Husband had an emotional affair

Heartbrokenlol

I found out for sure last night. I knew though. You always know. We were on holidays a few weeks ago and he was showing me something on his phone and a Whatsapp message popped up from her. He went red. Said she was a friend from work. The message was innocent enough but my gut went into overdrive. I knew something wasn't right.
That next morning I got really upset, I looked into his eyes in tears, I asked him to give me the respect of telling me if something was wrong. He held me and insisted it wasn't.
The next night he was in the hotel bar, I came down and he was texting. He didn't see me and add I walked up I could see he was texting her. He closed the phone. I asked who was he texting. No-one. I went to bed and be came up, be was drunk, he said fine, I was texting 'Mary'. We're friends. He then said he feels like he can't have female friends.
At this point I'll admit, I do have insecurities. I'm in counselling at the minute for them. It's early days but I'm trying.
Cue a week later, things aren't right. We're not okay. He says be can't do this any longer, maybe be separate, I don't make him feel attractive..I'm 36, he's 42.
Anyway we're talking and arguing and last night he came in from work and said I've a few things to say to you. Tells me be has known her since January. They actually knew each other about 20 years ago and they re met when she joined his workplace. They talk. He has a grown daughter he has been having problems with and he said they talked about that. She had kids, she understands. I don't. I'm not maternal. She's 49, divorced, her husband was abusive. They text, they sit in her car and talk and laugh. He's attracted to her. She reminds him of his past he said, she's fun, maybe more attractive than me he says, but different.
He told her I saw the text on holidays and thought something was up. She said that's crazy apparently.
So now here I am. Devastated. Exhausted. Humiliated. Hurt. Angry. Sad. We've only been married two years. We have had some issues but I didn't think it was this bad.
Infidelity has always been my deal breaker. I never thought he'd do it. I do believe him, in my gut, when he says nothing physical happened, even though he may have wanted it to.
He says he won't stop his friendship with her. Has agreed to come to counselling but says what good will it do, he doesn't see me getting over my insecurities. He's talking about selling the house and solicitors. Then the next minute he will cry and say sorry and hug me and squeeze me.
I've confided in two close friends. I feel so alone though. I feel terrified. All my hopes and dreams for our future gone. Our lovely home. Gone.
The thought of starting over again at 36 terrifies me. I waited so long to meet someone and now this happens.
I have a lot going for me, I'm a nice person, I've a good job, people tell me I'm attractive (this is where my insecurities lie) etc but why do I feel panic.
I love him and want to work on this. I don't think he does.

Big Bag of Chips

For a start it is not your job to make him feel attractive. That is classic behaviour of someone caught doing something they shouldn't. He is turning it around to make it your fault. No wonder you are in counselling for insecurities. Talking of separating, selling the house, her being more attractive than you can't really be doing anything to make you feel secure.

Look, lots of marriages go through a stale spell. Lots of marriages fall into a routine of taking each other for granted. And unfortunately lots of people in marriages can have their heads turned and think the grass is greener.

You need to ask him, seriously, if he wants to save your marriage and lay out for him exactly what that means. It means giving your marriage more attention than he is giving her. I don't see how he expects you to be ok with him telling you all these things, and then telling you he's not going to stop seeing her.

It might be only 'friends' at the minute, but it is a very very fine line for it to cross over to something physical.

Whatever happens you will be ok. 36 is young! Very young. Decide what YOU want, and then lay it out for him. You have the right to say what you expect. Then he can decide if it's what he wants and if he's willing to work towards it with you.

If he's not, then you don't have to be at his whims. You can take control rather than waiting for him to decide. It'll be difficult, but it will do a lot for your own self esteem. I don't envy your position. Even the most confident, self assured person would be insecure in the same circumstances.

Heartbrokenlol

Thank you for your reply. I did say to him does he want to work on our marriage or not and he says he honestly doesn't know.
He has agreed to couples counselling like I said. Maybe we can work through it better in there.
I feel like he's saying see, all your insecurities about me and other women, look what you pushed me to do.
I've wanted to message her and say whatever this is, he's my husband, does that mean nothing to you. He made a commitment to me. How pathetic would that be.
I feel so sad, I can't believe I'm here. I just can't. I can't face work or normal life right now but I'm forcing myself to get on with it.

LegacyUser

Heartbrokenlol...
I'm heartbroken for you.
Please don't fall apart over this.
This is a tough time. I've been there.

Firstly...you have to decide if you want to save this marriage.
If you do...then fight for it.
Tell your husband exactly how you feel.
There's no point in going to couples counselling if you're both not fully committed.
Counselling could be the kick in the a**e he needs to wake him up.

It's good that you've confided in close friends. Getting this off your chest is a huge relief and it always helps to be able to talk.

Secondly....you are young. 36 is the new 21!!
Believe me.

There's really no point in making contact with the other woman
What would that achieve?
She'll more than likely just ignore you.

Everything Big Bag of Chips said above is true.
You need to make decisions...and make them soon.

You have the support of all the members here...they helped me through my problem, and it was a tremendous help to understand that there were others who had suffered the same angst as me.
Concentrate on the positives - that's all I can say for now.

Stick with it....Please take care of yourself.
We're all here for you.

Heartbrokenlol

WhereIsTheLoveGone thank you for your reply. I'm usually quite a private person but talking about it has helped dramatically. It breaks away the darkness.
We have our first counselling session tomorrow. Will see how it goes. I don't know if it's tiredness and all combined but I feel his heart is not really in making this work. Time will tell very quickly.
I think that will hurt more, not only has he disrespected me with another woman but then I wouldn't be worth fighting for.
I still love him I do. Despite everything.

nikkibikki

I second everything the previous 2 posters said

One thing that struck me, it's seems like he wants you to break up with him.

Him saying you don't make him feel attractive, how can you when you have your own confidence issues which he is clearly not helping with. And if he truly felt like that, the mature thing to do is talk about it. To you, not the first woman who turns his head!

And 36 is young!

