Grandmother showing low interest in newborn

Hitman3000

I now get the description 'entitled'.

professore

OP I think you need to grow up. It's your wife and your baby and while it would be nice for your mammy to help out, she owes you nothing. Anything she does is strictly voluntary.

By the same token, if you are unhappy with her demands, then tell her! If it's hassle to drive her round everywhere, tell her to get a taxi! You are both adults now. At some point in the future you or your siblings will have to take care of her.

Maybe she's dying to help but doesn't want to interfere. Who knows - you've never talked to her.

Welcome to adulthood.

jlm29

Maybe she thinks that two grown ups looking after one baby full time should have it covered?

If she’s going to see the baby that infrequently, I’m guessing she hasn’t met your daughter in-law often enough to feel comfortable swiping the baby and packing her off to bed. And if they haven’t been in your house in that long, they probably feel like guests.

Have you tried actually talking to her, or asking her to spend time with baby, rather than just expecting it? Something like “here Mam, Mary wants to get a bit of a rest tomorrow, and I’d like to catch up on washing a few pots, any chance you’d put the baby in the pram and take her out for a walk.”

Hitman3000

jlm29 wrote:

Have you tried actually talking to her, or asking her to spend time with baby, rather than just expecting it? Something like “here Mam, Mary wants to get a bit of a rest tomorrow, and I’d like to catch up on washing a few pots, any chance you’d put the baby in the pram and take her out for a walk.â€

Far better to come on Boards and have a rant about his Mum than actually have a conversation with her it seems.

Lemonposset

Ah I think you're all being a bit harsh on OP. I know my mum came to visit for a week when my 1st was 4 weeks old and it was a blessed relief because even though he was good, those 1st 3 months are hard! I could not have entertained even much loved family members for 10 hours never mind 10 days and that's not being selfish or entitled or not wanting my mum to have a break or a holiday, it was me being so tired I couldn't look after myself.

OP, I think people forget how hard those first few months are when their kids are grown up. Maybe your mum has too? I do think it's strange that she's not showing more interest in a new grandchild, I could hardly shake my mother & mother-in-law off & I don't think that's unusual. Maybe she's not a baby person, some people are better at the toddler stage. It's an added stressor for you at an allready stressful time but try not to worry. Havn't you a lovely little boy and family & it would be nice if your mum showed more interest but so what if she doesn't. It's a finite time, just get through it!

tomwaits48

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Far better to come on Boards and have a rant about his Mum than actually have a conversation with her it seems.

And who has the time to come on to boards and type out a rant with a newborn in the house? I certainly didn’t and any downtime I got, I’d be napping,

irishmoss

From reading your post it would seem you invited them over to help you fix the house, right? Your Dad seems to be doing this. Your mother on the other hand is not helping out as you see it.

I think your mother is going exploring to get out of the way. She sees your father doing what he was asked to do and probably feels good, like your dad that he can help with these things. Your mother on the other hand sounds like the traditional Irish Mammy, only one woman rules the house and one woman in the kitchen. She is respecting your wife's authority in the home and will not do things until asked.

You said they haven't used their passports in 11 years so I am guessing you were one who asked them over? You thought it would be a good time to see their grandchild and get your Dad to fix things in the new house. The timing was wrong and that is your mistake. Your wife is tired as are you and if she is upset your mother hasn't taken a more hand on roll she may have give off the impression to your mother she is in the way. Your mother in no way sounds a selfish person from your description, it's your choice to live abroad and I'm sure if you lived at home she would help out too

Put the whole thing down to bad timing on your part and be glad your parents got to share a little time with your new baby.

afkasurfjunkie

The dynamic between son and daughters baby is different too. My mam was always very hands on with my baby, now toddler but I don’t think my mother in law ever changed his nappy or even held him for too long and that’s ok too. She’s a great mother in law, she’s raised her own and knows to take a step back and leave me to the parenting. Similarly my mam wouldn’t be as involved with my brother’s kids as their granny on the mum’s side is very involved.

shesty

Three small kids here...relationship with my own mother and mother in law is very different, when it comes to the kids.And it was for my mother too, when we were small.Not bad-just different.She is in her daughter in law's house, she may not feel comfortable stepping in without being asked(which is quite admirable in it's own way, believe me).Maybe you need to ask her outright to do pots, hold the baby etc. rather than expecting her to be inspired.I have a 12 week old at the moment, and yeah, it's hard work and my mum will hold him and help if I am in her house, but she's not going out of her way to come five minutes down the road to me.She has raised her kids, and honestly, when you have kids, you have to find your own way to do things.Sorry OP, i wouldn't appreciate visitors at this stage in a new baby's life specifically because I would feel they are visitors and I would want to look after them, and not be able to do that with a newborn.I would not expect them to be mucking in like a parent.That one's on you.

robindch

vetinari wrote: »

She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected.

