Grandmother showing low interest in newborn

vetinari

I live abroad and we had a baby boy 6 weeks ago.
We also moved into the house we bought 5 weeks ago.
I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of paternity leave so I'm still off work.
Our son has also been placid enough so far.

My parents have come over to visit for 10 days.
They've been here now about a week.

My parents don't travel much, indeed this is the first time they've used their passports since the last time they visited me 11 years ago. I go home a few times a year.

My Dad has been a great help at doing handyman jobs around the house and generally proactively finding stuff for himself to do. He likes that kind of stuff and has chosen to do that over some touristy activities. Completely up to him what he wants to do. I haven't been giving him any orders, he just tells me about tasks he wants to work on.

I guess I had expectations around how much my Mom would be helping out. She minds her other grandchild at home 3 days a week and seems to like doing it. I thought she would either be very hands on in terms of help with the baby or cook a few times while here (say 2 to 3 times over 10 days)

Instead it's been like having guests in that respect. We've done all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping for the most part. The extent to which my mother is helping with the baby is holding him when asked or giving him an odd bottle when asked. She hasn't changed a nappy, proactively looked after him for an extended period of time or done any of his laundry.

Indeed on top of that, she's been treating the visit as a conventional type holiday. She's asking me most days to drive her to certain attractions, to the subway station to go into town, to collect her from the station etc. There's not much of a "I just want to stay and spend time with my grandson who I'll only see about 4 weeks a year"

She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected. Is she feeling out of place in a different house? In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping. Maybe she's expecting the same of us. It's like she hasn't accounted for the fact we have a 6 week old newborn to take care of.

You say she has little interest in the baby then complain that she isn't doing his laundry or changing his nappy.
She is his grandmother not his child minder. I understand she minds some other grandchildren, but maybe she is sick of that?
Also, maybe she is being careful not to get in the way of both of you being with your son? She was a young mother once herself, she has other grandchildren, she knows how interfering grandmothers can be a pain in the ass.
That are your parents, they are on holidays, maybe your dad likes to do things around the house, but it is a holiday.
Unless of course you had some agreement that they were coming to do work, in that case disregard what I said.

Plague Maiden

Maybe she just wants a holiday. She's minding a child 3 days a week at a time in her life where she may have expected to be past that sort of thing. Cut her some slack.

LegacyUser

OP I can relate. We were so disappointed at what we perceived as a lack of interest from my mother in law towards our baby. Similar to your situation, my MIL lives near 3 of her grandchildren, sees them every day, minds regularly etc.

I was initially confused and then gradually resentful about the lack of effort /interest shown in our baby. It occupied my thoughts a fair bit. I wanted to understand why but couldnt bring myself to ask either as I felt I might not get a honest answer.

Then one day I found it more helpful for me to just let it go. Focus on my baby. I also found it helpful to give my MIL the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is getting older and doesn't have the energy etc. I won't lie, I still am a bit hurt and sad over it as feel my baby may miss out on grandparent relationship but I'll stay open to a positive outcome & make the most of whatever relationship is there.

vetinari

I'm sorry but to me it would be incredibly rude to visit and stay with someone in holiday mode when they have a really young baby.
We have enough to be doing looking after the baby without also looking after two guests.

I'm up at 2AM giving the baby a late night bottle feed, then dropping my mother to the subway station 15 minutes away the next morning so she can go into downtown. She doesn't drive while here, doesn't use taxis, doesn't sort out her own meals. I collect her from the station, my wife and I figure out what we're doing for dinner. If it's out somewhere, we pick a restaurant she likes, if it's in the house, we cook.

Doing this with a newborn was not what I signed up for when they said they were coming to visit.

You say she has little interest in the baby then complain that she isn't doing his laundry or changing his nappy.

Is it so nuts to expect your mother who is staying with you to change a couple of nappies over 10 days? Say 5 nappies over 10 days? I think it's quite normal to assume that your parents are going to be a help with a baby if they visit when the kid is really young.

RossieMan

Jesus.

alchemist33

vetinari wrote: »

Is it so nuts to expect your mother who is staying with you to change a couple of nappies over 10 days?

