Dating Foreigners

techman1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120656345#Comment_120656345

Why would it be super competitive for men on these dating sites compared to the situation before. Is it because many women don't have profiles on these sites therefore they are not a true reflection of the real life situation?

Is it because some men on these sites are already attached and only looking for extra marital affairs ,much harder to do in real life?

Maybe women that are not very good looking don't put their profiles up there as they feel that only the good looking women will get all the responses.

Therefore Internet dating looks like a bad idea for genuine single men and women that are not conventionally good looking . At the same time there are a disproportionate number of men cheating and women that are looking for their egos to be stroked by all the attention they get online which would not happen in real life

Mister Vain

No its just down to the numbers. Men outnumber women on most apps so its more competitive.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657579#Comment_120657579

It does rain men on the apps alright 😁

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657579#Comment_120657579

True.

Women outnumber men in real life though. There are 30,000 more women than men in Ireland.

Mister Vain

Actually the recent census is interesting. There are more women than men in Ireland, yet there are more single men than women. Dublin and Galway has the most singles. Limerick people are doing the most shagging.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657548#Comment_120657548

This is very true, if a person isn’t conventionally attractive or sexy, chances of at least matching are poorer. We humans have very basic primitive instincts. I think video presentations might be a better idea if the apps could fare to allow that much data… or maybe premium subscriptions could allow for that. You then get to see the more of the way the person appears in reality, how they sound etc.

I remember a guy once asking me what kind of an accent I had, could he hear a clip 🤣 He was making sure I didn’t sound like a scanger.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657614#Comment_120657614

Hah, I suppose the next census has to define "relationship".

Seems men might define it differently to women

I once matched with an Icelander, he had warned me he was a complete introvert, his father having died young and his mother kicked out of the family homestead so his uncle could raise his own family there. The mother was forced to emigrate and raise her family in Europe, he said that early childhood insecurity affected him for rest of his life, although he had an excellent engineering career. He disappeared into the ether, lifelong attachment issues.

suvigirl

I had to move away to another country and find someone from a third country to find the perfect man!

Not that there's anything wrong with Irish men, this particular foreign man was perfect. Far more modern in his thinking then Irish lads.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657656#Comment_120657656

What does that mean, out of interest?

Hotblack Desiato

Silage instead of hay

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120655432#Comment_120655432

Its not just money though, its lifestyle matching. There are certain things in my lifestyle that are afforded to me by how much I earn. Weekends away, nice holidays etc this is something I look to have and experience with a partner also. Its the same as having widely mismatched views on life, politics, ethics, religion etc.

SouthWesterly

Was out for a meal at the weekend with the family in a local hotel. (My wife is a foreigner.)

There was a local chap next to us chatting to what I assume was a Ukrainian woman. First date kind of thing. He was doing his best to impress her but she was unmoved. Drink wasn't touched. Handbag stayed on her lap. While he had his sandwich and pot of tea .

It was all about him,very few questions about her.

Probably a nice guy but failed.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657663#Comment_120657663

Hard to explain exactly, it's the way he thought. His country is a lot more equal in the sexes, like you will see plenty of women doing jobs there that would be traditionally male jobs here. Like working on dustbins for example.

You could see 5/6 women working together on a building site, some engineers, some brickies

Women having lots of sexual partners would be normal and he would never say anything derogatory about those women etc etc

Women always have the final decision on terminations, as it's their body etc

I'm not putting Irish men down at all, he just had a different way of thinking

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658307#Comment_120658307

Exactly. Eg I might have real notions to go to an extra nice restaurant once every 3 months (I don’t btw!) and suggest to chappie a nice dining experience we could share, but he’s on minimum wage and can’t afford it. So I have to give up my pastime of having quarterly nice meals or pay for him, and that would make for a very unequal partnership, even more likely from his perspective as mine. If the match is financially very unbalanced in that one is particularly disadvantaged it could cause unspoken tensions, especially if things went a bit pear shaped. Not always, of course, but it’s better to be reasonably well matched in this respect. It’s not that anybody is lesser or superior, just what is brought to the relationship / household.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658359#Comment_120658359

Out of interest, what country is he from?

Mister Vain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658307#Comment_120658307

That's understandable of course. Although a guy could appear to be well off, as in have a nice car, have regular holidays etc but still be broke or in debt. Someone could be on a low wage but is good with money and has decent savings, so I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss someone on a lower wage.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658544#Comment_120658544

So your expectation for the most important relationship in your life is that both partners must be equal or almost equal in all things, how do you actually expect to deal with a life partnership from that? If you had the possibility to advance in your career to a point where your salary would be 4 times your partners, would rejected it and for the two of you to live in poverty instead??? If you had a handicapped child and your partner had a better chance to advance their career than you, would you be agreeable to being the child's primary carer in order to give your family a better financial foundation?

