He slept with my colleague

leggo

Fair play for that OP. Good for you that you can get introspective and own the issue. For the record, if you were referring to me calling you a drama queen, I wasn’t trying to dunk on you for thanks. Sometimes the best way to reflect a mirror back on someone and to get them to help themselves is to give a perspective as to how their situation may look to an outsider. Most people get defensive and just resist any attempt to deflect all criticism from themselves, you’ve taken the opposite approach and put the hands up and I respect that. Now put this moment of clarity into action and you’ll be flying. For what it’s worth any damage with this bloke doesn’t appear to be terminal so you’re starting from a good place.

Potatoeman

As okay as people say they would be with this, I’d say you need to be in the situation yourself first. I had someone at work after me sleep with a colleague and after that I was only interested in something casual with her.

I’d also be careful with the colleague being into casual hookups if you’re not. The chances of this happening again could be higher than you think. You might be safer separating your work and personal life to avoid situations like this. Guys might try to have casual fun with her before a relationship with you and as you can see from the posts here there is technically nothing wrong with that.

Also you don’t seem to live in the same country as this guy. How is that going to work?

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I agree entirely with you about people jumping down your throat to call you names.

I am glad you called him to apologise and also think it totally reasonable to not want to start something based on the complications.

Slutmonkey57b

osarusan wrote: »

Because she didn't want it coming out 6 months later that she'd slept with the OP's now-boyfriend? She'd rather have that out in the open straight away between her and her friend.

The boyfriend wouldn't have mentioned it, and the op wouldn't have known.

The colleague only told her because the guy had broken things off with her, and that's hardly a positive motivating factor.

GingerLily

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

The boyfriend wouldn't have mentioned it, and the op wouldn't have known.

The colleague only told her because the guy had broken things off with her, and that's hardly a positive motivating factor.

You have no way of knowing her motivations - the colleague has done nothing wrong and it's very unfair that people are accusing her of having alterier motives when all she's done is be honest with a friend in a timely manner.

SirChenjin

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

What I’ve learned from this thread is that I am indeed a complete hot mess of emotions and unreasonable behaviour at the moment and I need to sort that out as a matter of priority. I’ve substituted self care with work stress and drama and it’s got me in a very dark place indeed where I’m just living life like some sort of headless chicken And not actually dealing with anything.

What I’ve also learned is the value of kindness and compassion in these threads and how that can really be like a warm hug from a friend when someone is going through a tough time. I appreciate you’re putting all of your private stuff out there for public consumption and you have to be fair game for what comes back, but I don’t see how name calling and telling someone they’re a drama queen and this guy “dodged a bullet” in their hour of need teaches anyone anything other than to get them a bunch of likes from a crowd who gets a good laugh from it all.

I know well how wrong a lot of my thought processes and behaviours are here, but in fairness most people who post in PI don’t do so to chat mundanely about their stress free lives, they do it because they’re really struggling with something and are probably a bit all over the place and there are ways of pointing out the error of their ways without attacking them as people.

Completely agree with you.

I hope that things improve for you very soon. You have been through an awful lot.

No advice at all, just sending you a big virtual hug. Take care.

statina

OP Mind yourself, you’re going through such a personal hard time. “This too shall pass”

Best wishes

WIZWEB

OP I'm going to go against the majority here. You're right to have serious suspicions especially considering the spin you were fed at the time he slept with your colleague. He knew it was highly likely that your colleague might talk about her experience with him to you. He just didn't care or saw it as a way to create triangulation. Even though you and him didn't sleep together it was a great way to play the gentleman and increase your emotional connection to him. Deliberate? Perhaps. You use the word 'sociopath'. Related to that type is narcissist. A word I use often here where I believe relevant but you've not spent enough time with this man for me to use that label. Always best that you spend no time with those types though. He's at least an emotional player laying on the charm while lieing as a free agent or otherwise.

An interesting point is you mention your ex who was/is in therapy. Are you an empath or would you perceive yourself as codependent? Really attractive traits to players and narcissists and often us types end up very attracted to them. Just speculation but if your ex has an addiction they will be naturally Narcissistic while using. Thankfully in that case it usually subsides when not using. Otherwise best to minimise contact.

