Grandmother showing low interest in newborn

Turnipman

Maybe it's just that your mother doesn't really like you. Although for the life of me I cannot imagine why that would be.

*mod note*
less of the personal abuse please

TG1

lawred2 wrote: »

My folks are similar. Raised both my sister's kids but when they visit us it's feet up and waited on from start to finish.

[...]

I suppose because they don't visit here outside of very rare events my mother doesn't really feel part of the homestead where it is different with my sister. I'm sure it's difficult for her too. She doesn't really want to step on anyone's toes. Some people are better than others at getting stuck in.

I really think this is the bit that causes so much upset. Mams have mucked in with their own kids all their life, they've wiped arses, cleaned vomit, tied up hair, wiped tears etc.etc. so doing it when their kids are grown is still like second nature.

However, rightly or wrongly, children and households are still seen as the woman in the relationships domain, so while a mother will muck in with a daughters household and children, she may be more reluctant to do so with a sons, as she hasn't mucked in with her daughter in law all her life.

I see it with my own mam, in my sister's house she cleans the oven while my sister's at work, in my brother's house she gets a takeaway rather than use their oven without being told she can... It's a weird one, and I would say a lot of grown sons struggle to get their head round it, but I really think in the ops situation, your wife making an effort to ask her to do a few bits, framing it as it would be doing her a favour l, might do the trick.

shesty

OP as I said, there IS no middle ground on this.Trust me, I am coming from a position where I have a well-meaning MIL, who fails to recognise boundaries regularly.It causes friction and it's not nice.

What you have to realise is that the introduction of a child changes family dynamics in ways you can't anticipate.Everyone has to find their place in the new order.Throw in a foreign country, first time abroad in 11 years, DIL's house and your mum probably isn't sure what to do.Did it occur to you that maybe she's leaving the house all day to get out from under your feet?That your Dad is busy there, so maybe she feels like a spare part and that she has to leave just to give you guys some space?

As for interacting with the child, you are getting into parenting styles now....I don't mean to be rude, but I wouldn't be saying good job to a six week old on a mat either - I'll tell you why-because if my six week old is happily playing on a mat, I leave them to it and take the ten minutes to do a job, or sit and stare at a wall for a bit.Your mum has raised kids and minded kids, it's quite likely she feels the same way.However I do appreciate this is your first time and time teaches you a lot on these things.Equally I get that you seem to be getting some sort of vibe from your mum, but maybe you just need to accept that the whole situation is new for you and her and she's working it out.Otherwise I am not really sure what you expect from her.They wanted to see the child, they came to see you for the first time in 11 years, quite a long journey, which should tell you a lot.The fact that they aren't behaving as parents is your problem really and you need to tell them if you'd like more help.Believe me, she is doing your DIL a service by helping when asked, and not trying to do everything herself.It mightn't feel that way but I can assure the other way around is irritating to say the least.

And skullsocks, yes we all know our first is phenomenally hard, but most of us have learned that while you do welcome help, you have to figure it out for yourself and realise you are the no.1 adult in the child's life and you can't pawn that responsibility off on your own parents-they've already learned that lesson.

JustAThought

Your mother who rarely travels takes her first overseas trip - in eleven years and the OP - a grown business man on paternity leave is on moaning that she wants to see the tourist sights and is not doing /enough cleaning and housework for him. Meanwhile his elderly father is doing his DIY around his sons newly bought house -and prefers to not have his son involved with him. Speaks volumes. The OP would be better to realise that his parents /in laws are not his lifes facilitators or servants and that there is more to being a son than expecting elderly parents to drop and dive for his every need.No doubt they paid for their trip and flights - their hard earned savings or pittance from childminding spend on what - a trip to be in a house with a tense athmosphere and the expectation that for this outlay they will wash and scrub and be day relief for you and your wife - both off on leave from jobs. His parents came to see their grandchild - no doubt at his invitation or with great excitement. Perhaps now it is the OP's time to learn from his mothers example and learn from her hosting skills and not let them lift a finger -I mean -WHO does laundry or mops floors as a guest - what kind of host expects this? It is time this man starts to man up to his responsibilities both as a host, and a son. OP - YOUR ELDERLY PARENTS ARE NOT YOUR SERVANTS and they deserve better than this from you. Are you jealous of the other sibling who your mother works for and expects that she shows she loves you as much by minding your child too and doing all the things you have heard she does so well (paid) for your sibling? You may be stressed at having a newborn and moving house at the same time but that does not excuse you - I would suggest you dig deep into.your well of empathy and values and treat your parents/in-laws like golden guests and take some time to make the feel welcome and treat them and show them some sights and out for a meal or two or it will be the first and last visit you have from them and they may never repeat it - leaving your child without any chance of a healthy relationship with or knowing his grandparents - who sound like lovely kind traditional caring people with good values. You need to step up - they are invited guests not tradespeople or service providers. And with every frozen stare or frosty expectation you are driving them further and further away from having any visit or relationship in the future.

Electric Sheep

vetinari wrote: »

irishmoss wrote: »

Emigration can be hard on families, maybe she is punishing you for moving far away. Given that she never visited in 11 years says something that's assuming that neither work or financial issues were a factor in her not visiting. On the other hand we don't know how close you have been or what contact you have had with your parents since you left.

