Front to back?

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly

Dear After Hours

I once read that one should wipe from front to back. Unfortunately I can't get sufficient purchase using this method and have reverted to my trusted back to front technique. I now have fewer unsavoury undergarment stains, but am worried I may be causing long term harm.

Yours in minor distress,

Roger

Donald Trump

Peasant.

Do you not have a maid for that?

Scarleh fer ya

Jim Bob Scratcher

Balls are already smelly enough without getting any shoite on them.

fineso.mom

Are you reaching between your legs or putting your arm behind your back?

NegativeCreep

Think that’s more for women because back to front can introduce bacteria to the vagina. Men don’t have that problem.

Conservatory

If you can’t reach and wipe in the conventional way I’m guessing your BMI score:arm length ratio is all wrong.

Chev_Chelios

Talk about a shít post.

floatwinner

This is the worst thread in a long time. And that's saying something.

Johnnyhpipe

I believe that only applies to women. They don’t want to get shiyte in their ghee

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly

fineso.mom wrote: »

Are you reaching between your legs or putting your arm behind your back?

I reach between my legs. I've never attempted it from the rear - it sounds most awkward. I assume you need to arise (or at least half arise) from the pan with this approach?

Donald Trump

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

I believe that only applies to women. They don’t want to get shiyte in their ghee

Is that why your missus never lets me swap between, in snooker terms, potting the pink or the brown.


I always just assumed it was a predilection for the oul' brown


:pac:

Donald Trump

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly wrote: »

I reach between my legs. I've never attempted it from the rear - it sounds most awkward. I assume you need to arise (or at least half arise) from the pan with this approach?

Ah Jaysus.


How have you lived so long and never learned how to wipe your arse?


What kind of an acrobatic contortion are you putting yourself into atall atall

Peatys

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly wrote: »

I reach between my legs. I've never attempted it from the rear - it sounds most awkward. I assume you need to arise (or at least half arise) from the pan with this approach?

Why are you reaching anywhere?
Is your bidet broken? Can you not use one of the other bidets in the house?

Peatys

Donald Trump wrote: »

Is that why your missus never lets me swap between, in snooker terms, potting the pink or the brown.


I always just assumed it was a predilection for the oul' brown


:pac:

Just go via the mouth

Donald Trump

Peatys wrote: »

Just go via the mouth

Depends on whether someone else is occupying that position.

She does be a busy lady so she dies

foxy farmer

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

I believe that only applies to women. They don’t want to get shiyte in their ghee

Ah jaysus.

Donald Trump

foxy farmer wrote: »

Ah jaysus.

Any Indian will tell you that there's nothing worse that shite in their ghee

Antar Bolaeisk

Invest in a bum gun and thank me later.

_Brian

How can someone be old enough to have a boards account and post online but not be sure about wiping their ass.

That level of idiocy really explains a large proportion of AH threads.

lawred2

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly wrote: »

Dear After Hours

I once read that one should wipe from front to back. Unfortunately I can't get sufficient purchase using this method and have reverted to my trusted back to front technique. I now have fewer unsavoury undergarment stains, but am worried I may be causing long term harm.

Yours in minor distress,

Roger

Back to front? Wtf is that

JohnnyFlash

Have you ever been to Japan, Roger? Once you’ve finished pinching out a loaf, you press a button on the console. It uses cutting edge technology to work out where your sherrif’s badge is and sprays a jet of water right in there. You can control the intensity and temperature of the water. You can then make a final pass through with a few sheets of arts degrees, and walk out confident that your hoop is in pristine condition.

Top class work by the Japs.

jimboblep

Someone doesn't know how to use the 3 shells

Alf Veedersane

Donald Trump wrote: »

Depends on whether someone else is occupying that position.

She does be a busy lady so she dies

More Henry the Eighth than Donald Trump.

Mark Horgan

Adjust your pooping time to your showering time, poop first and then shower, wash out your crack in the shower.

EPAndlee

jimboblep wrote: »

Someone doesn't know how to use the 3 shells

Your welcome OP

JohnnyFlash

Mark Horgan wrote: »

Adjust your pooping time to your showering time, poop first and then shower, wash out your crack in the shower.

Easier said than done, Mark. Nothing moves for me until I have a coffee and two Marlboro Reds. You’d have to move the shower time to after breakfast. Not on.

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly

_Brian wrote: »

How can someone be old enough to have a boards account and post online but not be sure about wiping their ass.

My parents neglected this aspect of my education.

I'll attempt access from the rear following my next bowel movement.

Mark Horgan

Nappies is another option.

pleas advice

floatwinner wrote: »

This is the worst thread in a long time. And that's saying something.

Back to the good old days

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly

I tried front to back earlier. I had to lift one cheek for access. It didn’t feel comfortable and as mentioned I couldn’t achieve sufficient purchase.

Mark Horgan

If you sprayed your crack with wd40 before you go to the toilet I would imagine there would be no need for wiping. It should ease in a tight hard big one too.

Capt'n Midnight

Donald Trump wrote: »

Peasant.

Do you not have a maid for that?

Scarleh fer ya

in reality the job of Groom of the Stool was much sought after for the power and privelage of the role.

Amirani

Try elevating your feet off the ground (can rest them on something) so you're in a more squat rather than seated position. Improves stool movement and wiping access.

Boom_Bap

Front to back? Back to Front? Why not try side to side or go pro and use a circular motion?

wexie

Conservatory wrote: »

If you can’t reach and wipe in the conventional way I’m guessing your BMI score:arm length ratio is all wrong.

Sounds like OP needs Comfort Wipe™

Available for sale here : https://www.amazon.com/Jobar-JB5231-Long-Reach-Comfort/dp/B001G70QW8

JohnnyFlash

Boom_Bap wrote: »

Front to back? Back to Front? Why not try side to side or go pro and use a circular motion?

Useless advice, dude. Dangerous even. Might be fine to go with a circular motion if you eat nothing only brown bread and salads. Could end up in disaster if carrying out some detailed paperwork the day after 12 pints and a snack box.