Is he taking it slow, or not interested?

LegacyUser

Hi all

Long time poster, but gone anon for my modesty

So I met a guy online about 2 months ago - we hit if off immediately on the first date both from a personality and physical sense. Now here is me going into paranoid mode - I just feel that he is either taking it super slow, or is maybe just stringing me along?

We have had 5 - 6 dates in this period of time, and all have been terrific (I have stayed over with him etc etc). We get on really well, and it is so relaxed and normal etc. However, I am used to being in a relationship where we are in more contact, seem to be more interested in hearing about each others lives, spending more time together basically! Like the last 2 weeks have gone by, and I have not seen him - yes, we text frequently every day, but we don't talk on the phone (we never have, and to be honest, I am not really a phone call type of person!!!!).

We work very close to each other, and I even suggested we meet for a coffee or lunch some day, but he has said he prefers after work....

He has a very high pressurised job and kids from a previous relationship, so I know that he is flat out with all those committments!

On the other hand, I have been in relationships where everything went at rollercoaster speed initially, and they were all failures!!!!

Am I just being paranoid here? I really like him, and don't want to do anything that could jeoparidise anything!

never_mind

All kinda sounds normal to me... he is in frequent contact and you are seeing each other most weekends? Pressure is for tires... Coming up to the 3 month mark I would want to know if this is a proper relationship and that he isn't seeing anyone else etc. I think you should cool the jets for now this seems like a normal speed to me.

I also hate meeting friends or whatever at lunch. I just have to rush and get back and am still wired from work.

Calypso Realm

How old are you two?

Hmm.......Unless he's made a point of saying he wants to specifically take things slow or given a reason for same.5 or 6 dates in two months in my book indicated lukewarm interest, I'm afraid. He appears to me to be just putting in enough effort to keep things ticking over. In my experience guys who are very interested are keen to lock you down in the early stages especially and it's our job to slow things down! Who makes all the dates and if you've suggested meeting up sooner what has been his reaction? I wonder if he's dating others as well. Have you brought up the subject of exclusivity?

I could be wrong, of course but this is my opinion.

Big Bag of Chips

A budding relationship and haven't seen each other for 2 weeks? Work close enough to meet for lunch but he says he prefers after work, but hasn't made any plans to meet you after work.

Fair enough if he's taking it slow, but you are equally entitled to want to see a bit more of him. I think you should put it to him. And if he's not in a position, or not bothered about seeing you more often then you can decide whether that is something you're willing to live with long-term.

Texting each other regularly isn't the same as seeing each other regularly. Texting seems to be the lazy way out of maintaining contact without having to put in too much effort.

He mightn't realise you feel this way. So tell him. What he does with that information will give you the answer you need!

catrionanic

Does he actually want a relationship? It sounds to me like maybe he’s interested in some casual dating/fun every couple of weeks at a time when he is free or has no other plans. It doesn’t sound like he’s dying to spend time with you.

Mikenesson

Harsh, but he's prob suiting himself

Big Bag of Chips

His children from a previous relationship, might be his children from his current relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

His children from a previous relationship, might be his children from his current relationship.

I wondered about that too. Or that his relationship has genuinely ended and he is seeing someone else. It might help explain why he doesn't want to be seen in public at lunchtimes with the OP.

I'm curious to know what his place is like.

ahnow

I’d be feeling uncomfortable if I hadn’t seen a newish partner in about two weeks for no good reason, especially if you have been tied into exclusivity with the person.
Like you can meet someone for an hour even if you’re really busy in a two week period. I think it’s kind of selfish in a new relationship, especially if you’re exclusive, it means you’re tied to someone you cant see, cant sleep with, cant spend quality time with, and you cant suss out if there’s better options out there at the same time, when you could be being strung along by them!!

I’d really be concerned about it, and for people saying that he could be taking it slow....there’s taking it slow and then there’s this. He sounds like he’s possibly still in a relationship, or not that interested. Either way he honestly sounds like he’s wasting your time. Been there myself and I’m not about that life. You should be with someone where you dont have to question these things, and it doesn’t mean it has to be full on either, but two full weeks is taking the piss a bit, and turning you down for opportunities to meet in the mean time. Doesnt look good.

JeffKenna

You mention the word relationship and what it means to you several times in your post. Have you actually sat down and agreed that you are in a relationship with this man?

LegacyUser

Hi all

OP here. Really really value your replies. We are both in our early 40s so by no way “teenagers”!!

His ex partner (mother of his kids) is not In the picture and in fact they have quite a difficult relationship from what I can gather.

