Was/Is my girlfriend cheating?

LegacyUser

Backstory: I've been dating this girl since December. From about March things became more serious and we became a couple. We've both told one another we love each other and already we've discussed things likes marriage, kids, all that sort of thing. Things moved pretty quick between us as you can see. We both want the same things in life, and we both have an incredible connection with one another. I've never felt this way about a girl before.

Last night when I was in hers cooking dinner together a notification went off on her phone. I recognised the tone. It sounded like a Tinder notification. I had been on Tinder last year so this is how I knew. I even checked Youtube just to play the Tinder notification and yes it was the same thing. I didn't confront her initially as I was still unsure. Maybe I misheard it. I checked her phone about an hour after the notification just to see if there was something there. I've never checked her phone for anything previous as I've had no reason too, nor have I been that type of person until last night. There was nothing there. This morning when she was in the shower I checked it again and for some reason she had put her phone in airplane mode (no wifi/no mobile data).

When I got home I asked my friend who has Tinder to narrow down a search to see if he could find her on it. He found her plus 3 pictures, one of which I recognised as she had taken the picture to send to me at the very end of January on a night out. I rang her and confronted her about it. I went through step by step everything I've said above and she admitted to it. She was so calm. She said she hadn't used Tinder in months and was free to do what she wanted to do whilst we were only dating as we weren't an item then, even though back then I was upfront with her and told her I really liked her and we shared some special moments together. She said she's never had sex with anyone else nor been on a date with anyone since dating me. She passed off the notification as being an old one, which is impossible as I know how Tinder works (it was either a message from a guy or a match). She said the reason her phone was on airplane mode in the morning was because it charges quicker. She also only got a new phone a few months back and said her phone automatically downloaded and logged her in, even though the latter is impossible as she'd have to accept all the requirements on a new phone the first time of logging in. She remained calm throughout like she had done nothing wrong and said she just had forgotten to delete Tinder not was it a big deal she was on it still. She told me I was overreacting and she had done nothing wrong. She said when I calm down I'll realise that.

After that I don't know whether I am overreacting or was there grounds for cheating. Please, please help.

Eric Cartman

Tinder updates TOS for GDPR and you had to click to accept them on may 20 something, whether meeting up with lads or not that sounds like a complete head melter, get out lad.

tomwaits48

I think your overreacting.

The White Feather

All her explanations are very plausible and could be true. Phones do tend to charge quicker on airplane mode and she may just have tinder preinstalled on a new phone.

The problem is that its up to her now to put you at ease. You have rightly questioned things that seemed fishy. Having a pic from jan on Tinder suggests to me that she was or is keeping her options open. Just from what you wrote I don't think she is actively cheating but is she keeping an eye out? I'd say you just have to be wary and see how things go. Theres no definite proof either way.

Some people might think its an invasion of privacy but she should be going out of her way to show you her phone to prove she is not cheating. If my partner thought I was cheating and I wasn't, I would be almost giving her my phone and saying here check it as I have nothing to hide.

Only you know her and if she is telling the truth. It sounds like you are a bit suspicious already so its up to her to show she has nothing to hide. If she is constantly holding her phone and keeping it away from you then you should be on alert.

Having her phone charged in where you can find it would suggest she is not doing anything. It may have been from when ye first met that she was on Tinder.

I would suggest if anything pops up like that again and you need to ask her, meet her in person to talk about it. It's too hard to know if someone is telling the truth on the phone. People can make up things very quickly on the phone but I would say you would know the truth in person.

Don't get paranoid but just see how things go. It sounds like otherwise things have been going great.You said she sounded calm so either she is a great liar or it may have been just what she said.

LegacyUser

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Tinder updates TOS for GDPR and you had to click to accept them on may 20 something, whether meeting up with lads or not that sounds like a complete head melter, get out lad.

I have no idea about how the changes effected Tinder. Is that 100% true?

Thanks guys for replying. I want to believe her but I just can't. I hung up on her earlier and she hasn't once tried to make contact with me since. If this was the other way round I'd be straight out to her proclaiming my innocence, doing all I can to make her believe there wasn't more to it.

