Move in together, or break up?

LegacyUser

We're both in our late thirties. Together 9 months now. Everything has been really good, he's kind, thoughtful, affectionate, lovely. But about a month ago things kind of stopped progressing. We both live alone (own our own places). We meet up twice a week, one night we stay in his, the other we stay in mine. We've been on 2 holidays together, we gel well.

This works and has been working but I've really been feeling like I'm ready to take the next step, I want to wake up next to him every day, I want to see him more and live our lives together.

However, he doesn't feel the same. He sees us moving in together in the next few months but from how he explains it, he sees it as a thing of dread. He's introverted and despite me trying to understand this and saying we'll have rules and a plan to make sure we're both happy and comfortable he is honestly talking like it's the end of his world to the point where I've actually said I'm not interested in discussing it until he's excited about it. For geographical reasons it will be me moving to his house. Last night I stayed there, he was in a mood and I honestly felt for half the night like he wished I wasn't there. I tried to have a conversation about it and explain how i was feeling and it again turned in to a conversation about how 9 months is too soon to move in and I guess in what was unsaid I just really felt like it's something he feels we need to do out of obligation but he's not excited to do it at all.

The 2 dates a week seems fine for him, but for me, I just want us to get closer and stronger, I adore him and I know he adores me but I'm really struggling with feeling rejected or unwanted or something.

I have never wanted to push the moving in issue, I've said from the start that when hes ready is the right time (within reason) but I literally have tears running down my face here at how crappy it feels to be so excited and in love with someone whose just not quite there yet with you.

TheBlock

My Humble opinion....too soon. It looks like you might be scaring him. You mention he doesn't feel the same yet why force the issue.

zapper55

Tbh I think you are hugely overreacting and not really seeing it from his point of view. There are times I need to be alone as much as I need food, company at that point can absolutely drain me, suck the life pit of me. Doesn't matter how amazing the company is. So I really get the introverted part.

He's not saying he'll never move in with you, just that he needs more time. Maybe more time to prepare himself for it. Mens brains are wired so differently to ours. Maybe he's worried about letting you down by moving in and it not working because of his introversion?

I think you are only looking at the situation through your perceptions and emotions. I felt a sense of panic in your post. Why can't you just enjoy his.company for a few more months and reassess then. You've only just brought it up. If you force the issue you'll have him running for the hills, I know I would be.

You say you don't want it to happen until the time is right, but then you say within reason, I.e within your timeframe. I.do think you need to take a step back. He's thinking that moving in with someone fills him.with dread, but he's still willing to consider it for you. That's pretty big.

Look down the road you guys could move in, it could be wonderful then he may well realise that his fears didn't come to fruition (ie he has plenty of alone time). But your reaction now wouldn't do much to reassure him of that.

I'd honestly leave it for a while. By continously discussing it ot will be counterproductive.

Big Bag of Chips

Saying it is a thing of dread, or him talking about it like its the end of the world.. is that you interpreting how he is saying it, or has he actually told you that he dreads the thought of moving in together?

I don't think 9 months is too early. It is complete dependent on the people involved. My husband moved in with me after about 6 weeks together, and by 6 months we had actually bought our first house together. I'm sure plenty people thought it was too soon, but it was our lives, our decision. I think you need to find out does he see you moving in together at some point. In a few months? Years? There have been posts here before from people saying they are with their partner x amount of time, and they keep putting off getting engaged/married whatever.

Sometimes these people never have any intention of making that move, but instead of saying it they keep giving the 'in a while' answer. You are the only one who can determine if he means 'in a while' or if he means 'I'll just keep putting it off until she stops asking'.

Talking to him, openly and honestly is your only option. Don't accuse, don't tell him what you think he's thinking, just ask him to be honest. From there, you make your decision.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you are not both on the same page at the moment. He has explained what he feels to you & you him. So far the relationship is good , and he is a nice guy.

So why all the pressure? Do you think it will improve things or make things worse? Like the old flake ad said, try a little patience.

facehugger99

TheBlock wrote: »

My Humble opinion....too soon.

She's late-30's.

Presume the OP doesn't want to be taking things at glacier-pace if she wants to have a couple of kids.

JeffKenna

Did he say it was a thing of dread or is this your interpretation?

9 months sounds very soon to me.

TheBlock

facehugger99 wrote: »

She's late-30's.

Presume the OP doesn't want to be taking things at glacier-pace if she wants to have a couple of kids.

After 9 Months of spending two nights a week with each other (72 Nights), Kids wouldn't even be on my radar yet. Plus he's already all but said he's not ready.

Different Stokes though.....

