People offering advice on new baby

chocfan

catrionanic wrote: »

I hate the unsolicited advice, but I also hate it when mums lie and say the baby is a great sleeper when he isn't. As a new mum, I was driven demented by a year of very little sleep. And to hear of suchandsuch down the road whose baby sleeps through at 4 months old used to make me feel worse. If people didn't lie about it and were just upfront and educated those idiots that babies don't sleep through until they're older, I think it would be better.

I see the general point you're making but I think it's a bit much to say that people might be lying. Also, people are not idiots if they have experience of babies sleeping through the night at that age.

Sure, some might be exaggerating but not all. It caught my eye because I actually have a 4 month old (as of today!), he's exclusively breastfed and sleeps through from 10pm-8am. I am totally aware how lucky I am and we haven't done anything like sleep training etc etc, he has just decided that's his pattern. His sister did the same and frankly it used to p*ss me off when people told me to my face that it was impossible and said we must be letting them cry themselves to sleep at night or that we were basically lying.

We're too afraid to contemplate a third in case fate decides to give us a non-sleeper. Thanking our lucky stars here!

PS-in case anybody thinks we're too smug, he spews up like ALL the time and goes through about 6 changes of clothes a day! They all have their little ways

bee06

chocfan wrote: »

I see the general point you're making but I think it's a bit much to say that people might be lying. Also, people are not idiots if they have experience of babies sleeping through the night at that age.

Sure, some might be exaggerating but not all. It caught my eye because I actually have a 4 month old (as of today!), he's exclusively breastfed and sleeps through from 10pm-8am. I am totally aware how lucky I am and we haven't done anything like sleep training etc etc, he has just decided that's his pattern. His sister did the same and frankly it used to p*ss me off when people told me to my face that it was impossible and said we must be letting them cry themselves to sleep at night or that we were basically lying.

We're too afraid to contemplate a third in case fate decides to give us a non-sleeper. Thanking our lucky stars here!

PS-in case anybody thinks we're too smug, he spews up like ALL the time and goes through about 6 changes of clothes a day! They all have their little ways

Well, I’ll be honest, I have totally lied to strangers and said my boy sleeps great when in fact he may have woke every 2 hours the night before. I’m not going to get into a discussion about normal baby sleeping etc with some random old woman in the frozen food aisle.

Edited to add: Caitrionanic, that being said I do understand what you are saying. I’m always honest with other mothers who might be going through the same thing to open up the conversation. I also think that’s why a support network of other moms is so important, whether it’s on boards, Facebook, Cuidiu etc so we know we’re not alone.

chocfan

bee06 wrote: »

Well, I’ll be honest, I have totally lied to strangers and said my boy sleeps great when in fact he may have woke every 2 hours the night before. I’m not going to get into a discussion about normal baby sleeping etc with some random old woman in the frozen food aisle.

Absolutely! I wasn't suggesting for a second that there's any harm in a white lie to shut people up!

I think tbh I more took umbrage with the comment about people being idiots if they thought babies slept through the night at a young age like 4 months. Pretty sure I'm not an idiot

bee06

chocfan wrote: »

Absolutely! I wasn't suggesting for a second that there's any harm in a white lie to shut people up!

I think tbh I more took umbrage with the comment about people being idiots if they thought babies slept through the night at a young age like 4 months. Pretty sure I'm not an idiot

I do consider you to be very lucky with the sleep though! I’m very envious

chocfan

Yes but I need it in order to have time to put on the multiple loads of washing a day that we need to get through here My husband is thinking we should take out shares in laundry detergent, I shall look into it!

Big Bag of Chips

My babies all slept through the night by 4 months! I'm not lying. From 10-12 weeks we were definitely getting 8-10 hours out of them. By 4 months even longer! After that the only time they ever woke was when they weren't well for whatever reason.

People will always offer opinion. And will usually always be cliches. Just nod and smile and they move on. You can be absolutely certain that they've forgotten you and you baby as soon as they've walked away. So you should do likewise with them!

bee06

chocfan wrote: »

Yes but I need it in order to have time to put on the multiple loads of washing a day that we need to get through here My husband is thinking we should take out shares in laundry detergent, I shall look into it!

