Out of my depth (again)

beauf

I thought it was an interesting discussion. Regardless.

JustAThought

alan partridge aha wrote: »

Hey guys ok last posted 2 weeks ago, he could have changed jobs.

Probably too busy and frantic to even look. By all accounts he is working on his stack of projects while trying to break the back of it before the 16th - or on his final day today. Tbh the job sounds like a total headwreck - he may be a perfectionist or not able to figure out the role he is not recruited nor trained for buy that kind of unending stress and pressure is extremely bad - he needs to send an emaul or two to his bosses to say that they need to talk & schedule some core specialists to outsorce the coding to that can manage the problem without his having to troubleshoot (ie write the code) & sort out the resourcing issues - he is one man in an iT department and a manager - in the same way as the chef is not supposed to orfer and cook the food as well as to have to set the tables,take the bookings, greet the guests open the shutters, take out the bins and pay the staff in a reataurant. There are reasonable expectations and paramaters for a role - they cannot just expect him to do and manage anf be everything.

beauf

Happened to me a few times in my IT Career.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I haven't changed jobs but I have been busy since I posted last. I am on holidays for the next week so yes I have been trying to get a few things done before I left.
I haven't spoken to my boss about it because that gives the impression of me being incompetent (I know you will disagree with that). I don't mind being stupid, but I do mind other people thinking I'm stupid. I know there's a few people in there who I have done stuff for that that don't think I am up to the job. The guy who was there before me was a genius so they were used to him doing whatever they asked and within the requested timeframe.
Having me instead is a bit of a shock to the system for them I'd say.
I finished that app I was working on but it took me about four times the time I was supposed to get it done in. Nobody said anything to me but it doesn't look good.
I have just completed another app that is now in test and it will be tested while I am off. There will probably be issues with that that I will have to fix when I get back. I am going to check my mail while I am off; I don't like the shock of seeing emails about loads of problems when I come back Monday week. I was stuck on one issue on a SQL report there for a while; I had to ask the guy in the UK to and he spotted the issue. I should have seen it myself though.
Sometimes I am really envious of others working in there; I see the girls in accounts heading out at lunch on the dot of one o clock laughing and joking while I am stuck there having my lunch at my desk as per usual. They are probably getting paid more than me too because they have been working there longer than me.
Someone asked about SLDC,timelines etc.; there's none of that in my place; I just get a spec and code it up. Maybe not the best way of doing things but it is not a software company so that is often the way in a workplace that has a small IT department.

mach1982

First of all OP you are NOT STUPID or incompetent, and stop comparing yourself to the guy that left, your NOT him,you are you . Do not check your mail when on holiday, you'll just stress you self out turn off you phone and e-mail, user the holiday to relax, forget about work, if there problem they'll sort it out.Talk to you boss explain to him how you feel, ask for help, tell him what you told us, if he is good boss he will understand.

All software has bugs, I remember been 80% of software development is debugging and only 20% is coding . What you need is confidence in your self. Also you chooses to stay at you desk and eat lunch, who cares how much the accounting girls make, bet you couldn't tell difference between Oracle and MySQL. Take your break talk to you colleagues, they might able to help when you get bogged down, also when it happens best get up go for a walk veg out on YouTube, and bet you the answer will come to you.

I'm talking from experience, I know what it is like to doubt yourself , always comparing myself to someone "better" than me , what I learnt is there will always someone who know more than you, no one knows everything especially in IT, bet you the previous guys code was mostly cut an paste from stack-overflow, and I bet his code had bugs.

b34mer23

OP it's like reading a post from myself here! Definitely been in the same boat, it's horrible!

We all make things worse in our head by keeping things in there. Panic festers and can make mountains out of molehills. With that, I know it's cliche, but problem shared is a problem halved and it generally does apply. Any half decent manager will help you, and you'll actually come out looking good for looking for a hand, shows good maturity.

I know this reads like a "just do something" about it type suggestion, but sometimes that's all takes. Bite the bullet, rip the plaster out, get out of your head etc etc.

All the best with it OP!

Lukker-

OP first of all enjoy your holiday, you deserve it. Check your emails but don’t reply, and don’t spend too much time thinking about it.

You are doing the job of 2 people, you need at least another person to support you. Did you receive an increase in compensation when the senior guy left? You need another set of eyes because when it’s just you, you can get lost in the code and it’s harder to spot what’s going wrong when you spend so much time looking at the same thing.

Anyways take it easy, you sound like you might be close to burning out. It’s only a job, and if it’s too much pressure you will have no problem getting something else, maybe more support focused.

LegacyUser

I'm fed up of it anyway. Left work on Friday evening stuck again on something. I have been looking at sites like upwork etc. over the weekend to get someone who might have a solution. I need it done by Tuesday at the latest though.
No I didn't get an increase in compensation when the senior guy left. No money could compensate me for this torture though. I am going to look for a different job.

