My son is not mine

LegacyUser

OP here

I really appreciate all the replies to my dilemma, thanks for taking the time. I posted two days ago but my post did not appear on thread for some reason. Here's some general responses to peoples thoughts...

DNA test wise, everything was done above board and legally. Its easy to get tests done in Ireland. The two labs that done the tests seem to be top notch, ISO accredited etc etc. I will say to anyone reading that is in a similar situation that it is tough on your conscience to do a test, its a very strange feeling & be prepared.

Regarding me being naive, yes I agree with that sentiment, definitely. Thinking back to the time of the 12 week scan, I was terrified that my questioning was damaging our fledgling relationship and pushing her away. Had I known about home DNA tests then I quite possibly would have done it then. I'm not sure the service was available in the late 90's early 00's though.

Thinking back, after he was born, all the doubts were forgotten about. I was told by many of people that he looks like my family, but is this just something people say, I don't know. It was only when we got married and things started to go wrong sometime into the marriage that the paternity doubts resurfaced. This is horrible but in a way I think I was looking for a way out that her family could not blame me on. My experience with her family when we first broke up was torture. I also was exploring all roads to try explain my wife's behavior. Only a small part of me expected the test to come back with bad news.

Some good points were made regarding the right time to tell him. He has two more years left in college, I'm thinking when he graduates would be the best time although I'm still pondering that. I'm firmly on the side of the fence that he should know.

I don't know what to do about my wife. I'm still not 100% convinced she knows herself. Perhaps she is in denial, I don't know. How can anyone have the nerve to do that? Although she is not perfect (who is), I cant see her going through with such a deception. I cant understand how she would purposely put him in danger (some points on thread about his family medical history are things I never really thought about). She is mad about the lad. Maybe the thought of hurting him so bad is what keeps her maintaining the lie.

Knowing my wife like I do, I think if I presented her with the evidence, she would at most pretend she did not know herself. If she had lied up to this point, she would be capable of anything. I don't know how anyone can have the nerve to do such a thing, maybe she is in a deep state of denial and genuinely believes I am the dad, or is that my naivety once again?

Thanks again for taking the time to read, it has been helpful to me.

ManOfMystery

husband&dad wrote: »

I don't know what to do about my wife. I'm still not 100% convinced she knows herself. 

I'm on the other side of the fence. How could she not know? As I said earlier, there's no real grey area here, which could be the case if she had been having intercourse with multiple men at the same time. The original case folder showed the conception date was before you two met. Doctors don't pluck these dates out of thin air; they're normally fairly accurate. 

I believe wholly that she lied, and has continued to lie. She's probably hoped it would never come out. 

Why she lied could be another story in itself. Perhaps it was a one night stand and she felt shame, perhaps she didn't want a child out of wedlock, perhaps she had an ongoing thing with the biological father but he was bad news, who knows. 

It's time for the perpetuation of these lies to end; 3 lives are affected directly by this 19-year deception, and many more indirectly. You need to demand the truth, and no less. And I think if you continue to be prepared to accept that she genuinely believed you were the father, it will be an extremely naive choice and will not do anything to help end the perpetuation of this situation. Perhaps you should highlight to her that she really now has no choice but to be truthful; once your son knows, he may seek out his biological father, and the truth may come out then anyhow. Surely it would better coming from her mouth.

Bandana boy

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm on the other side of the fence. How could she not know? As I said earlier, there's no real grey area here, which could be the case if she had been having intercourse with multiple men at the same time. The original case folder showed the conception date was before you two met. Doctors don't pluck these dates out of thin air; they're normally fairly accurate. 

I believe wholly that she lied, and has continued to lie. She's probably hoped it would never come out. 

Why she lied could be another story in itself. Perhaps it was a one night stand and she felt shame, perhaps she didn't want a child out of wedlock, perhaps she had an ongoing thing with the biological father but he was bad news, who knows. 

It's time for the perpetuation of these lies to end; 3 lives are affected directly by this 19-year deception, and many more indirectly. You need to demand the truth, and no less. And I think if you continue to be prepared to accept that she genuinely believed you were the father, it will be an extremely naive choice and will not do anything to help end the perpetuation of this situation. Perhaps you should highlight to her that she really now has no choice but to be truthful; once your son knows, he may seek out his biological father, and the truth may come out then anyhow. Surely it would better coming from her mouth.

People can make themselves believe anything , You tell a lie often enough it can be hard to remember its not the truth

professore

I think you need a good heart to heart with your wife. If she keeps denying it I would be done as she clearly thinks you are a gullible idiot who would believe literally anything.

