Lonely and never had a girlfriend.

mach1982

Maybe this the wrong place anyway I'm 36 and never had a girlfriend, I tried online dating, wast of time. I live in the middle of nowhere at home with my mum, my dad died 9 years ago. I recently became an uncle as my sister in law is an only child I am the kids only uncle. Sometimes I get really lonely, my brother got his family, my mum her my aunts and uncles, am while the family is great they are family. I know I am overweight, but a good person though my views are very conservative, and sometimes I feel ashamed of them and think sometimes I can come across as arrogant, which I am not I just very socially awkward, to be honest, I just don't get people, also I think I could on autism spectrum, I haven't got a clue how to meet anyone. I am a geek I like computers and sci-fi.I really want to find that special person. They say there is some out there for everyone but I am starting to doubt it.

GoneHome

mach1982 wrote: »

I like computers and sci-fi.I really want to find that special person

Would you try joining a Facebook sci-fi page and you might find out about sci-fi fests/meet ups and maybe you might meet someone with similar interests that way

Rubberchikken

You dont mention work. Are you employed? If so do you mix eith co workers?
Conservative views ate ok. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Once its not been shoved down everyone elses throat with no regard for opposite opinion then thetes no need to feel any shame.

If your overweight and feel this is an issue then do something about it.
How much online dating have you tried? You cant give up at the first hurdle. Keep trying.
If you feel youre on the autism spectrum then get a professional diagnosis.
If youre interests are computers and sci fi try to find clubs/classes you could join. Some women like those things too.
Good luck

Joe Don Dante

positive thinking Buddy

mach1982

Rubberchikken wrote: »

You dont mention work. Are you employed? If so do you mix eith co workers?
Conservative views ate ok. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Once its not been shoved down everyone elses throat with no regard for opposite opinion then thetes no need to feel any shame.

If your overweight and feel this is an issue then do something about it.
How much online dating have you tried? You cant give up at the first hurdle. Keep trying.
If you feel youre on the autism spectrum then get a professional diagnosis.
If youre interests are computers and sci fi try to find clubs/classes you could join. Some women like those things too.
Good luck

Work:
Last year I got let go after a few months, before that i was in the same job for 10 years. I now upskilling and doing a Big Data course with my local etb.

Gym:
Went last year, mainly though a good place to meet people, all gym goes want is do their work out. It was fun, at first, but one mun knew , if did not go one days i said would either due been tired from work or just too stressed he say i given it up .

Dating.
Singed up to POF, twice first was disaster, last time no answers must have contacted over 50 women. Also I'm on badoo and bubble

Autusim:
I am getting tested soon. I also dyslexic , an very self conscious and hate written communication, as people seem to judge you intelligence on you written communication

Clubs:
I live in sticks, there nothing,I do volunteer with the Coder Dojo . People in Dublin forget they have everything on their door step, good transport things to do.

Alanstrainor

Do you drive? You'll have to get this idea of living in the middle of no where out of your head. If you have access to a car you can get out to events without too much bother I would think. Yes it might be a bit annoying, but the other option isn't great either...

milli milli

mach1982 wrote: »

I live in sticks, there nothing,I do volunteer with the Coder Dojo . People in Dublin forget they have everything on their door step, good transport things to do.

OP would you consider moving? You say your mum has her sisters and brothers so I assume she has a good family network? Or does she need to be cared for?
Have you ever lived away from home? I think it would do you a whole world of good to move to a decent sized town or city. Also would be easier to meet (and I’d imagine, entertain) ladies!

mach1982

milli milli wrote: »

OP would you consider moving? You say your mum has her sisters and brothers so I assume she has a good family network? Or does she need to be cared for?
Have you ever lived away from home? I think it would do you a whole world of good to move to a decent sized town or city. Also would be easier to meet (and I’d imagine, entertain) ladies!

I was planing to move out before my Dad die, he did everything around the house, he die and I had to stay at home, any way the house means more to than anything as my Dad I built it, and i couldn't afford to move out.

I went to London for a few days, ans loved it , it too short though.

RossieMan

A bit more a real answer for you here, but if you don't change any of your circumstances, how do you expect a different result?

You need to feel good about yourself first. Get back to the gym, get a proper diet, lose the weight.
Stop using food as a comfort.


Nothing wrong with having sci-fi and computers for an interest. Maybe look for something else that interests you? Do you spent most of your day on the computer?

You aren't unloveable op. But you need to start loving yourself first and stop using location as your reason for not having anyone. It's not an excuse. You're the problem. Your behaviour is all pity towards yourself. Do something about it.