LegacyUser

There's been a development anyway; I was told today they are hiring another guy to help me. He is not going to physically be in the office; he is based in the UK and will be working offline.
I haven't been getting on too well in the job; I've been getting my work done but it's been taking me too long. Most infamously with writing the app that caused me to start this thread.
It's in Prod and is working away grand but it was a real struggle for me and really upset me while I was doing it.
I hate the feeling of leaving work on a Friday evening with some coding problem unresolved, waiting to be fixed on the Monday. I hate it on any evening but it's worse on a Friday because I have the whole weekend to think about it.
There are a couple of guys who work in another part of the building who I know for a fact have been slagging me off among themselves, saying I am not up to the job. I was never supposed to do this job anyway because I was given it on the understanding that I would be supporting the existing DBA/Systems Developer (it says that on my contract). However he upped and left the week I started so I ended up doing his job. My boss has been filling this gap since then by having the guy in the UK helping me out now and then and the guy who left has come back a few times to do bits and pieces. Now the guy in the UK is working for us full-time. I suppose I should be glad as it will take some of the workload off me but I still think I should go because I am on a contract and it runs until the 31st January 2019. I have a feeling this guy has been hired to replace me and my contract will not be renewed on the 31st January. I don't know what's gone on behind the scenes but I think it's been decided that I am too slow to get things done an they have decided to replace me by stealth.
I won't have any comeback because even though they broke my contract by having me a do a job that was different to what was described in the contract that contract will be finished so they can just not renew it.
I have seen an advertisement for a software dev course tutor so I will apply for it and see what happens. I have got until the end of January to get a new job but I'd rather move now.

beauf

They'll probably replace you with 3 guys.

Sucks to be set up to fail like that. You have my empathy.

TomOnBoard

Its just as well that youve come to this conclusion. Not because you're not good enough, but because you BELIEVE you're not.

You need to take an honest look at how you coped in previous jobs as well. And more important, how did you BELIEVE you did. If you never felt out of your depth in the way you do here, in any previous job, then you can see this one as bad 'un and its time to call it quits. However, your thread is titled "Out of my depth (again)" and I wonder why you put the "again" in there. Might it be that you are simply dealing with a serious lack of self- confidence and resilience that are leading you to obsess about what you see as shortcomings, that others might see as over thinking things.

DON'T allow what you perceive gobs%^tes elsewhere in the organisation to be thinking or saying to enter your head. If they're not in your chain of command, their opinion is irrelevant. Sometimes when we're feeling poorly about our performance, we see other peoples' comments or even the way they might look at you, in a negative light and grossly over- state it to ourselves. Feeding negative thoughts like that is highly self- destructive and might be worth taking some time for you to speak about with someone outside of work.

I hired many people in the IT area over 30 years, and I never once met someone I wanted to fire who was trying their best and performing reasonably OK, when they gave a full commitment and were not just useless. There were quite a few geniuses that I would have gladly got rid of who knew so much they were excellent producers, but only when they either felt like it or when they dragged themselves away from their proverbial narcissistic mirror, such was their self- belief. And those ppl were often a nightmare in terms of personality and damaged the cohesion of more teams than Roy Keane.

Based on what you've said here, and not intending to give out to you, but FFS give yourself a break. And then by all means look to greener/further pastures. But do so with confidence, and spend a while working on that in the meantime.

Some here have been with you on this thread from the beginning. So you know from our posts that we want you to succeed.

LegacyUser

I appreciate the kind comments here but they are not helping me really. Maybe the guy they have hired is not there to replace me but I don't really trust them in this place. There are lots of other people on 12 month contracts in there but I don't see a reason for giving someone a 12 month contract other than that they want the option to get rid of you to be available.
As regards my performance in the job, I'm mad at myself for not being good at it, I'm not mad at the company. It's very bad for my morale to be in a job where I know I am not up to it. I know most people wouldn't give a s***e and would probably not care as long as they saw the numbers in the bank account every month but that doesn't work for me.
I know for a fact there is dissatisfaction among some people that they had this wizard before me who could do everything they asked and now they've got this guy in his place. I just don't like the feeling inside of inadequacy. Driving home on a Friday evening saying to myself "Why didn't I fix that quicker?", "Why didn't I know that was why it wasn't working" etc. It's a horrible feeling and really brings me down. Maybe some people there aren't thinking negatively of me but I'm thinking it and I don't like it one bit.
I say out of my depth (again) because it's a recurring theme and I'm sick of it. I've got away with it most times but I don't want to get away with it. I like the idea of tutoring because you can prepare yourself beforehand and there are no surprises lying in wait every day. A student can ask you something that isn't in the curriculum but you can say I'll look it up and get back to you.
When I did it it was the only job I felt "Hey, I'm actually good at this"
A lot of my problem is to do with self-esteem. If I can't do everything myself my attitude is "**** off I don't want to know". (unless I can go and learn it but then that takes time).
That's a weakness I know but it's just my mentality.