To be 100% clear there is NO excuse for deception like this, you did nothing wrong. There might be good reasons in her head she didn't tell you. I wouldn't be surprised if her family knew all along she was pregnant from the other guy - as others have alluded to it could be rape / incest or anything. I am very doubtful though since she put the conception date from before you got together - that's a major major red flag, as it would suggest she had a good idea when it happened and it wasn't ongoing abuse or anything. None of that justifies deceiving you though.

Where I grew up it was common knowledge that certain girls did this to "make a decent woman of her" - i.e. get pregnant with some guy who had no interest in her and then go crazy after another guy who would be "out of his league" - in her head - to marry. There were even some kids who were the spitting image of some other man in the town. If she was very sexual from the start this would point very much that way.

Did she have boyfriends before you knew her?

ManOfMystery

Bandana boy wrote: »

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm on the other side of the fence. How could she not know? As I said earlier, there's no real grey area here, which could be the case if she had been having intercourse with multiple men at the same time. The original case folder showed the conception date was before you two met. Doctors don't pluck these dates out of thin air; they're normally fairly accurate. 

I believe wholly that she lied, and has continued to lie. She's probably hoped it would never come out. 

Why she lied could be another story in itself. Perhaps it was a one night stand and she felt shame, perhaps she didn't want a child out of wedlock, perhaps she had an ongoing thing with the biological father but he was bad news, who knows. 

It's time for the perpetuation of these lies to end; 3 lives are affected directly by this 19-year deception, and many more indirectly. You need to demand the truth, and no less. And I think if you continue to be prepared to accept that she genuinely believed you were the father, it will be an extremely naive choice and will not do anything to help end the perpetuation of this situation. Perhaps you should highlight to her that she really now has no choice but to be truthful; once your son knows, he may seek out his biological father, and the truth may come out then anyhow. Surely it would better coming from her mouth.

People can make themselves believe anything , You tell a lie often enough it can be hard to remember its not the truth

Small things, sure. 

But the parentage of your only child? I don't think she's convinced herself of anything, she's just kept up a lie for 2 decades.

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Just on the issue of telling your son. I don't think you should put this off for two years.
As it is, he is going to think his mother kept this secret from him for years, I don't think you doing the same is a good idea.
Yes he will need a lot of support but from what I have read you are clearly his father in all but dna, & are willing to do whatever you can for him.

ManOfMystery

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OP posted this:
"She told me that there was no possibility that anyone but myself could be the father. She did have casual boyfriends before she met me but she promised that the last time she was with anyone in a way that could result in pregnancy was a couple of months before we met. We spoke about this for a couple of weeks, she wasn't to communicative though. "

Given the current DNA result, there are only 2 possible scenarios. The wife was either lying, or else she was somehow inseminated without her knowledge - which would imply rape whilst she was passed out or asleep. However if this was even a possibility - which she must have considered when her partner questioned the conception/gestation dates - then surely she would have wanted to know exactly what happened to her and who did it? Being non-communicative about things would imply to me she was lying.

steddyeddy

The DNA results (99%) accuracy reveal the OP's wife had sex with someone else around the time the OP did. It would be extremely hard to believe that she didn't know. If she did know then I would advise the OP to leave. It sounds like an unhappy marriage anyway so couple that with a wife who lies about her son's parentage and you have a very toxic relationship.

Payton

I kind of know what your your going through.
20 odd years ago my ex wife whilst drunk accused me of not being the father of my daughter. For the 20 years I debated with myself on what to do. Break up the family and destroy my daughter's and son's world, i stayed and held the secret until a tragic incident accured and I had to tell my daughter who was 23 at the time..I offered DNA testing but she declined Her response was "You'll always be my father..my dad and no one can ever take your place" my daughter is the spit of me in ever mannerism and my beautiful grandson is like me too, when he was born my daughter said to me there is definitely no doubt in your daughter.
Your life must be in such upheaval and taughts racing through your head.
What ever way you handle this there will be years and heartbreak yet I dont think you'll give up on this lad. You reared him, you loved him, you showed him how to be a boy and a man, you showed him wrong from right and he seems to be doing well for himself and thats down to you.
Do what feels right for you. Yes there will be no going back from this yet what ever happens you can't put it back together.
Forgivnesss is something we all find, you did what you knew best at the time and that cant be taken away.
What I will say is you need to protect yourself and the man that you reared as your son.
Best of luck.

