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Is this a common attitude towards fatherhood in Ireland?
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OP I wouldn't say these are common views but I would believe that if one parent (doesn't matter which) is at home, then they should be doing the cooking, cleaning etc. That is essentially their job. I grew up in a house where my mam stayed at home while my dad worked. It didn't influence me to do that so I think you're over worrying about your niece.
In terms of the sexism part - I think it might be a bit too harsh to call them sexist. While they might presume that the woman will do those things, that's based on their experiences and as long as they're not saying that's the only role that a woman can have (as opposed to believing that caring for the family and home is the traditional and maybe wanted role) then I wouldn't really see it as sexist. I think you may need to grow a thicker skin in relation to some of this stuff when it comes to what they're saying.
And honestly, yeah I know a couple of dads who would need help with their own kids. It's not that they haven't changed nappies or aren't loving fathers but more that they aren't often the one left alone to look after the child. Think about it - most women have at least a 6 month maternity leave whereas fathers get 2 weeks. So in those first 6 months, the mother is left predominately alone with the child and becomes comfortable with that whereas the 2 weeks the father is off, the mother is there too. The dad's I mention would more be nervous about messing up than it being out of badness.0 -
witchgirl26 wrote: »OP I wouldn't say these are common views but I would believe that if one parent (doesn't matter which) is at home, then they should be doing the cooking, cleaning etc. That is essentially their job. I grew up in a house where my mam stayed at home while my dad worked. It didn't influence me to do that so I think you're over worrying about your niece.
In terms of the sexism part - I think it might be a bit too harsh to call them sexist. While they might presume that the woman will do those things, that's based on their experiences and as long as they're not saying that's the only role that a woman can have (as opposed to believing that caring for the family and home is the traditional and maybe wanted role) then I wouldn't really see it as sexist. I think you may need to grow a thicker skin in relation to some of this stuff when it comes to what they're saying.
And honestly, yeah I know a couple of dads who would need help with their own kids. It's not that they haven't changed nappies or aren't loving fathers but more that they aren't often the one left alone to look after the child. Think about it - most women have at least a 6 month maternity leave whereas fathers get 2 weeks. So in those first 6 months, the mother is left predominately alone with the child and becomes comfortable with that whereas the 2 weeks the father is off, the mother is there too. The dad's I mention would more be nervous about messing up than it being out of badness.
I get what you are saying but men have 18+ years to get some alone time in and not suck so bad but many are choosing not to. You can always take the kid out on the weekend.0 -
justgetonwithit2018 wrote: »OP, i hate to tell you but you are coming across as sexist if anything. you are telling other woman to "not give up on their dreams" for instance and you are scoffing at how your sister in law is raising HER daughter.
you have your views of how a man and woman should behave, it is however different for everybody and its a bit rich to accuse your SIL of sexism when you are doing the same to her in reality.
In general, I don't think my SIL and her partner are very good parents and partners. He's cheated on her many times and has been in an out of that house several times in one year. I don't think it's stable for the kids to see this kind of thing all the time. Her kids haven't done that well in school, were suspended a few times, and her daughter is 12 and acts 5 if she doesn't get her way. Her daughter can also be verbally abusive if she doesn't get her way. So teaching her daughter that it's a man's world is just another straw on the camel's back.0 -
Didnt you have a thread about your sister in law being obsessed with appearance and your husband not being loyal to you?
I think your issue is that your husband does not see you and your child as his family that he should be presenting a united front with, he sides with his family of origin and rather than focus on what needs to change (your husband) you focus on all the things you dont like about the in laws instead.
I see you have posted the same thread verbatim on rollercoaster.ie. Genuinely, I dont think other people agreeing or disagreeing to add weight to you "being right" is going to help you. You need to sort out the issues in your marriage, not focus on a majority of people agreeing that your in laws are a pack of scoundrels.0 -
I get what you are saying but men have 18+ years to get some alone time in and not suck so bad but many are choosing not to. You can always take the kid out on the weekend.
How do you quantify many? I know very few who don't relish time spent with their children but who prefer doing things as a family rather than just them and the kids. You referenced nappies etc and that's what I was referring to. Young kids. I was terrified the first few times I babysat my nieces and nephews and had to change nappies etc so I can appreciate that. I have a male friend who hadn't been around young children as a caregiver (even babysitting) until his own was born and he did need help and support as he was really afraid of doing it wrong.In general, I don't think my SIL and her partner are very good parents and partners. He's cheated on her many times and has been in an out of that house several times in one year. I don't think it's stable for the kids to see this kind of thing all the time. Her kids haven't done that well in school, were suspended a few times, and her daughter is 12 and acts 5 if she doesn't get her way. Her daughter can also be verbally abusive if she doesn't get her way. So teaching her daughter that it's a man's world is just another straw on the camel's back.