LegacyUser

Hang on, he told you he maybe finds her more attractive!? What an ars*hole that is not anything a decent man says to his wife.

Remember also liars will only admit to what they’ve already been caught out in, in your case the texts. There could well be more to it. If he is as another poster suggested pushing you to end it it would be the easy way out for him.

rainbowtrout

Why would he mention that she is more attractive than you (a horrible thing to say anyway) if he only wants to be friends with her?

OP, decide what you want from this. He's being quite manipulative really, saying that you'll have to split up and sell the house and essentially saying it's all your fault that you don't trust him, when he is not to be trusted. He's the one saying that he will continue seeing this woman rather than work on your marriage.

Heartbrokenlol

You're all right. I just don't know what to do. I genuinely don't. I'm not a weak person, in fact, I'm quite strong but I have my insecurities...
We have a counselling session in the morning, will see what happens. I think he wants out though and this is his way of doing it. What a horrible way to treat someone.

Big Bag of Chips

Keep an open mind until you've been to counselling. The counsellor will have experience of this. Unfortunately, this is not a unique situation you find yourself in. Maybe he wants out. Maybe he's just being a tool who needs to have it pointed out what he is doing, and risking.

Of course you still love him. That's not going to just disappear. Take each day at a time. It is the most devastating thing to go through, but whatever happens you will be ok. You will come through this, and you will be ok.

dudara

Stay strong OP.

One thing that I have observed over the years is that the guilty party (in this case your husband) is rarely 100% honest at the start. They tend to tell the most positivity story they can and the full truth comes out later in the wash. They shift the blame to other parties, they only had a kiss, then they only shared a bed, then...

Go to the counseling, but think for yourself. This issue won’t be resolved until your husband commits 100% (if ever)

rainbowtrout

dudara wrote: »

One thing that I have observed over the years is that the guilty party (in this case your husband) is rarely 100% honest at the start. They tend to tell the most positivity story they can and the full truth comes out later in the wash. They shift the blame to other parties, they only had a kiss, then they only shared a bed, then...

Very true. First she was a friend, then it was Mary, then it's a friend he can talk to, then it's a friend he shares problems with, then it's someone he texts, then it's someone he can have a laugh with, then it's someone he finds attractive, more attractive than his wife, then it's someone he's not willing to give up the friendship with for the sake of his marriage....... Where does it stop, and how much has he still not revealed?

Finchie1276

Every relationship will have its stuff, patterns that don't work, behaviours out of kilter etc. Its easy to get emotional quickly (thats OK). BUT - when it comes to fixing it you have to hang in there. Its easy to walk away - I nearly did (I'm a guy) tons of times. But the glue that holds stuff together is made from experiences like this. I'm not advocating hanging in and being treated like crap but I am advocating being a bit cooler emotionally and making it easier to have a conversation about this. OK, so he told you all about their relationship, he feels some shame for being discovered - he is allowed talk to other women but he feels he cant. THere is lots to explore here that might make things better than ever but that requires both of you to commit.

LegacyUser

So sorry to hear about what you're going through, OP. Your husband has said some horrible things to you. The thing that stuck out the most for me is that he is not willing to end this "friendship" for the sake of your marriage. If I were in your shoes that would be the thing that would have me walk away from the marriage. It is so disgustingly disrespectful! And it shows so clearly how much more he values this woman and her feelings over you, his wife.

Try counselling - but don't be afraid to prioritise yourself in all this, he certainly isn't.

Heartbrokenlol

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I'm feeling much stronger as the days go on, I have my moments but I don't dwell on them.
We had our first counselling session and it went well for the first time. We are both ready to talk and be open and honest. The issue with him still wanting to be friends with her is no longer an issue. However there is one thing still niggling at me, she works there. It's not like he can just quit his job.
I've most definitely been putting time into myself and spending time with my wonderful friends and family and my dog or as I call him my guardian angel.
I'm still hurting and I don't know what the future holds.

Big Bag of Chips

Working with her might be fine, if he realises he needs to back off from the cosy chats with her. She should be treated the same way he treats his other colleagues. I know the fact that she is still around will have you up the walls with paranoia (understandably) and if he is serious about making your marriage works, it is something he needs to make allowances for.

He is the one who has to prove something here. The onus is on him to make you feel like you have nothing to worry about. The onus is on both of you to give your marriage the attention it has been lacking. Hopefully, it will continue in the right direction.

Heartbrokenlol

Hi everyone,
So it has been a few weeks since I've posted and it has been a really tough few weeks. I'm drained. We are at couple's counselling and I'm actually in my own personal counselling as well.
He goes between wanting to work on it to saying he doesn't know what he wants. He says he feels changed by me and that I always get what I want. I find this unfair, I've always consulted him or tried to talk everything through.

When he gets upset etc his tongue is vicious, he got very wound up the other day and said I hope your dog dies, he knew that would hurt.

I also found out that a few days after our first counselling session he rang this other woman and they talked about it. This was a huge betrayal and a turning point for me.

I'm seeing that, yes I have insecurities about his friendships with other women and I am working on this with my therapist. I need to get help with that no matter what, no excuses. I can see how he felt smothered by it.

I thought I was getting stronger but had a really bad night last night, cried for hours. I feel so, so lonely it's all consuming. How did I end up like this? A man that was my best friend is now like a stranger. He said he doesn't know what he wants, he's not happy, he should want me and our life but he's not happy.

How much longer before I've completely compromised myself by trying with a man who isn't sure if he wants me or not. I'm his wife. I never thought we'd be here.

TheBoyConor

I think the marriage has run its course. Sometimes it is just as simple as that.
At the end of the day the relationship is not making either of ye happy but is making you both miserable. Might be better just to call it a day.

Heartbrokenlol

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think the marriage has run its course. Sometimes it is just as simple as that.
At the end of the day the relationship is not making either of ye happy but is making you both miserable. Might be better just to call it a day.

