People offering advice on new baby

tempnam

We recently had our third child. While chatting to one of our neighbours the other day the neighbour told my wife that she shouldn't hold the baby all the time and that she "shouldn't get him into that habit".

This lady has her own family, with her youngest now into his 20's.... and I know she meant well; so we just politely moved the conversation along.

Now, we're confident enough and comfortable enough with our parenting to do things as we see fit and to ignore any unwanted advice, but it got me thinking about all the times over the past few years where people have taken it upon themselves to tell you how you should be doing something.

Where does this come from? Why would someone think it alright to tell you how to raise your kids. I'd never dream of telling someone how to be a parent. I know we all have our own ways, and that my wife and I might completely disagree with some of the things other parents do - but we keep our mouths shut as we know people don't want unsolicited advice.

The best ones are the "you let them sleep in your bed?!?!" reactions of disbelief, and the "holding them spoils them" type nuggets of 'advice'. I won't even get into the whole breastfeeding thing!

The funny thing is that the people offering this 'advice' tend to feel very strongly about what they're telling you, and they take it as an insult if you don't agree with them. But it's stuff that in no way affects them! They're not raising my kids, my wife and I are.

What is it about having children that lets people believe they can start dishing out advice to others?!

Mikenesson

What makes people start up threads with this stuff?

*Mod warning*
Please stay on topic

PLL

People that give unasked for parenting advice, generally give unasked for advice in all areas of their life, I have found. Their is a couple of people on the in-law side that pride themselves on giving their opinion on everything. They just look like idiots to the average person.

Every day I see parents parenting in ways I wouldn't. Would I ever tell them? No way. Unless you believe a child is at risk, then you contact the relevant authorities. Otherwise, keep your opinion to yourself and go about your own life.

You try telling me not to cuddle my 21 month old, who is growing gigantic molars, and keeps following me around looking for affection to cheer her up. Not for anything. Crazy stuff not hugging babies.

sillysocks

There is always so much advice when a baby arrives-and most of it conflicting.
I remember clearly having issues with my first and reflux, hospital and midwife recommended some specific formula (can’t remember which), public health nurse called before I started using it and saw the box on the table. “Ooooh I wouldn’t use that formula. It’s not recommended and causes issues”. Now as a first time mother who do you listen to!? I since found out the PHN is a clown and now ignore everything she says anyway! And my logic at the time was that there’s no way they could sell formula over the counter that did damage to the baby.

But I then discovered the best way to avoid advice is to nod and smile, and tell people what they want to hear! “Does baby sleep all night” “Oh yes”, do you feed her X? Oh yes.
Does she cry much? Oh no she’s great! Etc etc. Then people have nothing to give advice about!

tempnam

Mikenesson wrote: »

What makes people start up threads with this stuff?

Sorry if I offended you. But at least now you know that whoever you were dishing out advice to probably didn't appreciate it!

theyoungchap

I find that some people's advice I am all ears from, because they mean well and I value their opinion.
Other people I am like "yeah, now keep your opinion to yourself, you aren't an expert in parenting or the like".
It depends who it is coming from and how it is delivered.

bee06

Mikenesson wrote: »

What makes people start up threads with this stuff?

I think it’s a really interesting topic.

The best advice I was given after having my baby was from my mother in law. She told me you know your baby best, you spend all day every day with him so trust your instincts.

We’re a breastfeeding, co-sleeping family as well and I have a 6 month old who still takes his naps on me during the day. I’m sure there are plenty of people who would find this shocking and think he’ll be still napping on me in college but he’s happy and healthy so any unsolicited advice goes in one ear and out the other.

And my favourite question ... how does he sleep, my answer “oh great, he’s the best baby”. The reality sometimes is different but a stranger in the supermarket doesn’t need to know that.

tempnam

bee06 wrote: »

Mikenesson wrote: »

What makes people start up threads with this stuff?

I think it’s a really interesting topic.

The best advice I was given after having my baby was from my mother in law. She told me you know your baby best, you spend all day every day with him so trust your instincts.

We’re a breastfeeding, co-sleeping family as well and I have a 6 month old who still takes his naps on me during the day. I’m sure there are plenty of people who would find this shocking and think he’ll be still napping on me in college but he’s happy and healthy so any unsolicited advice goes in one ear and out the other.

And my favourite question ... how does he sleep, my answer “oh great, he’s the best baby”. The reality sometimes is different but a stranger in the supermarket doesn’t need to know that.