Expect, yes. It might be different if you were at work and your partner was struggling on her own. But with both of you there I'd see Granny's role as going ooh and aah over the baby. Now, maybe she isn't doing that and there's some reason she isn't emotionally engaged with junior, but after travelling all that way I wouldn't see her role as childminding.

This is just from my experience though. Maybe roles have been different in your family over the years.

Avatar MIA

Well, she did an amazing job rearing you.

She's on holiday. You expected her to be a help, which is somewhat understandable as WE ALL take our parents for granted.

As you say in her own home she's a dynamo and deserves a break.

One thing that does come to mind is that she may be reluctant to bond too much because she knows she's not going to see much of her grandchild. A defence mechanism.

freedominacup

She's in her daughter in laws house. Of course she's circumspect about being proactive. You will find endless threads on overbearing mother in laws "taking over", trying to impose their own childrearing techniques, not understanding how "we want to....." etc. You might get a different response if you asked for help. Maybe you have and she has just ignored the requests, as above if you have asked and she's refusing ignore my post.

Teyla Emmagan

Sounds like you thought you'd be getting a holiday when she came over and thought she'd be doing all the cooking and baby minding and that you'd have a great break. That's pretty unfair. And your baby is 6 weeks old, there is no 'getting to you know you' involved, all they do is sleep and eat. Your mother already does more than enough child minding, she hardly wants to do more when she's on holiday, who would. That's your baby, you can't expect anyone else to look after it. Giving them the odd bottle is literally all you can expect from someone else.

vetinari

There's a long way from overbearing to where my mother is at.
My wife said to me a few days ago that my mother seemed like she did not want to spend too much time with the baby.

There are also plenty of small tasks that are not controversial. For instance, we cooked for them this evening.
The plates and stuff go in the dishwasher. There's still some pots that haven't been cleaned. I'll probably do those in the morning. I don't think anyone is going to call you overbearing if you cleaned those pots.

She's on holiday. You expected her to be a help, which is somewhat understandable as WE ALL take our parents for granted.

Please don't visit anyone who has a newborn baby. They'll probably murder you.

Malayalam

They are probably not going to be there very much longer so I guess it's just grin and bear it for the few days, and try not to take out your exhaustion on them. Don't say anything that would cause a rift in the family, just be super patient even though it's not what you expected. She may be going through some health issue or emotional stuff, she may be nervous holding newborns (I know I am even though I was completely at ease with my own), she may simply not want to interfere with her daughter in law at that just born stage. She may be feeling grumpy or travel fatigued, whatever she is feeling just try to detach completely from your judgement of it all and ride out the few days left in their trip.

Glass fused light

vetinari wrote: »

I live abroad and we had a baby boy 6 weeks ago.
We also moved into the house we bought 5 weeks ago.
I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of paternity leave so I'm still off work.
Our son has also been placid enough so far.

Congrats on the new baby and the new house.

vetinari wrote: »

My Dad has been a great help at doing handyman jobs around the house and generally proactively finding stuff for himself to do. He likes that kind of stuff and has chosen to do that over some touristy activities. Completely up to him what he wants to do. I haven't been giving him any orders, he just tells me about tasks he wants to work on.

Your dad is doing what he wants and not changing nappies or doing laundry either?

vetinari wrote: »

I guess I had expectations around how much my Mom would be helping out. She minds her other grandchild at home 3 days a week and seems to like doing it. I thought she would either be very hands on in terms of help with the baby or cook a few times while here (say 2 to 3 times over 10 days)

Dont start down the road of making comparisons on the relationships and interactions that your mother has with the grandchildren that live near her, to start down that road will just lead to heartbreak and resentment. You will have to reconcile that your relationship will develop very differently. The way it develops will depend largely on how you want it to develop and how you will handle impact of the geographical distance.

vetinari wrote: »

Instead it's been like having guests in that respect. We've done all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping for the most part. The extent to which my mother is helping with the baby is holding him when asked or giving him an odd bottle when asked. She hasn't changed a nappy, proactively looked after him for an extended period of time or done any of his laundry.