OP honestly you're coming across as very judgemental in terms of your SIL here. It is none of your business how her relationship works or even how her kids are being raised unless you have a concern of physical or mental abuse. My nephew can act like a 5 year old when he doesn't get his way and he's 14. Hell I can if I'm in a bad mood! It does not necessarily reflect on how I was raised.
You're complaining that they are judging you but then you're doing the same thing in reverse to them.0 -
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your family is the one with your husband and your children...Big Bag of Chips wrote: »My uncle married a woman that I never, ever saw throughout my entire childhood. She just had nothing to do with his family whatsoever. He came to weddings, occasions, visited at various times, all without her. She had no interest, for whatever reason in having a relationship with any of his side of the family. I have met her a handful of times as an adult (Maybe, twice or 3 times). I'm not sure I'd recognise her if I passed her on the street. I have a great relationship with my uncle and cousins though.
If you want to avoid them, it's possible.homerjay2005 wrote: »im sorry, but you are not really coming across well now with the point in bold, this actually starts to bring other issues to the fore and something tells me there is more at play here that your in laws having old fashioned views about parenting which you should really just ignore - what goes on in your house, is your own business and nobody elses.
stop being so hung up about another woman (your sister in law) being sexist, what ever they do is their own business like yours. when they interfere in your business, just come back with some smart comment like "oh modern times now, we both raise our kids and he is a pretty good dad ill have you know". they wont be long shutting up
read the post above from ShiverinEskimo, its 100% an accurate reflection. my partner too would give up work tomorrow if she could if we could afford it.
I actually know a family where the dad stays at home because she really has a good job and they can afford to live off one wage. unfortunately others cannot afford that luxury and need both.OP I think you're being overly sensitive and the following statement is certainly an overreaction!!
While I agree that their comments are outdated and a little sexist, you need to learn to take it with a pinch of salt. This is a throwback to previous generations where men and women did have different roles in the family. While times have obviously moved on, it's understandable that it hasn't for them because it's how they've lived their whole lives. Perhaps commenting on it helps them validate how their lives have turned out - for all you know they could be jealous of your 'modern' lifestyle and trying to convince themselves of the values of staying in a traditional role!
I'd either ignore these remarks or come back with one of the smart comments suggested above.
I guess I am very sensitive to this issue. And perhaps you are correct that I am overreacting.
It's just... I guess I have no desire to be a housewife and never have. I like working. I think if I had to be home 24/7 with a pack of kids I'd go completely insane. I can barely manage a 4-day weekend.
In general, I have nothing in common with my in-laws and we have clashing values, life experiences, and worldviews. I struggle to have anything to say to them but they are very vocal about what they believe. If I say something in return I may be accused of 'starting arguments'.
I guess I feel that my husband is always downplaying their beliefs, opinions and behaviour as 'not that bad' when it's stuff that I'm really passionate about.0 -
Didnt you have a thread about your sister in law being obsessed with appearance and your husband not being loyal to you?
I think your issue is that your husband does not see you and your child as his family that he should be presenting a united front with, he sides with his family of origin and rather than focus on what needs to change (your husband) you focus on all the things you dont like about the in laws instead.
I see you have posted the same thread verbatim on rollercoaster.ie. Genuinely, I dont think other people agreeing or disagreeing to add weight to you "being right" is going to help you. You need to sort out the issues in your marriage, not focus on a majority of people agreeing that your in laws are a pack of scoundrels.
I think you might have something here.0 -
I guess I am very sensitive to this issue. And perhaps you are correct that I am overreacting.
It's just... I guess I have no desire to be a housewife and never have. I like working. I think if I had to be home 24/7 with a pack of kids I'd go completely insane. I can barely manage a 4-day weekend.
In general, I have nothing in common with my in-laws and we have clashing values, life experiences, and worldviews. I struggle to have anything to say to them but they are very vocal about what they believe. If I say something in return I may be accused of 'starting arguments'.
I guess I feel that my husband is always downplaying their beliefs, opinions and behaviour as 'not that bad' when it's stuff that I'm really passionate about.