Another neighbour asked "Is he sleeping through the night for ya?" - he was 3 days old at the time! When people give their wisdom about not allowing kids to sleep in your bed and look horrified when we say that we let them in beside us, I sometimes say "it's only a couple of years that they're young. It's not liked they'll want to sleep in with us when they're teenagers" etc. - that either shuts them up as they know I'm right, or else it horrifies them!

But it's not as if we're inflicting our methods on anyone outside our house/ family - so why do others care so much?!

splinter65

It’s human nature plain and simple. The human brain sees you with a baby and even though you’ve already had 2 other babies and you’ve managed not to break them, this other persons human brain says “I’ve had some babies/I know people who’ve had babies, I must tell this person how to mind that baby. I’m being very helpful and that person will be very grateful”.
It’s the same if you get a “big ticket” new anything really. A car a house a horse.
The urge to dole out advice is totally overwhelming in some people.

Loveinapril

It is funny how people feel that they can impart their expertise onto parents. I found it hard at the start as I am a first time mother. We shared our bed, wore our son in a sling and I breastfed. We had lots of unwarranted advice about habits/ spoiling our son etc. I was told it was good for his lungs if he was left to cry (he was 4 weeks old at the time) and was encouraged to put him on formula to get him to "thrive" and start feeding him baby rice at 6 weeks to get him to sleep through the night. My kid is 7.5 months now and I have a stock phrase of "that won't/ doesn't work for our family" when people start querying our choices.

tempnam

Loveinapril wrote: »

It is funny how people feel that they can impart their expertise onto parents. I found it hard at the start as I am a first time mother. We shared our bed, wore our son in a sling and I breastfed. We had lots of unwarranted advice about habits/ spoiling our son etc. I was told it was good for his lungs if he was left to cry (he was 4 weeks old at the time) and was encouraged to put him on formula to get him to "thrive" and start feeding him baby rice at 6 weeks to get him to sleep through the night. My kid is 7.5 months now and I have a stock phrase of "that won't/ doesn't work for our family" when people start querying our choices.

One of my brothers gave me some good advice when we were expecting our first, and it's about the only decent advice we ever got: "listen to what everyone has to say, but do your own thing in the end - everyone is different so do what suits you".

Re: baby rice to get them to sleep through the night.... isn't sleeping through the night rare, not just for babies, but for everyone? Don't sleep cycles last a couple of hours each and lots of people naturally wake at different stages? I often wake during the night to go to the toilet or just to turn over into a more comfortable position or whatever! What's the obsession with sleeping through the night?!

bee06

tempnam wrote: »

Re: baby rice to get them to sleep through the night.... isn't sleeping through the night rare, not just for babies, but for everyone? Don't sleep cycles last a couple of hours each and lots of people naturally wake at different stages? I often wake during the night to go to the toilet or just to turn over into a more comfortable position or whatever! What's the obsession with sleeping through the night?!

That’s exactly what I say when someone talks to me about sleeping through the night!

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

"What was the infant mortality rate when you raised your children", mostly to older generation who give unwanted, and very outdated, advice. Thankfully I can be straight with my parents and can literally tell them that I don't want to hear it. One woman said that our baby should sleep on his stomach and not on his back. Same woman insisted he's going to have a full head of hair as the OH had heartburn, he came out bald as an apple.

Old neighbor across the road shouted over to us "maybe he's hungry" when we went for a walk together, and he was crying. Yea, or maybe you could mind your own damned business. I don't even know this person, only living here a couple of months. These people mean well, but they're still gobshítes.

_Brian

We just agreed vehemently with whatever piece of crackpot advice and kept doing our own thing.

The only advice I gave to a new parent is find what works for your kid and go with that, they’re all individuals.

awec

tempnam wrote: »

Another neighbour asked "Is he sleeping through the night for ya?" - he was 3 days old at the time! When people give their wisdom about not allowing kids to sleep in your bed and look horrified when we say that we let them in beside us, I sometimes say "it's only a couple of years that they're young. It's not liked they'll want to sleep in with us when they're teenagers" etc. - that either shuts them up as they know I'm right, or else it horrifies them!

But it's not as if we're inflicting our methods on anyone outside our house/ family - so why do others care so much?!

The "what about the sleep?" question is just the standard question anyone asks new parents because they can't think of anything else to ask.

Conservatory

Some people are just stuck for things to say and shoot the breeze with baby small talk they probably couldn’t care what you do with your baby.

I will say though I would never babysit a baby that gets constantly held ever again. I’m a father of 4 and myself and the wife got stuck with a baby who’s mother never put her down and the few hours felt like months. We have never taken the baby again.

fits

Conservatory wrote: »

I will say though I would never babysit a baby that gets constantly held ever again. I’m a father of 4 and myself and the wife got stuck with a baby who’s mother never put her down and the few hours felt like months. We have never taken the baby again.