She is a guest and from your last paragraph has reared you to treat a guest in a certain way. She is in her daughter-in-laws house and holding her daughter-in-laws new baby not grabbing the baby and telling her how to manage and do things the "right" way but helping when asked. Could be that she has learned not to do anything unless asked directly.

vetinari wrote: »

Indeed on top of that, she's been treating the visit as a conventional type holiday. She's asking me most days to drive her to certain attractions, to the subway station to go into town, to collect her from the station etc. There's not much of a "I just want to stay and spend time with my grandson who I'll only see about 4 weeks a year"

No disrespect but they are little sleeping and sh1thing machines at that age and while great to cuddle, they are not very interactive. She is doing what she wants to do and getting out of the house so you and your partner don't have to entertain her but can get on with establishing a routine or even go for a nap when the baby is down.

vetinari wrote: »

She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected. Is she feeling out of place in a different house? In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping. Maybe she's expecting the same of us. It's like she hasn't accounted for the fact we have a 6 week old newborn to take care of.

could be she sees it as your house your rules, you can always ask her if she would mind doing some cooking but IMO unless she volunteers the laundry and grocery shopping is your department.

kastasia

Is there any reason why they haven't visited in all that time? How did they get on with your wife before when you visited? I don't live abroad any more but my mam would be a lot more hands on with my baby than my husband's mam. I think because she's my mam. If we were still abroad I'd say she'd have come over soon after and nobody would expect it to be a holiday. But then again both sets of parents had visited plenty of times before and had a chance to do the touristy things.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help, not specifically because she's the grandmother, but I just don't think anybody should be going to stay with new parents at that stage and expect they are going on a holiday. Either stay somewhere else or put off your trip.
But at this stage, maybe it's too late to bring it up without it causing a rift?

I presume they were invited to see the baby?
If you wanted them to come & help around the house you should hve made that clear to them
They are on holiday visiting their son & his family

catrionanic

Some of the most common things you're told when visiting a new baby, is to keep visits short and not to ask to hold the baby all the time. Both of which are important bits of advice. Maybe she is trying to give you both some space, and not to just sit there holding a baby all the time?

I would gladly take this over my experience with my own in-laws. They came over from the UK when baby was two weeks old (and being breastfed so was feeding alllĺllll the time and it was very intense). They basically camped out in front my my tv all day every day for a week, while I sat in the bedroom for hours per day feeding the baby (I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in front of people yet at this stage). As soon I came back downstairs, the MIL grabbed the baby out of my arms and just held him until he needed changing or another feed or started to cry, then handed him back. They wouldn't go anywhere- they refused to do anything touristy or even go out for lunch or dinner. And not one bit of housework was done for us either.

Maybe she's just trying to give you some space? Or maybe she is having a little holiday herself! It's not her job to come over and clean the house and change nappies, at the end of the day. Plus baby is six weeks old now and you are both off work.

TheBoyConor

I think your attitude stinks with your sense of entitlement Ankur what your mother should be doing.

She's the child's grandmother visiting from another country where she minds children several days a week.
She deserves some rest and downtime to do leisurely stuff on her break. And as said before, she has done childrearing before and should now have graduated beyond having to do the parenting donkey work for a son and Dil who take her for granted.

You seem to want her to take up the role of domestic servant and general dogsbody. If this is the way you treat her on other visits and in general then I'm not surprised she visits so rarely.

I think you need to take a good dose of cop on and adjust your attitude to your mom.

tea and coffee

I'm with you on this one. Even if she doesn't help per se, you'd expect her to dote a little more on her grandchild, who, as you point out, she'll only see very infrequently.
Sure, some sightseeing is fine but you'd expect her to mix it up a little!

fishy_fishy

I think people need to cut OP some slack. If I went abroad and was staying with family, I'd be killed offering to do what I could. That the OP thought his mother might engage withthe baby a little isn't way out there. OP is a long way from home and sounds like normal support network isn't there. A lot of people would interpret their parents coming over in those circumstances as them intending to help them out a little with new baby and new home.. And to just spend a little time with a baby they won't see much.

However, OP you say she does EVERYTHING in her own home. So why would she do it in yours?

Also, I think people have valid points about her getting out from under your feet, not wanting to be the intrusive MIL taking over from your wife, and not wanting to get too attached to a baby she won't see again as a baby.