The other lad is going to mess with your head in my opinion as he has done so unintentionally or otherwise. Save yourself the drama and ideally meet a new bloke from either as the newbie has disrespected you and regarding the ex they are an ex for a reason or two.

ginandtonicsky

Thanks Wizweb and thank you all for your kindness.

I don’t know if I’m codependent or an empath but my ex had addiction issues tied to his depression/anxiety and I suppose you could say dealing with that had a really detrimental affect on my self esteem and on me as a person.

I don’t really want to go down the rabbit hole of personality types and all the rest of it, all I know is it felt wrong and the charm offensive continues even now after I’ve apologised and expressed that I have no interest in anything romantic anymore. I’m obviously not without my own faults but it feels sinister and it feels wrong and funnily enough the glaring difference with my ex was that for all his sins and there were many, I always knew he was a good person and his loyalty never waned. The idea of Sleeping with one of my colleagues while he was trying to pursue me would have turned his stomach.

I’m at risk of rosetinting everything about him at the moment so will be maintaining a healthy distance from both these lads from now on and looking into therapy when I get back to my home city.

Thank you all

Degringola

"all I know is it felt wrong"
I'm so glad you're listening to your gut feelings, OP.  They hardly ever lead us astray.
I think the only question you need to ask yourself in these kind of situations is
"Is this acceptable to ME? ". 
I find his actions quite creepy and I think you've dodged a bullet.
Please don't let him hoover back, he sounds quite persistent.
All the best.

WIZWEB

You're welcome OP.

As you dealt with your ex's addiction issues which would mean staying with them while aware it would suggest codependency through enabling as any of us do while we stay in those relationships. Your combined empathy (evidenced by how you still speak caringly for your ex considering what that relationship cost you) would gravitate you towards a fixer role. Both empathy and codependency can be positive traits but often leave us open to abuse by being taken advantage of by others. Such a scenario as you are aware will eventually affect your mental health. Therapy is a great idea to resolve these issues and prevent repeat experiences. The role we take on is usually defined through early developmental childhood experiences from learned behaviours taught by our parents. Your therapist if a link is discovered will discuss this with you if you're comfortable.

Regarding your self esteem have a Google on the 'Locus of Evaluation'. It's an effective but simple tool from the renowned psychotherapist Carl Rogers to work on prioritising yourself and your own needs. Even now you being concerned about what your ex would think about you sleeping with a colleague displays an external seeking of SELF-Worth. Just think about how much power that gives him over you (in your head) even though he hasn't asked for it in this case! Maybe reflect with your therapist on similar instances during that relationship that gave your control and power away. Any an invite to damage our SELF-Esteem. Work on internalising this instead through this little tool.

The recent lad has already introduced you into a predictable cycle. It always eventually ends in a discard. The first two pieces which can bounce back and forward as you've experienced are first the idolisation and then the devaluation phases. You empower yourself and protect your emotional health by not engaging in such drama.

The 'healthy distance' is another great idea you have. That will protect you while you recover. As your self-esteem increases you'll develop a natural barrier that will protect you with a very low threshold for other people's problems or games.

PressRun

While I don't think he did anything bad per se, we are all entitled to our own feelings on what feels right or wrong. Something about this fella obviously just didn't sit right with you and that should be enough to move on without him. I don't think it was right to go off on him over it, but you're still allowed to feel uncomfortable with his approach to this situation. There are obviously residual feelings about your ex and how that ended, and I would address that before looking into pursuing anything else romantic with someone else.

LolaJJ

I actually completely understand where OP is coming from and I'm really surprised that she's received such a back-lash here.

If I had had on/off flirting with a guy for over a year who confessed to me that he had had feelings for me and had some crazy romantic date with me in Paris...

I would feel REALLY special and excited.

Until I learned that this is just a move he does with a lot of different girls and didn't even like me enough to at least pick someone I don't know or didn't introduce him too.

Similarly if I GENUINELY liked a guy I wouldn't even glance side-ways at any of his friends or colleagues, especially if he was also there. You just don't

I get it OP

leggo

LolaJJ wrote: »

I actually completely understand where OP is coming from and I'm really surprised that she's received such a back-lash here.

If I had had on/off flirting with a guy for over a year who confessed to me that he had had feelings for me and had some crazy romantic date with me in Paris...

I would feel REALLY special and excited.

Until I learned that this is just a move he does with a lot of different girls and didn't even like me enough to at least pick someone I don't know or didn't introduce him too.