It’s probably that baby’s personality as much as anything else. Some are just more needy than others. And need to be held more.

Conservatory

fits wrote: »

It’s probably that baby’s personality as much as anything else. Some are just more needy than others. And need to be held more.

Yeah usually the ones that always got held

bee06

Conservatory wrote: »

Yeah usually the ones that always got held

My baby cried when I put him down for the first 3 months so I held him all the time. Now he’s 6 months and he’s squirming to get out of my arms most of the time. Holding babies doesn’t make them needy.

Cakerbaker

My favorite question about a young baby, like a few weeks old young, that I was asked many times.... “is he good”. Ammm, yes, he’s great, he’s a tiny baby doing the things tiny babies need to do. If you mean is he sleeping through the night at 3 weeks then no, he’s obviously not “good” even though that’s not what 3 week old breast fed babies are supposed to do!!! Rant over!!!

Conservatory

bee06 wrote: »

My baby cried when I put him down for the first 3 months so I held him all the time. Now he’s 6 months and he’s squirming to get out of my arms most of the time. Holding babies doesn’t make them needy.

I just left them cry. After a night they were grand. Whatever you are into though. I’m not judging or telling you what to do.
If it worked it worked.

jlm29

Cakerbaker wrote: »

My favorite question about a young baby, like a few weeks old young, that I was asked many times.... “is he good”. Ammm, yes, he’s great, he’s a tiny baby doing the things tiny babies need to do. If you mean is he sleeping through the night at 3 weeks then no, he’s obviously not “good” even though that’s not what 3 week old breast fed babies are supposed to do!!! Rant over!!!

“No, he’s awful, wish I could give him back”. Or maybe “gosh no, he’s like that kid off “we need to talk about Kevin”. Lol. People ask the silliest things

catrionanic

I hate the unsolicited advice, but I also hate it when mums lie and say the baby is a great sleeper when he isn't. As a new mum, I was driven demented by a year of very little sleep. And to hear of suchandsuch down the road whose baby sleeps through at 4 months old used to make me feel worse. If people didn't lie about it and were just upfront and educated those idiots that babies don't sleep through until they're older, I think it would be better.

One eyed Jack

catrionanic wrote: »

I hate the unsolicited advice, but I also hate it when mums lie and say the baby is a great sleeper when he isn't. As a new mum, I was driven demented by a year of very little sleep. And to hear of suchandsuch down the road whose baby sleeps through at 4 months old used to make me feel worse. If people didn't lie about it and were just upfront and educated those idiots that babies don't sleep through until they're older, I think it would be better.

They may not be lying about their baby being what they might consider a great sleeper. In the same way, I could have a different understanding of the term 'sleep through' than you do when I say that I don't remember my child ever having any trouble sleeping. It depends on a number of different factors, and I'm not an ill-educated idiot just because I haven't shared your experience -

Baby sleep patterns: an evidence based guide


Honestly I don't mind people giving well-meaning advice at all, there's been plenty given and plenty I've learned from other people's experiences (even this forum is a great resource), but it's fairly easy to distinguish between someone trying to offer advice with the best of intentions, and someone clearly who's more interested in passing judgement on parents while feigning interest in the child or children's welfare.

lawred2

tempnam wrote: »

We recently had our third child. While chatting to one of our neighbours the other day the neighbour told my wife that she shouldn't hold the baby all the time and that she "shouldn't get him into that habit".

This lady has her own family, with her youngest now into his 20's.... and I know she meant well; so we just politely moved the conversation along.

Now, we're confident enough and comfortable enough with our parenting to do things as we see fit and to ignore any unwanted advice, but it got me thinking about all the times over the past few years where people have taken it upon themselves to tell you how you should be doing something.

Where does this come from? Why would someone think it alright to tell you how to raise your kids. I'd never dream of telling someone how to be a parent. I know we all have our own ways, and that my wife and I might completely disagree with some of the things other parents do - but we keep our mouths shut as we know people don't want unsolicited advice.

The best ones are the "you let them sleep in your bed?!?!" reactions of disbelief, and the "holding them spoils them" type nuggets of 'advice'. I won't even get into the whole breastfeeding thing!

The funny thing is that the people offering this 'advice' tend to feel very strongly about what they're telling you, and they take it as an insult if you don't agree with them. But it's stuff that in no way affects them! They're not raising my kids, my wife and I are.