I think you're right. I've just never felt pain or loneliness like this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

FurBabyMomma

This marriage cannot work if he refuses to take any portion of the blame, deflects everything back at you and continues to have contact with this woman outside of a normal working relationship. Has your counsellor given you advice on what you both need to work on, as so far it doesn't seem like he's willing to make any changes? And as for the comment about your dog, that's inexcusable. I don't know why he would go out of his way to be so nasty and hurtful to someone he's supposed to love. I really think there need to be some ground rules set and agreed upon, with the help of your counsellor, and if he doesn't make the effort then you have your answer I'm afraid.

Hannibal_Smith

He seems to say a lot that's hurtful. Then the next minute he's saying the absolute opposite. How your head ins't wrecked by that alone I will never know. Are you insecure with other people or just with him? If there is a constant flip in what you're hearing it's no wonder you'd be insecure about what to believe.

At the end of the day, if he spoke to her again, you're right that is a huge betrayal and you'd have to wonder going forward whether she will be his fall back if you do get passed all of this and move on.

Seems as though its started to get really vicious though. Is it worth it?

Heartbrokenlol

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

He seems to say a lot that's hurtful. Then the next minute he's saying the absolute opposite. How your head ins't wrecked by that alone I will never know. Are you insecure with other people or just with him? If there is a constant flip in what you're hearing it's no wonder you'd be insecure about what to believe.

At the end of the day, if he spoke to her again, you're right that is a huge betrayal and you'd have to wonder going forward whether she will be his fall back if you do get passed all of this and move on.

Seems as though its started to get really vicious though. Is it worth it?

My head is wrecked. No I'm not insecure with other people. I'd actually be seen as very strong and independent, which I am but when it comes to him, not so much.
Therapist is saying communication is a big issue, look at what you say but figure out what it is you really feel or want to say....when he gets upset or whatever he says hurtful stuff. No excuses.
I'm just sick of the indecisiveness from him. Despite everything I was willing to work on it. He keeps saying I won't forgive the thing with this other woman and I'll be asking has contacted her etc and he can't live like that.

LegacyUser

OP....
This is truly a heart-wrenching situation.
I don't want to sound harsh, but you really need to make a decision - and make it fast.
I'm not talking about whether or not to leave....I'm talking about how fast you leave.

I don't want to state the obvious, but if your husband can't see the issue, and discusses your marital problems and counselling sessions with the other woman, then, well, I think you know where his priorities lie.
I'm not even going to mention the comment about the dog.

Personally, I think this would be the last straw for me....and I've been there (I'm STILL in counselling with my partner, but we're both committed, and the results have been hugely positive)
What good is private counselling if one party is openly discussing it with a third party who was the cause of the problem in the first place.

It's so sad reading your entries here OP. I really hope you get through this, either with or without your husband.

I know it's tough to make a decision to cut someone out of your life, but what you really have to decide is whether your quality of life is improved or worsened by remaining in this marriage.
For what it's worth...
Give the counselling another couple of shots....if you're not seeing an immediate improvement in communication, affection and loyalty on your Husbands part, I think you know it's time to move on.
I'm truly sorry for you OP....either way, you're going to be a stronger person at the end of this episode.
Please take care of yourself

Hannibal_Smith

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

My head is wrecked. No I'm not insecure with other people. I'd actually be seen as very strong and independent, which I am but when it comes to him, not so much.
Therapist is saying communication is a big issue, look at what you say but figure out what it is you really feel or want to say....when he gets upset or whatever he says hurtful stuff. No excuses.
I'm just sick of the indecisiveness from him. Despite everything I was willing to work on it. He keeps saying I won't forgive the thing with this other woman and I'll be asking has contacted her etc and he can't live like that.

Sounds like he's trying to lay blame at your door if this all goes t*ts up. He called her days after your first counselling session. Where's his effort to show you that you should trust him? He's the one who broke your trust. It's not fair to saying something like that to you at all.

I always wonder when otherwise strong people become insecure in certain relationships. When a person keeps flipping what they're saying, how is that a strong foundation of someone you can trust? Obviously go with what your counsellor tells you, but sometimes insecurity in a relationship I think is something you need to listen to. If you were like that with everyone else, that would be different, in my opinion anyway

dellas1979

Sounds like he doesnt have the balls to end things, so he is going to push it on to you to make that decision. Will devoid him of responsibility of course.
Am afraid you are going to have to take the bulls by the horns, take some control, and start making some decisions, for yourself.
From what you say, you are putting a lot of effort into this. If this was myself, I would feel ive tried. I tried. So, Id walk away with no regrets.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I wanted to post here because I was that awful person who had an affair. Also with a work colleague. Mine started as emotional...went on like that for ages and then turned physical.

So I wanted to write to you to let you know what was going on for me when all of this happened and how myself and my husband fixed our marriage after it.

I can relate to everything you say your husband is doing. I was the exact same when in his shoes. There’s no excuse. It’s terrible.

He’s pushing blame onto you to validate his own behaviour, to rationalise it to himself, to make himself feel justified in how he behaves with her.

One thing I’ll say is DO NOT allow him to continue this ‘friendship’ with this woman. What he has is not a friendship. It’s a lot deeper. I tried to do this-to hold on to my friendship with the other man. Insisting it was platonic. Insisting to myself, my husband and the other man. But it always ended up back into affair-ville.

My husband was v patient with me. He stayed loving me, even though we effectively split over it all. I thought I had fallen out of love with my husband. I treated him so appallingly. It was unforgivable really but he did forgive me and to be honest, our marriage is better now than it ever was.

It took a long time for us to get to this point. The ONLY thing that worked was me cutting the other man out of my life completely. I thought I loved this other man but then I realised that he was just as appalling a person as me, that he was disrespectful to me as I was to him and that at the end of the day an affair is an affair and this is truly such a deceitful thing to do.

Myself and my husband went to counselling too. We also had a few sessions on our own. We used Accord. I behaved the way your husband has throughout the sessions. Lashing out verbally at my husband and blaming him for controlling me etc. He wasn’t, it was just my way of validating my behaviour to myself.

