Fear of driving but not driving at all

Vlove

I am a 23 year old student and can't drive. Every time I was on my dad's or when I was on my 2 driving instructors (yeah i had 2) cars, I was always panicking, get easily distracted and always fear that I'd do damage! It doesn't help that I have aspergers with anxiety and like my anxiety levels go through the roof whenever i sat on the drivers seat.

So I failed my first driving test and that knocked me confidence a lot. I was suppose to have a second test in early August which was this month, but then I chickened out and lost the fee (since this was my third time to cancel the test). I hadn't done much practice since last early September and like I just would dread to drive a car especially if its a manual transition! I have thought about driving an automatic instead but I just feel like crap over the fact that I can't drive and that makes me like a failure to myself! I honestly feel very lost with this and the fact, I don't want my parents/family members ending up shouting at my ears everytime I do a stupid mistake or more on the road.

The rest of my cousins can drive and like some of them are younger then me. They also started driving even when they were just under 18! I just feel jealous that I can't drive with no confidience but they can. As much as driving pees me off, I honestly would love my own kind of transport and not having to be heavily dependant on my parents bringing me from A to Z. As well since there isnt any transport where I live, it's hard to go anywhere especially if even if your parents are working and off college for the summer with no job!

I really don't want to end up being a non driver for the rest of my life and waste my learner permit. i know its expensive of course but its just stressful to think you cant go anywhere without a car! Any advice would be appreciated, thanks

talkingllama

Hi,

Been there done that! To be honest, I say you have the wrong driving instructor. You need to find a specialist instructor who has lots of experience with nervous/anxious drivers (they are out there) and just have lessons with them. The right instructor will be so calm and soothing that they will halve your anxiety. No lessons with your parents, it's not worth the stress.

I had 4 instructors myself, at various stages from the age of 17 to 32 when I finally passed my test, and yes, I grew up rural too and had the terrifying experience of my mother sitting in the passenger seat with her hand on the hand brake. Even after my test I didn't drive regularly for 3 years until a job I took meant it was essential, at which point I said f*** that and bought an automatic.

And now it's grand! Day to day stuff no problem, new stuff just need to map it out on google maps before hand so I know where i'm going, but otherwise it's fine.

Lastly, you know yourself that you can't keep comparing yourself to your cousins. It's a complete waste of energy. You can spend your entire life comparing yourself to others and it will never make you happy. It's something we all have to learn to cope with one way or the other.

All the best, you'll get there!

Vlove

Thanks a lot for your reply as it is a hard situation for me atm. Actually my first instructor was extremely over the top and my 2nd instructor was the best in the world since he was calm. I suppose its trying to cope with my anxiety as well as trying my hardest with my autism.

Since you said you're driving an automatic, did you find it hard to drive a manual too? I know it would be great to not practice with your parents but since you're only a learner, it's required that a full licence driver sits with you throughout the practicing process. Yeah that's good to use google maps too!

I know but when you see someone/s related to ya and doing better then ya with driving, you just feel left out completely. However yeah I see you have a point there, we all have to cope with it regardless!

talkingllama wrote: »

Hi,

Been there done that! To be honest, I say you have the wrong driving instructor. You need to find a specialist instructor who has lots of experience with nervous/anxious drivers (they are out there) and just have lessons with them. The right instructor will be so calm and soothing that they will halve your anxiety. No lessons with your parents, it's not worth the stress.

I had 4 instructors myself, at various stages from the age of 17 to 32 when I finally passed my test, and yes, I grew up rural too and had the terrifying experience of my mother sitting in the passenger seat with her hand on the hand brake. Even after my test I didn't drive regularly for 3 years until a job I took meant it was essential, at which point I said f*** that and bought an automatic.

And now it's grand! Day to day stuff no problem, new stuff just need to map it out on google maps before hand so I know where i'm going, but otherwise it's fine.

Lastly, you know yourself that you can't keep comparing yourself to your cousins. It's a complete waste of energy. You can spend your entire life comparing yourself to others and it will never make you happy. It's something we all have to learn to cope with one way or the other.

All the best, you'll get there!

Dravokivich

A guy I worked with had aspergers and it took him 10/11 goes to pass his test. If you've issues with anxiety, do you go to a counsellor? They might be able to help you somewhat. I'd definitely advise against tests until you've gotten very comfortable with going through all the processes involved in driving.

s7ryf3925pivug

Yeah failing a test might make you more anxious the next time you do a test.

I learnt mainly on quiet roads in late evening or night. This might be a good idea, to develop and internalize the technical skills like that first, then deal with stuff like traffic later.

Ditto with ASD and anxiety with driving. Definitely worth putting up with parents or family members if you can to get the test.