The mother of one guy in my extended family has been blessed with eight grandchildren and two great-grand children. With the exception of a few years intermittent help with the first grandchild (who lived at home for complicated reasons), this excellent lady has essentially not lifted a finger over the course of thirty-five years to help anybody with childcare for any of her ten grandchildren/great-grand children, though she has spent countless hours during this time lecturing the lot of them ad nauseam about how selfish, miserable and unfulfilled they all are.

Some people are just like that.

*shrugs*

faceache

Speaking as a grandmother of a 3 yr old and 6 mth old that I adore (my daughter's children) I would not have changed many nappies when they were newborn. I was visiting regularly and I would have changed one if asked but it wasn't an issue, I just let them get on with it. Now I would not expect to be waited on and would have washed up dishes etc (although sometimes you can get the 'look' as though you are critisising by cleaning!) I would change the nappies now obviously if I was looking after them for a while but wouldn't have had them solely on my own when they were newborn so didn't need to.

As for being all over the baby, new babies are cute and all that but a little hold will do me, they are not very interactive as already mentioned and there is only so much holding them you can do! What are you meant to do, just be looking at them! I would hold or feed the baby if asked of course but again would just let the new mom get on with it.

I find them much more interesting and fun once they pass the 6 month mark at least and the 3 yr old is an absolute delight, we have great fun.

I'm afraid tiny babies are a tad boring to anyone other than the besotted new parents, doesn't mean they will be bad grandparents to them when older.

iamwhoiam

As a nana I would much prefer to be asked to do something than be criticised for interfering . When my daughter had a small baby I would help out as much as I could but much preferred when she said " can you watch baby while I slip to the shop " or could you maybe wheel the baby out while I have a shower " etc
Communicate OP , ask your mother to do bits or to mind the baby while you do jobs .
Also and its only a guess , maybe your mum is a little wary of getting too close to the baby knowing she must leave in a few days and not see him much . Self protection maybe ?

JJayoo

She probably thought that you were capable of minding your own child, what a silly woman she is.

irishmoss

Absolutely agree with this. OP mentioned the Mum seems not capable of getting her own meals but maybe she feels it would be rude not to all eat together in the evening.
Obviously the whole experience has gotten to the OP but whatever you do don't open your mouth! Enjoy your last few days together and remember when you go home to her place you will be waited on hand and foot as she has probably always done.

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Communicate OP , ask your mother to do bits or to mind the baby while you do jobs .

vetinari

****ing hell, some of the posters here would be awful awful house guests.
Ye'd need a contract to wash some dishes. I'd feel sorry for any poor person that ye deign to visit.
God forbid that every minute of your visit wasn't full of relaxing downtime.

It's hard not to compare how my grandmother interacts with my son to my niece.
My son is only her second grandchild. Maybe it will change a bit as he gets a bit older.
My niece is 2 years old so obviously is a lot more interactive.
She also volunteered to mind my niece 3 days a week.
If we're still living abroad, she'll always have a closer relationship with my niece as she sees her so much.
That's just the way it is. You would have thought though that she would be all about her son while she's here since she won't see him very much.

It's been completely my parents choice not to travel over here for the last 11 years.
They actually brought up the idea of coming over after the baby arrives.
I'll grin and bear the rest of the days they have here and see how she acts as my son gets older.

Still in awe of some of the selfish people here who would actually expect a full on holiday when staying with someone with a newborn. What planet are ye on? That's what stunned me about my mother. I never would have expected that she'd be in that mode. I didn't even think this needed explaining.

Also there's some serious judgement going on here about how "easy" first time parenting should be for us.
I'm glad ye ****ers all had such self sufficient babies. Me being around (we have no other family here) reduces the load on my wife from overwhelming to manageable. It's still a lot of work and along with some work around the house is keeping us busy most days. Seriously, **** off with such judging. What kind of outdated parenting model are some people here subscribing to?
*Mod note*
Please do not abuse other posters

Peatys

vetinari wrote: »

****ing hell, some of the posters here would be awful awful house guests.
Ye'd need a contract to wash some dishes. I'd feel sorry for any poor person that ye deign to visit.
God forbid that every minute of your visit wasn't full of relaxing downtime.

