2 year old tantrums/meltdowns

FurBabyMomma

I have a 2 year old boy who is our second child and has always been a challenge. He spent the first 8 months of his life screaming from reflux and even though he outgrew that, the screaming hasn't stopped.

He does not seem to able to regulate his emotions once he's been 'triggered' - everything goes out of proportion and he has screaming rages where he will throw things, break things, slam doors, attempt to hit you, etc. He cannot be reasoned with when he's in a state like that (who can?). He won't accept hugs or sit on my lap to help him calm down. At the moment I'm taking him to his room until he calms down. I'm finding it very difficult to be there while this happens and he's ranting and raving and trying to destroy his room. It takes him a long time to come down. Sometimes I have to leave the room for my own sanity and sometimes I end up shouting at him myself, which doesn't help and makes me feel worse.

I've read several parenting books such as the 'How To Talk ...' series, which worked very well with his sister. He gets to make choices and also see the natural consequences but to no avail. I don't hit him and I will not hit him, although honest to god sometimes I feel like it. I would have been raised in a way that this behaviour would have got me slapped and tbh I don't have any other tools in my toolbox from my childhood other than slapping and shouting, so it's a struggle not to revert to that every day. I try my best to stay calm in these situations but I'm very worried about how I'll cope with him when I have a newborn in a few weeks.

Just to give an example of how this morning went:
1. Wanted some apple/nut butter as part of breakfast. I ask him to get a plate. He insists on a bowl. Once has the bowl and is at table he decides he wants a plate. I explain that he chose the bowl and I will not be getting him a plate as I was not going to dirty more dishes. I do not allow him to get the plate so he starts screaming and pushing over his chair. I bring him to his room and say we will go back to the kitchen when he is calm. The screaming continues, the throwing starts. I remove each toy he throws from the room. He wants/doesn't want a cuddle. We return to the kitchen after 20 mins of meltdown.
2. He comes to show me that he has given 'treats' to the dogs. He has actually taken the container of dog food and poured it into one bowl and the dogs are having a free-for-all. I don't give out to him, as I know he was trying to do a good thing, but I have to remove the bowl. He sees this and starts screaming again and slamming the door. I tell him not to slam the door. I take him with me to the sitting room and attempt to cuddle and calm him down. Not working. I try to say I'm not mad but it's my job to feed the dogs - obviously this is not the time as he's too upset. He tried to hit me so I bring him to his room to calm down. I'm feeling upset and can't be in the room so I tell him he can come out of the room when he's calm and I sit outside the door to compose myself. When all goes quiet I look in to see him reading to himself in bed and all cute smiles.
3. Grandparents are collecting older child and my mother tells him to take a stickle brick out of his mouth (I pull her up on it and say it's only a stickle brick and not to correct him over something like that as I'll have to deal with the fallout). Sure enough, he goes down on the floor on a sulk and next thing he's kicking a teaset on the floor all over the place.

It may not seem like much, but this was from before his nap so I know there's more to come once he gets up. And it's all day every day in a constant one-after-the-other parade of incidents so I'm just worn out by it and very upset.

He wasn't very communicative up until the age of 2, which resulted in him banging his head off things in frustrated attempts to communicate, but luckily he's stopped that now he has a good grasp on language. He's a healthy boy and is actually very sweet and affectionate and loving. But even my daughter says his rages are 'scaring' her.


So any tips on where to go from here? Or is this something I'll have to live with until he finally grows out of it? He just can't cope with being told 'no' or not getting his way.

seamus

It sounds like you're doing OK. It can be really hard when you're in the thick of it, to see any end to it and to wonder whether you're doing something wrong. But from an outsider's perspective it sounds like you're doing fine.

Trying to reason with it is a waste of your time, it's gone beyond reason. At his age, even trying to explain that actions have consequences may be something of a waste. If actions don't have immediate consequences, it'll probably go over their head.

The only thing I'd suggest is to do your best to pick your battles rather than worry about being too lenient. The bowl/plate thing for example. This is exactly the kind of thing I would find myself doing and five minutes later asking myself "why didn't I just get him the fncking plate".

I would also suggest not being in the room with him when he's in full meltdown mode. You will naturally want to try and reason with him and you will be a focus for his anger. Leave him there and walk away and you'll find the emotional toll less overall. It may not even be necessary to wrestle him to his bedroom. If you feel comfortable/safe leaving him to cry on the kitchen floor, then do that.

Try and keep an eye out for patterns. We discovered that tantrums and difficulty were considerably more likely when the routine was upset - if either of us were earlier leaving for work or coming home late, or if she was spending more time at her granny's than normal, or even just getting to bed later or getting up earlier. External worries were also a big one; if there was something playing on her mind - anxiety about a party coming up or something - then that would manifest as irrationality and anger. The hard part is getting the child to identify and open up about these worries, but once you manage to discover one, the improvement in mood is instantaneous.

mordeith

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

He just can't cope with being told 'no' or not getting his way.