Liam McPoyle

mach1982 wrote: »

Work:
Last year I got let go after a few months, before that i was in the same job for 10 years. I now upskilling and doing a Big Data course with my local etb.

So you arent currently working? Speaking from experience thats a hure on ones confidence. Would you consider looking for bar work or similar til you finish your upskilling? Being in the unemployment rut is hard to get out of.

mach1982 wrote: »

Gym:
Went last year, mainly though a good place to meet people, all gym goes want is do their work out. It was fun, at first, but one mun knew , if did not go one days i said would either due been tired from work or just too stressed he say i given it up .

The best time to exercise is when you are stressed out. Ive never been one for fitness but as someone that has had issues with depression I can say for certain that exercising is great for the mind and the soul. You dont need to join a gym, get a decent pair of trainers and go walking. Stick in your earphones and head off for a wander a few evenings a week. You'd be surprised how quickly you get back into it and how good you feel after it.

mach1982 wrote: »

Dating.
Singed up to POF, twice first was disaster, last time no answers must have contacted over 50 women. Also I'm on badoo and bubble

Online dating is an awful medium if ones self confidence is low. There is an online dating forum on Boards. Its been a few years since I was on the forum but people used to offer to review eachothers profiles ie the ladies would look at the lads profiles and vice versa. It was a fantastic way for people to get some honest feedback from the opposite sex about how to make their profile more attractive.

mach1982 wrote: »

Autusim:
I am getting tested soon. I also dyslexic , an very self conscious and hate written communication, as people seem to judge you intelligence on you written communication

To be honest, if someone has an issue with you having dyslexia then they arent worth your time anyway. Its remarkably common and from reading your posts here I'd say its on the milder end of dyslexia. Try using spell check before sending an email (eg if you are on a dating site). In terms of autism, tbh Im of the opinion that if every person on the planet was tested more people would show on some kind of "spectrum" than not. We all have our own anxieties and all that, personally I can be as awkward as they come in certain settings but I know thats my own bag and I deal with it my own ways.

I'd be reluctant to label yourself though as I feel as a society, people use the various labels as excuses, be mindful not to fall into the "well the doctors said I am X, Y or Z so I cannot do 1, 2, or 3".

mach1982 wrote: »

Clubs:
I live in sticks, there nothing,I do volunteer with the Coder Dojo . People in Dublin forget they have everything on their door step, good transport things to do.

When you say the sticks, how rural are you? Your signature mentions Sallins / Naas Coder Dojo (i assume this it the one you volunteer at?) and they are hardly in the arsehole of Mayo so thats not really an acceptable excuse. If you dont drive then there are trains and busses regularly that run to Dublin from Sallins. If you live in the country side and dont drive then get a bicycle and cycle to the train station.

Boards is a fantastic tool for meeting people if you do a bit of leg work. There are forums that arrange nights out and Im sure being into sci fi and gaming there are communities waiting to be discovered however things do not fall into your lap. If you are serious about making a change then it has to start with yourself.

Finally, dont ever be ashamed of your views or who you are. The world would be pretty boring if we all had the same opinions on everything.

Plopsu

Business Cat wrote: »

Boards is a fantastic tool for meeting people if you do a bit of leg work. There are forums that arrange nights out

.

And those forums are....?

Rory28

Plopsu wrote: »

And those forums are....?

Motorbike forum is great for it. I have never taken advantage of it but they do regular meetups. LGBT one has the odd meetup. im sure the others do as well.

Joe Don Dante

escorts.ie

Triceratops Ballet

Rory28 wrote: »

Motorbike forum is great for it. I have never taken advantage of it but they do regular meetups. LGBT one has the odd meetup. im sure the others do as well.

Forum games does too, we also play rpg's often sci-fi or fantasy themed if that floats your boat.

con___manx1

Go on escorts ireland might get your confidence up a bit.

BrokenArrows

"I live in the middle of nowhere at home with my mum"

That pretty much sums of the majority of your problem.

1. If you live in the middle of nowhere then socialising is very difficult and there is a very limited quantity of women around.

2. If you live with your mum it is a big turn off for any potential partner .

At 36 you should have your own place or at the very least sharing with non family members.
You should also consider moving to a large town or city.
If you feel there is something wrong about you then fix it (being overweight for example).

Youre not going to meet someone sitting at home in the countryside with your mother.

NIMAN

con___manx1 wrote: »

Go on escorts ireland might get your confidence up a bit.

OR get him a criminal record?

Debtocracy

The simple solution is:

Get employment
Go to the gym
Move out of home

But of course you already know this and telling you to do this will just make you feel criticised.