I think my main concerns is that I will be seeing him next week but that will have been the first time in 3 weeks which I honestly feel is strange when you are just newly seeing someone. We literally work 3 min walk from each other! Maybe closer! I am not sure that he doesn’t want to be seen in public with me as we have been out in town on dates before.

This next comment is going to make me sound like a teenager but here goes - I also had cause on one or two occasions to feel in my gut that he sent me texts not destined for me 🙈 nothing bad, but just didn’t totally add up or fit into the conversation we were having ....

We have not spoken about being in a “relationship” and perhaps I may have incorrectly referred to it as such in my original post, but I would have thought that after going on 2 months of having Initially met, that whatever this is should be a little bit more?

If I didn’t like him as much as I do, I would not be overthinking this to the extent I am! It’s typical! The one guy I really like since being single , this cr@p happens ha ha ha !

Should I wait till I see him next week and ask him then where things lie ?

Sephiroth_dude

Talk to him next week when you see and see what the story is, you can't go like this.

ahnow

I’d even just do a quick phone call now instead of dragging it out a whole week, sounds completely head wrecking!

LegacyUser

Hi all

OP here! Bit the bullet over the weekend and sent a message - he has acknowledged that it has been "very slow" but confirmed that he is very interested.... So I shall have to wait and see how things progress now. At least I was honest and upfront and he knows that I am not going to allow myself to be "strung along" !

homerjay2005

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

Hi all

We have not spoken about being in a “relationship” and perhaps I may have incorrectly referred to it as such in my original post, but I would have thought that after going on 2 months of having Initially met, that whatever this is should be a little bit more?

there are lots of people out there who think 5 or 6 dates and / or 2 months is not really along time, especially when you are not teenagers. i know multiple people who've been in that suituation and it didnt develop into a "proper" relationship until 4 or 5 months especially if ye are not seeing each other every 2 or 3 days.

he could probably be interested but taking things slow, after being burned in a previous relationship.

woodchuck

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

Hi all

OP here! Bit the bullet over the weekend and sent a message - he has acknowledged that it has been "very slow" but confirmed that he is very interested.... So I shall have to wait and see how things progress now. At least I was honest and upfront and he knows that I am not going to allow myself to be "strung along" !

Well done for being upfront about it.

However, are you happy taking things this slowly?

tara73

tread carefully here OP.
sorry, but to me it sounds like he's 'multi-dating' and is most probably just up for, well, one thing...

you said you stayed over at his place so I presume you were intimate...

your gut feeling with the texts not meant to be for you is another indicator. gut feelings are almost always right.

you made the first step for yourself with sending him the text things are going too slow for you. I wouldn't leave it at that, I would make it clear in your next date you are looking for some 'real' relationship or however to phrase it and seeing each other only every few weeks isn't doing it for you.
You need to see his reaction face to face and I'm sure you can gather something from it. It's always better addressing this things face to face than via text. probably he will agree to it but also probably nothing will come out of it. then you have your final answer.

ginandtonicsky

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

Hi all

OP here! Bit the bullet over the weekend and sent a message - he has acknowledged that it has been "very slow" but confirmed that he is very interested.... So I shall have to wait and see how things progress now. At least I was honest and upfront and he knows that I am not going to allow myself to be "strung along" !

Does he though? You basically sent a text asking him what was up, he said "nah I do like you" and you said "ah grand" and seem happy to let it go.

You're not teenagers, you're in your 40s and you are allowed to ask for what you want. I'd be inclined to tell him "listen, I like you but I'm not happy to see you once in a blue moon when we work 3 minutes from each other. I'm looking for something more than a casual online thing, what exactly are you after?"

Calypso Realm

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

Hi all

OP here! Bit the bullet over the weekend and sent a message - he has acknowledged that it has been "very slow" but confirmed that he is very interested.... So I shall have to wait and see how things progress now. At least I was honest and upfront and he knows that I am not going to allow myself to be "strung along" !

You mean you did this over a text? What exactly did you say?

You see, interpreting how genuine his response was, at this point in time is actually fraught with difficulty. I mean, given all that's gone one, even if true, he's hardly going to come right out and say he's not interested, is he? Actions speak far louder than words and with this in mind, he's not coming across to me as someone who's 'very interested'. Also by far better to have done this face to face where you can guage reaction etc.

OK, I know the horse has bolted here but the very best time to have put your cards on the table was in the beginning-you're perfectly entitled to say what you're looking for- particularly before you had sex.