You may have no desire to be a housewife and that is grand but it doesn't diminish the people who do have that desire. I know that all my cousin ever wanted was to have a family and be a housewife. My mam quit work the day she got married to have a family as that's what she wanted. That, to me, is the joys of feminism. They got the choice. Not forced into it. The same way as you have the choice to not be a housewife.
I clash with some of my friends and family when it comes to life experiences and world views. Hell I clash with my OH on world views but it doesn't mean we can't get on. I just accept that they have different views to me but that doesn't make them less valid or mine more. It might be stuff you're passionate about but it doesn't mean you always have to argue it with them.
I often keep quiet if my view is the minority, despite how strongly I feel about it, if I know I'm not going to change the groups mind. To me it's about avoiding an argument that isn't really going to go anywhere or gain anyone anything.0 -
witchgirl26 wrote: »How do you quantify many? I know very few who don't relish time spent with their children but who prefer doing things as a family rather than just them and the kids. You referenced nappies etc and that's what I was referring to. Young kids. I was terrified the first few times I babysat my nieces and nephews and had to change nappies etc so I can appreciate that. I have a male friend who hadn't been around young children as a caregiver (even babysitting) until his own was born and he did need help and support as he was really afraid of doing it wrong.
OP honestly you're coming across as very judgemental in terms of your SIL here. It is none of your business how her relationship works or even how her kids are being raised unless you have a concern of physical or mental abuse. My nephew can act like a 5 year old when he doesn't get his way and he's 14. Hell I can if I'm in a bad mood! It does not necessarily reflect on how I was raised.
You're complaining that they are judging you but then you're doing the same thing in reverse to them.
Well, I was the same. I'm a woman and I had never even seen a newborn in my entire life or gone near a child until I had my own. Never babysat in my entire life. I was incredibly awkward and clueless. It's the assumption that it comes naturally to a woman but not to a man that I find hard to deal with and that's what my in-laws think.
I also think that constantly doing things together as a family is boring and expensive. I'd rather do my own thing and take my own kids out. After all, I see them every single day.
If her relationship is not my business then she should not go around telling the whole world that he cheated on her and that he's moving out and then expecting people to not be wary around him or to even like him. Also, did you see my other post about her constantly judging people for what they wear? She's not exactly an angel.0 -
It's a personal issue because every time I have to see my in-laws there are some of these old-school comments and it bothers me. I'm sensitive to sexism.
Looking after kids is second nature to my husband so I don't even know why they would be making these comments.
I also can't believe that my SIL is OK with her 12-year-old thinking like this. I mean... would you not want to tell your girls that they can follow their dreams and not be limited to being a cleaner?
What would interference look like in this situation?
I think you really have to toughen up a bit and ignore it. You're coming off as a tad precious. If they are being directly sexist to you in anyway, call them up on it but if it's nothing to do with you then let if flow by you like a river. Don't go out of your way to feel victimised if they say something stupid.
How your sister in law raises her kids is nothing to do with you so there is nothing to be achieved by being judgemental about it and giving out about her is not going to do you any good. Concentrate on your own life and family and let them concentrate on theirs.0 -
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Well, I was the same. I'm a woman and I had never even seen a newborn in my entire life or gone near a child until I had my own. Never babysat in my entire life. I was incredibly awkward and clueless. It's the assumption that it comes naturally to a woman but not to a man that I find hard to deal with and that's what my in-laws think.
If her relationship is not my business then she should not go around telling the whole world that he cheated on her and that he's moving out and then expecting people to not be wary around him or to even like him. Also, did you see my other post about her constantly judging people for what they wear? She's not exactly an angel.
Realistically though they're not a million miles off the mark in terms of their thinking with that it comes more naturally to women than men. It does. Maternal instinct and all that. I'm not saying its as strong in all women but it is a thing. You're more likely to instinctively know what to do. That's not sexist, it's biology.
I'm not saying she is an angel at all. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't judge how she's raising her kids if you don't like being judged yourself. I'm not saying don't be wary of her husband or anything but you're only getting one side and it could all be dramatics from her (not saying it is or it isn't but some people thrive off that).0 -
witchgirl26 wrote: »Realistically though they're not a million miles off the mark in terms of their thinking with that it comes more naturally to women than men. It does. Maternal instinct and all that. I'm not saying its as strong in all women but it is a thing. You're more likely to instinctively know what to do. That's not sexist, it's biology.
I'm not saying she is an angel at all. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't judge how she's raising her kids if you don't like being judged yourself. I'm not saying don't be wary of her husband or anything but you're only getting one side and it could all be dramatics from her (not saying it is or it isn't but some people thrive off that).
