screaming at her husband who is a saint.

People like this generally don't change.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

I have had this before.

It's like dating a teenage child.

I stuck at the relationship for a year and I realised when she did a runner on holiday and did a day of activities on her own to punish me because she "didn't like my tone" one morning I had to get out.

Took me three more months to do it.

Does the following list seem familiar;

1. She is a "loyal" person. So loyal that she expects the same insane "loyalty" from you.
2. Daily phonecalls and texts or total radio silence if there's a fight.
3. Minor matters escalating into full out drama and hissy fits
4. Lack of friends or a larger social circle and one or two very very very close friends who obviously have a few issues themselves.
5. A mental parent that might have raised them this way.

Even now I feel a bit scarred by the whole thing. It was mental.

Thankfully I am out the other side and dating someone who is just cool and chilled out. That's the way life should be.

If they are drama attention seeking co-cuckoo then get the hell out at the first sign of crazy.