I really do appreciate every insight someone might have to this. It's absolutely crippled me.

Exclamation Marc

One thing you haven't said (unless I missed it), has she since deleted it?

Can't see any reason why you (as in her) would be with someone for over half a year and not delete Tinder when you are a couple, exclusive and have a 'special connection'.

Bit of a red flag there.

leggo

Hmm. Things escalating very quickly in general is often a red flag for me (unless it’s a first relationship). Having excuses at the ready is another. Being calm and able to provide instant excuses when you should be caught by surprise is another.

Having said that, her excuses are also pretty bulletproof. The airplane thing checks out. The getting old notifications checks out (I haven’t been actually on Tinder in yonks but still get notifications, sometimes telling me that I haven’t been on it). When I’m seeing someone and feel the need to delete it, I will when I think of it, but won’t make a song and dance about it either so I could easily still have it on my phone a while in a relationship unless the topic of deleting it comes up.

So it comes down to if you feel you can trust her or not, that’s all that really matters. If you can’t and it’s fractured this early, end it whether she was on it or not, because things don’t get better from there. If you can, go with it.

Also if stuff like that ever happens in the future with her or someone else, confronting it immediately is your best COA to get a better answer. I’d laugh and be like “Is that the Tinder notification?!!” then play it out from there. When people have time to prepare for a lie, they can pull the wool over your eyes. When they’re caught in the moment, you can usually determine enough from their reactions to proceed either way (and the only thing you need to know is “Is this person lying to me?”)

JaMarcus

A red flag to me would be the fact you said you've been a couple since March, yet she still hasn't deleted Tinder. It's very unlikely you just happened to hear her first notification since March. Odds are she has received more, but hasn't deleted the app or her account.

keepalive213

The odds are not in your favor, cut your losses, get out.

Chocolate fiend

Don't worry I would say she will dump you anyway, snooping on her phone, playing the Tinder tone on You Tube I could go on. She would be better off with someone who isn't so suspicious.

Chocolate fiend

All very true. However you have to give people either the benefit of the doubt or leave, he already shows he doesn't have a trusting nature where she is concerned, so if I were her I would get out of there because this amount of mistrust so early on and with such level of detail doesn't bode well for the future.

leggo

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

All very true. However you have to give people either the benefit of the doubt or leave, he already shows he doesn't have a trusting nature where she is concerned, so if I were her I would get out of there because this amount of mistrust so early on and with such level of detail doesn't bode well for the future.

Disagree. Trust should be earned, not given. You obviously have to give a bit of courtesy leeway at the start of a relationship because you can't come in demanding phones for no reason, but you earn trust by trustworthy actions, and having Tinder on your phone while in a relationship is an inherently untrustworthy action that requires explaining. If she didn't understand or created an issue and dumped him over it, I'd see it as confirmation she didn't want to be accountable and probably was cheating.

facehugger99

You need to set up a fake Tinder profile and try to engage her - only way to be sure

Exclamation Marc

facehugger99 wrote: »

You need to set up a fake Tinder profile and try to engage her - only way to be sure

Or just ask her has she deleted it?

suicide_circus

Talking about marriage after 6 months seems quite fast.

lunamoon

If she is/was cheating it doesn't really matter anymore. The trust is broken and I don't know if your relationship can come back from this. She should have deleted it between March and June.

woodchuck

None of us can tell you for sure if she is/was cheating. Her explanation sounds quite plausible though.

I wouldn't get hung up on the photo from January, you were only dating a wet day at that stage and not in a relationship.

Bandana boy

I would give her benefit of the doubt
Have your pal check Tinder again in a few weeks and if she is back active on it you will have your answer.

Larbre34

Would you really consider marrying someone without the brains to mute notifications and protect her online activity leaving no traces? I know i wouldnt. Get out of there.

Flippyfloppy

woodchuck wrote: »

None of us can tell you for sure if she is/was cheating. Her explanation sounds quite plausible though.

I wouldn't get hung up on the photo from January, you were only dating a wet day at that stage and not in a relationship.