At least you have good drying at the moment!

Rubberchikken

Some advice is good and worth listening to but some is well meant but not acceptable. That goes for every thing in life.
If you dont agree with it then ignore it. Not difficult.

Cash_Q

First baby due in October and my head is melted with all the unsolicited advice already. Two good friends had babies 6 and 7 months ago and now that I'm pregnant they will only talk about everything I should do/buy/avoid including how I should plan the birth. I try in vain to change the topic and in the end I just agree with them to avoid an argument but it really pi$$es me off. I have another 6 friends who had babies in the past year and they don't bleet this stuff at me so I don't know why those two do. I know people mean well but it's as if we become public property the moment we announce our pregnancies. Also it's mostly all the dreaded stuff and how hard it is...thanks, I'm not going into this with rose tinted glasses but don't put me off the whole idea before the baby is even born.

sillysocks

chocfan wrote: »

We're too afraid to contemplate a third in case fate decides to give us a non-sleeper. Thanking our lucky stars here!

Off topic but we were the same with our first two-great sleepers from 8/10 weeks and never regressed. Now the third is one and a half and still doesn’t sleep well! Painful!!

chocfan

sillysocks wrote: »

Off topic but we were the same with our first two-great sleepers from 8/10 weeks and never regressed. Now the third is one and a half and still doesn’t sleep well! Painful!!

Yeah...our youngest is only 4 months so we haven't fully thought about the third yet but you're not selling it

Cash_Q

I have a first class honours degree in Montessori education 0-12 years, and would never dream of passing comment on the gizmos and gadgets and overwhelming stimulus offered by my friends to their babies - because it's none of my business, but I know those same two friends will want to pass on all that noisy crap and will heavily criticise the materials I provide my child. Just have to get used to it but it doesn't make it any less annoying!

Big Bag of Chips

Are they first time mothers by any chance? (some) Non-parents and (some) first time mothers seem to be the biggest experts. By the time you have 3 or 4 in your brood you tend to live and let live, as you learn that children and parents are all different, and everyone does what works for them.

Cash_Q

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

Are they first time mothers by any chance?

Yes they are but so are most of the other friends I have who've has babies in the past year. Both these friends gave LOTS of nieces and nephews so should know better than to be dictating to me but maybe that's all they heard from their siblings and are just doing the same..

eviltwin

I always take advice in the way it's intended so if it's said to be helpful and supportive I will take it graciously, if it's intended to judge or condemn then it's another story.

I do think most advice is coming from a place of kindness and empathy, we all know how hard parenting is.

The thing that does grind my gears is new parents acting like they know it all when it comes to dealing with toddlers, tweens and teens. Again I just nod and think they have it all ahead of them so leave them at it.

shesty

Ditto, some first time parents can be the worst offenders.I mostly kept my mouth shut after my first came because honestly she was nothing like anyone else's baby (and I don't mean that in an adoring way!!....she hated carseats in the car or attached to the buggy, wouldnt lie in a pram, had reflux, was desperately alert so we had to basically clock watch and put her down for naps because there was no yawning or eye rubbing or anything, wouldn't be transferred asleep from car to house and only napped for forty mins at a time)....so I couldn't say much anyway!!A bit of me smiles secretly when I hear first time parents extolling the virtues of Gina Ford routines and the like, and I can't help thinking I hope it holds fine for them....
Cash_Q, grin, ignore and do it your way.Find excuses not to take their crap and if they insist,put it in storage, or send it to charity.
To the OP, we had our third recently too, and I have to say the general reaction is more along the lines of sure you know exactly what you're doing (I wish!!).But some people just can't help themselves.Easiest to smile and ignore.

tempnam

shesty wrote: »

Ditto, some first time parents can be the worst offenders.I mostly kept my mouth shut after my first came because honestly she was nothing like anyone else's baby (and I don't mean that in an adoring way!!....she hated carseats in the car or attached to the buggy, wouldnt lie in a pram, had reflux, was desperately alert so we had to basically clock watch and put her down for naps because there was no yawning or eye rubbing or anything, wouldn't be transferred asleep from car to house and only napped for forty mins at a time)....so I couldn't say much anyway!!A bit of me smiles secretly when I hear first time parents extolling the virtues of Gina Ford routines and the like, and I can't help thinking I hope it holds fine for them....
Cash_Q, grin, ignore and do it your way.Find excuses not to take their crap and if they insist,put it in storage, or send it to charity.
To the OP, we had our third recently too, and I have to say the general reaction is more along the lines of sure you know exactly what you're doing (I wish!!).But some people just can't help themselves.Easiest to smile and ignore.

