How to appear smart in meetings

ginandtonicsky

I read this article earlier and actually laughed out loud in recognition of so many of these traits in bosses that I've had over the years.

My latest boss has done pretty much all of them, with the exception of Number Ten which would involve not taking yourself too seriously which the man is incapable of.

I think my favourite is number 6 - "Ask 'will this scale?' no matter what it is" and number 2 - "translate percentage metrics into fractions". My boss does both of these things in every meeting I've been in with him. "So what we're saying here is that our projected pipeline is essentially three quarters of where we need it to be". Well done Einstein, you understand the basic concept of maths!

Some good ones in the comments too. "Pick out someone senior and give him a nod - "to your earlier point" and then say literally anything." They will immediately be flattered that you're referencing them no matter what you say and noone in the room will pull you up on it because you've involved the most senior person in the room.

What do you do to command respect in meetings, particularly the painfully boring (i.e most) meetings?

antodeco

I tell everyone I hate meetings. I also tell them that if a meeting does not help improve my ability to do my job or in the services I offer, then I shouldn't be involved in it. That's how I'm smart!

Fr_Dougal

Yeah, it’s like what you said in the earlier thread, 90% of the time 1/10 of the people don’t give a damn.

ginandtonicsky

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Yeah, it’s like what you said in the earlier thread, 90% of the time 1/10 of the people don’t give a damn.

Will this scale though?

Ulysses Gaze

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I read this article earlier and actually laughed out loud in recognition of so many of these traits in bosses that I've had over the years.

My latest boss has done pretty much all of them, with the exception of Number Ten which would involve not taking yourself too seriously which the man is incapable of.

I think my favourite is number 6 - "Ask 'will this scale?' no matter what it is" and number 2 - "translate percentage metrics into fractions". My boss does both of these things in every meeting I've been in with him. "So what we're saying here is that our projected pipeline is essentially three quarters of where we need it to be". Well done Einstein, you understand the basic concept of maths!

Some good ones in the comments too. "Pick out someone senior and give him a nod - "to your earlier point" and then say literally anything." They will immediately be flattered that you're referencing them no matter what you say and noone in the room will pull you up on it because you've involved the most senior person in the room.

What do you do to command respect in meetings, particularly the painfully boring (i.e most) meetings?

I use that one all the time.

Donald Trump

Tip #1: Keep your mouth shut OP

:pac:

ginandtonicsky

Donald Trump wrote: »

Tip #1: Keep your mouth shut OP

:pac:

Sad!

Try_harder

I think we need some blue sky thinking

myshirt

All from the Cooper Review. That girl is hilarious. I like her one on '37 Signs you prepared this Presentation at the very last minute'.

Definitely true!

Donald Trump

Tip #2: Whip your lad out and bang it against the desk while repeatedly reciting your 12 times tables.

KERSPLAT!

Slacks, shirt and a tie at a minimum.

JohnnyFlash

Take out your filofax.

Ted_YNWA

Donald Trump wrote: »

Tip #1: Keep your mouth shut OP

:pac:

Better to be thought of as a fool, than to open your mouth & remove all doubt.

myshirt

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Take out your filofax.

You missed the preceding step. Get into your Delorean and go back to 1985.

Richard Hillman

A lot of good points made here today but the reality is we just can't predict the future. The planning process for good and bad eventualities need to be put in place. And I would like to head such a taskforce.

ginandtonicsky

Mentioning data at least 45 times is always a good one aswell.

"Data driven results". "Let's base our decisions on the data". "Data doesn't lie".

Spanish Eyes

Meetings are such a colossal waste of everyone's time. Usually the decision has been made already, but to keep everyone onside the "team" is included.

I left many a meeting citing a dizzy spell or not feeling well once the first then minutes of shyte talk left me braindead.

Glad that's all behind me now. Whew!

KERSPLAT!

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Meetings are such a colossal waste of everyone's time. Usually the decision has been made already, but to keep everyone onside the "team" is included.

I left many a meeting citing a dizzy spell or not feeling well once the first then minutes of shyte talk left me braindead.