What is it about having children that lets people believe they can start dishing out advice to others?!

somebody's trying to be helpful - that's all

lawred2

catrionanic wrote: »

I hate the unsolicited advice, but I also hate it when mums lie and say the baby is a great sleeper when he isn't. As a new mum, I was driven demented by a year of very little sleep. And to hear of suchandsuch down the road whose baby sleeps through at 4 months old used to make me feel worse. If people didn't lie about it and were just upfront and educated those idiots that babies don't sleep through until they're older, I think it would be better.

I've three kids under 5 - every single one of them has had different sleep patterns..

Our first was a nightmare - awake every hour - he's still ridiculous where sleep is concerned. First to wake in the house every day.

Our 6 week old currently wakes just once during the night

Just because something doesn't tally with your experience doesn't mean that the person saying it is lying to you.

catrionanic

lawred2 wrote: »

I've three kids under 5 - every single one of them has had different sleep patterns..

Our first was a nightmare - awake every hour - he's still ridiculous where sleep is concerned. First to wake in the house every day.

Our 6 week old currently wakes just once during the night

Just because something doesn't tally with your experience doesn't mean that the person saying it is lying to you.

Just to clarify, when I said about educating idiots, I meant the ones in the super market telling you not to pick up your baby, that babies should be sleeping 12 hours straight at 3 weeks old, to feed a 6week old baby rice, etc.

I'm fully aware that different babies have different sleep patterns. My post was referring to a few comments earlier in the thread where people admitted to lying about their baby sleeping through to avoid unsolicited advice. It's great that it stopped the "advice" coming, but when the person you said it to goes and tells another new mum that your baby is sleeping for 8 hours straight, while the other mum's baby won't stretch beyond 2 hours, it's can be very tough for the new mum and set unrealistic expectations.

lawred2

catrionanic wrote: »

Just to clarify, when I said about educating idiots, I meant the ones in the super market telling you not to pick up your baby, that babies should be sleeping 12 hours straight at 3 weeks old, to feed a 6week old baby rice, etc.

I'm fully aware that different babies have different sleep patterns. My post was referring to a few comments earlier in the thread where people admitted to lying about their baby sleeping through to avoid unsolicited advice. It's great that it stopped the "advice" coming, but when the person you said it to goes and tells another new mum that your baby is sleeping for 8 hours straight, while the other mum's baby won't stretch beyond 2 hours, it's can be very tough for the new mum and set unrealistic expectations.

fair points

One eyed Jack

lawred2 wrote: »

fair points

I don't think they're fair points at all tbh. I think it's unreasonable to expect that other parents should care for someone else making comparisons between other parents and their children.

To be perfectly honest I find this thread bizarre and cannot relate at all to parents being so precious about their own capabilities as parents that people whether it be simply passing judgement on them, or giving unsolicited advice, or even just trying to be helpful, would actually irk people to the levels being demonstrated in this thread.

splinter65

Cakerbaker wrote: »

My favorite question about a young baby, like a few weeks old young, that I was asked many times.... “is he good”. Ammm, yes, he’s great, he’s a tiny baby doing the things tiny babies need to do. If you mean is he sleeping through the night at 3 weeks then no, he’s obviously not “good” even though that’s not what 3 week old breast fed babies are supposed to do!!! Rant over!!!

That “is he good?” is a hangover from the days when 8+ kids to every mother was the norm.
So if you had that many then some hardly ever cried, didn’t need much winding, slept 18+ hours per day. A”good” baby.
The baby you had 16 months before hand never stopped crying never slept and never gave you a minutes peace when you wanted to go down to the milking parlour. That child was “wretched”.
They all got reared.

farmchoice

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I don't think they're fair points at all tbh. I think it's unreasonable to expect that other parents should care for someone else making comparisons between other parents and their children.

To be perfectly honest I find this thread bizarre and cannot relate at all to parents being so precious about their own capabilities as parents that people whether it be simply passing judgement on them, or giving unsolicited advice, or even just trying to be helpful, would actually irk people to the levels being demonstrated in this thread.

indeed, there are a lot of very self obsessed/self involved people here, i get the impression its no so much baby advice they struggle with as interacting in a normal way with other people in society.


ill give the first time parents a pass here because we were all new parents once and looking back i think we can all agree it turns the vast majority of people into self involved obsessive dickheads who think no one else was ever a parent before them.


what really surprised me about this thread was that the OP has 3 kids!!!! you would think by now they would be just glad anyone wanted to talk to them about their children.


by the time most people have 3 its hard to get anyone to come near you or your fabulous brood let alone engage in conversation about them.
i include close family and friends in this.