Sun in Capri

I would say you need to tell your son but be careful with the timing. Telling him at the same time as breaking up with your wife may make him think he is the reason for the breakup. How you tell him is important in my view.

SimpleDimples

Hi Op,

There are a lot parts to your situation and it may help to break them done seperately.

Firstly, the situation with regard to your wife.
- I don't believe she couldn't know the true
- However, there is a strong possibility that she has convienced herself (wrongly) over time that everything has worked out for the best & she has rationalised the lie as a result
- where do you see your relationship now, can you forgive her? Move past it or is what she has done too big for you to forgive?
- will the truth have any impact on this? If it was rape or abuse, whether she knows the identity of the father or not etc?
- do you think that you can move forward or not?
- it's only right that she owns the lie and also considers how to tell your son?
- is counselling an option and could you both discuss the issue in a controlled environment?

Secondly, your son-

- it takes a lot more than DNA to be a father to a child & in every sense of the work you are his father in terms of raising him and providing for him?
- i presume this changes nothing in terms of how you love him & the relationship you have with him?

You have a lot to process and I really could recommend counselling to get your own thoughts clear before you speak to either of them.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks everyone.

@ Sun in Capri - Thanks, that is a very good point.

@ SimpleDimples - If I were to confront her and she was to deny it, man, what a scary scenario. I'm now seriously considering saying it, I fear she will deny it, I'm trying to run over all the possible scenarios in my head. She could not deny the scientific facts but she could pretend she was being genuine all along, maybe she was? I'm thinking she will not be able to go nuclear, doing so would alert everyone.

The most helpful outcome would be having an explanation for some of our problems over the years. If she were to hold her hands up and admit it, maybe there would be a way forward. Knowing my wife, I think this is unlikely.

Absolutely nothing changes with regard my son. He is my best friend and my child no matter what. I am a pretty open minded person, strangely, I don't think I mind that there is another man out there with his DNA. I wonder does he (bio father) know? I have considered that if he is in the dark then he has missed out.

@ ....... - This is the very reason I wanted to discuss here on boards.ie, I need to think about every angle. Thanks.

Jeff2

I wish I could pm the op as I don't want post stuff.
But if you leave your wife before or after you tell your son you are not his biological father he might think he is to blame.

She knew for sure.

Stick by him as the dad you are whatever happens.

bilbot79

OP you seem trapped in all these what if scenarios. Like there is a real fear about approaching her on anything. I get the impression you avoid conflict at all costs and instead bite your tongue and accept what you're given from her. She makes your rules.

You need to tell her you know the truth. You've been seriously used and she has just had her cake and ate it the whole time.

Go tell her you know. She'll respect you for it.

Jeff2

bilbot79 wrote: »

Go tell her you know. She'll respect you for it.

Like she respected him with 20 year lie.?

bilbot79

Jeff2 wrote: »

Like she respected him with 20 year lie.?

No she didn't and he never questioned anything. If he confronts her she'll prob say 'didn't know he had it in him'.

She is a strange strange character in this. Back then it was probably some weird maternal instinct saying my child needs a father but his real dad doesn't want to know. There is a serious lack of integrity though

Jeff2

bilbot79 wrote: »

No she didn't and he never questioned anything. If he confronts her she'll prob say 'didn't know he had it in him'.

She is a strange strange character in this. Back then it was probably some weird maternal instinct saying my child needs a father but his real dad doesn't want to know. There is a serious lack of integrity though

So what your saying is it was find to say your the the dad just to sort it out.?

bilbot79

Jeff2 wrote: »

So what your saying is it was find to say your the the dad just to sort it out.?

There or thereabouts

Jeff2

bilbot79 wrote: »

There or thereabouts

So what do you do when found out.?

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ManOfMystery

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Or drunken sexual activity where she didnt remember when she woke up that they had gone as far as they did.

Or consensual sober sexual activity where she was not aware a condom had broken. She may have disregarded something like this as "I couldnt have gotten pregnant then, we used a condom".

[/quote]
Once again I'll quote the OP.
She told me that there was no possibility that anyone but myself could be the father. She did have casual boyfriends before she met me but she promised that the last time she was with anyone in a way that could result in pregnancy was a couple of months before we met

[font=Open Sans, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Both of your points fall into my first scenario - she lied. It seems pretty black and white to me. She made it abundantly clear to the OP that there was no possibility any scenario like this occurred. [/font]

Of course, nothing's impossible - she could have had a blackout or been drugged for an entire day and have no recollection of any events. But I think we start going down that road, it's a bit of a stretch of the imagination. Sometimes the most obvious answer - she lied - is the correct one.