If you can't go out with your partner and enjoy an expensive meal with them and simply pay for it as part of your shared life together without any qualms, then that relationship is not going stand the test of time. Because there will be a lot more difficult challenges you will need to address.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658870#Comment_120658870

Gonna be honest, I'm in the same camp. If you're going out for a year or two and want to go on holiday, the last thing you want is forking out thousands because your better half hasn't a bean to their name.

Probably extreme cases, but I have friends who won't go out with people not earning because they won't be able to afford a house or kids in the near future.

Maybe love conquers all, but when you're in your late 20s, or early 30s and you have a plan, you need a partner who shares the same goals and who can contribute.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658870#Comment_120658870

No theres a massive difference in what you're talking about here and dating. In these situations there has been a decision made to spend life together after falling in love, seeing who the person is, speaking about plans for life and the future.

Meeting someone you want to be on a level and then the decisions you make when you have a life together are two different things.

Mister Vain

I think if you really like the person you should be willing to compromise to an extent. None of us are perfect. Obviously you shouldn't settle either but you have to be realistic.

techman1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120657614#Comment_120657614

That doesn't really add up though. how can there be more single men than single women though? I know there are gay relationships but there are more gay men than gay women , thats from many international studies . Also women live longer than men so it is more likely that a women will be widowed than a man.

Mister Vain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120660264#Comment_120660264

Tis a bit odd alright. There could be lots of men dating more than one woman. Or as Padre said, maybe a man's definition of a relationship differs somewhat from a woman's. Either way its good to know there are more women than men in Ireland. It gives me a small amount of hope. 😄

techman1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120660609#Comment_120660609

You would have to question the credibility of the census with regard to some of these lifestyle and cultural questions. Surely the figures guys in the cso must have realised that this didn't add up based on other known information.

It's as if the cso are looking for gossipy type headlines rather than boring figures normally associated with the cso

taxAHcruel

There is a lot of factors to consider when wondering if those figures "add up" or not.

First as mentioned already - is important to understand how they define "Single". Are widowed people considered single or not for example? If not then the longevity disparity between the sexes will account for some of the differences. Especially as the same census reported a 26% increase in the number of over 70s. They also include only people over 15 in the figures for "Single" without saying if there is currently a bigger disparity in %s there than in the general population between male and female.

Second the census is a self reporting mechanism. If the definition of "Single" is not entirely clear it is possible some people report themselves as being single but someone else not. The term "single" typically refers to individuals who are not currently married or in a legally recognized partnership. It does not necessarily imply that all single individuals are not in any kind of romantic or committed relationship. They may be dating, in cohabiting relationships, or in same-sex partnerships, among other possibilities. The term "single" is often used in census surveys to categorize individuals who are not legally married, regardless of their relationship status.

Third there is the possibility that some people are in relationships with people not included in the Census, such as foreigners.

And finally the exact quote seems to be "There were more single men (52%) than women (48%)." which muddies the waters slightly as they are comparing %s not absolute figures.

So actually the figures do add up pretty well all things considered as there are many variables. But sure - if the quick calculation in my head is correct there is about 130,000 more women in relationships in Ireland than there is men in relationships. So who exactly are these 130,000 women in a relationship with other than widowers? :)

Montage of Feck

Those figure seem a bit off, a lot of men who haven't released the're in a relationship yet, lol.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658870#Comment_120658870

Not at all, I’m only talking about the initial matching, not how either changes in any direction after a relationship has been established. I have a cousin who was a diplomat, met her husband after breaking her leg overseas and being a very decent guy he did all her shopping and practicalities. They had worked in same building. He abandoned his career to be the “house husband” and raise their kids wherever she was posted. He is a quiet man of natural self-confidence and his now adult children speak of having had a great upbringing with their Dad around.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120660609#Comment_120660609

Maybe a lot of men are opting out of marriages and conventional relationships. Would a guy with a steady FWB be deefined as 'single'?

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658933#Comment_120658933

Agreed to a point. But I would simply add that "contributing" is not only or solely about money. In a relationship we (hopefully) are contributing all kinds of things that mutually support and further each other and the relationship itself.

In your example above about going on a holiday and "forking out" the money for it - it is worth wondering how the person in the anecdote is making that money. Are they being facilitated in this by their partner taking care of a multitude of other aspects of their shared life together? The Home life? The Chores? The Administration? The child care? The social calendar? And so on?

In such examples therefore saying "Family X is going on holiday and Person Y is paying for it all because the rest of the family has no money" could be a little reductive.

So I can see both sides really. I can understand why some people find financial equality as a criteria in partner selection. But I can understand too that other people look past that to any number of other criteria.

