Who is this forum for?

vetinari

I never even knew this forum existed until about 2 days ago.
I wanted to post an issue related to my mother's visit so went looking for an appropriate forum.
This is under Society and Culture -> Family -> Parenting -> Newborn and Toddlers. I presumed most of the forum users would you know be parents with newborns and toddlers.


I posted the following thread
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057898395
and got deluged with a wave of embittered grandparents who seem to think that looking after a newborn should be fine and you should have no problems providing hotel style hospitality when your parents stay with you. Our baby is 7 weeks old.


The comments I got from other parents with newborns I could relate to. Because surprise surprise they're at the current life stage I'm at. Instead thanks to some atrocious moderation, the thread devolves into a pure judgement of our hosting capabilities and our parenting strengths. About 4 posters told me to grow up (running out of life stages, have a job, married, kid and a house)



I'm lucky to get extended parental leave. That leaves some posters to think that we should be having no problems whatsover.


Newsflash for posters that have kids older than 5. Your advice on issues like burping or settling the baby is useful. Any advice related to the stress of being a first time parent is useless. Absolutely useless. I have friends with 18 month old babies who've completely forgotten the newborn experience. They've just moved onto a different set of problems.


There was also posters given some really asinine trite advice "Just talk to your mother" I mean, are you like 5 years old. I assumed most of the posters would be at least parents and have some understanding of the complexity of family relationships. I've seen decades long rifts started in families over less.


Again, the moderation was useless. If I wanted a thread where people take potshots at everything I do, I would have posted in After Hours. Maybe the bitter grandparents can hang out at the parents who have ungrateful kids forum.

Cash_Q

I read a few pages of your other thread when you first posted it, and had to get out of there as it was driving me mad. I agree people were really hard on you, with very little sympathy for what you have going on.

Unfortunately some threads just attract people hell bent on being nasty and taking the OP down a peg or two, no matter what the topic, and once the thread starts trending it's attracting more and more people from various forums.

Try to rise above, because there can be very genuinely helpful posters on the site, but there are definitely people with more time than experience on their hands who just want to cast judgement on other people's lives from behind a screen.

Cork Lass

Op, you started a thread where you complained about your mothers lack of interest in your newborn. You didn’t like the responses so now you’re starting another one to complain about that. I had read the first thread and felt you were very harsh on your mother, complaining that she didn’t cook for you or change the babies nappies. I’ve news for you, it’s not her baby so she doesn’t have to do this. Maybe it might be an idea to spend less time online and use that time more fruitfully.

vetinari

Do you have a newborn or have you recently had a newborn Cork Lass?
If not, read the line about your advice being useless regarding the stress of the situation.

This would be the equivalent of someone who is married 5 years telling a single person that there's no stress to dating.
Just ask them out. Be relaxed, whats the issue.

Carrie6OD

vetinari wrote: »

Do you have a newborn or have you recently had a newborn Cork Lass?
If not, read the line about your advice being useless regarding the stress of the situation.

This would be the equivalent of someone who is married 5 years telling a single person that there's no stress to dating.
Just ask them out. Be relaxed, whats the issue.

I have a newborn so forgive me if this is a bit muddled up as I’ve been up all night with him. I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone (other than my husband) to feed or change my baby at this stage. He’s so tiny and he’s mine, my responsibility. My mother would never offer to do that. In fact because he’s so new my parents are almost nervous of him! Perhaps your mother came to visit you too soon. They might not want to step on your, as new parents, toes. Maybe she feels uncomfortable in another woman’s house? Maybe she’s giving you space to get into your groove as new parents? Maybe you’re so tired you’re not processing this as you normally would?

whomitconcerns

So you don't like some of the opinions in an open discussion thread... and you open a new thread to complain... Sorry op but that's life.

Your mother is not your slave fwiw.

fits

I think posters were harsh on OP also.

nazzy

I réad the other thread as well. I thought it was extremely harsh on the OP. I got where he was coming from because I was thinking his mother is likely the typical Irish mammy that fusses over him when he's at home. The type that woulda done everything without a second thought and just naturally wanted to help.