Glad that's all behind me now. Whew!

Yeah I'd hate meetings too if my input wasn't valued, no wonder you didn't like them!

DeanAustin

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Meetings are such a colossal waste of everyone's time. Usually the decision has been made already, but to keep everyone onside the "team" is included.

I left many a meeting citing a dizzy spell or not feeling well once the first then minutes of shyte talk left me braindead.

Glad that's all behind me now. Whew!

Yep so if it goes right it’s “well I made the decision” and if it goes wrong it’s “it was the teams fault.” Success has many parents and failure is an orphan.

On another note, I have a manager who often puts meetings in and we will sit down and he’ll say “ah I just put it in the diary in case my boss or the auditors ask.” Such utter bolloxology.

Spanish Eyes

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

Yeah I'd hate meetings too if my input wasn't valued, no wonder you didn't like them!

I doubt anyone in the whole wide world likes them, apart from those who can talk shyte about nothing to get noticed with corporate speak like. What a waste of time they are!

KERSPLAT!

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I doubt anyone in the whole wide world likes them, apart from those who can talk shyte about nothing to get noticed with corporate speak like. What a waste of time they are!

Ah, some people get bored and leave when they don't understand what's going on, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Leave it to those who do know

ginandtonicsky

Analogies are always good too, particularly sporting analogies. My boss likes to use rowing ("teamwork is like rowing, we're all relying on each other to pull the boat") and cricket, just to make sure we're all aware of how excruciatingly affluent and middle class he is.

0ph0rce0

When you get the invite through Google or whatever calender just delete it. Don't accept. Keep note of the date and time. Then just as it's starting go on up for a ****e. Take at least 15 mins and go back to your desk. When you get the call asking where are you ? Tell them what are you talking about? They say the meeting. Ahh sure go on ahead I'll follow up after with one of the lads/ladies. Then back to YouTube with yourself.

Spanish Eyes

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

Ah, some people get bored and leave when they don't understand what's going on, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Leave it to those who do know

You sound like my former boss, what an arrogant ignorant bollix he was too.

KERSPLAT!

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

You sound like my former boss, what an arrogant ignorant bollix he was too.

It can certainly seem that way, I'm sure he was just extremely frustrated, happens to me too

Capt'n Midnight

Spanish Eyes

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

It can certainly seem that way, I'm sure he was just extremely frustrated, happens to me too

I like your style, you must be MD/CEO by now lol. All the best.

KERSPLAT!

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I like your style, you must be MD/CEO by now lol. All the best.

Soon, another few meetings

UrbanSprawl

Have a pen ..tap if off the desk whilst grilling your target.

Hector Bellend

Come in.

Take a shyte on the table.

Headbutt someone in the mouth then start a bonfire.

UrbanSprawl

Hector Bellend wrote: »

Come in.

Take a shyte on the table.

Headbutt someone in the mouth then start a bonfire.

Any success with this methodology?

pleas advice

Show flair and verve in the strategizing stages

vectorvictor

In a past job I was in no position of influence but was in meetings as the token presence for my team with little idea of what was going on.

I had three stock phrases depending on the vibe in the room for the latest "game changer"

Everyone nodding furiously : "I am genuinely excited about this and can't wait to position it to the team"

Mixed vibes : "I see challenges in what you are proposing but I can see how the result is worth chasing"

Everyone looking like the plan was nuts : "I see the foundations of something worth exploring further to identify how to overcome the obstacles"

Donald Trump

Hector Bellend wrote: »

Come in.

Take a shyte on the table.

Headbutt someone in the mouth then start a bonfire.

Ah a connoisseur



I see you've read me buke

jimgoose

Do not, repeat NOT, invite, even think about inviting, me to meetings that are about a) other meetings or b) you getting "air-time". If you do, I will attend, and I will make a complete idiot of you in front of your boss, my boss, their bosses, and all your leather-winged Underkin. This I swear to you. Just leave me alone. You have been warned. #BOFH #AIX4EVA

whisky_galore

For the ambitious business professional looking to get ahead in the industry.
Dazzle all the execs at your next business meeting...

