How much flirting is too much in the early days?

LegacyUser

I'm a 30 year old woman who has reluctantly started online dating and am just unsure about a few things which have occurred to me while I have been chatting to lads online.

A lot of guys have messaged me and as I like someone who can make me laugh and is a bit cheeky I've found myself wondering recently is there a degree of that kind of talk that's too much and should set alarm bells ringing for me.
I just find it strange that some guys are so flirty without even having met them and am wondering is this a sure sign they are only out for one thing or if it's just banter. One guy has asked me to meet up and I will just give a quick idea of the things he has said to me since we have begun chatting. I need to point out also that I am no prude, I enjoy sex, flirting and all that goes with it but I'm trying to figure out if there's too much of that kind of talk going on before we meet. This guy asks me questions about myself and we have talked about lots of different stuff.
He has said that his type of girl is "friendly, cute, funny and looks good in a tight skirt". He has also commented that what I was wearing in my profile photo was very sexy. When he first mentioned about meeting up I was a bit blunt and asked if he was only out for the ride or what and he said he hadn't thought past a drink. He asked if that was all I wanted and joked about me having the "three date rule". Aside from this we have had a laugh and have been chatting about lots of different things from our interests, our job, and we seem to get on pretty well through texting anyway.
I'm just wondering if this is too much "flirty talk" as even the other guys I have been talking to in the last two weeks since I joined have been doing some degree of it. I've never met anyone online before so I guess it's very different and you don't have a lot to go on in the beginning except someone's picture and how you get on chatting.

zapper55

I did online dating for a while. In my experience the guys that were bringing up sex were not interested in anything long term.

Also the guys description of his perfect girl is patronising and shallow. Looks good in a tight skirt? Please!

And also two weeks chatting to someone was far too long. You'd build up this faux intimacy from texting a lot without having ever met the person. Nothing beats chatting in person. I'd give it a few days of chatting and then meet.

amdublin

Trust your gut

A bit of flirting is fine (and Good!). To me, too much or too early talk of sex - the fella is telling you he is looking for a short term sexual relationship rather than a long term thing.

fineso.mom

'looks good in a tight skirt'...would have sent me running.

Rikand

fineso.mom wrote: »

'looks good in a tight skirt'...would have sent me running.

Because you don't look good in a tight skirt ?


I see nothing wrong with what he wrote. He's indicated his intentions right from the start that a physical attraction is important to him. Bit of honesty like that is to be applauded rather than decried.

@OP - Flirting is great and I dont think there can be too much of it. If hes flirting a lot with you, at least you know he's interested

Einstrahlung50

It's important to establish flirting early so the interaction is sexual and not platonic. The longer it's polite and friendly the more likely it is you'll be telling your friends about how he is perfect boyfriend material but you just don't think of him in "that way".

Conservatory

You sound like you really have your guard up. Try let go abit and have a bit of a laugh. If you end up having a nice night out great if you don’t chalk it down to the kissing so many frogs jive.
If it was all just ride this send me a picture that I’d say don’t bother but if it was straight yes no lacking personality talk why bother.

leggo

You sound like you've been warned about online dating that a lot of lads are out for the ride and are immediately on the back foot. As a lad who isn't just out for the ride when I'm on apps, that's quite common (even in chatting to female friends who are dating) and really off-putting to experience. I hate trying to have a conversation and feeling grilled because a girl has been unlucky or showed ill-judgement in attracting a few dickheads. I'll allow maybe one super defensive question per pleasant night chatting to them and if it's much more than that, I'll just stop talking to them.

You're not wrong in what you say though. Stuff like the 'tight skirt' is standard creep talk. Then again, there are other red flags on the other side of the spectrum you can look out for like a guy making a point to go out of his way to show how nice and chivalrous and respectful he is. That could be someone who knows it's what women want to hear so he's saying it regardless of beliefs, meaning he could be manipulative and high on the narcissistic scale. Another thing to factor in is that it's tough for people, man or woman, to write an 'About Me', so if something in your profile has you wondering but then they seem decent while chatting, don't rule them out.

In truth there are millions of things you can look out for, but if you spend all of your time on the backfoot, you're probably either going to rule out or run off every man who you chat to eventually (including some good ones). Online dating isn't hard. It's having a low-committal, natural conversation with someone and seeing how it goes. If you find yourself with your wall up constantly, you're not in a good headspace for it because every single one of us has scabs we can pick at, so either take the wall down if you can or don't put yourself through the torture of apps and work on your own happiness before adding a potential partner to it. Hope that helps and is taken in the spirit it's intended.

ginandtonicsky

Rikand wrote: »

I see nothing wrong with what he wrote. He's indicated his intentions right from the start that a physical attraction is important to him. Bit of honesty like that is to be applauded rather than decried.

That's a given if he's swiping on her and striking up a conversation with her on a dating app that he's not exactly looking for a squash partner tbh.

What men like this don't realise when they're trying to "avoid the friend zone" or whatever is that women get bombarded with this kind of shyte constantly on these apps and it's just everything from boring to cringey to creepy most of the time. It doesn't differentiate you, it makes women more likely to dismiss you and not give you a chance.

Sure, build a bit of tension, compliment her appearance, throw in a few innuendos, but when a guy is continuously bringing it back to "you look sexy" and has little interest in who you actually are, IME, he just wants to get laid. None of my long-term partners were ever smutty in those early days, but it was still glaringly obvious that they were interested in me.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Leggo, your post made so much sense to me as I read it. I actually was very hurt in a previous relationship, not so much that it ended as you can't force it if someone doesn't want to be with you but more the way I was treated. It was long distance and he had been cold for a day or two and then ended things by telling me not to bother going to his house the day he came home and that he was done. I feel I need to get back out there quicker than I normally would as sometimes when relationships end I completely lose interest in anything with anyone.

My ex was so polite in the beginning, showed he was really interested in me, apologised for being rude when he made innuendos in the early days and he hurt and disrespected me more than anyone I've ever been with. I agree that I do have my guard up and st least this guy is being honest in putting across the view that sexual attraction is important for him. It is for me too, but moreso down the line. I seem to be looking for faults all the time with him and trying to catch any red flags earlier. However the last few conversations we had have just been normal getting to know you kind of stuff, he is passing through where I live with his job tomorrow so we have arranged to meet up.
Hopefully I can train myself to stop looking for negatives with him and just enjoy the date for what it is. We have stuff in common, we have had a good laugh so I feel I need to give it a go.

ginandtonicsky

quickquest wrote: »

I feel I need to get back out there quicker than I normally would as sometimes when relationships end I completely lose interest in anything with anyone.

This stood out for me. It does sound like you are forcing yourself out there before you're actually ready for it. Why would you feel like you have to do that?

Feeling a bit guarded and a bit 'once bitten twice shy' is a perfectly normal response in the aftermath of a bad relationship experience IME. Everyone feels this way. I think it's pretty healthy to take a bit of a dating breather at that point and just focus on yourself, reclaiming your confidence and your self-worth, getting your head straight again. If you don't get this space, you're often a hot mess when someone new comes along, overthinking and freaking out and emoting all over the place. The repercusssions can be bad not just for you but for the person you're attempting to be romantic with.

I mean as long as you're not still uninterested in romance five years later or something...I think you should put less pressure on yourself to 'get back out there' and meet someone and just focus on building yourself up again. When you're a bit more emotionally robust and self-confident, your boundaries are better and you don't tend to get into these absolute headfcuks of situations .