That now hasn't materialised and in the haze of newborn life, its quite hurtful. Not because he expects her to be his slave. But because his expectations were that they'd help. Because that's his life long experience with his mother.

I think the posts saying she didn't want to overstep were bang on. She was probably well warned by other siblings not to be too involved, to give space.

It's such an awkward time because noone will know how they'll feel when they have a baby. It's the most challenging time because the slightest thing can set you off because of utter exhaustion. And being completely overwhelmed.

Our baby is ten months. It does feel like a lifetime ago and it is a world of difference now compared with then.

I hope you can find some answer OP, it sounds like the timing was off slightly but hopefully it doesn't change your relationship going forward.

Best wishes to you, your wife and your wee dote!

margo321

I read your post and thought a lot were harsh and unhelpful. I didnt reply as my opinion was voiced. i think your Mam was staying out of your wife's way. You cant seem to win. I was suprised i took my child to play groups and lots of the women would bash their mothers and mothers in law. i have zero help and would be grateful of even a mother in law to stop by for coffee and chat. I think id ask my mother for help.if i was yoh. tell her ye would appreciate it. good luck

Peregrinus

margo321 wrote: »

I read your post and thought a lot were harsh and unhelpful. I didnt reply as my opinion was voiced. i think your Mam was staying out of your wife's way . . .

I think it's one thing to stay out of the wife's way. I think it's another to expect to be ferried around and shown the sights yourself.

There is and, and only one, good reason for visiting the parents of a newborn as their houseguest, and that is to be as helpful and supportive as you possibly can.
I get that for whatever reason you might not want to put yourself forward for childcare duties, but in that case do something else - take on the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry. There is no shortage of stuff that you can usefully do. If you don't want to do any of these things then, frankly, you will be an imposition. And the parents of a newborn can do without impositions.

Cork Lass

vetinari wrote: »

Do you have a newborn or have you recently had a newborn Cork Lass?
If not, read the line about your advice being useless regarding the stress of the situation.

This would be the equivalent of someone who is married 5 years telling a single person that there's no stress to dating.
Just ask them out. Be relaxed, whats the issue.

I hope you weren’t that rude to your mother. No I don’t have a newborn but do have 2 children so I have been there. No mother to help me out either as she died long before they were born. I managed fine as do most people. Get over yourself.

uck51js9zml2yt

vetinari wrote: »

Do you have a newborn or have you recently had a newborn Cork Lass?
If not, read the line about your advice being useless regarding the stress of the situation.

This would be the equivalent of someone who is married 5 years telling a single person that there's no stress to dating.
Just ask them out. Be relaxed, whats the issue.

You really need to get a grip on yourself.

You're not the only one who has/had a newborn baby.
I've 2 young kids. When my mil came on our first I was glad she went home.

When I had heart surgery a few years after our youngest was born I was glad she came over.
I was also thankful for her help when our youngest had heart surgery 8 months earlier when my wife brought him home for the operation.

There are times in your life when you will need her more. From my reading of your posts. Both of you are home. Surely you can manage a baby and some guests?
Edit
Just to add, we also had my elderly mother to look after at home, along with a baby.

sydthebeat

Its the Internet.... If you wait around long enough you'll get the response you're looking for. Opening a second thread to complain about the reception you didn't expect to get in the first is extremely childish and whiney.

knucklehead6

OP, may i suggest that you open up a thread HERE and call it The Only People Who Agree With Me Forum.

Failing that, get over yourself.

For what it's worth, i have a 10 month old son, and my mother died suddenly when he was 6 weeks old, so you can take my word on this, worrying about why granny hasn't changed any of your precious little bundles crappy nappies is small fry, and small time too

I visited my sister in US after she had her first baby. She (baby) was 4 weeks old. We (my husband and myself) stayed for 10 days. Not once did I even consider changing a nappy. Nor did I offer to cook a meal. Brother in law took us out for a drive one evening after work. Friends of theirs showed us the sights. We ate out a few times or ordered takeout. We did take the baby out for a walk one day.
We went to visit them. Not to interfere in the way they wished to raise their child.

fits

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Nor did I offer to cook a meal. .