I think you'll just have to accept her as is. She's not being malicious.

Hotblack Desiato

Expecting lifts isn't getting out from under your feet. That's unreasonable.

Not offering to do any washing up etc. after your hosts have fed you is unreasonable for ANY guest.

Not offering to cook even once or to pay for food even once is unreasonable for a house guest.

Any of these things would be bad enough even without a newborn in the house.

scarepanda

Ok, my reading of the ops post is not one of entitlement so much as one where his parents are adding a lot of additional pressure onto already sleep deprived new parents.

Imo, his mother is fully entitled to make a holiday out of her trip, but by doing so she shouldn't be expecting her son and daughter-in-law to be her taxi, tour guide, organising meals out (seriously, what new parent wants to go out for a meal?) Or anything else. Personally I wouldn't expect a guest to cook or clean the house, but I would hope if any of our parents stayed with us when we had a newborn, that they would help out in small ways to just take some of the pressure off. Maybe tidy off the table after a meal, or load the dishwasher, or ask if there was anything they could do or whatever. Small tasks that take 5 minutes to do here and there but can make a huge difference to new parents.

If his mother wanted to have the holiday it sounds like she wants to have, she should have stayed in a hotel closer to the centre of everything and call out to her son's house a few times during the trip to see the baby. But it sounds to me that she expects to be waited on hand and foot, which in any other situation wouldn't be a problem.

drunkmonkey

It's the Mother FFS, she's changed her dirty nappies probably had to hand wash them. She's on holidays I assume invited, probably tired from one of her siblings giving her too much to do with the other grandkids.
Take it easy on her you'll miss her when she's gone and probably really only appricate all she done for you the older your kid gets.

LaLa2004

People need to take into account that grannies get older. What she might have been willing to do for a first grandchild, when she was 60,she might not be able or willing to do for a subsequent grandchild 10 years later.

Clareman

It's very frustrating when people come and don't do what you expect of them, when our first was born my in-laws used to come around for dinner, they'd have it landed in front of them, cleared away and then get a cup of tea. My family were away and didn't come near us for the first month or so, both family live close to us.

Don't underestimate the power of past conversations that might have happened, you've said that your mother doesn't drive/take taxis when she's over, but that's just to get to the subway station, personally I'd be more insulted if she rang for a taxi to get to the station rather than ask for a lift, also are you sure that Mrs. Vetinari didn't offer your services to drop them to the station? They aren't cleaning pots or around the place, I know that if my MiL called around and started cleaning that Mrs. Clareman would go mad and take it as an insult.

Op, your parents are on holidays, your mother works 3 days a week minding children, she has 4 weeks off a year, you've had 6 weeks "off" so far

Loveinapril

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Any of these things would be bad enough even without a newborn in the house.

I agree.

No normal person would stay in a house with a newborn without thinking they would be helping in some way. They have had 11 years to visit for a sightseeing holiday- why choose the most stressful time in their son's life to do that (moves and babies are HARD!)?! When I had my son, friends and family would offer to do jobs (dishes, cooking, ironing (!), laundry etc.) during their one hour visits. One friend brought our dinner with her. That is the polite thing to do.
To be honest, at this point of their stay I would let it go. You can't make her show more of an interest in your child. My own mother in law is a bit disconnected from my son but great with her other grandchildren. At the start it upset me but I wonder is it due to his age. He is still a baby but the other kids are 8+ so are much more self sufficient. Could this be a factor with your mam?

I know my mam is more at home in my house than at my sisters in law's, so your mother may be feeling the same and doesn't want to interfere with her daughter in law's domain.
I still would find it annoying to have anyone stay for that long without even clearing after meals.

But I agree with previous poster - re-adjust your expectations and try to enjoy (get through) the rest of the week.

Loveinapril

Clareman wrote: »

So a son-in-law has an issue with a mother-in-law,

It is his mother.

Hotblack Desiato

Clareman wrote: »

So a son-in-law has an issue with a mother-in-law, I'm sure this has never happened before :pac::pac::pac:

Think someone needs to re-read the OP...