Don’t think of your marriage as dead just yet. It will be if he doesn’t cut contact with this woman. And I mean CUT. I blocked the other man on my phone, my whatsapp, FB, instagram Etc. And I moved jobs..taking a €10k hit in doing so.

For a long time I wanted to leave my husband and be with this guy who I thought was my soulmate and best friend.

I think when I look back on it all I was loopers at the time. Almost like an addict. I was addicted to the other man. I didn’t even think about the realistic effect of what was going to happen to my future or my husbands. I didn’t care. I behaved abominably.

OP, if your husband still wants contact with this woman in ANY shape or form, he’s saying he still wants an emotional affair with her. Whether or not he even thinks that himself. That’s what it is.

He’ll have to cut all contact. It’s beyond inappropriate. If he refuses to do this then he has chosen her over you. If you want to save your marriage then stick with the counselling and push him to make hard decisions. He can’t have you and her because in effect, that means he has you and a mistress of sorts.

It took me a LONG time to see sense. What I did to my husband I wouldn’t wish on anyone. All I’m saying is that sometimes bad stories have happy endings. Good luck OP.

TheBoyConor

Your husband was weak and a doormat to take you back after you cheating on him like that.

OP, this is not good advice. Don't be like this woman's husband and be a doormat for a cheating spouse.

LegacyUser

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Your husband was weak and a doormat to take you back after you cheating on him like that.

OP, this is not good advice. Don't be like this woman's husband and be a doormat for a cheating spouse.

You’re entitled to your opinion.
For what it’s worth myself and my husband are now better than ever, very much in love and we have a great life together.
It worked out well for us in the end thankfully.
My husband is certainly not a door mat. He’s the strongest person I know emotionally and mentally.

LegacyUser

I can see the point that The Boy Conor is making...and it's valid up to a point.
All Relationships are unique.
I accept that the advice I gave was to take a long hard look at the situation and make a decision based on the husbands actions. I stand by that.

I also think that the post by Gone Anon was genuine and thought provoking.
It's one of the most honest posts I;ve ever read in this forum...from an offending partner.

People stray for different reasons. Sometimes they just fall into a loop and look for excuses to justify their behaviour - ANY behaviour.
The fact that Gone Anon woke up and realised her mistake, proves that people can change, and that relationships can be rebuilt.
I agree with her that the OPs husband needs to walk away from his job and ANY contact with the other woman - otherwise their marriage is doomed.

I'd also like to add.....and I'm really sorry for having to say this (it's been alluded to earlier), but having re-read the OPs original and subsequent posts, I think this emotional affair has already moved to the next stage and become physical.
For a man to form an emotional affair it's usually AFTER the physicality...for a woman, it's generally the other way around - the Emotional part comes first.

Heartbrokenlol

Gone Anon_i had an affair wrote: »

Hi OP, I wanted to post here because I was that awful person who had an affair. Also with a work colleague. Mine started as emotional...went on like that for ages and then turned physical.

So I wanted to write to you to let you know what was going on for me when all of this happened and how myself and my husband fixed our marriage after it.

I can relate to everything you say your husband is doing. I was the exact same when in his shoes. There’s no excuse. It’s terrible.

He’s pushing blame onto you to validate his own behaviour, to rationalise it to himself, to make himself feel justified in how he behaves with her.

One thing I’ll say is DO NOT allow him to continue this ‘friendship’ with this woman. What he has is not a friendship. It’s a lot deeper. I tried to do this-to hold on to my friendship with the other man. Insisting it was platonic. Insisting to myself, my husband and the other man. But it always ended up back into affair-ville.

My husband was v patient with me. He stayed loving me, even though we effectively split over it all. I thought I had fallen out of love with my husband. I treated him so appallingly. It was unforgivable really but he did forgive me and to be honest, our marriage is better now than it ever was.

It took a long time for us to get to this point. The ONLY thing that worked was me cutting the other man out of my life completely. I thought I loved this other man but then I realised that he was just as appalling a person as me, that he was disrespectful to me as I was to him and that at the end of the day an affair is an affair and this is truly such a deceitful thing to do.

Myself and my husband went to counselling too. We also had a few sessions on our own. We used Accord. I behaved the way your husband has throughout the sessions. Lashing out verbally at my husband and blaming him for controlling me etc. He wasn’t, it was just my way of validating my behaviour to myself.

Don’t think of your marriage as dead just yet. It will be if he doesn’t cut contact with this woman. And I mean CUT. I blocked the other man on my phone, my whatsapp, FB, instagram Etc. And I moved jobs..taking a €10k hit in doing so.

For a long time I wanted to leave my husband and be with this guy who I thought was my soulmate and best friend.

I think when I look back on it all I was loopers at the time. Almost like an addict. I was addicted to the other man. I didn’t even think about the realistic effect of what was going to happen to my future or my husbands. I didn’t care. I behaved abominably.

OP, if your husband still wants contact with this woman in ANY shape or form, he’s saying he still wants an emotional affair with her. Whether or not he even thinks that himself. That’s what it is.

He’ll have to cut all contact. It’s beyond inappropriate. If he refuses to do this then he has chosen her over you. If you want to save your marriage then stick with the counselling and push him to make hard decisions. He can’t have you and her because in effect, that means he has you and a mistress of sorts.

It took me a LONG time to see sense. What I did to my husband I wouldn’t wish on anyone. All I’m saying is that sometimes bad stories have happy endings. Good luck OP.

Thank you for your reply. It's interesting to see it from another perspective.
I've made clear he can't be in contact etc...He agreed and says he hasn't but how do I trust that.

It's bothering me that he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, like how bloody dare he. Shouldn't the obvious choice be me, his marriage?? The fact that it's not speaks volumes.

We've been together 10 years, all this has happened in the space of three weeks. I feel so drained. I seem angry at him, he's being a coward. I deserve, and want, better, it's hard to walk away.

dudara

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Your husband was weak and a doormat to take you back after you cheating on him like that.

