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Is this a common attitude towards fatherhood in Ireland?
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I don't want sexist in-laws and I want a husband who would immediately shut them down.
You're still placing the in laws problem ahead of the problem with your husband. I'd be far more concerned of the threats of divorce, being turfed out of the house, losing child custody when you argue, over the issues with your sexist in laws. You're married to him, not them. Sort your issues (if you want to) with your husband first.0 -
Hi OP, I'm trying to deal with some issues I have with people I don't agree with either so this is what I've found and what is helping me. What I focus on expands, be it positive or negative, and I know how having negative emotions around someone you have to be around can really affect you. I find if I focus on positive things in my life it helps so much, I think about the people and things I love when I am around the people I have difficulty with and try to bring up as much positive emotions up in me as I can. I do the same when they come into my head before and after I will be in their company. It's early days but it is definitely helping me and I'm happier for it. I've found that you just cannot change other people, they are ingrained in their thinking , brought up in a way that's hard to shake ( for example you cannot make them stop being sexist anymore than they could make you start being sexist!) so I think of it that we are all just trying to get on as best we can in this world, that people have difficulties in their lives you cannot see, so I try to cut them as much slack as possible and try to see the good in them as their is bound to be some good there if you look for it. As an aside I think maybe people can sometimes enjoy getting a reaction out of you whether consciously or unconsciously so try to not show that what they say bothers you. There will always be some one in your life that you won't see eye to eye with so I find it better for myself to manage my own emotions, expectations and reactions as best I can. I'm focusing on my own happiness which I think has to come from within. Best of luck OP x0
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rainbowtrout wrote: »You're still placing the in laws problem ahead of the problem with your husband. I'd be far more concerned of the threats of divorce, being turfed out of the house, losing child custody when you argue, over the issues with your sexist in laws. You're married to him, not them. Sort your issues (if you want to) with your husband first.
I guess 90%+ of our arguments are about his family. For example, we had our daughter's birthday party in a neutral place and we bought an expensive cake. His sister came over to our house afterwards and that's when the trouble started.
She was really nosy and out of line scolding us for buying an expensive cake and telling us where we should have had the birthday party. She's done that before with other items that we have bought or our rent. I don't know why she does this.
I didn't say anything to her but I tried to talk to my husband afterwards and we got into an argument.0 -
Your sister in law expressed an opinion. People do it all the time. Whether to your face or behind your back. I don't know why you had an argument with your husband, over what your sister-in-law said! He can't control her. He can't make her have a different opinion. There are people in my life that tell me what they think I should do, sometimes I listen to the advice because sometimes it's relevant. Other times I say I'm happy with my choice, other times I say nothing at all.
How old are you, OP? Because I think I might have been a bit like you up to mid-late 20s. At that age you're establishing yourself as an adult, and a mother, and you want people to accept that you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions for yourself, and your family. It can feel like a personal affront of someone suggests something else. And you feel the need to stamp your own authority and let others know you don't need their opinion.
As we get older, we get better at filtering "advice". My mother used to drive me scatty with her opinion on what I did. But you know what, she wasn't always wrong. I just wanted to prove I was always right. As I head in to my 40s now, I've mellowed a lot. I realise that yes, I know what works best in my own family, but that doesn't mean I can't pick up ideas from others.
I also think an expensive birthday cake for a small child is a waste, by the way! We have used everything from Tesco/Aldi traybakes to 2 side by side Vienettas for cakes, and kids devour them exactly the same as they would an expensive cake. A friend of mine paid €120 for a cake for her child's birthday recently, and said never again!
You don't like your sister-in-law, or any of your husband's side (including him), so you will never take anything any of them say on board. It doesn't mean that what they say isn't valid. Maybe, if your marriage survives the next few years, you will mellow out and realise that people talk all the time. And people pass opinion all the time. And you have the choice to take that on board or ignore it. But you will never, ever be able to stop it.