Is it possible that she’s got some health issues?
Or just doesn’t want to appear to be interfering in how her daughter in law rears her child?

Clareman

Oops, I edited my post with the proper family dynamic but I think it still makes sense.

Paranoid Mandroid

I'd love it if my mother in law came over just to relax and chill out. We've 3 kids, she never stops and she's exhausted looking after everyone in her life. It's our turn to look after our parents. I have zero expectations for my parents helping me. They will if I ask but I try not to. This is very simple to me. Our kids are our responsibility and our parents are knackered (age), I'll look after them when they visit. They did a lot for me that I can never repay. I'm not saying your situation wouldn't annoy me all the same, it's a case of accepting it, getting on with it.

In a few years you'll all have more energy to go out and enjoy the sites etc. Be grand.

Hitman3000

I now get the description 'entitled'.

professore

OP I think you need to grow up. It's your wife and your baby and while it would be nice for your mammy to help out, she owes you nothing. Anything she does is strictly voluntary.

By the same token, if you are unhappy with her demands, then tell her! If it's hassle to drive her round everywhere, tell her to get a taxi! You are both adults now. At some point in the future you or your siblings will have to take care of her.

Maybe she's dying to help but doesn't want to interfere. Who knows - you've never talked to her.

Welcome to adulthood.

jlm29

Maybe she thinks that two grown ups looking after one baby full time should have it covered?

If she’s going to see the baby that infrequently, I’m guessing she hasn’t met your daughter in-law often enough to feel comfortable swiping the baby and packing her off to bed. And if they haven’t been in your house in that long, they probably feel like guests.

Have you tried actually talking to her, or asking her to spend time with baby, rather than just expecting it? Something like “here Mam, Mary wants to get a bit of a rest tomorrow, and I’d like to catch up on washing a few pots, any chance you’d put the baby in the pram and take her out for a walk.”

Hitman3000

jlm29 wrote:

Have you tried actually talking to her, or asking her to spend time with baby, rather than just expecting it? Something like “here Mam, Mary wants to get a bit of a rest tomorrow, and I’d like to catch up on washing a few pots, any chance you’d put the baby in the pram and take her out for a walk.â€

Far better to come on Boards and have a rant about his Mum than actually have a conversation with her it seems.

Lemonposset

Ah I think you're all being a bit harsh on OP. I know my mum came to visit for a week when my 1st was 4 weeks old and it was a blessed relief because even though he was good, those 1st 3 months are hard! I could not have entertained even much loved family members for 10 hours never mind 10 days and that's not being selfish or entitled or not wanting my mum to have a break or a holiday, it was me being so tired I couldn't look after myself.

OP, I think people forget how hard those first few months are when their kids are grown up. Maybe your mum has too? I do think it's strange that she's not showing more interest in a new grandchild, I could hardly shake my mother & mother-in-law off & I don't think that's unusual. Maybe she's not a baby person, some people are better at the toddler stage. It's an added stressor for you at an allready stressful time but try not to worry. Havn't you a lovely little boy and family & it would be nice if your mum showed more interest but so what if she doesn't. It's a finite time, just get through it!

tomwaits48

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Far better to come on Boards and have a rant about his Mum than actually have a conversation with her it seems.

And who has the time to come on to boards and type out a rant with a newborn in the house? I certainly didn’t and any downtime I got, I’d be napping,

irishmoss

From reading your post it would seem you invited them over to help you fix the house, right? Your Dad seems to be doing this. Your mother on the other hand is not helping out as you see it.

I think your mother is going exploring to get out of the way. She sees your father doing what he was asked to do and probably feels good, like your dad that he can help with these things. Your mother on the other hand sounds like the traditional Irish Mammy, only one woman rules the house and one woman in the kitchen. She is respecting your wife's authority in the home and will not do things until asked.