OP, this is not good advice. Don't be like this woman's husband and be a doormat for a cheating spouse.

It’s fine to say that when you’re young or have an inexperienced view of relationships. It’s a very one-dimensional view. But life can teach you differently. I think that was an excellent, honest post and it shows the many different complexities that long term relationships have to navigate.

OP - I’d urge you to read that post carefully. If your husband isn’t showing any evidence of cutting ties with this person, or is continuing to blame you, then he’s still involved in the affair. And while he’s involved in the affair, he wil never sincerely try to resolve your relationship.

It might be time for you to call his bluff. But if he doesn’t react, you’ll have to be prepared to walk away

Heartbrokenlol

dellas1979 wrote: »

Sounds like he doesnt have the balls to end things, so he is going to push it on to you to make that decision. Will devoid him of responsibility of course.
Am afraid you are going to have to take the bulls by the horns, take some control, and start making some decisions, for yourself.
From what you say, you are putting a lot of effort into this. If this was myself, I would feel ive tried. I tried. So, Id walk away with no regrets.

Yes I have no regrets up to this point and if things do end I will know that I gave 110%

I do need to take back control. It's just dragging on

Heartbrokenlol

dudara wrote: »

It’s fine to say that when you’re young or have an inexperienced view of relationships. It’s a very one-dimensional view. But life can teach you differently. I think that was an excellent, honest post and it shows the many different complexities that long term relationships have to navigate.

OP - I’d urge you to read that post carefully. If your husband isn’t showing any evidence of cutting ties with this person, or is continuing to blame you, then he’s still involved in the affair. And while he’s involved in the affair, he wil never sincerely try to resolve your relationship.

It might be time for you to call his bluff. But if he doesn’t react, you’ll have to be prepared to walk away

Yes you're right. How do I call his bluff? I can also say no contact with her but how will I know if that's true!

To be honest I am preparing myself to walk away. I can't continue like this forever

dudara

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Yes you're right. How do I call his bluff? I can also say no contact with her but how will I know if that's true!

To be honest I am preparing myself to walk away. I can't continue like this forever

At this stage, I would kick him out. Tell him that you’ve tried but you believe it’s over and that he should leave.

FurBabyMomma

I think Gone Anon gave an honest perspective and some excellent advice. Relationships are not straightforward and black and white, especially when you've been in one for such a long time. It goes to show that issues can be fixed if both parties are truly willing to work on them. However, if only one person is willing, that's when the battle is lost.

Heartbrokenlol

dudara wrote: »

At this stage, I would kick him out. Tell him that you’ve tried but you believe it’s over and that he should leave.

I did that. He got really upset and said that's bit what he wanted to hear, that usually I say everything will be okay.
I'm actually from a different county and I think I might just go home for a week or so, it will be no issue with work. We're just on top of one another and going in circles. Maybe it will help

Big Bag of Chips

Of course he doesn't want you ending the marriage, because that will bring with it all the messy stuff ending a marriage brings. Moving out, telling friends and family, having them find out that he's being a dick to you about this 'friendship', not having the security of you at home, loyal and patient waiting for him to get over his midlife crisis and make his decision.

He has basically told you, you've always made things ok, you've always been ok with everything, which is why he believes he's entitled to treat you how he is, and you'll be 'ok'. But you know, there comes a point where it's ok to say you've had enough. You've had enough of ignoring problems. You've had enough of putting your feelings aside in order to spare his. You've had enough of being kept on the sidelines of your own marriage, ready to be called in to tell him 'everything will be ok' when he gets upset and worried that he's fking it all up.

You keep saying that he says he doesn't know what he wants. You are facilitating and allowing this wishy-washy attitude by not telling him what you want. You tell him, he cuts all contact with her, which might mean changing jobs, and puts his energy into saving your marriage, or you will decide that what he is offering isn't enough for you and you will ask him to leave.

He is depending on you being dependable. And for as long as you're dependable, then he doesn't have to be accountable for anything, because you'll be 'ok' with everything. For now, he doesn't have to make any decision. Because for now everything is 'ok'. He's giving you just enough for you to think there's a chance, but he's not really putting any effort in at all.

You can't save a marriage alone.

LegacyUser

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. It's interesting to see it from another perspective.
I've made clear he can't be in contact etc...He agreed and says he hasn't but how do I trust that.

It's bothering me that he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, like how bloody dare he. Shouldn't the obvious choice be me, his marriage?? The fact that it's not speaks volumes.

We've been together 10 years, all this has happened in the space of three weeks. I feel so drained. I seem angry at him, he's being a coward. I deserve, and want, better, it's hard to walk away.

If he isn’t in touch with her and is contrite then he’ll probably be falling over himself to prove he isn’t. He should allow you access to his phone etc during this time in my opinion. He has breached your trust in such a massive fundamental way that he needs to actively demonstrate to you that he isn’t contacting her, not expecting you to passively accept his words, which aren’t worth much right now. It’s very easy for a person involved in an affair to say “I’m not doing it anymore” but in actual fact they are fully engaging with the person they are having/had the affair with.


You said he says he is confused etc. I fully see where he is at because I essentially was him. He’s having his own emotional turmoil and is being so selfish that he doesn’t give a proverbial **** about anyone else.

I would absolutely give him an ultimatum. He cuts all contact AND changes jobs. This has to be bob-negotiable. He has put HIMSELF in this situation by allowing himself to become inappropriately too close to someone else. His job should be secondary to your marriage. The necessity of staying in that particular job should not exist. He’ll get another job.

It’s likely, and sorry OP, that this so called friendship has gone to another level...maybe not physically yet, but it’s quite likely they’ve discussed their feelings for one another at the very least. He’ll prob deny that but you don’t get to the situation where you’re willing to let a marriage go without feeling romantically towards the other person.

I’d stick with it the counselling right now. Could you go twice a week to keep the momentum up? However, I would INSIST that he actively seeks a new job. And it would be a deal breaker that he cuts contact with this woman. He does not need to meet her to tell her this. She knows full well that she’s an accessory to breaking up a marriage.