Similarly if I GENUINELY liked a guy I wouldn't even glance side-ways at any of his friends or colleagues, especially if he was also there. You just don't

I get it OP

Flip side: you’re only getting one side of the story here. If I met someone a couple times and liked them, but say they gave mixed signals (which often people don’t even realise they give) or didn’t seem interested...I’d have no problem sleeping with someone they knew if the opportunity presented itself and we both wanted to. Again, he’d met this person a few times over the course of a few months. He owes her less than nothing. We’ve no idea what his side of the story is.

I can also totally see how the OP would be taken aback and even how she’d choose not to continue things as it’d seem a bit tainted and weird. That’s not what she’s getting backlash for. It’s the level of her overreaction. She’s acknowledged this is an issue and is going to work on it. I don’t think it’s helpful to her to validate that behaviour now when it likely wasn’t making her happy to begin with and getting help for it will likely make her much happier in the long run. There are different ways to help people than just showing total support.

LolaJJ

leggo wrote: »

Flip side: you’re only getting one side of the story here. If I met someone a couple times and liked them, but say they gave mixed signals (which often people don’t even realise they give) or didn’t seem interested...I’d have no problem sleeping with someone they knew if the opportunity presented itself and we both wanted to. Again, he’d met this person a few times over the course of a few months. He owes her less than nothing. We’ve no idea what his side of the story is.

I can also totally see how the OP would be taken aback and even how she’d choose not to continue things as it’d seem a bit tainted and weird. That’s not what she’s getting backlash for. It’s the level of her overreaction. She’s acknowledged this is an issue and is going to work on it. I don’t think it’s helpful to her to validate that behaviour now when it likely wasn’t making her happy to begin with and getting help for it will likely make her much happier in the long run. There are different ways to help people than just showing total support.

Absolutely, my comment was relating to all the posts saying that the guy did nothing wrong. I believe what he did was wrong

leggo

He unequivocally didn’t. You don’t owe anyone you haven’t even been on a date, or had any romantic dealings with, exclusivity. That’s an absolutely mental thing to expect from someone and the kind of thing that upsets teenagers... “But he looked at me first!” and so on.

But it’s also okay for the OP to not proceed if she feels that way too. She’s free to do as she wishes and so is he. No need for stress, drama or tears. Isn’t that a much healthier way to live?

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sexmag

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Except he is not married or commited to anyone and as such does not owe anyone anything.

Would it have made a differnce if he slept with her years before hand and then tried to start something with op?

He was up front with the other girl as soon as op gave him a chance which is a decenbt thing to do, he could have just blown her off and went with op, infact if he didnt end it with the other girls op may have been none the wiser, prior to hooking with op that he could do as he liked and not to mention the other must have known op was into him as he had sent gifts to her job and she said its a small office so everyone played a part.

Anyway op seems to have got a resolution and is going to be better off because of it

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ginandtonicsky

Yeah listen it’s much of a muchness now and I’ve literally been lying on a beach for five days straight so am a bit more zen and meh about it all.

What I will say though is that the language that I was lauded for in the OP for being a “drama queen” - a lot of that was his. Paris being like a movie, how amazing and special I am, how he thought I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen when he met me last year.

So I’ll hold my hands up for having the reaction I did, totally unhealthy and definitely symptomatic of the stress I’ve had in my life recently. But he absolutely encouraged me to think of our date in the way I did, that’s been the nature his texts/calls to me ever since he expressed interest.

Hard to marry that with casually hooking up with the colleague I had introduced him to at the event we were both at, and subsequently trying to date her, if those types of mad feelings were bubbling under the surface all along.

But listen, it happened, he apologised and said he wishes it never did and I’ve apologised for being totally inappropriate in my language to him when I found out.

leggo

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I dunno. I think people are working out their own insecurities and anxieties here and applying those to this fella. For example, giving out because he blew off the mate here...surely it'd be way worse if he didn't?! You're putting this guy between a rock and a hard place where whatever he does is wrong and are determined to apply the player tag to him no matter what he does. He blows off the mate? Player. He doesn't blow off the mate? Player. There's not a move this guy can make that won't lead to you criticising him, which just suggests you want to criticise him and facts don't matter.