Honestly, you should have.

Harleen Quinzel

I didn’t read all the replies to the original thread, but the OP mentioned that the grandparents look after/help with other grandchildren quite regularly and I can see how it’s frustrating if you feel your child isn’t receiving the same level of attention or interest from the grandparents.

Teyla Emmagan

You have an awful lot of time to be throwing hissy fits on the internet for someone with a new baby. You seem to have a very easy set up there OP, despite the upheaval of having a newborn. You should be thanking your blessings instead of griping. You could have had a sick baby and no leave! Then you would really have something to be fretting about.

GalwayGrrrrrl

I think the cause of your original issue was a mother in law not wanting to interfere with the daughter in law. Childbirth and newborn baby is a time when a woman really only wants her own mum, and your mum knows that.

I’m probably not allowed to recommend other forums here, but there is a parenting site called Rollercoaster.ie which is mainly Irish mammies talking about parenting issues. There are forums for babies born in certain months - eg Born in June 2018, so you get advice from parents going through same stages.

fits

fits wrote: »

Honestly, you should have.

No, I shouldn’t. She was and still is a very fussy eater. I knew that what I’d cook wouldn’t be to her satisfaction, so I didn’t even try.

bee06

OP, all these embittered grandparents as you put it were giving you advice on what your mother could be thinking. What is the point in getting advice from other parents of newborns about what your mother is doing!

And if you really are struggling with your 7 week old I have news for you, it doesn’t get any easier, it just gets harder in a different way.

I read that thread and didn’t respond as my opinion had been voiced a few times by others. I really think this issue will tarnish what is a very special and short time in your life and the life of your wife. Whether you are cross at your mum or not, whether you are entitled to be cross/disappointed or not is irrelevant in that you are a dad now and the baby should be your main concern not yourself and how you are feeling about your mum. Please don’t let this situation ruin the time with your baby and cloud what is a very special (albeit stressful and tiring) time in your life. Log off and don’t mind what random strangers are saying online spend the time fully immersed in your new life. If you were the mum of baby we would be all saying to check with GP re postnatal depression etc but dads also have (emotionally rather than physically or hormonally) mental health needs after the change related to a newborn. Check in with a GP perhaps.

Glass fused light

I was one of the posters on the original thread, I will repeat this:
You are an adult and need to have an adult conversation with your mother about what your expectations are and what her expectations are.

What struck me was that you were ok with your Dad not doing housework or laundry etc but expected your mam to treat your house and child as her responsibility. When you went home you never stood up and said Mam I am a grown man and am well capable of doing x sit there and lets have a chat while I do that, but let her do everything.
You can tell her you need her to get a taxi or ask your dad to drive down to collect her, ask both of them to do the dishes. Or just put up and mark time until they go home.
You invited them but it has not turned out as you expected. The sleep depravation and learning curve you are on, and the responsibility of a new life, and the visit not progressing as expected has thrown you and your wife further out of sorts. You need to decide how you deal with your expectations and disappointment and no-one on here can advise you because every family dynamic is different.

Wesser

I think.alot of posters were very hard on you.
But to answer your question... What is this forum for.... It's to get help solving your problem... that doesn't necessarily mean hearing things you want to hear. Sometimes the advice you get on the forums isn't what you want to hear... but its still the correct advice.

bee06

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If you were the mum of baby we would be all saying to check with GP re postnatal depression etc but dads also have (emotionally rather than physically or hormonally) mental health needs after the change related to a newborn. Check in with a GP perhaps.