No, I have no maternal instincts at all and it came more naturally to my husband than to me. I have no instincts towards any children at all. I have no maternal feelings at all. He's the one who had to teach me what to do.0 -
No, I have no maternal instincts at all and it came more naturally to my husband than to me. I have no instincts towards any children at all. I have no maternal feelings at all. He's the one who had to teach me what to do.
Ok but that's one person. I'm talking on the whole. I was reading an interesting article in National Geographic where it showed that the chemicals which produce nurturing feelings in humans spike quicker and higher initially in women around babies whereas men take longer to reach those levels.
Look I'm not having a go at you but I think you are very fixed on your ideas based on your experience. Which is fine but others do differ. If you had to rely on your husband to teach you, why wouldn't it be fair to say that some men rely on their wives to teach them and are uncomfortable and need help minding their children as those instincts are not as strong in them.0 -
It's just... I guess I have no desire to be a housewife and never have.
but you are not a housewife and youve already told us that your husband is a good dad....so whats the problem!. So teaching her daughter that it's a man's world is just another straw on the camel's back.
you are coming across as obsessive now and to be honest, given the other things you posted im afraid this is the least of the kids worries. "its a mans world" stopped being relevant a long long time ago.0 -
I also think that constantly doing things together as a family is boring and expensive. I'd rather do my own thing and take my own kids out. After all, I see them every single day.
See who every single day? OP I was referring to going out as a family as mother, father and children. Not anybody else.0 -
witchgirl26 wrote: »See who every single day? OP I was referring to going out as a family as mother, father and children. Not anybody else.
I see my husband and daughter every single day.0 -
kunst nugget wrote: »I think you really have to toughen up a bit and ignore it. You're coming off as a tad precious. If they are being directly sexist to you in anyway, call them up on it but if it's nothing to do with you then let if flow by you like a river. Don't go out of your way to feel victimised if they say something stupid.
How your sister in law raises her kids is nothing to do with you so there is nothing to be achieved by being judgemental about it and giving out about her is not going to do you any good. Concentrate on your own life and family and let them concentrate on theirs.
Well, it was my daughter's birthday and we had the party in a neutral location then some of them came over to my house and said some things. I wish they'd not come over after. I also don't like the niece much and don't want her around but how am I supposed to tell them that?
I guess I feel that my family isn't really my own. It's like my children are a part of the large mass of people that I'm not really a part of and I don't have much of a say in the whole thing. My husband sees his family as a reflection of himself so I'm stuck in this. I'd rather not be. He said his loyalty is first with our daughter and then myself and his family are equal. I don't like this. I feel that it should be with me first. Sometimes I think I should leave and have a child with someone else so I can have my own proper family where the primary loyalty is with me.0 -
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I dont think you and your husband have compatible views on marriage/relationships/family.
He has actually stated to you that you are not his first priority.
Did you post before about Christmas dinner and not wanting to go to his family and him saying he would go with your daughter and you could stay home alone?0 -
He said his loyalty is first with our daughter and then myself and his family are equal. I don't like this. I feel that it should be with me first. Sometimes I think I should leave and have a child with someone else so I can have my own proper family where the primary loyalty is with me.
A parents loyalty should always lie with their child first and foremost. If you have no maternal instincts and no intention to be a housewife why in hell would you want to leave your husband and have ANOTHER child with someone else?
Would this new man stay at home with your daughter and your new baby while you go back to work? Would his family have no relationship with their son and grandchild in your "perfect world"?
I have to admit that I think you're absolutely over reacting about every incident or example you've mentioned, you'll never be happy if you keep picking fault with everyone around you.0 -
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I dont think you and your husband have compatible views on marriage/relationships/family.
He has actually stated to you that you are not his first priority.
Did you post before about Christmas dinner and not wanting to go to his family and him saying he would go with your daughter and you could stay home alone?
Am I missing something that's going on in other threads? Her husband seems attentive and a good father but would like to spend time with his family on special occasions?
I have diametrically opposite views on social issues and religion to my parents and they have very traditional outlooks on life. They're both in their into their late seventies now so I don't know how long I'll have with them. I could pull them up on everything we disagree with but I don't see the point. It will achieve nothing. I'd rather appreciate what they've done for me in terms of how they raised me and gave me a stable upbringing completely free from drama.
Just because they hold old school views doesn't mean I do and if they express their old school views I just brush them off because I don't really care about creating conflict with them. It doesn't interest me in the slightest. I suppose I'm lucky in that my partner would be of the same mindset.