At this point I would start with a bit of self-compassion and acceptance. People sometimes just end up where you are for no major fault of their own – anxiety, slow metabolism, autistic traits, family environment etc.. And often they’re pretty apathetic about the situation and 20s drift into 30s until one day it’s hits home that their life is drifting away. You also have to consider that despite wanting a better life, you unconsciously might want to keep your current life because of how comfortable it feels.

The second part is accepting that it’s possible you may never have a girlfriend and that this isn’t as bad as it sounds. From never having a girlfriend it probably seems that a relationship is the most exciting, fulfilling thing in the world, when in reality it can sometimes be the opposite – lack of control, financial commitments, paranoia, jealousy, and even sex isn’t guaranteed. The odds are that whatever level of happiness you have before entering a relationship, your happiness within a relationship will not change.

So if you’re looking to have a more fulfilling, meaningful life, finding a relationship is not the best place to start. Where you will find meaning is in risk taking, gradually breaking out of the comfortable, protected life you’ve created for yourself.

Airyfairy12

Have you tried to get yourself diagnosed with Autism? I have a relative whose about your age who recently got diagnosed and since this he's been receiving help which has resulted in very positive changes in all areas of his life. The best place to start is your GP, go have a chat and see what they say.

mach1982

BrokenArrows wrote: »

"I live in the middle of nowhere at home with my mum"

That pretty much sums of the majority of your problem.

1. If you live in the middle of nowhere then socialising is very difficult and there is a very limited quantity of women around.

2. If you live with your mum it is a big turn off for any potential partner .

At 36 you should have your own place or at the very least sharing with non family members.
You should also consider moving to a large town or city.
If you feel there is something wrong about you then fix it (being overweight for example).

Youre not going to meet someone sitting at home in the countryside with your mother.

I've got my reasons, my father died 10 years ago, he did everything around the place, and a few years later my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she was on chemo and that stuff weakens you a lot . Also I help to build the house( quite a big house) I live in with my father an uncle , so it has sentimental value to me.Family is very important to me and I am not going to abandon them.

If my father hadn't died my plan was to move out that Christmas.

While I live middle of no where it doesn't I am cut off , it just to get to places I have to plan a bit more.

I'm quite lucky, I will never have mortgage to worry about .

Debtocracy wrote: »

The second part is accepting that it’s possible you may never have a girlfriend and that this isn’t as bad as it sounds.

I'm starting to think that too

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Have you tried to get yourself diagnosed with Autism? I have a relative whose about your age who recently got diagnosed and since this he's been receiving help which has resulted in very positive changes in all areas of his life. The best place to start is your GP, go have a chat and see what they say.

Got an appointment to be tested in a couple on months, a few family think that I'll just use it as an excuses, but it more about figure out who I am why I do things that are not "normal".

BrokenArrows

mach1982 wrote: »

I'm quite lucky, I will never have mortgage to worry about .

That might be nice but you are basically choosing to live at home with your mum in the countryside to avoid having to pay a mortgage or rent.

Going off to live your own life is not abandoning your family. 10 years is a long time since your father died and if your mum has recovered from cancer than the only thing keeping you there is your choice. Nothing wrong with that choice but you cant complain about its repercussions then.

RossieMan

People's perceptions of success is different. Not having mortgage isn't a success to me. You aren't getting any younger, it's only going to get harder to find someone as you age.

Really don't see the point of this thread if you don't plan on changing your circumstances to better yourself.

Triceratops Ballet

mach1982 wrote:

I've got my reasons, my father died 10 years ago, he did everything around the place, and a few years later my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she was on chemo and that stuff weakens you a lot . Also I help to build the house( quite a big house) I live in with my father an uncle , so it has sentimental value to me.Family is very important to me and I am not going to abandon them.

Moving on and living your own life isn't abandoning your family. Your parents brought you into the world to have a life not to sacrifice that for them. If you move out of the house it's not going to go anywhere, you could move to a bigger town nearby and still visit your mother every day if you wanted. Doing work on yourself to try and build the life your parents probably imagined for you is a tribute to them and the example they set. How would your mother feel if she thought she was holding you back from having a life? Have you talked to her about it at all?

Ann22

Pop in the headphones-listen to Podcasts and get out marching the roads. You'll have more willpower with food if you're exercising. Also, why don't you try volunteering with a local charity? Focus on that as a new interest and meeting people and perhaps friendships will develop. Don't join on the sole purpose of finding a girlfriend. That's something that might just happen when you're not desperately searching.