Dad settling baby

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm a new dad to a 2 month old boy.
I'm having difficulty soothing and settling the baby where as my wife has no issue at all. The baby is being breast feed so there is that bond there with mother and baby. I'm trying all the same technique that baby's mother is doing but without success. I could be trying for an hour but the instant the baby is in mothers arms he settles.

This is pretty disheartening for me. I've taken load of time off work, helping out as much, doing all the nappy changing, bathing etc. I get all the smiles and giggles which is great but I just want to me able to do more. Its very frustrating. Is this something I have to accept at this age or is there something else I can do?
I'm walking, carrying, rocking, using skin to skin, using soothers, singing but very little helps when baby is upset bar giving him to mother.

catrionanic

First off, you sound like a wonderful dad! Your little man and his mammy are very lucky to have you.

Just keep doing what you're doing and he will come round. Babies are particularly clingy to their mothers in the first three months of life (Google the "4th trimester" if you haven't already), and usually become easier to settle around the three month mark.

In the meantime, just keep doing what you have been doing. One thing I've heard can help is taking an item of mums clothing - a cardigan or a blanket that smells like her, and drape it between baby and you. Baby gets reassured by his mother's scent and calms more easily.

If mum expresses milk for bottles at all, you could do the odd feed too. Just make sure mum isn't around though- he won't want the bottled stuff when he can get it on draught!

helimachoptor

Had the same issue, as said above just takes time and patience

drunkmonkey

Go for a pint, nothing much you can do for a bit while their drinking the draught. Enjoy this time as it'll all change when she starts brining the bottle in slowly.

ParkRunner

Music works wonders for me. They stop crying in seconds if you rock them to music, depending on their tastes of course :-)

pooch90

Just keep doing as you are.
Some babies are just like that. My 17 month old wouldn't look at anyone until he was about a year. Be there for your partner, pick up the slack around the house etc.
Remember, baby just spent 40 odd weeks with the sound of mammy's heart soothing them, it's safe and means home. Try not to be too put out.

shesty

It's ok OP, we have a 10 week old and despite it being our third, same thing happens here.Especially if baby if BF, sometimes just being on mother's chest listening to that heartbeat is all they want.It's not your fault, you are doing everything right. keep doing it, have faith, your time will come :-)

bee06

My little boy was the same. I remember being exhausted because I was the only one who could settle him and my husband was guilty he couldn’t help. You just need to wait it out. You’ll get there eventually.

awec

This is pretty normal I'd say.

My daughter is 5 1/2 months and when she gets properly grouchy I am pretty much useless, she just wants the boob and nothing else. I've tried all the tricks and none worked. So don't be disheartened if your baby refuses to take a bottle from you no matter what you do, sometimes they want the boob and nothing else (in my daughters case "sometimes" is really "all the time").

appledrop

We never had that issue in fact my husband was better at settling baby than me at times! He wasn't breastfeed though so that was probably it as he was used to us both feeding him. Maybe your wife could express so you could feed the baby more to build up the bond?

_Brian

One of my girls went through a phase of night terrors.

Nothing on earth would settle her but getting into her mams arms.

I tried but it just didn’t work.


It’s not a personal thing, and there’s loads of other stuff to help with.

Last thing I say to any new parent, “nothing lasts forever, whatever bother or problem your facing will pass, even if it just means your moving onto another wee problem, just have patience”

awec

appledrop wrote: »

We never had that issue in fact my husband was better at settling baby than me at times! He wasn't breastfeed though so that was probably it as he was used to us both feeding him. Maybe your wife could express so you could feed the baby more to build up the bond?

In my experience what's in the bottle makes no difference, they just don't want a bottle.

appledrop

It probably is different if baby is breastfeed. It must be very hard going though on mother as she then has to do all the feeds.

Experienced the same here for months. Fast forward and I'm the only one who can get our 2 year old to sleep now!

pooch90

I was just going to say that!
Now, the 17 month old will only go to sleep for daddy.

mojesius

Our daughter (6 months, breastfed) was the same at that age. However, I used to hand her to daddy for the post feed windings (he was far more effective at it than me) and she'd fall asleep in his arms.

I started getting back into a bit of my routine (somewhat) at 3-4 Mths, e.g exercise classes, meeting friends and daddy found new ways to settle her because Mammy wasn't there. For example, he'd play and sing different types of music and voices discovering that she loves Dean Martin, Luke Kelly, Strauss. Sinatra, Ronnie Drew, Beethoven, not so much.

He'd stick her in the carrier and walk around with her on him for hours, going down the village or doing the housework etc. They're thick as thieves now. Baby massage is also a great settler at that age


Give it time but I'd suggest sending mammy off a few times a week (once you're supplied with milk) and both of you will find a rhythm of your own.

kastasia

Nearly thought my other half had written this! My 10 week old has loads of giggles for his dad, but when it comes down to it, he wants me. I've only managed to be away from him for a few times, max 1.5 hours and it's getting a bit tiring. Been trying to get him to take bottle (expressed milk) but no great success. I'm going out for dinner with since friends tomorrow night, been looking forward to it for ages. I've asked my mam to come over and help out. On the one hand, my husband will need to be able to do this on his own, but on the other, I don't want to stress him and I really want to enjoy the night.

cbyrd

Congratulations! Could you try using a top that mum has worn, the comfort of the scent of his mother might help him settle. It won't always be like this, some days you'll be only too glad to hand him back

jelly&icecream

This is pretty normal! Keep doing what you're doing! My daughter was the same. Now aged 2 my husband is the only one who can put her to bed without world war 3 ensuing...