Best you will be able to do is not hear it by not being around these people. But they'll still talk about you. You just have to learn to not care so much about what others think. If YOU are happy and confident in your own choices then other people's opinion won't affect you.0 -
OP why do you let the sister in law wind you up so much? So what if she makes some remarks. Perhaps they're a little rude, but that's all. People have opinions. People talk. What do you expect your husband to do about this? He can't control what his sister says and thinks.0
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I guess 90%+ of our arguments are about his family. For example, we had our daughter's birthday party in a neutral place and we bought an expensive cake. His sister came over to our house afterwards and that's when the trouble started.
She was really nosy and out of line scolding us for buying an expensive cake and telling us where we should have had the birthday party. She's done that before with other items that we have bought or our rent. I don't know why she does this.
I didn't say anything to her but I tried to talk to my husband afterwards and we got into an argument.
OP I've gotten told what way to decorate my house, how to cut my hair, how much make-up to wear and comments on my clothes from siblings, my mother and friends. They have their opinion on it but I don't let it wind me up and I don't hold anyone to account to make them stop having those opinions. That's all they are - opinions. Yes your sister-in-law sounds like a very vocally opinionated person but that doesn't mean that you have to pay any heed to it. Just let it roll off you - like water off a ducks back.
She does it because she has opinions on how things should be done. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong.
And your husband can't be held responsible for making her stop sharing these opinions. He might not agree at all but maybe has learned to just let her talk and get it out and ignore it all. Or maybe he agrees with some of it and doesn't know how to raise it but knows his sister will so lets that be the start of the conversation. Not the best way to handle it if it is that but no ones perfect.0 -
Big Bag of Chips wrote: »Your sister in law expressed an opinion. People do it all the time. Whether to your face or behind your back. I don't know why you had an argument with your husband, over what your sister-in-law said! He can't control her. He can't make her have a different opinion. There are people in my life that tell me what they think I should do, sometimes I listen to the advice because sometimes it's relevant. Other times I say I'm happy with my choice, other times I say nothing at all.
How old are you, OP? Because I think I might have been a bit like you up to mid-late 20s. At that age you're establishing yourself as an adult, and a mother, and you want people to accept that you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions for yourself, and your family. It can feel like a personal affront of someone suggests something else. And you feel the need to stamp your own authority and let others know you don't need their opinion.
As we get older, we get better at filtering "advice". My mother used to drive me scatty with her opinion on what I did. But you know what, she wasn't always wrong. I just wanted to prove I was always right. As I head in to my 40s now, I've mellowed a lot. I realise that yes, I know what works best in my own family, but that doesn't mean I can't pick up ideas from others.
I also think an expensive birthday cake for a small child is a waste, by the way! We have used everything from Tesco/Aldi traybakes to 2 side by side Vienettas for cakes, and kids devour them exactly the same as they would an expensive cake. A friend of mine paid €120 for a cake for her child's birthday recently, and said never again!
You don't like your sister-in-law, or any of your husband's side (including him), so you will never take anything any of them say on board. It doesn't mean that what they say isn't valid. Maybe, if your marriage survives the next few years, you will mellow out and realise that people talk all the time. And people pass opinion all the time. And you have the choice to take that on board or ignore it. But you will never, ever be able to stop it.
Best you will be able to do is not hear it by not being around these people. But they'll still talk about you. You just have to learn to not care so much about what others think. If YOU are happy and confident in your own choices then other people's opinion won't affect you.
Yes, I'd fall into that age bracket. I don't want anyone questioning my authority when it comes to my own life. It's my money, my life, my choices, and I don't want advice or people even going there especially from certain people.
I really don't care what other people are doing especially when it comes to money. I don't care if your rent or mortgage is 4k, 10k on a cake, or you spent 500 on a jacket. It's not my problem. I don't understand why someone would care.
I also don't find my in-laws to be a credible source. I don't think they are admirable, highly intelligent/successful people. I don't value their opinion. I would value the opinion of someone who was 'above' me or successful in an area that I want to be successful in.
They have a lot of lifestyle habits that I don't agree with such as smoking, living off the state, doing drugs at times, staying with unfaithful partners, and (this one I might get into trouble for) but co-habitation. I just don't agree with it. But... I'm not close to them so I also don't care what they are doing or what they chose to do.