Sounds a lot like our youngest fella at that age. Used to bang his head on the floor if he got really upset over something (which could be anything relatively minor). Not a great communicator either at that age and initially though he might have a speech and language delay. In the end he was diagnosed with ASD. Please note I am not saying this is the same with your guy.
He grew out of the tantrums in the end but he still can't stand to lose and kind of game! (he's nearly 7 now).

shesty

Oh OP.You sound like you are doing great.I know it's hell, my second is 2 and 4 months.She doesn't rage too much, we mostly ignore her when tantrums are being thrown, but to be fair, those are much bigger.Maybe being out of the room is a good idea, you could tell him he can punch pillows or something if he feels angry.To be fair you sound like you are really doing a great job, and I mean that, but it's so hard when you are in the middle of it.We are currently enduring huge rows with our four year old, and it feels awful some days.Exhausting.

FurBabyMomma

Thanks for the advice and kind words everyone. Seamus, you are right, I do tend to feel like I must have done something wrong for him to be this way, especially given child no. 1 is a lot easier to deal with even though she's also highly strung.

I should have mentioned that when I'm with him in the room it's not to interact with him but to stop him hurting himself and damaging things. I don't try to reason with him, but every now and then I say "we can leave the room when you're calm." If I leave the room myself he usually follows me screaming and will then throw himself off other doors in the house or slam them. I also worry about isolating him from me and shutting him out when he's having big emotions, as I don't want him to feel rejected by me.

I'll read over the comments again tomorrow and reply when I'm less exhausted!

Bitches Be Trypsin

I'd advise moving the "timeout" room to another room if possible, with less items in it for him to potentially break or harm himself with? If you have a guest room with just a bed perhaps? I know that's not an option for everyone!

Postgrad10

You sound like you are doing your best for him. Just wondering, how accessible are his toys? I don't think he should have any toys to throw about when he has the tantrum in his room . Is there another boring room he could have his tantrum in ( so you don't have to keep picking them up). You do sound like you are doing everything right. I can tell your mum was trying to help too, he's going to get told not to do things by a lot of people in his life, preschool, teachers etc , he needs to learn skills to deal with being told no.

FurBabyMomma

Funnily enough, my husband took everything out of his room on Saturday night to stop.him throwing things and also because he started getting out of bed to play with things when he should be sleeping. Cue him waking up Sunday morning and pushing his little bookshelf back into the room in protest

scarepanda

My girl is just turning 2, and while fairly highly strung, we are lucky that we haven't had to many full on tantrums, so I don't if what iv to offer will be much help.

When madam is having a strop, we simply walk away, or if she's having one as a result of something she's done we tell her that and walk away. She's gone through a phase of walloping her head off the floor, and when she's in that humour we try grab the nearest thing that will cushion her head and let her off. We'll always try have a chat with her over the strop afterwards once she's calmed down. My husband is pretty good at trying to talk/reason/explain with her what she needs to do and why. We've noticed the trick to get her to comply and avoid a meltdown is to say okay? At the end and when she's replies with okay, then we know she's listened and understands and does what's asked 99% of the time.

For the times where she's not listening at all, and starting to act out, I'll ask her if she wants to go on a timeout, her answer is no, I'll explain that if she keeps doing X,y or z that I'll put her into time out and I'll give her a countdown and one last chance like 'walk away' if it's something I need her to walk away from etc. If she doesn't stop what she's at I always always carry through and put her into a timeout, so 99% of the time when I ask her if she wants to go on a timeout she'll usually start behaving because she knows I'm serious. She'll push her daddy and others more because she's not as sure they will carry through.

I also try pick my battles with her. So, the plate situation, while I understand your not wanting to give another one, I'd take a deep breath and let it go. It's not something that's worth the meltdown at the end of the day. Also, with the dog food, could you try getting your little lad to help with that? He may want/like the extra responsibility of 'feeding the dogs'. It could also be a bonding session between ye. We let our girl feed the dogs (supervised obviously), she knows how many scoops they each get, knows that they get a half sachet of soft food each (although she ways want to give one each!!). She mixes up the soft food into the nuts and then runs up the hall with the quiter dogs food. Tells her to sit, asks her for the paw and then gives the dog the 'now' command to eat her food. It's bloody adorable, madam loves the little job and the dog she feeds is starting to listen to madams instructions!

I think you just need to take a step back from the front line, reassess what causes the friction, identify what is/isn't worth the meltdown while also keeping control if that's makes sense. Your little lad is at an age where he wants more control and independence than he's old enough for, but maybe there's some compromises that can be made to give him that sense of having more control without the conflict and without him running circles around ye either.

Postgrad10

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Funnily enough, my husband took everything out of his room on Saturday night to stop.him throwing things and also because he started getting out of bed to play with things when he should be sleeping. Cue him waking up Sunday morning and pushing his little bookshelf back into the room in protest

Your husband has the right idea. Why not let him pick three toys to take back to his room as a reward for good behaviour ?