Glass fused light

Don't forget the old trick of the putting her PJ top on your shoulder so the baby is still smelling mammy too.

ThunbergsAreGo

Its a killer isnt it! but it does get better

The few things I found that worked where
- Bring them for a walk (if the goal is to get them to sleep), the bassinet was great and let my wife have a break
- Music, mine ended up and still loves to go asleep to Hey Jude these days
- Baby sling (this was a game changer for us), pop it on with the baby, dont stress and hopefully he/she will drift off

Its important to remember you can do everything APART from provide milk. We went through this and as time went passed it switch from mammy only to sleep to me being able to get him down better (once the breastfeeding stops)

Getting them to sleep is just one part of being a parent and you seem to be really involved. Dont stress it, it will all come in time

Pawwed Rig

Don't be disheartened. Babies are fickle as fook. Mine randomly preferred me one minute and mammy the next. Just enjoy the time and know that being involved will generate a long term bond.

Sitric

Don't stress it man, smell is the first part of starting to feed for breast fed babies. At this stage you are not going to be as comforting as the mother. Help out in other ways.

Whoever said they asked their mother to come over the first time they went out, genius! I nearly had a melt down the first time she went out for dinner with friends. Is she hungry? Sore? WTF, why won't she stop crying/screaming?! And two mins after her mother came home - asleep.

After a while, and particularly as they get older it's grand.

cherryghost

Heh, our daughter is 7 months old. I've still not been able to settle her well, only when she's completely shattered, despite many many months of trying. Now I just tend to put her in the pram and wheel her around our kitchen til she falls asleep. My wife has no issues putting her to sleep at any point.

seamus

Peaks and troughs. At other times the baby will cry out for your cuddles.

With our second we got into a rhythm in mornings and evenings where my wife would feed her, then hand her to me and go to bed. I'd cuddle the baby for 15/20 minutes, she'd drop off and I'd stick her in the basket.

Fast forward 18 months and she still settles a little better in my arms. Far from refusing my wife, she will settle fine, but when I do the bedtime routine, she noticeably settles more quickly.

Our first was a nightmare to settle. The only thing that worked for either of us was sticking her in the pram and going for a walk. Even at 5am :eek:

Pawwed Rig

seamus wrote: »

Our first was a nightmare to settle. The only thing that worked for either of us was sticking her in the pram and going for a walk. Even at 5am :eek:

Our first was harder to settle too but I put that down to parental learning curve.

Bacchus

OP, you sound a lot like where I was in the first 5-6 months. No matter what I did, especially in those first 4 months, it was only Mom that could settle her to sleep. Well, actually, the first 6 weeks were grand, as long as she was on one of us she'd nod right off but she soon developed much more of a "need" for Mom to sleep. That was exacerbated by fixing her tongue tie which put everything 100% on mom. Gradually near around 5 months I'd be able to settler her "back" to sleep if she stirred but still couldn't put her down in the first place. Some time close to month 6 we moved her into her own room and took the opportunity to do a full on clean break from the old routine. We followed the Lucy Wolfe gentle sleep approach... first night took about an hour to go to sleep, second night less, and by the 3rd night she was going to sleep by herself (with me putting her down) in about 10-15 minutes.

So.... stick at it. There's no magic fix, the lure of "mama" is going to go against you for a while longer, it will take time but it will turn around completely. Work with what is working for you both now and don't stress trying to force something that isn't working for your son. For us, we accepted the situation for 3 months and I picked up slack in other ways. Now, at about 20 months, I am the only one who can put her down at night (she loves mom too much to let her leave the room but I can put her down and walk right out )

RiseToMe

Our little one was breastfed and I was really nervous that my wife would be exhausted and be burned out if the little one would only settle for her.

So the usual of skin to skin etc at the hospital and then when we got home I used to get up with her for the night feeds and and take her after to settle her, but again skin so skin. We used a baby box for the first six months and I put her on my side of the bed so I could be the one that settled her in the night. Other things such as both using the same shower gel etc.

Now at 11 months we have the bedtime routine of bath then bed, so we switch roles every night, one does bath the other bed and the next night the other way around.

Bacchus

RiseToMe wrote: »

Other things such as both using the same shower gel etc.

That's a great idea. I did the "draping my wife's top over me" thing so she'd get the smell of mom but it didn't help much... at all. The shower gel thing is a nice tip... note to self for future

The One Doctor

NewDad1 wrote: »

Hi all

I'm a new dad to a 2 month old boy.
I'm having difficulty soothing and settling the baby where as my wife has no issue at all. The baby is being breast feed so there is that bond there with mother and baby. I'm trying all the same technique that baby's mother is doing but without success. I could be trying for an hour but the instant the baby is in mothers arms he settles.

This is pretty disheartening for me. I've taken load of time off work, helping out as much, doing all the nappy changing, bathing etc. I get all the smiles and giggles which is great but I just want to me able to do more. Its very frustrating. Is this something I have to accept at this age or is there something else I can do?
I'm walking, carrying, rocking, using skin to skin, using soothers, singing but very little helps when baby is upset bar giving him to mother.

Same here, but my daughter's now 3.5 and has settled for me since about 4-5 months. However, we went over to combo feeding in the first week (baby was losing too much weight) which helped hugely.

Patience, you're doing the right things.

goose06

A bit late to this but with my 2, newest is just shy of 4 months, if I try to soothe them the same way as their mammy it's a recipe for disaster so ive just figured out what works for me and them rather than trying to replicate what their mam does. they are smart enough to know the difference between their parents. At this stage now the younger will generally go to bed at night quicker for me but babies being babies that'll change next week and she'll only want her mammy.