I've heard Tinder takes photos from your facebook? So wouldn't it just reflect facebook photos? Perhaps I'm totally misinformed!

JeffKenna

When you checked her phone why didn't you check to see if that app was there?

woodchuck

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I've heard Tinder takes photos from your facebook? So wouldn't it just reflect facebook photos? Perhaps I'm totally misinformed!

I haven't used the app in a few years, but you used to be able to select your own photos from Facebook (it wouldn't just pull new ones automatically).

It's a moot point though. If the latest photo was from January, they weren't even in a relationship then, still just the early days of dating.

Tiddlypeeps

If she wasn't using the app far months it's quite unlikely she would have shown up on your friends account. Tinder will will prioritize showing you active profiles so you will only ever see inactive profiles if you are in a remote area or an area that just happens to have few tinder users.

Exclamation Marc

Also there's no way she'd get a notification for the first time 6 months after last using it. She would have gotten one in the meantime and if she had no interest would have probably deleted the app to not bother her anymore.

leggo

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

If she wasn't using the app far months it's quite unlikely she would have shown up on your friends account. Tinder will will prioritize showing you active profiles so you will only ever see inactive profiles if you are in a remote area or an area that just happens to have few tinder users.

That’s actually a great point! Just this week, I got a notification to say my profile has been hidden because of inactivity.

LegacyUser

The only thing that screams lies is the new phone bit. A new phone doesn’t just download and opens tinder. If it was an old phone it could well be the case she never logged out it it was an old swipe and new match. Tinder does however choose profile photos from your Facebook at random unless you’ve switched that option off. I’d you narrow down search area enough you will find inactive profiles, maybe she just didn’t remember to delete

LegacyUser

We broke up.

She kept denying she was using it to cheat but never once offered to show me any proof. She never rang me back or texted me that night after I confronted her so I rang her the following day and she was angry at me for the way I had spoken to her the night before. She also called me a creep for checking her phone and asking me friend to see if she was on Tinder. She said I should have asked her when I first heard the notification. If she was cheating she would have denied that so I felt I was in my right to see firsthand if I was right about Tinder. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But she's gone now and I don't know what to do....

glenjamin

Decided to just post with my actual Boards account rather than an anonymous one as my replies weren't being uploaded.

We broke up.

She never rang me back or text me again that night when I confronted her. I rang her the next day and we spoke. We still couldn't see what she done was wrong and denied cheating. She shouted at me for the way I spoke to her the night before and called me a creep for checking her phone and having a friend see if she was on Tinder. She said I should have come to her. The reason I didn't was because I didn't want to believe it was true. I wanted to be wrong. And I thought if I did confront her she would deny it. I stand by my actions even if it has cost me the best relationship I've ever had. I miss her and I want to fix things but she hasn't messaged me back.

ahnow

Sorry to hear OP. I think you dodged a bullet reading what you’ve written. There’s no excuse for having a Tinder profile still up so long into a relationship, it literally takes two seconds to deactivate, also clearly a blatant lie saying tinder automatically signed her in on her new phone...I know it automatically downloads all the apps..she signed herself in. Her turning it around on you, calling you a creep for handling it the way any sensible person was says all you need to know about her. For what it’s worth she was on there I think no doubt. If she wanted to make it work with you she should be falling over herself to try and make things right but she ****ed up and got caught out and now is trying to make you feel in the wrong for catching her. ****ty behaviour, sorry man.

woodchuck

I still you could be the one in the wrong here OP. I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but surely if she was "caught out" she would've just admitted it now. What would she have to gain by keeping up a charade?

I know myself that when I got into a relationship I just deleted the app from my phone. But I don't think I actually deactivated my account. I don't get any notifications on my phone, but for all I know my old profile could still pop up in searches.

How are you in relationships generally? Are things normally so intense in the early stages? Any previous experience of being cheated on that could be clouding your judgement here?

duffman13

woodchuck wrote: »

I still you could be the one in the wrong here OP. I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but surely if she was "caught out" she would've just admitted it now. What would she have to gain by keeping up a charade?

