Husband had an emotional affair

nikkibikki

Heartbrokenlol wrote:

How am I also feeling sorry for him??? I really see how low his self esteem is, he's not happy and despite everything I love him and feel a need to help. I can't though. I need to focus on me.

You feel sorry for him because you are a good person, you care about him. For someone who's self esteem is low, he sure is behaving very selfishly. Without any regard for your feelings. If he feels bad about that, I think he deserves to.

tara73

wow OP, your last post made me really sad. you seem like such a good, level headed person, you don't deserve this sh*** from this man.

He's manipulating you big time. Or he tries, thankfully you can see through it, but it dosn't help with the pain you must feel.

Badmouthing you, wanting to make you feel bad because his friends don't dare to text him anymore because of your jealiousy. and next thing he's doing texting this other woman more or less secretely.
Then next thing hugging you and giving you hope everything could be ok. Honestly, I have to say it, what an a***hole and it makes my blood boil.

Don't feel bad for possibly repeating yourself here. I think everybody with a minimum of empathy can put themselves in your shoes. This happened all very quick and nobody expects from you having everything sorted within a few day, weeks or even month.

PressRun

Put him out on his ear. He needs a kick in the arse in order to wake up from this teenage fantasy he's playing around with. When he comes crawling back looking for your sympathy and forgiveness, then you can decide if he's worth it. Or maybe he won't come back, in which case you'll be well rid.

Heartbrokenlol

Hi guys thank you for all the advice. So we had a big argument there earlier and he ended up telling me she told him she has feelings for him and she thinks they're mutual. He said told her he didn't know what he wanted.
I was so upset and angry I messaged her on Facebook. I know, I shouldn't, everything just caught up with me. Well I told him and he flipped out saying it's going to be so awkward in work, that I'm a psycho and a c**t. He got his keys and drove off and told me not to contact him again.
Guess I know whose feelings he is more worried about.

dudara

I don’t agree with you messaging her, but by doing it, you turned the spotlight back on him and you took some control. And he didn’t like it now, did he?

BTW, if anyone ever called me a “c*nt”. That’s it, they’d be out of my life. Even my other half. That’s an abysmal name to call someone, never mind your wife.

Heartbrokenlol

dudara wrote: »

I don’t agree with you messaging her, but by doing it, you turned the spotlight back on him and you took some control. And he didn’t like it now, did he?

BTW, if anyone ever called me a “c*nt”. That’s it, they’d be out of my life. Even my other half. That’s an abysmal name to call someone, never mind your wife.

I agree I shouldn't have messaged her, I was just so upset and angry and didn't know what else to do. No he didn't like it. At all.

Hannibal_Smith

dudara wrote: »

BTW, if anyone ever called me a “c*nt”. That’s it, they’d be out of my life. Even my other half. That’s an abysmal name to call someone, never mind your wife.

This, times a million.

A few days ago he's telling you that you can't move passed things. He's also telling you that HE has feelings for HER but it's not mutual.

Now he's telling you he has been talking to her (all the while blaming you for not being able to move on) and now he's telling you SHE has feelings for HIM. But it's not mutual.

On top of that he's calling you a c*nt for messaging her.? But when he messages her it's grand? He's made things difficult for himself.

You are both going round in circles and it's not getting better. In fact it's getting more and more insulting. Did you say you were in couples counselling? Did they say things would get worse before better?

You're melting your brain going round in circles about it. The sooner you get to your folks the better I think.

rainbowtrout

Heartbrokenlol wrote: »

Hi guys thank you for all the advice. So we had a big argument there earlier and he ended up telling me she told him she has feelings for him and she thinks they're mutual. He said told her he didn't know what he wanted.
I was so upset and angry I messaged her on Facebook. I know, I shouldn't, everything just caught up with me. Well I told him and he flipped out saying it's going to be so awkward in work, that I'm a psycho and a c**t. He got his keys and drove off and told me not to contact him again.
Guess I know whose feelings he is more worried about.

hmmm... so even though he claims not to be in contact with her, they've had this conversation?

You're trying to save your marriage and he's angry that 'things are going to be awkward for him in work'??? She may or may not have said that she has feelings for him, he could be engaging in further manipulation, where he's trying to see how far he can push you. I guess he's just got his answer.

And he's more worried about why it's going to be awkward at work? Can't imagine why it would be awkward if she has feelings for him and vice versa. Only it's awkward if he's now seeing that you might end the marriage and this woman mightn't be serious enough about him to follow through with a relationship.

I feel for you OP, but you should take him at his word. He told you not to contact him. Keep that thought in mind, enjoy your trip home and your city break as much as you can, and let him stew for the next couple of weeks and see how much he likes a life apart.

tara73

ah, would be so good if you kicked him out. He really deserves this. But telling from his mean character he probably won't leave anyway, no matter what you tell him?

Don't know it's a good situation you leaving the house for the next days...