There’s no excuse for the behaviour. I look back on myself then versus now and for that period of time...and in my case it was a long time, and I was a different person. I was out of control, emotionally, mentally and even physically. I lost loads of weight (50kg normally) and went to 45kg..scary, I was drinking loads, going out lots like I was 21 again, spending loads etc. I don’t recognise that reckless and inconsiderate person anymore. I blamed my poor suffering husband for everything.

What’s bizzare is that we didn’t have a bad marriage to start with but somehow I let another person in. I allowed it and encouraged it. I feel like I lost love and attraction for my spouse. It’s back and better than ever now thank God. I love him more than life itself and I will never, ever stoop as low as I did before again.

It took massive work on both our parts to get right again. I had to change the way I thought, reprogram myself against my will really. I’d to cut contact fully with the other person. Block him on everthing. And change jobs to a job I like less with less pay. All my own fault and it’s a repercussions of what I did. I have to live with the consequences of that. But that’s nothing as I have my marriage back and that’s what is important to me.

What I’m saying OP is don’t throw the towel in yet. Marriage is work and bad things happen. I went to confession and I’m going to the Pope’s Mass in August. I know lots of people aren’t religious but I felt I needed to cleanse my soul. That may even be selfish of me too.

People can move on from bad things in marriages. But they have to want to. Your husband may be confused but he needs to make a decision, hopefully that he’ll work for the marriage. Stay strong OP.

The other woman also has A LOT to answer for.

I feel for you OP. And I’m sorry for my part in my own affair that caused my husband the pain you’re now going through.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

It’s fine to say that when you’re young or have an inexperienced view of relationships. It’s a very one-dimensional view. But life can teach you differently. I think that was an excellent, honest post and it shows the many different complexities that long term relationships have to navigate.

OP - I’d urge you to read that post carefully. If your husband isn’t showing any evidence of cutting ties with this person, or is continuing to blame you, then he’s still involved in the affair. And while he’s involved in the affair, he wil never sincerely try to resolve your relationship.

It might be time for you to call his bluff. But if he doesn’t react, you’ll have to be prepared to walk away

What you don't hear is how the husband feels (or the OP will feel). Basically all the trust you had is gone forever. Any love or respect is greatly diminished. The person you thought you married is replaced by a stranger of far less character. You are always thinking if your spouse went crazy once it can happen again. What other ways can they betray me?

You never look at your spouse in the same way again - and to be honest if someone turns your head the resistance you would have had before to succumbing to it is far lower than before.

LegacyUser

AffairsArePainful wrote: »

What you don't hear is how the husband feels (or the OP will feel). Basically all the trust you had is gone forever. Any love or respect is greatly diminished. The person you thought you married is replaced by a stranger of far less character. You are always thinking if your spouse went crazy once it can happen again. What other ways can they betray me?

You never look at your spouse in the same way again - and to be honest if someone turns your head the resistance you would have had before to succumbing to it is far lower than before.

I think that while this may be the case for some for sure, I think the opposite can also apply.

With that logic, what’s to say that someone who never had an affair won’t start one? Everyone who has had an affair was, at some point, someone who hadn’t had an affair. Until of course they started their affair.

In my case, I was 8 years married when I started my affair. From the outside it looked like we were the perfect couple. And we actually had a good marriage until I started getting emotionally attached to the other person.

To the world I was the one person you could never picture having an affair. Handsome husband, great career, lovely kids (yes, I know kids involved..makes me twice as horrendous for doing what I did), well educated, am good looking myself). What happened was that I became too close to my colleague. Started with lingering chats in each other’s offices, then random texts here and there to full blown non-stop contact via text. To meeting up outside work, to full-blown physical and emotional affair. I thought nobody ‘got’ me like he did.

What I learned from the experience (or atrocious deed rather), is to never, ever, ever put myself in a position whereby I am able to get that close to someone again. Never again let myself become attracted to another. Never again engage in text messaging like that. Never be tempted. Don’t drink too much unless in the company of my friends (work night out after everyone had left sealed the deal with us)..not condoning drinking too much but myself and my friends have our girlie nights where we have a few drinks.

I don’t think it’s true or fair to say that those who have had affairs will do it again. You know, before I had my affair I was firmly of the view that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’ I was actually incrediboy judgemental of people who had affairs. I think differently now, and not just about myself in this regard.

It’s the old clichè..I didn’t go out to have an affair. However, I made terrible and unforgivable choices that ensured I partook in an affair.

To get back to the OP in all of this: OP just because this has happened with your husband doesn’t mean he will become a serial cheater in any respect.

Deal with the here and now and what’s on front of you. Don’t deal with hypothetical situations that may never come to be.

Heartbrokenlol

Yeah there is no way he would let me see his phone. I asked him to let me see their conversation on whatsapp a few weeks back and he said he deleted it. I think you're right that they have talked about their feelings. He says it was not mutual that he was attracted to her but she is friendly to everyone. I don't believe this, my gut tells me differently.

He's blaming so much on me and still says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm reaching the end now in terms of what I can and can't deal with. I feel that within the next couple of weeks it will all come to a head. He should be making me feel emotionally secure but in fact it's the exact opposite.

I think I know the answer to this I just need a bit more time to process it and accept it as true. I'm romanticising our life together and I get upset. He really has not shown me respect.

Big Bag of Chips

You are entitled to take as much time as you need. Despite what some people would have you believe it is not so easy to end a marriage. It's not easy to walk away, no matter what the cause, it is never the easy option. Take care of yourself. It is very easy to romanticise, and it is very easy to hold on to any little glimmer of hope, and anything positive at all. Its what helps relationships through tough times, those willing to stick it out because they don't want to give up on the hope that things can be good again.

I wouldn't wish what you are going through on anyone. It is life-changing. And, as the poster above who had the affair said, your husband isn't thinking of you at the moment. He doesn't know/realise/care that you are hurting as bad as you are. At the moment he is completely selfish and thinking only of himself, and how he 'deserves' to be happy, and how his unhappiness is all your fault. If only you'd leave him alone to further his relationship with the other one, don't make a fuss, and be there waiting for him to come back.

