former carer

shadowgirl

I have been a carer for the guts of 20 years for my parents who passed away 10 years ago.
my mother in law who died this year
and my husband who is back on the mend and back at work.

the thing is, I feel lost.
I have lost contact with the friends I had and gave up work to look after my mother who had Alzheimer disease.

so I am at a loose end, and no idea what to do now that the responsibility of caring is over.

I miss being busy.

for the last week I haven't left the house and all I do is watch tv or play games online and I feel empty of life.
my husband and my son are busy working and living life where as I feel like I have been dropped in a hole going round and around in circles

sorry if I am not suppose to post here.

Sg

looksee

You are very welcome to post here, your situation is one of the intended ways for the forum to be used. Its entirely understandable that you should feel the way you do and you need to both give yourself chance to get your head together, but also make a decision to do something positive for yourself now you have the chance.

What would you like to do? Would you consider going back to education? Depending a bit on what level of education you had already you could decide to do a degree or go to adult education. In your situation I did both, I had gone to college - which I had never had the opportunity to do before - while my husband was not working through illness, but before he was sick enough to need serious care. Then later I got work on the back of that qualification in Adult Education. Then he got to a stage where he needed someone at home, and some years later passed away, and now, well over retirement age, I am going into a business with my daughter. So its never too late!

But you have to do what you find appealing. Maybe you are not yet ready for that kind of commitment. Instead of watching tv, take yourself out. If you only go somewhere and have a cup of coffee, even on your own, you will begin to see the possibilities. Go to the local library and see what courses or groups are meeting. Maybe a knit and natter group - if you are not crafty don't worry, go for the natter and let someone show you how to knit. Try the local swimming pool for aqua-aerobics or something of that sort.

Take your time, go at the pace you feel like. Even go to the cinema in the afternoon! Just go out at least once or twice a week, if only for a walk. Be good to yourself, you have a lot of catching up to do, and do come here and tell us how you are doing, if you feel like doing that. Take care!

baby and crumble

Hey Op.

There isn’t much in Ireland for former carers but there’s 2 things that might help.

A booklet was published earlier in the year written with and by former carers like yourself- http://carealliance.ie/userfiles/file/The%20Way%20Ahead%20Web%20SP.pdf

Family Carers ireland have a program running this year called Plan c- you might want to look it up. This is the only link I can find but most counties have a local
Family Carers branch you could contact and ask. https://familycarers.ie/dormant-accounts-funding-2018/

shadowgirl

Hi girls (assuming your females)
thanks for replying and the advice.
I have been so lost and isolated of late.
its like I stepped out of line and don't know how to get back in.
I will try some of the things you recommended and will read that book.

it never dawned on me at 36 when I took on looking after my dad that my decision would lead me to a life of isolation...though I will never regret looking after my loved ones, I learned a lot about myself in the time I spent with them.
like most carers they learn they have a lot more strength than they thought they had

anyway thanks for listening to me and trying to help.

SG

looksee

I would like to make a comment here shadowgirl, but I am not sure if I can express it. As you are aware you stepped out of the flow of social life, it maybe you don't really want to step back in, not to where you stepped out anyway. You are 20 years older and you have changed. Life does that, its just not always that clear cut. Don't see it as trying to rejoin something, more going and being a little eddy of your own in the river. First find something to be interested in, then allow the sense of re-absorbtion to happen by itself. Be aware of the change in yourself, you have become more self-contained, more able to cope, you don't have to 'compete' or prove yourself.

Of course what I am saying is a reflection of me, it might be different for you.

What I do think from your posts is that this last week has just been a blip or a breather in the course of things. You still have the go and the spirit to pick yourself up and start again. You now have the opportunity to take a breather when you want, so don't worry about it, enjoy a few days of vegging, then move on again. Go for it girl!

shadowgirl

thanks looksee, I understand what you meant and it makes a lot of sense to me.
I have looked into getting myself a good camera as I love photography.

and I am going to look into a course on digital photography.

thanks for the replies.

I am also going to start a blog...so many new carers have no idea where to go or what to do when a parent are old and get ill or are diagnosed with things like dementia
again thank you for taking the time to reply again...sometimes it takes someone to say something that just clicks with you to get you moving again

Sg

Red Hare

Hi ya shadow girl,

Maybe i am completely off track but I wonder if you would consider working as a home care assistant. All the strength of character and skills that you have built up would be of great benefit to the needy. Such a job would also involve you meeting new people in your community as well as making colleagues and connections also.

shadowgirl

I have already been head hunted by someone from the hse.
they asked if I would consider a job in care giving for the hse as they are crying out for people with the skills I have.
but I don't know if you will understand what I say when I say " I have no more to give" well at least at the moment

it takes all my effort to just get up and go out for a walk.
I suppose recovery from a life change takes time
and I am trying one day at a time.

anyway thank you so much for your thoughts.

all the best
sg

Are there any organizations in your area that you could volunteer with? Maybe something that interests you like history, environment etc. From experience, I know that doing a CE Scheme can be very beneficial.
Look up all organisations or committees in your area and give them a go, one at a time.