If my partner didn't want to see my parents or family, I wouldn't force her but I wouldn't stop seeing them either. A partner trying to block a person from seeing their family is acting pretty crappily in my opinion.0 -
Purple Lemons wrote: »A parents loyalty should always lie with their child first and foremost. If you have no maternal instincts and no intention to be a housewife why in hell would you want to leave your husband and have ANOTHER child with someone else?
Would this new man stay at home with your daughter and your new baby while you go back to work? Would his family have no relationship with their son and grandchild in your "perfect world"?
I have to admit that I think you're absolutely over reacting about every incident or example you've mentioned, you'll never be happy if you keep picking fault with everyone around you.kunst nugget wrote: »Am I missing something that's going on in other threads? Her husband seems attentive and a good father but would like to spend time with his family on special occasions?
I have diametrically opposite views on social issues and religion to my parents and they have very traditional outlooks on life. They're both in their into their late seventies now so I don't know how long I'll have with them. I could pull them up on everything we disagree with but I don't see the point. It will achieve nothing. I'd rather appreciate what they've done for me in terms of how they raised me and gave me a stable upbringing completely free from drama.
Just because they hold old school views doesn't mean I do and if they express their old school views I just brush them off because I don't really care about creating conflict with them. It doesn't interest me in the slightest. I suppose I'm lucky in that my partner would be of the same mindset.
If my partner didn't want to see my parents or family, I wouldn't force her but I wouldn't stop seeing them either. A partner trying to block a person from seeing their family is acting pretty crappily in my opinion.
It's not that I expect people not to have relationships with their parents or siblings it's just that I don't want this to take precedence over me or loyalty to me. If their parents/siblings don't like me or want to be friends (or I don't like them) with me then what's the point of being married into that?
I would expect a new spouse to want a double-career household where the child can go to a nursery and to not expect me to stay home. Yes, I could afford it. I find your views offensive. It's all or nothing woman home or man home and nothing in between.
My in-laws have never done anything for me other than creating drama. They have not always been welcoming or warm towards me at all. There have been times when they really hurt me and did nothing to mend the gap.
I'm not trying to block my husband from seeing them but I hate how his family takes precedence over me and now I have to put up with special occasions. How would you feel if you were not confident that you would ever enjoy a special occasion again because of them?
I would expect someone to distance themselves from a family member who doesn't like me or who is bothering me but my husband will not.0 -
kunst nugget wrote: »Am I missing something that's going on in other threads? Her husband seems attentive and a good father but would like to spend time with his family on special occasions?
I dont know if the Christmas thread was from the same poster.0 -
OP, how is your relationship with your own family?
you keep bringing up problems with your inlaws (you must have listed 20 gripes with them at this stage) but no mention of your own family.
would your somewhat hatred of the inlaws have any distinct roots in your own family i wonder? looks to me like youve a problem with your husband being close to his own family, somewhat jealousy perhaps.0 -
I see my husband and daughter every single day.
So you find doing things with just them as a family boring? Because you see them everyday? I honestly don't understand the preference for doing something by yourself with your child rather than as a family.I would expect a new spouse to want a double-career household where the child can go to a nursery and to not expect me to stay home. Yes, I could afford it. I find your views offensive. It's all or nothing woman home or man home and nothing in between.
But does your husband expect you to stay at home or is the current situation that you both work with your daughter in nursery? I would imagine when I have kids that neither of us will be stay at home parents because we just can't afford it and I don't think either of us wants to be a full time parent. So it's not all or nothing.It's not that I expect people not to have relationships with their parents or siblings it's just that I don't want this to take precedence over me or loyalty to me. If their parents/siblings don't like me or want to be friends (or I don't like them) with me then what's the point of being married into that?I would expect someone to distance themselves from a family member who doesn't like me or who is bothering me but my husband will not.
That's quite harsh I would think. I mean at the end of the day, his family was his family long before you and unless they did something that was really bad (I would imagine violence or complete derogatory comments) I wouldn't expect him to cut his siblings or other close family members out because you don't get on with them.
I'll be honest - I don't always like my SIL. I love her to bits as she makes my brother happy and I'll make chit-chat with her at occasions but our views on life are vastly different and if, given a choice outside the relationship, I probably wouldn't spend time with her. However I would be horribly hurt if my brother cut me out because of that.
I would never expect that in-laws would be my friends. It's a bonus if they end up being but it doesn't always happen. And trying to force a friendship really doesn't make it any better.0 -
witchgirl26 wrote: »So you find doing things with just them as a family boring? Because you see them everyday? I honestly don't understand the preference for doing something by yourself with your child rather than as a family.