Ursus Horribilis

If he was worried about things being awkward at work, he'd have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. In its own way, messaging the other woman might not be the worst thing. She knows your husband is a married man but it didn't stop her pursuing him. You throwing a grenade like this into their affair will ruin the party for a while. They're playing with fire and deserve to get burned.

It's hard to see a way back from this, I'm afraid. Your husband has been suiting himself until now. Contacting this woman while at the same time enjoying all the home comforts. He's not going to want to move out, which is something for you to be mindful of now. The cost of renting anything half decent is going to hit him in the pocket. I think you've simply brought to a head something that was going to happen anyway. With that in mind, do you think there's a chance he'll come home some day, change the locks and not let you back in?

I think you'd better contact that solicitor tomorrow and get some legal advice. This is a situation that's probably going to change multiple times but having proper information never hurts.

tara73

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

With that in mind, do you think there's a chance he'll come home some day, change the locks and not let you back in?

I think you'd better contact that solicitor tomorrow and get some legal advice. This is a situation that's probably going to change multiple times but having proper information never hurts.

that were my thoughts/fear too. Didn't want to write it down because this would be such a low move, a scumbag move actually and we don't know him that much. Only you can tell whether he'd be able to such a drastic step.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope he won't stoop so low but I felt it was prudent to mention it anyway. Breakups can bring out the worst in people and this man has said some very hurtful, nasty things. I'm not seeing much kindness or compassion here, just him suiting himself and lashing out at his wife for spoiling things. Something tells me he knows what he wants but admitting it out loud brings with it a whole lot of hardship. They're married, they own a house together and any split is going to be a messy affair. I can understand why he has been trying to keep a lid on things and maintain the status quo for the time being. It's selfish of course but no break-up is ever cut and dried.

Storming out of the house is all well and good until the practicalities start to kick in. Where's he going to live? Where will his stuff go? Does he have anything to wear into work in the morning? What's the story with joint bank accounts etc? Who's paying the mortgage? I think in the circumstances, it'd be better if she doesn't go anywhere too far away.

My heart really goes out to you OP and I hope he's not going to resort to scumbag behaviour. I think you need to protect yourself though, in case he tries to make life awkward for you.

mada82

Life isn’t supposed to be this complicated. Dump him. It will be hard at first but you will get over it.

My ex dumped me a few months ago and I thought it was the end of the world but guess what? It wasn’t.

MissShihTzu

He called you that name, as you've now forced his hand. Reality is now beginning to close in on him. It is no longer a pleasant little fantasy in his mind. To use his language, he now has to **** or get off the pot.

Your husband is trying his best to have his cake, eat it and make trifle from it too (to use one of my favourite sayings)! I personally think the time has now come. He's taking the mick and he knows it.

Carry on with your counselling - seems to be making the all the difference.

Get legal advice, and make moves to put him out.

Heartbrokenlol

I'll try to answer as many things as I can remember.
We've had two counselling sessions, the first was mostly paperwork so we haven't even begun to work through anything.

It may make things awkward at work for him, she's related to his manager.

No I don't have any fear that he will bring her here when I'm gone or that he'd change the locks etc none at all.

I do need this break away and badly and I will be getting advice to protect myself.

Mods can lock this thread when they're ready please. I've gotten some great advice here, thank you to all x

JustAThought

Your husband of 2 years has a close friend in work who he feels a connection to. There has been zero romance or physical contact. Your two year marriage was struggling and you were in therapy with insecurity issues - from what you post. His openness and honesty was clear - as was his statement that nothing had happened between them bar a connection and shared connection and friendship. He said he woukd go to couoles councelling with you. Your jealousy and insecurities have now put this friendship into the workplace as something more than it is, and your actions may force his hand to make a stand against your behaviour,your insecurities,demanding behaviour and control issues. It may well have cost you a marriage. It sounds from what you say that there is little left in this marriage for him. It also sounds from the way he told you that he had been messaging her as if he cares for you and your feelings. Nobody want to live in a hysterical, permanently insecure controlling environment. Perhaps if this cannot change he will be better off out of the marriage and free to have a normal.life with normal relationships and friendships. It all sounds like an absolute fraught overlaboured OTT nightmare and I hate to think of difficult his life must be in this kind of accusatory,overworked,hyperanalysed , bitter environment where in fact nothing has happened. It sounds as if your insecurity issues are the issue. Perhaps you should consider changing therapist as your reaction to this whole mess shows that there is a lot more at play here that your husband being tired of your nuroses and having reconnected a friendship with an old friend who makes him remember the happiness and joy in life - something one would normLly be relying on a wife and family for but which he is clearly not getting at home . Whats in this relationship and marriage for him?

dudara

@JustAThought - it seems like you’ve read between the lines and interpreted a lot there, but not offered any actual advice. Please read the forum charter before posting again, or you will incur a card.

Closing this thread at OP’s request. OP, if you ever want to reopen the thread, feel free to contact one of the mods.

dudara