It's hard not to compare how my grandmother interacts with my son to my niece.
My son is only her second grandchild. Maybe it will change a bit as he gets a bit older.
My niece is 2 years old so obviously is a lot more interactive.
She also volunteered to mind my niece 3 days a week.
If we're still living abroad, she'll always have a closer relationship with my niece as she sees her so much.
That's just the way it is. You would have thought though that she would be all about her son while she's here since she won't see him very much.

It's been completely my parents choice not to travel over here for the last 11 years.
They actually brought up the idea of coming over after the baby arrives.
I'll grin and bear the rest of the days they have here and see how she acts as my son gets older.

Still in awe of some of the selfish people here who would actually expect a full on holiday when staying with someone with a newborn. What planet are ye on? That's what stunned me about my mother. I never would have expected that she'd be in that mode. I didn't even think this needed explaining.

Also there's some serious judgement going on here about how "easy" first time parenting should be for us.
I'm glad ye ****ers all had such self sufficient babies. Me being around (we have no other family here) reduces the load on my wife from overwhelming to manageable. It's still a lot of work and along with some work around the house is keeping us busy most days. Seriously, **** off with such judging. What kind of outdated parenting model are some people here subscribing to?

Let it go, no point in arguing with people you don't know. Either take the opinions (that you asked for) onboard or don't.

Hitman3000

vetinari wrote:

****ing hell, some of the posters here would be awful awful house guests. Ye'd need a contract to wash some dishes. I'd feel sorry for any poor person that ye deign to visit. God forbid that every minute of your visit wasn't full of relaxing downtime.

So have you had a chat with your Mum yet, or is she physic?

vetinari

vetinari wrote: »

In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping.

this is the part i took most notice of. seems relevant.

maybe she thinks that she instilled this attitude in her kids?

i get that a newborn makes it a different scenario, but tbh it was kinda on you if inviting them around to set the expectations if you were aware of the above.

Wildly Boaring

It's the MIL thing

She does not want to be the overbearing MIL that everyone complains about.

My mam was v quiet unless asked with our first. She's a lovely woman who loves her grandkids and just wants to not be seen as interfering. She loves taking her when asked but when in our house will keep out of the way and act "like a guest".

Wife's mam is opposite and sometimes has to be asked to sit and relax.

Also if I was in oz or where ever and my mam visited I would have no bother giving lifts to public transport. You do remember this woman did everything for you for your whole childhood.

vetinari

Thanks for completely missing the point Hitman3000.
To reiterate the point of my post. I'm surprised at the low interest my mother appears to have in my son.
You don't tell someone "Hey, be more interested in my son".

Was hoping to hear from other people who had gone thought something similar.

Hitman3000

vetinari wrote:

Thanks for completely missing the point Hitman3000. To reiterate the point of my post. I'm surprised at the low interest my mother appears to have in my son. You don't tell someone "Hey, be more interested in my son".

Not missing any point, you are having a rant on the internet to a bunch of strangers being abusive to some and downright rude to others . When instead you should ask your Mum to go for a walk and have a chat to see is there a problem. But hey ranting here is far more constructive isn't it?

irishmoss

You know your mother might have realised she made a mistake coming so soon and all she is doing is getting out from under your feet.
This could be nothing more than she knows it was a wrong time to visit so is letting you get on with it.

vetinari wrote: »

Thanks for completely missing the point Hitman3000.
To reiterate the point of my post. I'm surprised at the low interest my mother appears to have in my son.
You don't tell someone "Hey, be more interested in my son".

Was hoping to hear from other people who had gone thought something similar.

shesty

vetinari wrote: »

Thanks for completely missing the point Hitman3000.
To reiterate the point of my post. I'm surprised at the low interest my mother appears to have in my son.
You don't tell someone "Hey, be more interested in my son".

Was hoping to hear from other people who had gone thought something similar.