That sounds just like our first! Our second was a little easier (but not much) and the newest addition (although only a week old at this stage) seems 100 times more relaxed..... he's sleeping more, is happy once fed, etc. etc. - to the point where we're now wondering if there's something wrong since he's not feeding for 2 hours at a time and sleeping for 40 mins between feeds - like the first!

We've also realised that other people who had their first child as easy to manage as our third, must have thought we were mad when we would talk about our first (not sleeping, feeding so much, hating the car etc.)

They're all different. Even as babies

Cakerbaker

Cakerbaker wrote: »

My favorite question about a young baby, like a few weeks old young, that I was asked many times.... “is he good”. Ammm, yes, he’s great, he’s a tiny baby doing the things tiny babies need to do. If you mean is he sleeping through the night at 3 weeks then no, he’s obviously not “good” even though that’s not what 3 week old breast fed babies are supposed to do!!! Rant over!!!

I don't understand the annoyance over this. Most people are curious and also just want to make conversation and show an interest in the child. There's nothing wrong with that. Any time I had my friends kids with me when they were babies I was asked all sorts of questions, strangers would see this tiny baby and oooh and ahh over her. Sure what harm?

Sleeper12

tempnam wrote:

The best ones are the "you let them sleep in your bed?!?!" reactions of disbelief, and the "holding them spoils them" type nuggets of 'advice'. I won't even get into the whole breastfeeding thing!

Ah kids in parents bed is no harm. Sure they'll grow out of it when they are ready! Nonsense. This is why we have a snowflake generation.

The breastfeeding is a good thing but for babies. It shouldn't go on for years with each child

Anne_cordelia

Sleeper12 wrote: »

The breastfeeding is a good thing but for babies. It shouldn't go on for years with each child

Wow thank you for your insight. You should definitely bring your research and peer reviewed studies to this organisation called the World Health Organisation. They are clearly misinformed as that’s exactly what they advocate - breastfeeding to age 2 and beyond.

bee06

Sleeper12 wrote: »

Ah kids in parents bed is no harm. Sure they'll grow out of it when they are ready! Nonsense. This is why we have a snowflake generation.

The breastfeeding is a good thing but for babies. It shouldn't go on for years with each child

The irony!

J.pilkington

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I don't think they're fair points at all tbh. I think it's unreasonable to expect that other parents should care for someone else making comparisons between other parents and their children.

To be perfectly honest I find this thread bizarre and cannot relate at all to parents being so precious about their own capabilities as parents that people whether it be simply passing judgement on them, or giving unsolicited advice, or even just trying to be helpful, would actually irk people to the levels being demonstrated in this thread.

And the funny thing is the posters hear giving out about advice are either likely doing the same unknown to themselves or will do in the future.

Most advice is well meaning / making conversation. It’s human nature across the board to share experiences and talk about something you have gone through yourself. Would ye prefer the shop assistant / neighbour who are probably excited at the sight of a baby didn’t talk at all? Then ye will probably post that Ireland is a cold nation.

New parents can take it personally / offence because of a lack of sleep or because everything is not going to plan, or maybe because they have heard the same thing / different version 10 times that day. Lighten up.

Sleeper12

Anne_cordelia wrote:

Wow thank you for your insight. You should definitely bring your research and peer reviewed studies to this organisation called the World Health Organisation. They are clearly misinformed as that’s exactly what they advocate - breastfeeding to age 2 and beyond.