LegacyUser

Hiya! I've had loads of difficulty driving as well and no spring chicken! Live in the countryside too. I'm currently on my... 6th driving instructor, because every time I'd get lessons, I'd only reach so far, and then not do anything for weeks or months.. and feel too embarrassed to contact them again ha ha! It's all about confidence, which is an awful wrench isn't it. Slowly but surely you'll get there. My new guy is really good and pro-active. He has confidence in me which helps my own.

All my relatives can drive too and all took to it like a duck to water! They can't comprehend why I can't do it - it's like telling someone you can't add up or something! And of course any practice you can get in is great - although I don't have anyone to practice with, any family members who happen to be about freak out at me in the passenger seat so that's no good for anyone's blood pressure So just concentrating on the lessons now. But the most important thing that I finally begin to master is controlling the car at low speeds - what I mean is, inching around corners or junctions; it's not just either flying along or a dead stop - it's being able to move nice and slow through the town and at a reasonable speed and a right gear.

I took my test in May and failed it too! But I was over the moon with myself that I managed to move the car at all and not collapse under the pressure so serious congratulations to you for sitting the test - believe me I know exactly where you are coming from. At a certain age it feels awkward to be relying on lifts. I was absolutely terrified of damaging something too, fear of God thanks to my parents, but that will pass the more you manage to do it - and of course the theory helps too - the road signs and markings mystified me, but once you learn to recognize them, it's really helpful - honestly, they will tell you what to do well in advance. Observation is key because it'll help you feel more safe. I bet you will be a really safe driver when you're at it and we need more of them on the roads

FurBabyMomma

If driving an automatic is a possibility for you, I would go for it. I have a friend with a condition that affects his co-ordination so finds driving a manual too stressful. He is now learning in an automatic. The end result is the same: he will soon be on the road and have the independence he craves. More and more cars come with automatic transmissions these days anyway. If you're comfortable with giving the automatic a shot, I say do it now and you can always go back and apply for a manual licence in a few years once you've been on the road a while and are more confident. Although you might not even bother with that in the end! No-one will even question why you're in an automatic anyway, as they'll assume it's just the model you have.

Peatys

My wife bought a car and put 50 miles on it in a year. The sweats would come on even at the thought of driving it. She put it down to her dad being a God awful driver and having shít cars when they were kids.. he'd roll backwards down hills and generally be a menace.

I suggested buying an automatic, that taking away the clutch/gears/hill starts part of it would help greatly. She didn't agree, and believed that the fear was with her for life.

A year later we bought a house with a ride on lawnmower. If i was working, she'd cut the grass. One day it dawned on me and i told her that there was no difference between the ride on and an automatic car.

Again, she presumed there was no getting over the general terror that comes with driving.

I got a lend of a mates auto, and brought her to an empty car park. She couldn't get over how easy autos were to drive. She was still anxious, but i assured her that in time, there'd come a day when she'll do a drive without even thinking about getting in, driving, and getting to her destination, that it'll become second nature. Main thing to remember is that even though there's loads of cars on the roads, you only have to consider the one infront and the one behind.

She bought a wee auto micra and only a few weeks later rang me delighted that she had driven somewhere and hadn't consoiusly thought about steering/other cars.

Wellyd

It feels like I could have written this. I’m in the process of learning for a second time. My fiancé bought me a car a few weeks ago and I just can’t face sitting in it. Just had a family member offer to go with me for a spin and I said no and now I’m in bed almost sick. I’m older than you too OP and I just can’t face it. The fear is crippling me I really don’t see how I’m ever going to be able to do it. I’ve told my fiancé to sell it and get his money back. It’s so easy for people to say the driving is so easy when the thoughts of getting into a car makes me sick.

Ursus Horribilis

Is there any sort of therapy people can do to help with these anxieties? Driving is all about confidence and from what I'm seeing on this thread, people have built it up to be a monster in their minds. Driving isn't rocket science and is all about practice and repetition.

mickrock

Vlove wrote: »

I have thought about driving an automatic instead but I just feel like crap over the fact that I can't drive and that makes me like a failure to myself!

If you think that driving an automatic isn't "proper" driving, get rid of that idea. It doesn't matter if it's you changing the gears or the car doing it.

Automatics are great and considerably reduce the anxiety and stress of driving.

RHJ

mickrock wrote: »

If you think that driving an automatic isn't "proper" driving, get rid of that idea. It doesn't matter if it's you changing the gears or the car doing it.

Automatics are great and considerably reduce the anxiety and stress of driving.

Exactly there is no problem with learning to drive in an automatic the days of them being less fuel efficient then a manual are largely over and they are just as good as a manual in fact Honda has a range of motorbikes with automatic transmissions.

OP I understand what it's like trying to learn to drive with Aspergers and the added complication of dyspraxia although in the end I gave up learning to drive a car and instead learnt to ride a motorbike as I found that strangely easier to master in terms of judging distance and manoeuvring.

I wish you the best of luck.