Dixie Chick

TheBlock wrote: »

After 9 Months of spending two nights a week with each other (72 Nights), Kids wouldn't even be on my radar yet. Plus he's already all but said he's not ready.

Different Stokes though.....

Spot on here.

I see my friends rush relationships in their late 30s for this reason and while there may end up being a baby, the relationship wasn't strong enough to begin.


OP- he is not ready and you have to respect that and while it might hurt because you are ready it does not mean he should do it. 9 months is no time. Maybe up the date nights to 3 or 4 instead?

LegacyUser

I'm so glad I posted this. Everyone has been super helpful!

Yep, my reaction probably has been OTT. As one person twigged; I'm late thirties so time isn't on my side...

That said, that's not his fault and in honesty, I think we would both be taking that particular step very slowly and we'd want a good few living together air miles by then.

100% agree with people who have said that if one person isn't ready then it's too soon.

I've really reflected today on how lucky i am that he can be honest with me. He has said a few times that I have never ever made him feel under pressure. The pressure he feels is from himself.....

I'm happy to wait it out anyway, he's worth it

.......

This post has been deleted.

zoobizoo

I'd be more concerned that you guys are only meeting up 2 nights a week...

That's fine for the first few weeks of dating but after that for me it would be weekends if we were living a bit apart.


Now, as a guy who didn't marry until my mid 40s, I would see it as a case of him fearing a very big change in his lifestyle.

He has five nights to himself that he can do what he likes and when he likes - then he meets you two nights. He may be worried that you'll make him be tidier or go to bed early or to be active on Saturday mornings etc etc - he fears change to his current lifestyle.

I don't think someone can begin to get excited about what could be to him, curtailing his mostly bachelor existence.....until he changes that mindset

wirelessdude01

Personally speaking as a man the way to approach this would be to increase the amount of time you spend together. 2 nights a week isn't much really in your late 30's. Gonna guess these are very defined and the same night every week. Sounds like he is afraid of a break in routine.

ElizaBennett

I totally get where he's coming from as I was in his position and tbh, two years after moving in, I'm still struggling. Only last weekend he arrived back on sunday night after being away and, much as I love him, I was so grumpy to no longer have the house to myself as I'd been loving the alone time. Now my situation is different in that I've been married and have kids and this is a new relationship. For the first 2 years we stayed over 2 to 3 nights a week and that was a far happier time in my life, being honest. I felt forced into a position of him moving into my house (which I own) due to distance and the rental crisis. We are both much better off financially now but my peace of mind has taken a hammering. I'm gotten better but I was totally filled with dread at the thought of him moving in and I would have kept things as they were - maybe forever.
My partner knows how I feel and I know it hurts him a lot as he'd spend every waking moment with me if he could but we've had to accept we are different people. I'm crazy about him and we have such great fun together and he's a wonderful person. But, truth be told, if he could have a house a mile up the road that would be perfect for me:(

Your guy may never adapt to living together. So I don't know what to tell you. You could just be incompatible. I think giving up the independence of being the only decision maker in the house is really really hard. Best of luck

ginandtonicsky

I can see both sides of this. 9 months is a relative blink in the eye, but things do usually tend to move faster in relationships when you’re late 30s for obvious reasons. There’s a tight timeline if you want to progress to the point of having a family.

I think it’s time to have a frank conversation about what you want and expect down the line and see if he’s on the same page. Does he want the serious relationship, marriage, kids? Do you? Where does he see that happening? Does he realise that you only have a few years of fertility left?

It’s an awkward conversation for sure but if he can’t talk about these things now, it’s not a good sign tbh. I’m 33 and recently dating and find these daunting conversations pretty natural, I wouldn’t get involved with someone if they couldn’t talk frankly about their future plans.

Sheog

It's a bit of a tricky one Op.

I think you need to check that you both are looking for the same things in the future for starters. Things like getting married (or not) and starting a family (or not) are big life decisions and are often deal breakers. If you want to start a family and he doesn't (or vise versa) then you have hit a big problem. There would be little point in progressing with the relationship (such as moving in together) if you both fundamentally want different things.

If you both do want the same or similar life things, then give him a bit of time. I have found with many of my friends in their relationships that the women tend to progress to each stage of the relationships before the men do, and that when the men are given a bit of time/ breathing space to get there too, they ultimately do. If you put them under too much pressure, then they can pull away altogether.

It sounds like you have found yourself a great guy, and that you are both compatible. Once you are on the same page on the deal breakers, I think you should relax a bit about the moving in together. As others have said, maybe start spending the weekends together and see each other more often than 2 nights a week and things should progress naturally from there.

The world of dating out there is a bit of a nightmare these days especially for anyone in the 30ies (I should know!!). So don't give up on him too soon, or you may end up with regrets.