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ManOfMystery

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I disagree.

Its cant be a lie if you dont know yourself that you had sex.

I do not dispute that she may be lying, but I also think that there are other reasonable scenarios that should be considered.

In any case, he can never prove she lied. She can tell him that she believed he was the father and there is no way of disputing that no matter what you privately think. All he can do is ask for all 3 of them to have DNA tests to establish exactly who is related to who.

Given that his relationship with the wife is over anyway it hardly matters now whether or not she lied except for someone to tell the kid that he is not biologically related to his father.[/quote]

If she didn't know she had sex, how could she have consented? Isn't that rape - my 2nd possible scenario?

I would argue that for the OP's own peace of mind, for the son's potential future relationship with his biological father, and for the mother to potentially absolve herself of any guilt she's been carrying, whether or not she lied and the reason why she lied is actually hugely important.

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ManOfMystery

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Im not really sure why you want to keep hammering your point home. I disagree with you. I think there are scenarios where a woman may have gotten pregnant and not realised and then in good faith claimed she had not done anything that might have been a pregnancy risk. I have outlined them. You seem keen to box any alternative situation into a stretch of imagination or a lie. Not sure why unless you are projecting.
[/quote]
I'm not projecting. 


I'm suggesting that the reality of the situation - according to his wife's own words - are that she either lied, or had sex without her knowledge, which is what we call rape. Of course there are scenarios where a woman can get pregnant unknowingly, but his wife discounted this already. I see no need to make any other excuses for her situation because doing so only feeds the doubt in the OP's mind with regards to how he approaches things; doubt which has already led to 19yrs of inaction, secret DNA tests, and one almighty hell of a mess which may leave this family fractured. 


But fair enough, we will agree to disagree.

professore

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I think if it was a court case I would have to convict her on the "beyond reasonable doubt" test that the knew she was pregnant with someone else's child. That coupled with her lukewarm behaviour over the years towards the OP. Occam's razor is appropriate here.

If the OP had been found in bed with another woman we could say he was drugged, he was asleep and she crawled into bed with him etc etc. but the most likely and only reasonable explanation is that he's lying. And none of you would be making up these what if scenarios. Same goes here.

The doubts are really really stretching credibility tbh. Reminds me of the Shaggy song "It wasn't me".

Ultimate Seduction

Didn't have sexual intercourse and the pregnancy happened before ye even got together. Of course she knows. She lied.

to point out once that there are extremely unlikely but possible circumstances in which she might not have willingly and knowingly deceived the OP for two decades is fair enough.

i think continuing to push this possibility as if it were anything other than a .01% chance is a bit of a reach

best of luck OP. I think you have to remove yourself from the attitude of fear that you're going to upset your wife/relationship. as things stand and for all you know its all been based on a very serious untruth.

you owe it to yourself to satisfy your questions regardless of what you stand to lose relationship wise and i think with a bit of distance you'd begin to see that.

hopefully your relationship with your son is strong enough to withstand a matter of simple biology, which as others have said is an overrated factor in parenting.

i wouldnt delay in tellin him once youve addressed it with your wife. hes old enough and has a right to know the truth, for your sake and his.

_Whimsical_

Is your relationship with your son good? As others have pointed out here there's a big difference between a dad and a biological father.

You're always going to be his dad in your heart and in his. I wouldn't be nearly so worried here about your wife. She has deceived you and she was very wrong to do so. There are two victims here, two people whose whole world will be thrown in chaos, you and your son. You need to try and focus on the two of you.

I'm not someone who believes the truth always sets you free. I'm not sure telling him is the wisest thing at this point in his life, these are such formative years, major emotional trauma can throw a life off course easily at 19. I think you need to have got your head around things and be feeling as emotionally stable as possible before you tell him. He'll need you when he hears, he will need to be angry, maybe to lean on you, maybe to push you away temporarily. You have to be in the best state possible to handle all that and do no damage to your relationship with him.

It's a horrible position to be in, you've lost your faith in your relationship and you've found out there's no biological link with your son, but remember you haven't lost him. Biology changes very little, it doesn't erase 19 years of love. It doesn't create a real connection where no relationship has existed before. Think carefully before you act where he is concerned. Maybe try to see a counselor to talk things through for yourself. You really need some support right now for yourself.