It's very difficult when you love someone, and you want to try work through the problems to realise that you are not a priority for your partner. As the other poster said, it is possible to come through it. But you really are at the mercy of him. He needs to realise he's being unfair. Until he stops being the victim, in his own eyes, then you are not going to get very far with him.

And that's a difficult and upsetting thing to accept.
There's no rush.

Heartbrokenlol

You're right. My best friend just said to me how has he managed to make this all about him. He has. I asked him is he still in contact with her just to see his reaction and he got annoyed and shouted No! And that he can't be asked who he's talking to, that's like being in prison.

I'm shocked too to be honest, we went on holidays a few weeks ago and he was texting her then, which is how I found out about her. Before that I thought, yeah we have our issues but he loves me and we are forever. Now a few weeks later everything has crashed down around me and he's saying he doesn't know what he wants.

It's very difficult to accept that the person who is supposed to love you, who is supposed to make you a priority is acting like this.

I think, next week, I'll go to visit my parents for a week or so. I need to have space from him, to think clearly.

My friend has also given me the name of a solicitor she used, she said it's not being rash but no harm to go and get myself some legal advice re house etc

I wonder is a part of me hanging on because at 36 I'm terrified of being alone. I have a lot going for me, I'm smart, a nice person, funny, a good friend, have a good job, I'm attractive.....yet that wasn't enough to keep my husband was it....

We're sitting on the sofa and I look at him and he's like someone I used to know. I told my therapist things would never be the same between us, she asked could they be better? They could. The harsh reality is he's not caring right now about me or our marriage. He cares only about himself and what he's going through. I've owned up to my issues and am seeking help. He isn't.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed. It's nice to talk to people who don't know either of us..

Hannibal_Smith

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Yeah there is no way he would let me see his phone. I asked him to let me see their conversation on whatsapp a few weeks back and he said he deleted it. I think you're right that they have talked about their feelings. He says it was not mutual that he was attracted to her but she is friendly to everyone. I don't believe this, my gut tells me differently.

He's blaming so much on me and still says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm reaching the end now in terms of what I can and can't deal with. I feel that within the next couple of weeks it will all come to a head. He should be making me feel emotionally secure but in fact it's the exact opposite.

I think I know the answer to this I just need a bit more time to process it and accept it as true. I'm romanticising our life together and I get upset. He really has not shown me respect.

It's only been three weeks, durimg which you've been lead up the garden path a bit with promises of trying to work it out etc.

You're now dealing with the upset of what happened and now the upset of not being able to move forward, in any direction.

He said he doesn't know what he wants...tbh of my husband said that to me (or vice versa) that would be my answer. How can you move forward with someone who isn't sure whether they even want to?

None of it is your fault and it's really sh*tty to say it is. If he's unhappy in the marriage he tells you and talks to you about it. He doesn't go off to another woman who, by his own admission, he is attracted to and talk to her instead.

fits

Have you kicked him out? I think it might help him to crystallize what exactly he wants. Make things more difficult for him.

LegacyUser

I’ll be honest - in my own case as the guilty party, we ‘split up’ but remained under the same roof. If my husband had kicked me out or taken a more drastic approach after I told him I was having an affair, I would have acted sooner to end the affair. Of course, my husband should never have had to be in a position like that in the first place and my decision to prolong the affair was entirely nothing to do with my poor husband. But I’m just saying that when I look back on it all, I’m pretty sure more drastic action to negatively impact upon me selfishness would have spurred me into action to have a good long look at myself.

I think people advising you to kick your husband out are advising well OP. Either kicking him out will just be a catalyst to the permanent separation if that’s what’s going to happen OR it will speed to the reconciliation and get him to snap back to reality.

I can’t stress enough how your husband is in this bubble of ‘me me me’ selfishness. He can only think about how the stars have aligned against him and him alone. He thinks he has been hard done by etc. He is literally so detached from reality. He isn’t actually considering you at all. Right now he is able to sit beside you on the couch in semi-normality. His world hasn’t changed much from active affair (albeit emotional allegedly) to the current situation. So you need to take steps to show him that what he has done and his continued emotional state has actually changed his reality and living situation.

I’d be pretty sure he is still in contact with her too. Back then I was always trying to hide my phone, had it on silent, had the other man muted on whatsapp, even changed his name in my contacts. The affair in my case was known by my husband but we were at a stage where I said I no longer spoke to the other man. Lies. My husband spotted my keying in my password into my phone and read my messages when I was in the shower. I don’t believe your husband OP.

Because your husband is now in this ‘bubble’ you need to force him to snap-out-of-it and come back to planet earth. You need to boot him out. If this drives him into the other woman’s arms then all you have done is speeded up the inevitable. Kicking him out could come with a caveat..if he gets together with her, no reconciliation. You’re kicking him out to let him think about what he has done to himself and to you.

He needs to move job. He simply has to.

Things sometimes work out and sometimes they don’t. I love my husband with all of my heart and I see him in a new light completely. That he had such forgiveness for such an unforgivable thing shows me that he is such a good person and I am beyond lucky to have him. He’s one in a million. Everything has improved for us. Our sex life is better than ever because I’m now more open about things and so is he. Our communication is excellent. We’re both more understanding. I’m a better person now. I try harder, I’m not as judgemental as I once was. It shouldn’t have taken something as awful as an affair to change things. There’s so excuse for it. But relationships, no matter HOW STRONG, you think you are, can be fragile if you allow them to be. You’d never in a million years think I’m the type to have had an affair.