I've seen 4 year olds and older being breast fed. This is not healthy for the child and plays havoc when the child is in childcare.

catrionanic

Sleeper12 wrote: »

I've seen 4 year olds and older being breast fed. This is not healthy for the child and plays havoc when the child is in childcare.

Oh really? Perhaps you could cite some research showing the detrimental effects on a breastfed child's health?

shesty

Sleeper12 wrote: »

Ah kids in parents bed is no harm. Sure they'll grow out of it when they are ready! Nonsense. This is why we have a snowflake generation.

The breastfeeding is a good thing but for babies. It shouldn't go on for years with each child

Whereas my reaction is no way would kids be in our bed, everyone sleeps in their own bed in our house.

But then I don't have to live with what you do, and as a parent, you make your own bed and have to lie in it (excuse the pun)

As for the breastfeeding thing, that is 100% the choice of the individual, and it's not for anyone else to comment on, since it doesn't affect anyone else.Much like the bed situation.

shesty

tempnam wrote: »

That sounds just like our first! Our second was a little easier (but not much) and the newest addition (although only a week old at this stage) seems 100 times more relaxed..... he's sleeping more, is happy once fed, etc. etc. - to the point where we're now wondering if there's something wrong since he's not feeding for 2 hours at a time and sleeping for 40 mins between feeds - like the first!

We've also realised that other people who had their first child as easy to manage as our third, must have thought we were mad when we would talk about our first (not sleeping, feeding so much, hating the car etc.)

They're all different. Even as babies

I think when you have a baby like that as your first it hammers home that they are all different!!!Three babies on, you mostly know better than to offer loads of advice!

Our third slept the first 12 days of his life, and ate every two hours.Totally unlike the 2nd who would stretch to four hours between feeds and whose sleep was a bit hit and miss....nevr mind the first!I was worried too!!He's 8 weeks now and coming to life (!!) but he definitely isn't the same as the other two either :-) It's funny how you worry about them no matter what!

Sleeper12

My daughter is a child care worker in a creche. They had a little boy there. Four years of age crying for booby. He was clingy and he would look for booby from the girls working there.

You c spot the ones that sleep in their parents bed a mile away in most cases.

I get that both parents have to work nowadays or both want to work. Nothing wrong with that. This brings a lot over compensating in some cases. They see it in school. Child care workers aren't allowed to tell the parents a lot of things. The parents that molly coddle their kids hurt their development particularly in mixing with other kids.

Edit : breast feeding four year old was eventually as to leave the creche.

catrionanic

Sleeper12 wrote: »

My daughter is a child care worker in a creche. They had a little boy there. Four years of age crying for booby. He was clingy and he would look for booby from the girls working there.

You c spot the ones that sleep in their parents bed a mile away in most cases.

I get that both parents have to work nowadays or both want to work. Nothing wrong with that. This brings a lot over compensating in some cases. They see it in school. Child care workers aren't allowed to tell the parents a lot of things. The parents that molly coddle their kids hurt their development particularly in mixing with other kids.

Edit : breast feeding four year old was eventually as to leave the creche.

So your opinion that breastfeeding children is bad for their health is based on one clingy kid your daughter knew?

Right. Moving on!

Sleeper12

catrionanic wrote: »

So your opinion that breastfeeding children is bad for their health is based on one clingy kid your daughter knew?

Right. Moving on!

No. You asked for an example. You don't get too many over two being breast fed BUT everyone of the ones still at it at four are different. They stand out (not in a good way).



Breast milk is very good for a child. A parent that wont let their child grow up is very bad for a child.

catrionanic

Sleeper12 wrote: »

No. You asked for an example. You don't get too many over two being breast fed BUT everyone of the ones still at it at four are different. They stand out (not in a good way).



Breast milk is very good for a child. A parent that wont let their child grow up is very bad for a child.

If you re-read my post, you'll see I asked for research, ie. evidence to support your claim from sources that actually do know what they're talking about. I'm talking scientific studies and journals, not what somebody's daughter who works in a creche reckons.

If you want to talk about your opinion on parents who won't let their kids grow up in general, fine, we can talk about that in general terms. But claiming that breastfeeding is bad for a child is a whole other issue and you can't just make statements like that without properly backing it up.