You said they haven't used their passports in 11 years so I am guessing you were one who asked them over? You thought it would be a good time to see their grandchild and get your Dad to fix things in the new house. The timing was wrong and that is your mistake. Your wife is tired as are you and if she is upset your mother hasn't taken a more hand on roll she may have give off the impression to your mother she is in the way. Your mother in no way sounds a selfish person from your description, it's your choice to live abroad and I'm sure if you lived at home she would help out too

Put the whole thing down to bad timing on your part and be glad your parents got to share a little time with your new baby.

afkasurfjunkie

The dynamic between son and daughters baby is different too. My mam was always very hands on with my baby, now toddler but I don’t think my mother in law ever changed his nappy or even held him for too long and that’s ok too. She’s a great mother in law, she’s raised her own and knows to take a step back and leave me to the parenting. Similarly my mam wouldn’t be as involved with my brother’s kids as their granny on the mum’s side is very involved.

shesty

Three small kids here...relationship with my own mother and mother in law is very different, when it comes to the kids.And it was for my mother too, when we were small.Not bad-just different.She is in her daughter in law's house, she may not feel comfortable stepping in without being asked(which is quite admirable in it's own way, believe me).Maybe you need to ask her outright to do pots, hold the baby etc. rather than expecting her to be inspired.I have a 12 week old at the moment, and yeah, it's hard work and my mum will hold him and help if I am in her house, but she's not going out of her way to come five minutes down the road to me.She has raised her kids, and honestly, when you have kids, you have to find your own way to do things.Sorry OP, i wouldn't appreciate visitors at this stage in a new baby's life specifically because I would feel they are visitors and I would want to look after them, and not be able to do that with a newborn.I would not expect them to be mucking in like a parent.That one's on you.

robindch

vetinari wrote: »

She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected.

The mother of one guy in my extended family has been blessed with eight grandchildren and two great-grand children. With the exception of a few years intermittent help with the first grandchild (who lived at home for complicated reasons), this excellent lady has essentially not lifted a finger over the course of thirty-five years to help anybody with childcare for any of her ten grandchildren/great-grand children, though she has spent countless hours during this time lecturing the lot of them ad nauseam about how selfish, miserable and unfulfilled they all are.

Some people are just like that.

*shrugs*

faceache

Speaking as a grandmother of a 3 yr old and 6 mth old that I adore (my daughter's children) I would not have changed many nappies when they were newborn. I was visiting regularly and I would have changed one if asked but it wasn't an issue, I just let them get on with it. Now I would not expect to be waited on and would have washed up dishes etc (although sometimes you can get the 'look' as though you are critisising by cleaning!) I would change the nappies now obviously if I was looking after them for a while but wouldn't have had them solely on my own when they were newborn so didn't need to.

As for being all over the baby, new babies are cute and all that but a little hold will do me, they are not very interactive as already mentioned and there is only so much holding them you can do! What are you meant to do, just be looking at them! I would hold or feed the baby if asked of course but again would just let the new mom get on with it.

I find them much more interesting and fun once they pass the 6 month mark at least and the 3 yr old is an absolute delight, we have great fun.

I'm afraid tiny babies are a tad boring to anyone other than the besotted new parents, doesn't mean they will be bad grandparents to them when older.

iamwhoiam

As a nana I would much prefer to be asked to do something than be criticised for interfering . When my daughter had a small baby I would help out as much as I could but much preferred when she said " can you watch baby while I slip to the shop " or could you maybe wheel the baby out while I have a shower " etc
Communicate OP , ask your mother to do bits or to mind the baby while you do jobs .
Also and its only a guess , maybe your mum is a little wary of getting too close to the baby knowing she must leave in a few days and not see him much . Self protection maybe ?

JJayoo

She probably thought that you were capable of minding your own child, what a silly woman she is.

irishmoss

Absolutely agree with this. OP mentioned the Mum seems not capable of getting her own meals but maybe she feels it would be rude not to all eat together in the evening.
Obviously the whole experience has gotten to the OP but whatever you do don't open your mouth! Enjoy your last few days together and remember when you go home to her place you will be waited on hand and foot as she has probably always done.

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Communicate OP , ask your mother to do bits or to mind the baby while you do jobs .

vetinari

****ing hell, some of the posters here would be awful awful house guests.
Ye'd need a contract to wash some dishes. I'd feel sorry for any poor person that ye deign to visit.
God forbid that every minute of your visit wasn't full of relaxing downtime.