OP, if you love this man and if you can get through to him, it could be the making of you both. Marriages have their ups and downs. If you both loved one another once, you can love each other again. Stick with the counselling. Don’t let him off the hook with projecting his insecurities and blame onto you. Call him out. Be strong. Be firm. If it’s meant to be, you’ll both find a way x

Heartbrokenlol

He won't leave, when he's riled up he makes rash statements about moving out but then he won't. We've had no space from each other at all since this happened. He's annoyed that I've been busying myself with friends, working out etc instead of spending time with him. I went off shopping with a friend the other day and he was gone when I got back and said he'd gone for a drive. Now this drive was an hour away to the place where he works and to where this woman lives. I'm pretty sure they met. He denies it of course.

Yeah he's constantly hiding phone or letting it drop when I walk into room etc

As I said I'm going to my parents for a week next week and then I'm going on a city break for four days so I'll have a good bit of space from him. I'm sure he'll be delighted, he'll be able to text and call her. It's like he's addicted. Numerous times I've wanted to message her. Pathetic.

The biggest thing is that I'm wondering why hasn't he just said I want out, I want to be with her. He said if we do split he'll be alone which is bull, he can't even spend a weekend alone without freaking out. Why isn't he just being honest? Instead of this head wrecking limbo. We have counselling again soon, I feel what's the point, he's going through the motions to appear like the good guy. He has told people bit pieces of the story and of course I look like the bad guy. He told his work colleagues I saw a text message from her and got jealous. Then he told me they're afraid to text him now in case I flip out..

As someone said it's not easy to walk away from a marriage. I wonder one day will he regret this and will he see all he has lost. There'd be some comfort in that.

I apologize if it sounds like I'm saying the same thing over and over. I guess I am. I'm going around in complete circles at the minute.

He gives me a hug or squeezes my hand and for a moment I'm reassured everything will be okay. It's sad.

nikkibikki

Heartbrokenlol wrote:

He gives me a hug or squeezes my hand and for a moment I'm reassured everything will be okay. It's sad.

He's giving you mixed messages. Tell him you want an answer either way when you get back whether he is prepared to stop all communication with her and work 100% on fixing your marriage or whether he wants to split up.

If you are worried about what people think, tell a few people your side of the story.

Are you worried that she will be in yiur house with him while you are away?

Heartbrokenlol

nikkibikki wrote: »

He's giving you mixed messages. Tell him you want an answer either way when you get back whether he is prepared to stop all communication with her and work 100% on fixing your marriage or whether he wants to split up.

If you are worried about what people think, tell a few people your side of the story.

Are you worried that she will be in yiur house with him while you are away?

I'm not worried about what other people think and people close to be know what's going on and have been super supportive.

I'm trying to learn as much from my own therapy as well, I've really had to face what I brought to the relationship. I'm not always easy and I'm definitely not perfect.

I'm hoping the break away will clear my head and allow me to think properly. He can't go on for months just not knowing. Maybe he already knows and is just too afraid/cowardly to do it.

No I'm not worried about him bringing her here. He wouldn't, plus we live in a rural community and people spot everything, believe me. He wouldn't do it for that reason alone. He cares what people think of him.

How am I also feeling sorry for him??? I really see how low his self esteem is, he's not happy and despite everything I love him and feel a need to help. I can't though. I need to focus on me.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't be too worried about what he is telling his colleagues. Often times work colleagues spend longer together than family members. nd they are also pretty quick to pick up on "friendships" that are a bit out of the ordinary. Also it sounds like he's protesting a little bit too much. I'd say if there's any office gossip going on, it's about his "poor wife" and how she puts up with him.

Of course he won't leave. It's too comfortable at home. Why would he leave? I think you should ask him to though. Tell him you are going away for however long, and when you come back you want him to be gone somewhere. Also, difficult as it is going to be do not contact him at all while you are away. Don't respond to texts, don't feel tempted to call him. You will just get the same lies and excuses and you will only end up frustrated. I know the temptation is there to contact her, but don't. All that will happen is they will then be talking to each other about the messages you're send her etc.

I think you going away for the few will be good for you to get out of the whole atmosphere. But please, please don't engage with him. Take a break from it completely. I also think the break will be "fun" for him in the sense that he'll be like a teenager with a free run of the house. I don't know if he'll bring her to your house. But he definitely will enjoy the freedom of not having you there "at" him. That is why I think in order for him to see what he risks losing, he has to move out of the family home. Because for as long as he stays, then nothing changes. Nothing has changed for him. He hasn't been inconvenienced at all. There is no incentive to cop himself on and snap out of whatever midlife crisis he's having. Because he is still swanning around in his self-important bubble where he gets to do what he likes when he likes.

Don't let him touch you. Don't let him squeeze your hand. He is giving you the tiniest of gestures, while still carrying on with this other woman under your nose. Not upsetting her, is a bigger priority to him than not upsetting you.

He can't miss you, and realise what he risks losing, if you are still there for him.
Remove yourself, physically and emotionally. Don't speak to him. Don't interact. Don't let him hug you.

It will be heartbreaking and very difficult, when all you really want is for him to hug you and tell you he's been a dick and he's going to make it all better. But he's hugging you, without following through. It's empty and worthless. In fact, the hug is more of a reassurance for him, than for you. He's testing to see if you're still being dependable. If you're still going to just be 'ok' with all this. If you're still there for him. Remove yourself from him. It will serve two purposes, he will realise you're serious, and you will start the process of either removing yourself from him, or making him realise that he does actually risk losing you.

For now he thinks you're going nowhere, and you'll just get over it.

Edit: You feel sorry for him because you are a good person. Nobody likes seeing someone else upset, and people like him who know they are in the wrong, are excellent at turning it all around and making themselves the victims. It is more common than you think that the injured party in a relationship ends up comforting the cheater and telling them it's ok... Isn't that what he's actually expecting of you? He's the weak, helpless victim here (in his eyes) and he's very good at playing the part and making you feel sorry for him. That's one of the reason you need to not be in contact with him when you go away.

professore

Big Bag of Chips hit the nail on the head. You are fulfilling the role of his mammy while this new woman is that exciting sexy bad girl from the wrong side of town mammy told him to stay away from. If he tells mammy he loves her and is a good boy he can pull the wool over her eyes. If mammy kicks him out it will be the wake up call he needs.