I know myself that when I got into a relationship I just deleted the app from my phone. But I don't think I actually deactivated my account. I don't get any notifications on my phone, but for all I know my old profile could still pop up in searches.

How are you in relationships generally? Are things normally so intense in the early stages? Any previous experience of being cheated on that could be clouding your judgement here?

She admitted she had tinder on the phone and claimed it was an old notification which is bull****. Tbh if the relationship was as good as the OP suggested

A) she wouldn't have Tinder on the phone.
wouldn't have said she was free to do what she wants. OP and girlfriend seem to have crossed wires about how serious/official it was
C) she would have met up or contacted him since to try work through this.

People who compulsively lie tend not to admit it even when caught. OP you've dodged a bullet but you can learn a lot from this one

LolaJJ

Sorry you guys broke up but you have to think...If that's all it took, then really how solid were things.

It doesn't really matter who was right and who was wrong here. Yes, it could be a miscommunication and maybe she was telling the truth BUT if she was as invested in the relationship as I think you need to be then I don't think her response to your confrontation would have been as calm.

I think she would have been thinking of YOU in that moment. Apologising for you having to worry and wanting you to feel OK.

How the other person handles your feelings can tell you a lot about where they are in terms of emotional investment.

I'd be glad something tripped you guys up before it got more serious and you were even more invested.

My advice would be to not go all private investigator on your partner in your next relationship.....when the notification went off you could have just said "OMG was that Tinder". If you feel something, or suspect something, say it! There and then.

The other options are only self-torture and bordering on disrespectful depending on the other persons boundaries

woodchuck

duffman13 wrote: »

She admitted she had tinder on the phone and claimed it was an old notification which is bull****. Tbh if the relationship was as good as the OP suggested

A) she wouldn't have Tinder on the phone.
Phones these days are cluttered with apps and I get so many notifications that I tend to ignore/delete most of them. We still don't know if she was actually using Tinder.
wouldn't have said she was free to do what she wants. OP and girlfriend seem to have crossed wires about how serious/official it was
Context is key here. She was talking about the very early stages when they were only dating and not a couple yet.
C) she would have met up or contacted him since to try work through this.
I wouldn't, if I had been accused of cheating in the wrong. I'd expect the effort to be made by the accuser.

People who compulsively lie tend not to admit it even when caught. OP you've dodged a bullet but you can learn a lot from this one

See bold above.

I'm not saying she definitely wasn't lying, but we also don't know that she was. Very easy to paint her as the villain when we only have one side of the story.

The OP should learn from this experience - to voice his concerns, rather than snooping around on her phone and getting a friend to try and find her on Tinder! Even if she was cheating, he handled the whole situation very poorly.

Cutie 3.14

What's this bullsh!t about phones automatically downloading apps!?

Phones don't do that! They automatically update apps, yes, but when you get a brand new phone you have to go to Google play store and download all your apps again.
She went and searched for tinder and re-downloaded it herself.

jk23

OP if communication between you two was that difficult I think it’s best you move on. When you meet the right person I don’t think you will need to worry about stuff like this.

I would have been like that too in a relationship previously, very afraid of being cheated on but you have got to try and trust the person you are with, you have to be confident in the things you bring to a relationship and I am sure you are a good person and have many good attributes.

I definitely wouldn’t recommend checking a partners phone as it can come across as an invasion of privacy. If they are cheating or not invested in you it will become obvious most of the time. Best of luck in the future.

nthclare

To be able to compartmentalize is a skill which is paramount in the dating scene. I don't give them much head space to be honest, I was dating someone myself and heard the tinder thing going off she was still on it 3 months later.

So she thought she was ****ing me over lol seriously like sure I knew she was messaging my friend and organizing a date in Dublin with him when she was up there visiting her sister.

So he screen shot the conversations, sent them to me and I forwarded it onto her....

<Snip> telling me that she was so happy with me.

You can't be up to some of them

bucketybuck

confusedguy89 wrote: »

But she's gone now and I don't know what to do....