I know when I entered my relationship I was the highest earner in it - though I was not earning particularly much at the time. My partners were in academia (law) and starting a freelance business (translation and interpretation and mutilingual technical document writing) respectively and between them they could barely earn a bag of beans at the time. I was basically carrying them through this period financially. What they brought to my life however was priceless in many ways.

Now I earn a little more than then - but still quite modest - and am the middle earner in the relationship. I probably come in a good bit ahead of the Freelancer who loves her work - but I am certainly behind the Doctor of Law who alternates her time between academics and actual legal practice and publications on the subject.

At no point was earning or money a criteria in our selection of each other however. And in fact I have turned down several promotions and raises in order to focus more on other aspects of my/our lives and our children's.

So I guess the phrase "each to their own" is rarely more true than in affairs of the heart, huh?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120661724#Comment_120661724

Absolutely, contributing is not at all just about money. But if the other half has little or no earnings, there would be an expectation that they compensate for that, just as the case with my cousin’s husband who mainly raised the kids and did most of the daytime chores. That worked out very well. But in a situation where one partner is not seen to be making efforts re household it will inevitably cause tensions.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120661742#Comment_120661742

I think yes there is an expectation to "compensate" - but that expectation should also be tempered by actual circumstances.

For example while there might be a large disparity in earnings there might not be a large disparity in career effort. When their work day and commute is finished they might - for example - each be investing 10 hours a day 5 days a week.

That should temper the expectation that one should be expected to compensate for their lower earnings. It certainly would not make me personally automatically feel "Well I am earning X times more cash so my partner(s) should be doing X times more effort in the home to make up for that".

Rather I would say "Ok we each lose 10 hours a day 5 days a week pursuing our careers so how can we maximise the remaining time between lifes demands and lifes pleasures so that everyone is as happy as can be?".

It's all about finding a balance I think. And if one feels some knee jerk "expectation" then one should of course listen to that - but be wary of it at the same time. It should inform the overall balance, not control it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120661789#Comment_120661789

I don’t really mean in connection with lower earnings here, that would be a terrible prospect 😱 no I really mean say one does part time work or much shorter hours and earns less on that account. Really what I’m getting at is that it’s important that both parties put an pretty much overall equal effort into sustaining the household/relationship

Mister Vain

I drive a big sports car to compensate for a small... portfolio.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120662261#Comment_120662261

🤣🤣

Zico

Get out there folks, ride and make babies.

We'll be a beautiful country

..and someone will pay for my pension.

Lord Nikon

Irish women have this chip on their shoulders. It's well known how difficult it is to chat up an Irish woman in bar/club, they ignore you completely. Foreign women much prefer to be talked to than Irish women.

CreadanLady

I heard someone saying that the reason a lot of men go for foreign girls is because it is a manifestation of grooming and predatory behaviour in the men who do it. There is this perception that some foreign women have less money, might be lesser educated than the man, less independence, may be less outspoken and opinionated because they come from cultures with less liberal attitudes to women. They might not have the same support structure behind them here. With all that, it is thought that men who go for foreign girls think that they therefore are more compliant, dependent on the man, and more submissive compared to an equivalent Irish or European woman.

One of the women who agreed with this opinion basically summed it up as that men go for foreign girls because the cannot handle women.

The suggestion was basically that it was a sort of predatory grooming behaviour selected against a subset of women who men suppose might be less likely to call them out and challenge them on their mindset.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120662964#Comment_120662964

Cannot think of anyone who would want a drunk slobbering all over them!

Perhaps try to chat to women in places other then bars & clubs?

growleaves

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120663008#Comment_120663008

I can't agree with all that.

Many native Irish, men and women, are usually quite shy and unconfident.

A man looking for a Polish or Latin woman who won't talk back to him is going to be out of luck for the most part. Often, I find, E. European woman especially will say things to you that an Irish woman wouldn't have the nerve to say unless she was drunk. It is quite striking the difference.

All the Brazilians in Dublin know each other and help each other, they are not isolated.

EU girls are very close to home, a 1-3 hour plane flight away and they often come from wealthy countries anyway - former empires like Spain and Portugal or economic powerhouses like Germany or well-off Scandanavia.

I will say though that it is Anglo/English-speaking liberalism/feminism especially that really encourages people to think of life as a political/ideological struggle against others, something which I find extremely unpleasant and it clearly leads to a bureaucratic mindset with expanding lists of rules of conduct, rules of thought and speech, micro-transgressions etc.

To people from more laid back cultures, whether rich like Italy or poor like Brazil or Argentina, it can be seen as a bit of a joke.

I would not have somebody scolding me all the time and trying to 'shape my attitude' according to some political criteria. That said I like both Irish and non-Irish women in general.

growleaves

There was a guy on here (boards) recently who wanted to move out from his houseshare because he 'couldn't handle' his Latin American housemate, a girl who was probably wondering why he was too shy to confront her when she started fights with him.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120663008#Comment_120663008

Definitely something in that, but as someone said Polish )and other women) are assertive about what they want. I think Irish/English lads sometimes perceive East Asian women as being demure and submissive and sometimes in the mail order bride category.