It's hard not to compare how my grandmother interacts with my son to my niece.
My son is only her second grandchild. Maybe it will change a bit as he gets a bit older.
My niece is 2 years old so obviously is a lot more interactive.
She also volunteered to mind my niece 3 days a week.
If we're still living abroad, she'll always have a closer relationship with my niece as she sees her so much.
That's just the way it is. You would have thought though that she would be all about her son while she's here since she won't see him very much.

It's been completely my parents choice not to travel over here for the last 11 years.
They actually brought up the idea of coming over after the baby arrives.
I'll grin and bear the rest of the days they have here and see how she acts as my son gets older.

Still in awe of some of the selfish people here who would actually expect a full on holiday when staying with someone with a newborn. What planet are ye on? That's what stunned me about my mother. I never would have expected that she'd be in that mode. I didn't even think this needed explaining.

Also there's some serious judgement going on here about how "easy" first time parenting should be for us.
I'm glad ye ****ers all had such self sufficient babies. Me being around (we have no other family here) reduces the load on my wife from overwhelming to manageable. It's still a lot of work and along with some work around the house is keeping us busy most days. Seriously, **** off with such judging. What kind of outdated parenting model are some people here subscribing to?
*Mod note*
Please do not abuse other posters

Peatys

vetinari wrote: »

****ing hell, some of the posters here would be awful awful house guests.
Ye'd need a contract to wash some dishes. I'd feel sorry for any poor person that ye deign to visit.
God forbid that every minute of your visit wasn't full of relaxing downtime.

It's hard not to compare how my grandmother interacts with my son to my niece.
My son is only her second grandchild. Maybe it will change a bit as he gets a bit older.
My niece is 2 years old so obviously is a lot more interactive.
She also volunteered to mind my niece 3 days a week.
If we're still living abroad, she'll always have a closer relationship with my niece as she sees her so much.
That's just the way it is. You would have thought though that she would be all about her son while she's here since she won't see him very much.

It's been completely my parents choice not to travel over here for the last 11 years.
They actually brought up the idea of coming over after the baby arrives.
I'll grin and bear the rest of the days they have here and see how she acts as my son gets older.

Still in awe of some of the selfish people here who would actually expect a full on holiday when staying with someone with a newborn. What planet are ye on? That's what stunned me about my mother. I never would have expected that she'd be in that mode. I didn't even think this needed explaining.

Also there's some serious judgement going on here about how "easy" first time parenting should be for us.
I'm glad ye ****ers all had such self sufficient babies. Me being around (we have no other family here) reduces the load on my wife from overwhelming to manageable. It's still a lot of work and along with some work around the house is keeping us busy most days. Seriously, **** off with such judging. What kind of outdated parenting model are some people here subscribing to?

Let it go, no point in arguing with people you don't know. Either take the opinions (that you asked for) onboard or don't.

Hitman3000

vetinari wrote:

****ing hell, some of the posters here would be awful awful house guests. Ye'd need a contract to wash some dishes. I'd feel sorry for any poor person that ye deign to visit. God forbid that every minute of your visit wasn't full of relaxing downtime.

So have you had a chat with your Mum yet, or is she physic?

vetinari

vetinari wrote: »

In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping.

this is the part i took most notice of. seems relevant.

maybe she thinks that she instilled this attitude in her kids?

i get that a newborn makes it a different scenario, but tbh it was kinda on you if inviting them around to set the expectations if you were aware of the above.

Wildly Boaring

It's the MIL thing

She does not want to be the overbearing MIL that everyone complains about.

My mam was v quiet unless asked with our first. She's a lovely woman who loves her grandkids and just wants to not be seen as interfering. She loves taking her when asked but when in our house will keep out of the way and act "like a guest".

Wife's mam is opposite and sometimes has to be asked to sit and relax.

Also if I was in oz or where ever and my mam visited I would have no bother giving lifts to public transport. You do remember this woman did everything for you for your whole childhood.

vetinari

Thanks for completely missing the point Hitman3000.
To reiterate the point of my post. I'm surprised at the low interest my mother appears to have in my son.
You don't tell someone "Hey, be more interested in my son".

Was hoping to hear from other people who had gone thought something similar.