From now on I'd watch his actions very carefully. Unless he brings it up, I wouldn't say anything more. He's know where you stand and it's his job to step-up, backing up his words with actions. (If I were you though, I'd consider dating others as well, though UNLESS he comes up with some bullet-proof reasons for 'taking it slow' as well as a marked improvement in his interest level!

Best of luck OP but do tread carefully.....Be prepared to walk, if needs be!

LegacyUser

Hi all

OP here again. I really want to thank you sincerely for your replies which have given me much food for thought.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am on the verge of walking away on this one. We had an indepth call about my concerns after the text and then I met him during the week after work. That night turned out to be a complete disaster - one of his kids had a mini meltdown at his mothers, and the mother wanted to bring him over to try and calm him down, and i got the push out the door!

I live in another county so being left stranded at 10.30pm was a tad annoying! I spent a fortune getting a taxi over to a mates, and he promised me he would meet me the following day to reimburse me, but needless to say that did not happen.

And no calls over the weekend either - just the odd text.

I completely understand that it was an issue with one of his children and I am not in any way making a big deal out of it as these things cannot be helped, but I think the follow up to it really reinforced his feelings.

I am going to see how things pan out over the next day or so, but my gut tells me "this aint working out"!!

ahnow

Really bad form on his part OP, I dont think I’d be wasting any more time with him to be honest.
I’d also be VERY suspicious that he wasn’t still in a relationship with this woman, and that’s why you were getting booted out the door so quickly. Either way his behaviour afterwards tells you enough about him. Poor form and low effort.

Katgurl

Sorry op but id be very very wary here. Pushed out the door and not even reimbursed...

I'd walk.

ginandtonicsky

The fact that he wasn't mortified at how he treated you and jumping to make up to you the next day says it all. Yeah these things happen with kids, but if he was in any way invested in you he wouldn't have left things like this.

Don't be a door mat. Delete, block, move on.

never_mind

This changes everything. He is not apologising for throwing you out - get rid of him, OP, you deserve much better.

Calypso Realm

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

Hi all
We had an indepth call about my concerns after the text and then I met him during the week after work.

A moot point at this stage I know, but I'm interested in how this went and what was said.

OP agree with the others here. In fact I'd take back control here and dump him at this point. Personally, I'd just ignore him from now on. I'm sure he'll get the message loud and clear!

Emme

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am on the verge of walking away on this one. We had an indepth call about my concerns after the text and then I met him during the week after work. That night turned out to be a complete disaster - one of his kids had a mini meltdown at his mothers, and the mother wanted to bring him over to try and calm him down, and i got the push out the door!

I live in another county so being left stranded at 10.30pm was a tad annoying! I spent a fortune getting a taxi over to a mates, and he promised me he would meet me the following day to reimburse me, but needless to say that did not happen.

And no calls over the weekend either - just the odd text.

I completely understand that it was an issue with one of his children and I am not in any way making a big deal out of it as these things cannot be helped, but I think the follow up to it really reinforced his feelings.

I am going to see how things pan out over the next day or so, but my gut tells me "this aint working out"!!

He pushed you out the door knowing you live in another county yet not giving a fig how you got home. The very LEAST he could have done was to call you the next day to make sure you got home ok and reimburse you for the taxi. He didn't even do that. What a scumbag!

Delete his number from your phone, or if you have the self-discipline not to contact him again BLOCK him so he can't contact you. Don't let him waste any more of your time. If you continue to give him chances your self esteem will deflate to zero.

I would think that there is unfinished business between him and the mother of his children. You say she is not in the picture but if she calls him when his child has a meltdown and brings the child over she is very much in the picture. Much more so than you - he booted you out into the street not caring how you got home. Are they really finished or are they just on a trial separation and living apart for a while?

It was suspicious that he never wanted to meet you for lunch despite the fact he works 3 minutes away from you. He probably doesn't want to be seen in public with anyone else. I would say he is still very much involved with the mother of his children but playing around - basically having his cake and eating it.

Move on.

miamee

He may like you a lot and be 'interested' but it seems clear that he doesn't have the space in his life for a relationship at the moment nor is he able to make that space. He should have been apologetic and rearranging when to meet again to make it up to you but instead you got "the odd text" over an entire weekend. Bad form.

Sephiroth_dude

ParanoidNellie wrote: »

I am going to see how things pan out over the next day or so, but my gut tells me "this aint working out"!!

Don't waste your time, just walk away and put it behind you.

professore

He is either

A. Still in a relationship with the mother of his children, or
B. Just out of a bad relationship, is cynical about relationships and now having as much sex as he possibly can and has no intention of getting into another relationship for a while.

I would suspect B, as you thought he was texting other women. Either way you are collateral damage.