But does your husband expect you to stay at home or is the current situation that you both work with your daughter in nursery? I would imagine when I have kids that neither of us will be stay at home parents because we just can't afford it and I don't think either of us wants to be a full time parent. So it's not all or nothing.
That's quite harsh I would think. I mean at the end of the day, his family was his family long before you and unless they did something that was really bad (I would imagine violence or complete derogatory comments) I wouldn't expect him to cut his siblings or other close family members out because you don't get on with them.
I'll be honest - I don't always like my SIL. I love her to bits as she makes my brother happy and I'll make chit-chat with her at occasions but our views on life are vastly different and if, given a choice outside the relationship, I probably wouldn't spend time with her. However I would be horribly hurt if my brother cut me out because of that.
I would never expect that in-laws would be my friends. It's a bonus if they end up being but it doesn't always happen. And trying to force a friendship really doesn't make it any better.
My child prefers her dad over me so she acts differently when she's with him or the 3 of us. I don't really enjoy it as much. When she's alone with me and I take her out she kind of has to listen to me and spend time with me.
I don't expect someone to cut themselves off completely from their family if they were unkind to me but to make their loyalty and stance very clear as well as have consequences for not listening. My husband fails to do this. He's unlikely to change.0 -
homerjay2005 wrote: »OP, how is your relationship with your own family?
you keep bringing up problems with your inlaws (you must have listed 20 gripes with them at this stage) but no mention of your own family.
would your somewhat hatred of the inlaws have any distinct roots in your own family i wonder? looks to me like youve a problem with your husband being close to his own family, somewhat jealousy perhaps.
I really dislike my own family of origin but it's understandable. There was emotional incest, screaming, verbal abuse etc. almost daily from the time I was 4 until the day I moved out at 17. It's not that they didn't love me at all, I think she had undiagnosed mental health issues (BPD or something like that).
I won't go into too many details but I don't like my family. I still talk to them and maybe visit once a year to once every 3 years but the relationship I have with them is more of an obligation than genuine liking.0 -
My child prefers her dad over me so she acts differently when she's with him or the 3 of us. I don't really enjoy it as much. When she's alone with me and I take her out she kind of has to listen to me and spend time with me.
So you don't enjoy time together as family, just the three of you because of how your daughter will probably spend more time with her father? I'm sure your husband is not oblivious to that fact and its bound to cause tension.
You want your husband to prioritise you as a family but you don't enjoy spending time together as a family. It seems like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place there.0 -
kunst nugget wrote: »So you don't enjoy time together as family, just the three of you because of how your daughter will probably spend more time with her father? I'm sure your husband is not oblivious to that fact and its bound to cause tension.
You want your husband to prioritise you as a family but you don't enjoy spending time together as a family. It seems like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place there.
No, my husband doesn't think that what I say is true. He doesn't think she prefers him but she's much more obedient and attentive to him than to me.
I enjoy the time in our home but not really when we go out because there isn't much to talk about or do. He is a homebody and doesn't go out much anyways.0 -
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My child prefers her dad over me so she acts differently when she's with him or the 3 of us. I don't really enjoy it as much. When she's alone with me and I take her out she kind of has to listen to me and spend time with me.
I can understand that to an extent - you want to have a bond with her but feel that you're the extra one when it's the 3 of you. But that said, surely it's better for her to go out the 3 of you and find something you enjoy. She might listen to her dad more on those occasions but as long as you're both saying the same thing, does it matter as long as she's listening?I don't expect someone to cut themselves off completely from their family if they were unkind to me but to make their loyalty and stance very clear as well as have consequences for not listening. My husband fails to do this. He's unlikely to change.
But how would they do this? My brother had words with me in the past about making more of an effort with my SIL. I try to now but I know he never said anything to her about it so how would she know that he had her back? It was done discretely. And I don't know what type of consequences for not listening you're thinking of. Your husband may be just trying to keep the peace between the 2 sides of his family. He might not be going about it the best way but that doesn't mean he's not loyal to you.No, my husband doesn't think that what I say is true. He doesn't think she prefers him but she's much more obedient and attentive to him than to me.
I think most kids are more obedient to one parent than the other - my niece definitely listens more when her dad tells her to do something but that's down to the fact that he isn't the disciplinarian too often so it has more weight almost when he lays down the law. It's the opposite for my friend where her son will listen more to her than his dad because even at 3 years old, he's learned his dad won't follow through.0
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