Would washing the dishes mean she was showing more interest?
Sorry OP, I mean she's a bit ridiculous expecting to be cooked for or lifts to a subway, but outside that she has no obligation towards the child.Is he being breastfed by the way?Seriously, there could be any number of reasons why she's not hovering over the baby all day long but I am going to hazard a guess at first time abroad in that country and wants to see a few things, (possibly a costly trip?) and her daughter in law (that maybe she doesm't know that well) is the mum, and she doesn't want to stand on toes.
First time parenting is hard as hell, but you have to find your way.That's what I'm saying.It's up to you guys not your parents.It's a nice idea that you might get a night out or something with them there, but seriously that's about it.

Would you rather your wife be complaining because your mum was standing all over her toes??There's rarely any middle ground on that one.

Electric Sheep

Did you invite them for a vacation or summon them to be the unpaid help for two weeks? If the first you are being unreasonable, if the second they are not holding up their end of the bargain.

iamwhoiam

OP . You say your mum is showing little interest in a 6 week old baby . At that age apart from holding them or giving a bottle there isn't a lot to do with them
I am not sure why you think washing pots or making dinner would be an indicator of her interest in an infant ? And I am sure the baby sleeps more than awake so she is unlikely to be sat staring at him really

vetinari

shesty, you might be right. Maybe there is no middle ground.
Obviously, I'd prefer a disinterested grandmother to an overbearing grandmother but maybe there is no middle ground.

To the people talking about "what way" I invited them over, I honestly have no clue about what you're talking about.
It naturally came up over the phone that they wanted to visit the new baby. Was I supposed to ask them what type of visit it would be? That would be a sure way to cause a rift in our family. Can someone explain to me how that conversation is expected to go?

Grandmother: We'd like to come over to see the baby.
Me: Sounds good. Btw, it's only okay for ye to come over so early if ye're going to be helping some bit with the baby or household tasks.

Doe that type of conversation work for other people? My mother would be massively offended.

sydthebeat

Plague Maiden wrote: »

Maybe she just wants a holiday. She's minding a child 3 days a week at a time in her life where she may have expected to be past that sort of thing. Cut her some slack.

Exactly my sentiments.

vetinari

iamwhoiam wrote: »

OP . You say your mum is showing little interest in a 6 week old baby . At that age apart from holding them or giving a bottle there isn't a lot to do with them
I am not sure why you think washing pots or making dinner would be an indicator of her interest in an infant ? And I am sure the baby sleeps more than awake so she is unlikely to be sat staring at him really

Baby has been awake a lot over the past few days. Think he slept about 2 and a half hours today during the day yesterday.
There's been plenty of time to interact with the baby. My Dad has proactively played with him on one of the playmats.
My mother has watched him on the playmat when explicitly asked. She didn't really interact with him.

By interact, I mean things like saying "good job" if he manages to kick the piano at the end of the mat.
Hold his hand, get close to him on the ground. She for whatever reason has been very cautious around him.

To head off the inevitable responses from some people, proactively playing with the baby for 20 minutes is not the same as "playing with him all day". There's no middle ground with some posters here.

TG1

Wildly Boaring wrote: »

It's the MIL thing

She does not want to be the overbearing MIL that everyone complains about.

My mam was v quiet unless asked with our first. She's a lovely woman who loves her grandkids and just wants to not be seen as interfering. She loves taking her when asked but when in our house will keep out of the way and act "like a guest".

Wife's mam is opposite and sometimes has to be asked to sit and relax.

Also if I was in oz or where ever and my mam visited I would have no bother giving lifts to public transport. You do remember this woman did everything for you for your whole childhood.

I totally agree with the above, it's completely different for the father's mam to the mothers mam. I would suspect your mam is just trying to avoid your wife feeling like she is being pushy or overbearing. She is probably dying to help out but doesn't want to push herself on another woman's home and child. Maybe try offering her the opportunity to do a few bits like others have suggested and see what happens?

iamwhoiam

vetinari wrote: »

Baby has been awake a lot over the past few days. Think he slept about 2 and a half hours today during the day yesterday.
There's been plenty of time to interact with the baby. My Dad has proactively played with him on one of the playmats.
My mother has watched him on the playmat when explicitly asked. She didn't really interact with him.

By interact, I mean things like saying "good job" if he manages to kick the piano at the end of the mat.
Hold his hand, get close to him on the ground. She for whatever reason has been very cautious around him.

To head off the inevitable responses from some people, proactively playing with the baby for 20 minutes is not the same as "playing with him all day". There's no middle ground with some posters here.

At risk of repeating myself maybe your mum is actually avoiding being to close so she won't feel a wrench when she has to leave ? It's possible she is protecting herself by not getting too close