And this did all happen over a long period of time. What is it, a year? If something doesn't happen with me and another person the first or second time I meet them...I assume it's a busted flush. How long did you expect this guy to hold onto hope for this girl he barely knew here?

The course of events that's most likely here is that he slept with the OP's mate, realised he should've put himself out there with the OP and asked out straight, did so and dated her, it went well, he called time with the mate and was honest with everyone involved.

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wirelessdude01

ginandtonicsky wrote:

But listen, it happened, he apologised and said he wishes it never did and I’ve apologised for being totally inappropriate in my language to him when I found out.

So is there any chance for ye now or are you still adamant that he is in the wrong?

leggo

....... wrote: »

Once he slept with the mate he blew it. There was never going to be a good outcome from that moment. Either the mate was gonna be hurt or the OP was gonna be hurt or he was gonna be disappointed. As it happened, two of those outcomes came to be.

It’s really easy to judge situations and people in hindsight though. That’s not how any of us live our lives in the real world, we play the cards as we see them at any given stage. If your priority is “judge the situation from the best angle that gives you the conclusion that this guy is a player who blew it”, that’s the way to look at it. It’s not the way things happened, but it’s the way to twist it to reach that conclusion.

If you want to gauge it from “I’m an outsider and this person is looking for help, how do I gauge it fairly taking all views into account so that this reaches its best resolution where people happy”, you’ll take a step back and look at it from all angles from the perspective of how it actually played out.

The ‘all men are dickheads’ narrative might provide people temporary relief but it’s neither true nor helpful.

Addle

He got laid. Happened to be with someone you know.
She mightn't be your colleague forever.
He has the possibility of being a long term parter.
He's definitely worth a second chance.

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GingerLily

Addle wrote: »

He got laid. Happened to be with someone you know.
She mightn't be your colleague forever.
He has the possibility of being a long term parter.
He's definitely worth a second chance.

Her work colleague is a friend too. I wouldn't bother with him, you aren't over your ex and you don't trust this new guy, no point bothering

leggo

....... wrote: »

Who said or implied that all men are dickheads?

You’re clinging to it with both hands. Earlier on you slated him for blowing off the mate, for example. I pointed out that surely it’d be worse if he didn’t. You ignored that. You’re ignoring a lot of the valid points being brought up (for example everything but the last line of my post) because you want to believe what you want to believe. I’m saying what you believe isn’t true and doesn’t help anyone going forward, even if it does give temporary comfort.

GingerLily

leggo wrote: »

You’re clinging to it with both hands. Earlier on you slated him for blowing off the mate, for example. I pointed out that surely it’d be worse if he didn’t. You ignored that. You’re ignoring a lot of the valid points being brought up (for example everything but the last line of my post) because you want to believe what you want to believe. I’m saying what you believe isn’t true and doesn’t help anyone going forward, even if it does give temporary comfort.

How is this helpful to the OP? If you want to start a debate maybe start a thread elsewhere.

leggo

GingerLily wrote: »

How is this helpful to the OP? If you want to start a debate maybe start a thread elsewhere.

I’ve explained: because validating her behaviour could put the kibosh on attempts to remedy the things that caused that behaviour and just lead to a loop of similar events, with the OP no happier. but feeling fully charged up because a bunch of randoms said this guy was a dick and she was right to do what she did. All because they took this thread as an opportunity to vent their own issues with men.

Telling someone they’re right is often the least helpful thing you can do.

GingerLily

leggo wrote: »

I’ve explained: because validating her behaviour could put the kibosh on attempts to remedy the things that caused that behaviour and just lead to a loop of similar events, with the OP no happier. but feeling fully charged up because a bunch of randoms said this guy was a dick and she was right to do what she did. All because they took this thread as an opportunity to vent their own issues with men.

My responses would be the same to a man who found out the girl he was planning on dating had been sleeping with his friend and work colleague, I suggest your the only one here who is giving gender bias advice.

Its a moot point anyways as the OP need to get over her ex

Big Bag of Chips

Kids, enough of the bickering. Regular posters here should be more than the familiar with the Forum Charter, and the basic rule of the Forum, direct your post to the OP, and post offering mature constructive advice.

Anyone unsure of the posting guidelines should remind themselves. Also, as always, if you notice a post that breaches the charter, report it. Commenting on it is considered off-topic and backseat moderation.

I think OP, your issue is resolved. Thread locked.