Create your own corporate B.S. catch phrase!

Instructions:
1. Click the button below;
2. Random corporate bull**** statement appears in text field;
3. Repeat as required ad nauseam.

https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html

juneg

whisky_galore wrote: »

For the ambitious business professional looking to get ahead in the industry.
Dazzle all the execs at your next business meeting...

Create your own corporate B.S. catch phrase!

Instructions:
1. Click the button below;
2. Random corporate bull**** statement appears in text field;
3. Repeat as required ad nauseam.

https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html

Oooh that's good.

WoollyRedHat

Accentuate, accentuate, accennnnntuate.

Also throw in a moral dilemma mid- way through the meeting that is completely unrelated to the topic at hand.

Oh and quote random phrases from Shakespeare every once in a while, such as 'We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep,' and wink to your boss.

eviltimeban

If the meeting room has a rectangular table, always sit at one end, rather than along sides. Makes it look like you are chairing the meeting, even if you have no clue what's going on. Tip: doesn't work with round tables.

I usually try to get the word "solutionize" in there. "Potentialize" also works. You can only spell those words with a Z.

Sit the same way the most senior person in the room is sitting. If they are sitting forward writing notes, do that too. If they are sitting back with their legs crossed, you do that too.

Forget your laptop or notepad. Take notes on your phone's notepad (tell people this). Then, you can look at pictures on Instagram, and engage in Whatsapp "bantz" with your mates all the way through the meeting.

If someone makes a lighthearted comment / joke, don't laugh. You are FAR too important and busy to laugh at jokes, especially today.

JJJJNR

Draw crop circles on your notepad, leaning really hard on the paper. Do it for the entire meeting.

Hector Bellend

UrbanSprawl wrote: »

Any success with this methodology?

Havent tried it yet.

I reckon it's some CEO SH1T.

Agricola

I'm sure there are meetings where things of importance get done. Such as in NASA.
But I'd wager for the vast majority of office drones who must attend them, they are little more than an excuse for people to attempt to sound important and feel valued. HR department's can't really blather on about the importance of being a team player if people never sit around a table every now and again.....................and of course they are time off the job too. That was my experience of them anyway.

suicide_circus

wear sunglasses and a leather jacket and smoke a cigarette.

oh sorry, I thought the question was how to appear cool in meetings

Malayalam

I've never been in a meeting in my life.
And I aim to maintain this unblemished record.

myshirt

How about just saying Lads I've to go to the Jacks, and basically don't come back until the end of the meeting.

ginandtonicsky

Agricola wrote: »

I'm sure there are meetings where things of importance get done. Such as in NASA.
But I'd wager for the vast majority of office drones who must attend them, they are little more than an excuse for people to attempt to sound important and feel valued. HR department's can't really blather on about the importance of being a team player if people never sit around a table every now and again.....................and of course they are time off the job too. That was my experience of them anyway.

They're usually filled with the loudest voices putting on a show about how great they are and end up giving you a laundry list of "solutions" that you never quite get around to because your schedule is back-to-back with pointless inane meetings full of hot air ideas that go nowhere.

eviltimeban

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

"solutions"

It's "solutionize". Get it right.

ELM327

Meetings are seldom about actually doing anything, and invariably about posturing and making others aware of your brand.
If you look around you at the next meeting, especially for anything product or prject based, you've got a few distinct groups. You've got the product guy, the policy guy, the tech team reps, the boss and a few subordinates. You've (especially if you're a subordinate) got to look like the guy who looks like he's joining the dots (note - you don'#t have to have a clue what's going on, this is where stupid americanisms come into play).

Oh and my personal favourite, meetings about meetings. A great waste of time which is really good unless you've actually got something to do that day... which if you're working smart instead of hard, you probably shouldnt.

Fr_Dougal

Don’t forget to tell everyone that you’re ‘humbled’.

griffin100

My aim in every meeting is not to open my note pad. If I don't write anything down then I leave the meeting without any tasks. I leave that to the eager beavers scribbling down notes of a meeting they will never look at again and who invariably volunteer for every task that comes up.