I once had a Polish woman for a boss, intensely disliked by all her colleagues. A total psycho, she would order about Polish tradesmen who would be working on the premises, and did some truly horrible things on staff. She refused to take phone calls from her Irish boyfriend, a guy who sounded very submissive, “tell him I’m busy” and wouldn’t allow him to contact her on the mobile, only via the work landline. One time he was trying to ask her when he’d put on the dinner, that night she deliberately held us all back to leave late to show him who was boss.

That’s only one Polish woman, but she certainly had a major impact on all who encountered her, and blamed everyone else for all the train wrecks she caused.

techman1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120661724#Comment_120661724

So do I understand correctly, you are in a relationship with 2 women at the same time and they are all OK with that? Whats in it for them ? Are you loaded or a celebrity or something. I cannot imagine too many women willing to have a have a relationship like that unless there is something exceptional involved

CPTM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120662964#Comment_120662964

They don't ignore you if you are somebody. If you're really interesting or funny or stand out in a positive way due to looks or success or charisma. The thing is that so many Irish guys aren't any of those things, and don't work hard enough on themselves to get there. And on the flip side, so many foreign girls find just 'being Irish' as interesting and attractive. Hence, you find a common cocktail of foreign girl + Irish guy who hasn't done anything noteworthy.

It's weird that some people think that therefore means he's predatory. He's just resourceful! Find him an equally physically attractive Irish girl who finds his nothingness interesting and attractive and I promise he'll just as quick run off with her!

pgj2015

Saying an Irish guy with a foreign woman is being predatory is a really nasty thing to say and stupid. Irish men might treat them a lot better than the men from their own countries.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120664081#Comment_120664081

It’s only predatory if it’s under age.

Otherwise it’s usually a win win situation for both.

Mister Vain

I used to work with a fella who was a bit of an oddball. He didn't drink and was socially awkward. He ended up marrying a Filipina. Anyway a new guy who had just started found a photo of his wife on facebook, thinking it was the wife of another guy in the company with the same name. He was like, "look at the state of your mans wife" as he held the phone up to us. The guy says "that's my wife ye bollocks" Oh jaysus the poor fúcker wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. 🤣

Avon8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120663008#Comment_120663008

Christ almighty. "Grooming and Predatory"? So Irish men who'll go for foreigners are basically taking advantage of the 'poor ignorant compliant and submissive' foreigner, who themselves has actually been adventurous and independent enough to move to a foreign country for work or a new experience

Easy to imagine who exactly would be spewing this as well. The very typical modern angry stereotype, perplexed and seething that a regular Irish man might hit it off with a pretty foreigner

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120664268#Comment_120664268

Basically if you are an Irish man with a foreign wife/girlfriend, expect Chris Hansen to make an appearance at any time with a camera crew.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120662964#Comment_120662964

As with so many things where I am told "It is well known" - I somehow never found it to be true in my own direct experience. I have never had the impression either that "Irish Women" are some kind of monolithic unit that all act the same. So when I hear someone claim that all these Irish women are ignoring them in a bar or a club - I start to suspect that it is the speaker, not all these varied Irish Women - is the common denominator here. If you are finding that you are regularly ignored in bars and clubs by a diverse and large number of women - perhaps you are somehow the issue?

A slightly related anecdote which I have told on this site before. I have a great friend who was single for a very long time. We his friends always loved him dearly and thought he was great. So this was a mystery to us. Eventually he approached me and asked me for help with this as it was getting him seriously depressed and lonely. He _really really_ wanted to get into a relationship. So I went out with him "on the pull" and even took him speed dating. Basically as soon as he was approaching a woman with any kind of intent he totally changed. We never knew this. He barely recognized it himself. And his approach was to put it mildly _truly awful_ and off putting. He too had all kinds of ideas about why women did not like him just like your "Oh it must just be Irish women". But it really was not the case. It really was him that was the issue.

It took a bit of work to shock him out of it and change a few things. And when eventually we went out again - including to speed dating again - everything changed. In fact he got more phone number hits than no hits in the speed dating. Had a few successful meetups from that. And is currently for quite some time now still in a relationship with a woman he met on that night.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120663653#Comment_120663653

Indeed, we are together since I was 27. I am 44 now. House. Animals. Vegetable garden. 4 kids with the 4th being a toddler. All going well. As I wrote in the post you replied to however I am not "loaded" at all. We have very modest incomes in fact and I have turned down a number of promotions and raises where accepting them would have skewed my work-life balance. I do quite a lot of pursuits in my life and really apply myself to parenting. So I try to limit how much of my life time I invest in career and I certainly would not have the time for celebrity culture :)