Berserker

ollie_87 wrote: »

Left work on Friday evening stuck again on something.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Been in that position countless times myself. An old architect used to tell me that problems are good news for us. If there weren't any problems we wouldn't have a job.

beauf

Theres a guy I know that keeps getting himself stuck simply because he can't or is not willing to break things down into simple problems.

For example he will spend days trying to fix problems with huge amount of data instead of isolating one bit of data and fixing that. Then moving to the next bit.

Basically he takes on too much at once then gets overwhelmed. Yet is unwilling to change how he works..

Maybe you are doing similar things.

jester77

Sounds like you have an understanding boss. That is a huge help. Have a chat with him/her, explain the situation. Keeping the head down and not saying anything is not a good idea and will just make things worse.

Do you have a good suite of tests in place? If not, then start on this once you get through the current project. Ask for the time to get them in place, you can use your current predicament as motivation for getting time for this. They are a life saver in situations like this. You make a change, run the tests and check they are all ok. Then make the next change and test again. You never have to worry about breaking current implementations. Any half decent boss will understand their value.

Zascar

OP have you started looking for jobs that you could prefer and could excel at?

LegacyUser

Zascar wrote: »

OP have you started looking for jobs that you could prefer and could excel at?

ollie_87 wrote: »

I have seen an advertisement for a software dev course tutor so I will apply for it and see what happens. I have got until the end of January to get a new job but I'd rather move now.

I have applied for this and am hopeful but I'd say I won't even get called for an interview because I am short on experience and don't have all the required qualifications. It's a less "prestigious" job than the one I am in but I don't mind that.
The only stumbling block would be the salary as I would not move for less money (I know I am not that great at what I do for a living but I know what I am worth).
I liked teaching because there's a saying "those who can't do teach". That's not true of all teachers of course as most of them are really smart and capable and I have massive respect for teachers/tutors because it is a very difficult job. However there is a certain amount of truth in that saying.
Anyway I'd say it won't matter because I won't get the job. It's just that in my current job when it took me so long to do that last application (six weeks instead of two) and the MD's were sending emails around asking when it would be finished etc. it made me feel uncomfortable and well, stupid.
The very second anything goes wrong for me in a job I want out. In a previous job I deleted a database by accident and even though my boss didn't bat an eyelid I wanted out after that.
In the tutoring job I felt competent most of the time and got good feedback from my manager when the contract finished. The only thing I didn't teach too well in it was Photoshop because I always hated that application and could never get into it.

TomOnBoard

I'm not sure there's much point in typing out yet another long post to help you when you say that none of this is helping you. You've applied for a job and before you even get a response, you say you won't get called for interview and if you do, you wont get the job. This kind of negativity is going to destroy you.

At this stage, I'd recommend that you stop looking for advice from strangers on Boards when you're in need of some professional life- coaching / counselling to help you deal with the attitude that is clearly holding you back. Such professional help would pay massive dividends IMHO.

The longest journey has always started with taking the first step! Good luck, but I'm outta here!

Zascar

Honestly OP I've never seen such a negative & defeatest attitude. Seems like you are in a very bad place and need some help. You should probably go talk to someone, learn some techniques that can pull you out o this rut. It's very doable. Even buy a few books on confidence and finding your way. Look on Amazon or any decent bookshop will have them. Your mind is in a negative spiral but if you pull out of it you'll be amazed the good things that will happen. Do whatever it takes it will be worth it. Feel free to ask any questions.

GreeBo

I've been working as a develoepr for the last 20+ years.

Being stuck on something and having to work around things is basically a description of the role.

Its ridiculously rare that you design something and then implement it step by step and it just works.

All the POCs and spikes in the world wont catch all the gotchas, changed requirements etc. its just part and parcel of the job.

The secret, and your main problem as I see it, is that you need to share the status of things. You are keeping all the problems to yourself and all the outside world sees is that you are late delivering something.
You need to share that there are problems and that you have a plan for working on them. There is nothing more frustrating as a customer (the two guys are your customer in this case) than being kept in the dark and then suddenly being told "its going to be late" on the day its due.

Its also common enough to feel "im an idiot, I dont know what Im doing" when you get stressed and stuff isnt working, again this is why you need to share stuff and bounce things off other people, even if they are not responsible or even on the project. Good development is always the product of more than one person, if you only ever listen to yourself you code will most likely end up being weird and esoteric and difficult for anyone else to understand, it was also be overly complicated since you probably didnt sit down and think it all through several times, the way you would if you were working with others.

LegacyUser

I'll take on board your advice. Apologies about the negativity, I probably took it too far alright.

Zascar

Honestly you can do this - you are just feeling overwhelmed - it will pass. Lots of good advice above so please action as much as possible. Keep us updated.