I have wondered if it's something to do with us buying a house.
That does in a way cement us being here for quite a while.
We generally have a good relationship.
I call home once a week and go home 2 to 3 times a year.
I live in the United States so think that's not bad considering the distance.


She to emphasize does not travel far from home at all.
She has a brother that lives near London that she hasn't visited in god knows how long. I think at least 15 years. That brother will visit home most years.


It's hard to guage at times. What's "that's just the way someone is" vs "that person should make more of an effort"? To be honest, if I was the brother, I'd be insulted that my sister won't make the effort of a 1 hour flight to visit me every few years.

The attitude that the person who emigrated is the person who must make all the effort to keep in touch is very common in Ireland, though less so than in the past. Among my generation who emigrated in the 80s and 90s it was expected that we were the ones who phoned and we were the ones who travelled. Any parents who came for a visit had their flight bought for them and were catered to while visiting. Not particularly fair but very common.

Sardonicat

Electric Sheep wrote: »

vetinari wrote: »

irishmoss wrote: »

Emigration can be hard on families, maybe she is punishing you for moving far away. Given that she never visited in 11 years says something that's assuming that neither work or financial issues were a factor in her not visiting. On the other hand we don't know how close you have been or what contact you have had with your parents since you left.

I have wondered if it's something to do with us buying a house.
That does in a way cement us being here for quite a while.
We generally have a good relationship.
I call home once a week and go home 2 to 3 times a year.
I live in the United States so think that's not bad considering the distance.


She to emphasize does not travel far from home at all.
She has a brother that lives near London that she hasn't visited in god knows how long. I think at least 15 years. That brother will visit home most years.


It's hard to guage at times. What's "that's just the way someone is" vs "that person should make more of an effort"? To be honest, if I was the brother, I'd be insulted that my sister won't make the effort of a 1 hour flight to visit me every few years.

The attitude that the person who emigrated is the person who must make all the effort to keep in touch is very common in Ireland, though less so than in the past. Among my generation who emigrated in the 80s and 90s it was expected that we were the ones who phoned and we were the ones who travelled. Any parents who came for a visit had their flight bought for them and were catered to while visiting. Not particularly fair but very common.

Indeed. And often had money sent home to them from the emigrated child as well. A far, far cry from "expecting" a parent to pitch in with the cooking and cleaning and diy in their adult child's home.

the purple tin

vetinari wrote: »

I live abroad and we had a baby boy 6 weeks ago.
We also moved into the house we bought 5 weeks ago.
I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of paternity leave so I'm still off work.
Our son has also been placid enough so far.

My parents have come over to visit for 10 days.
They've been here now about a week.

My parents don't travel much, indeed this is the first time they've used their passports since the last time they visited me 11 years ago. I go home a few times a year.

My Dad has been a great help at doing handyman jobs around the house and generally proactively finding stuff for himself to do. He likes that kind of stuff and has chosen to do that over some touristy activities. Completely up to him what he wants to do. I haven't been giving him any orders, he just tells me about tasks he wants to work on.

I guess I had expectations around how much my Mom would be helping out. She minds her other grandchild at home 3 days a week and seems to like doing it. I thought she would either be very hands on in terms of help with the baby or cook a few times while here (say 2 to 3 times over 10 days)

Instead it's been like having guests in that respect. We've done all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping for the most part. The extent to which my mother is helping with the baby is holding him when asked or giving him an odd bottle when asked. She hasn't changed a nappy, proactively looked after him for an extended period of time or done any of his laundry.

Indeed on top of that, she's been treating the visit as a conventional type holiday. She's asking me most days to drive her to certain attractions, to the subway station to go into town, to collect her from the station etc. There's not much of a "I just want to stay and spend time with my grandson who I'll only see about 4 weeks a year"

She seems a lot less engaged with my son than I expected. Is she feeling out of place in a different house? In her own house, she won't let you do anything, will do all the cooking and grocery shopping. Maybe she's expecting the same of us. It's like she hasn't accounted for the fact we have a 6 week old newborn to take care of.

Classic Dad move; leggit to the shed or up a ladder so you don't have to socialise

Hotblack Desiato

fits wrote: »

OP I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to expect a bit of help around the house and with meals etc. some people are nervous around newborns and that’s fine. Baby’s Mum and dad are the most important people at this stage but your mother could still provide support. You might need to spell it out for her a bit though. I’m sure it wouldn’t be rude to ask her and your dad to make dinner one evening just a “ could ye look after dinner today?”

Put aside for a moment that there is a newborn in the house, to stay in someone's home, expect lifts on a daily basis and be cooked for and not offer to help with dishes, pay for food etc. is being a very selfish house guest.

At least the grandfather is doing a bit to help out.

pwurple wrote: »

She is clearly a home bird and very uncomfortable in someone else's house. She does everything in her own domain on her own terms.

Yes, it's a whole new ballgame clearing a table or loading a dishwasher in another country, she'd need to be trained up...

Purple Mountain

the purple tin wrote: »

Classic Dad move; leggit to the shed or up a ladder so you don't have to socialise

Or change nappies!

iamwhoiam

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Or change nappies!

Or wash the dirty pots

Moonbeam

closing this thread