That’s a good point. Sleep deprivation alone is torture.

https://www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression-dads

iamwhoiam

So OP .You started one thread and people took time to type out a reply .You read them and took nothing at all on board.You then open another thread complaining about the replies and the posters. That say a lot to me, and now you complain once again about the posts that don't suit you and are rude to posters . I now think I might understand your Mum and her wanting to get out , your Dad is doing the same by doing the odd jobs and getting out of the way . I was the poster who advised you yo communicate your thoughts to your mother and open channels .I see that didn't suit you either .Go figure it out

frogstar

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No, I shouldn’t. She was and still is a very fussy eater. I knew that what I’d cook wouldn’t be to her satisfaction, so I didn’t even try.

I'm a fussy eater and have a 12week old so just about out of the newborn stage.

Honestly the best thing anyone could have done for me in those first few weeks was to bring food or make me food. I barely had time to pee and skipped meals frequently. I would have eaten the balls off a low flying duck of it flew by me.

Looking back, I remember those who really did help by doing the smallest of gestures like the washing up, taking clothes in, bringing food to us, sweeping, washing bottles. Practical things. Now I didn't expect this and it didn't happen regularly, only one visitor did and it was the most appreciated thing ever

I didn't have a clue pre baby but if friends have babies now, I know exactly what to bring and how to help. It's not always a cute outfit that is wanted. Time and help is appreciated.

Sammy2012

Seriously?? Did you expect your mam to come over to you and wait on you for the week??? I read your other thread and a big dose of cop on is needed. It's your child. It's your job to look after it. Try having a six week old who has reflux and never slept while also having a toddler to entertain while your partner is working 12 hr days. My mam lives beside me and she never came to do my laundry or clean my house or did my grocery shopping for me. If you want her to do these things ask her. Why should she have to offer??

shesty

I posted in the original.I have a (just) 12 week old and he's my third newborn.Don't slate those with 18 month olds etc offering you advice because they have been there, and they have also moved past the newborn stage and have the benefit of hindsight.You don't....yet.

I agree your mum was a bit much looking for lifts etc.However I am at a loss as to understand what else you expect her to do for the child.I was at a family gathering yesterday, I asked my mum to hold the baby while I made a bottle (she didn't offer) and when I brought the bottle,she asked would I like to feed him or would she.And I am the child's mother, that's my own mother, not my MIL.On my first, I was six days in hospital with a baby who was in the NICU, then a further five days in hospital myself when I had a post partum haemorrage.My mother moved in for those five nights, to help my husband....and then she went on holidays for three weeks.She comes with food in those first six weeks, stays for brief visits and then leaves.She isn't the child's mother ....I am.

I think maybe you have expectations of what your mum might have done while she was over, and that you might have got a break, and it didn't happen.I don't know if you noticed your mum around the other kids, while they were newborns.Maybe she was the same.I said in another post that family dynamics change in ways you can't anticipate when a child arrives and you are seeing that.It takes time for everyone to figure out how it's all going to work.It doesn't happen in a 10 day visit to a newborn (who a lot of people will leave exclusively with the mother to deal with....google the Fourth Trimester).

I agree some posters were harsh OP, but your original post came across as your parents arriving, your Dad doing DIY, and why didn't your mum pick up the reins and run the household, because you have a newborn??I get you seem to have picked up a vibe from your mother towards your own child, and I can't dispute that with you, maybe there is one.But equally, you have learned a lesson here for next time...don't have visitors in the first 6-12 weeks (yes it doesn't get better for a while), and if you do, they stay somewhere else or it's made clear they pitch in and help.You are not the first person to make that mistake on your first child.Equally, maybe next time your parents will have figured things out a bit better too.

Dinkie

I agree with Shetsy. No visitors staying over for the first few weeks. We had lots of visitors with both kids (6 months old and a 4 yr old) for the first few weeks of both their lives.

It was tough going, but I quite enjoyed the company. We couldn't do much, so we just sat and chatted. I didn't ask them to do anything. They cleaned up after them selves. I had a pile of ready made meals in the freezer and we either ate them, takeaway, or made simple dinners.

As for who this forum is for - its for anyone with a newborn or a toddler. Hence the wide variety of posters.

Good luck... you need to calm down over minor things, else you have a very tough and long road ahead of you.

TheIronyMaiden

OP have you actually spoke to your Mam about this?