Download Tinder, have some fun.

(I kid, but it sounds like that relationship wasn't very stable anyway so just move on and find somebody else)

Paddy Cow

woodchuck wrote: »

I still you could be the one in the wrong here OP. I'm sorry to hear you broke up, but surely if she was "caught out" she would've just admitted it now. What would she have to gain by keeping up a charade?

I know myself that when I got into a relationship I just deleted the app from my phone. But I don't think I actually deactivated my account. I don't get any notifications on my phone, but for all I know my old profile could still pop up in searches.

How are you in relationships generally? Are things normally so intense in the early stages? Any previous experience of being cheated on that could be clouding your judgement here?

Cheaters will rarely offer up any information and generally will only admit to what can be proven. Even with proof a lot of them continue to deny or downplay it.

ginandtonicsky

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Cheaters will rarely offer up any information and generally will only admit to what can be proven. Even with proof a lot of them continue to deny or downplay it.

Yeah this. Why on earth would she admit to keeping the app on her phone and staying active on it throughout their relationship? Nothing to gain there except more distrust and anger from her OH and her having to confront the fact that she did a really sh1tty thing.

Personally I think the lack of attempt to talk to the OP and fix their relationship says it all. If you love someone you can't bear to see them hurting and in pain, even if it's down to a misunderstanding. If she loved him she'd have put her arms around him and told him that and gone out of her way to show him how wrong he was.

Why did things only get serious after a few months OP? Even though she "knew how you felt about her" from January? It sounds like your feelings for her have always been stronger than hers and this might be a handy little way for her to walk away from the relationship.

Rikand

I think both of you are better off without each other.

Good luck out there OP

professore

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

All very true. However you have to give people either the benefit of the doubt or leave, he already shows he doesn't have a trusting nature where she is concerned, so if I were her I would get out of there because this amount of mistrust so early on and with such level of detail doesn't bode well for the future.

This is a charter to be cheated on. If you have Tinder installed and pinging alerts then you don't deserve to be trusted !!!

TerrorFirmer

Perhaps some people don't understand Tinder but if you a) still have the app and b) are getting notifications several months after entering a real relationship, then it's quite clear you're actively seaching for option b.

Yes, old profiles do appear on Tinder, but it most definitely does not magically redownload itself onto a new phone and log you in and randomly send you notifications.

Anyone who thinks the core of her story is plausible is way off.

Taking the OP at face value, she was either interested in cheating, has a strange craving for attention, or their relationship was only a placeholder for her.

Either way, he's better off without her.

Gwen Cooper

Cutie 3.14 wrote: »

What's this bullsh!t about phones automatically downloading apps!?

Phones don't do that! They automatically update apps, yes, but when you get a brand new phone you have to go to Google play store and download all your apps again.
She went and searched for tinder and re-downloaded it herself.

iPhones do that. You need to create your unique Apple ID when you get an iPhone, you can't download any apps without it.

If you get a new iPhone later, you will need to log in with your Apple ID or create a new one. Once you use your old one, everything you left in the old phone will appear on the new one - apps, photos, etc.

Chancer3001

She was probabaly on bumble as well.

Most people use that now instead of tinder

Hmm_Messiah

Gwen Cooper wrote: »

iPhones do that. You need to create your unique Apple ID when you get an iPhone, you can't download any apps without it.

If you get a new iPhone later, you will need to log in with your Apple ID or create a new one. Once you use your old one, everything you left in the old phone will appear on the new one - apps, photos, etc.

All my apps came across on my phone sing a clone option . Some then did send notifications as soon as I went on wifi

I know zero about tinder. And people often use the wrong terminology re apps and phones.


Reading overall I tend to think she did nothing wrong, well nothing actively wrong, but that's just my read. IF I were her, and had done nothing, and my boyfriend made accusations, and I gave reasonable answers, and he hung up later, I would NOT be the one running to resolve it


if the connection you talk about was real she may still have those feelings but is currently very hurt and offended. IF you remain feeling that you had something .. then days later you can offer to try speak again and see can you clarify if not repair