I generally don't give my opinions to anyone without asking.0 -
OP why do you let the sister in law wind you up so much? So what if she makes some remarks. Perhaps they're a little rude, but that's all. People have opinions. People talk. What do you expect your husband to do about this? He can't control what his sister says and thinks.witchgirl26 wrote: »OP I've gotten told what way to decorate my house, how to cut my hair, how much make-up to wear and comments on my clothes from siblings, my mother and friends. They have their opinion on it but I don't let it wind me up and I don't hold anyone to account to make them stop having those opinions. That's all they are - opinions. Yes your sister-in-law sounds like a very vocally opinionated person but that doesn't mean that you have to pay any heed to it. Just let it roll off you - like water off a ducks back.
She does it because she has opinions on how things should be done. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong.
And your husband can't be held responsible for making her stop sharing these opinions. He might not agree at all but maybe has learned to just let her talk and get it out and ignore it all. Or maybe he agrees with some of it and doesn't know how to raise it but knows his sister will so lets that be the start of the conversation. Not the best way to handle it if it is that but no ones perfect.
He can tell her to stop coming into our house and telling us how to live our lives. He can tell her that her opinion is not wanted and not to be so rude.
I have my own opinions about them and their lives. Not too much of it is pleasant and I don't share it with them. Like I wouldn't walk into their house and say 'oh it's so disgusting how you smoke, why do you do it'. I wouldn't have the guts to do that lol
I guess I don't like opinionated people.0 -
Does he side with his family when they are spouting off or does he let it slide off him like water off a duck's back?
I don't agree with certain members of my family and they can be quite opinionated at times but I'm still fond of them. If they are going off about something I don't agree with, it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm here for a good time, not a long time as they say and picking arguments with family over things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things really wouldn't interest me. At the end of it all, despite some idealogical differences between some of us, we all enjoy each others company when we meet up.
You seem to have a very low opinion of his family, which I'm presuming he doesn't share and so he still wants to hang around with them from time to time. I'm guessing you want your husband to say something to his sister about being opinionated but he has no interest in doing it because he doesn't want to damage his relationship with her? And because of that, you think he's showing loyalty to his family over you? To me, it looks like its a rock and a hard place situation for him. Can you not adopt a live and let live attitude to his family? Whatever nonsense they say or whatever they are pass remarkable, it will have no effect on how you live your life if you don't let it.0 -
I guess I don't like opinionated people.
Pretty ironic considering you are very opinionated yourself. The only difference is you don’t give your opinions to their faces.
Some people like to give advice even if it’s totally unwanted. My brother in law is like this. When he tells me things we should to with our house, how to raise our baby or whatever I nod and smile and promptly forget about it.0 -
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kunst nugget wrote: »Does he side with his family when they are spouting off or does he let it slide off him like water off a duck's back?
I don't agree with certain members of my family and they can be quite opinionated at times but I'm still fond of them. If they are going off about something I don't agree with, it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm here for a good time, not a long time as they say and picking arguments with family over things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things really wouldn't interest me. At the end of it all, despite some idealogical differences between some of us, we all enjoy each others company when we meet up.
You seem to have a very low opinion of his family, which I'm presuming he doesn't share and so he still wants to hang around with them from time to time. I'm guessing you want your husband to say something to his sister about being opinionated but he has no interest in doing it because he doesn't want to damage his relationship with her? And because of that, you think he's showing loyalty to his family over you? To me, it looks like its a rock and a hard place situation for him. Can you not adopt a live and let live attitude to his family? Whatever nonsense they say or whatever they are pass remarkable, it will have no effect on how you live your life if you don't let it.
I guess on top of them being opinionated I just don't enjoy them. I don't have anything in common with them and we don't 'click', there's no chemistry so there isn't much there for me to focus on. They haven't lived lives that I would want to, no shared experiences, no shared goals or values. I usually feel BLAH and miserable after having to spend time with them.
I usually do avoid but I can't always and sometimes it's unavoidable. I usually have to see them on special occasions and it can ruin it for me at times. As my family/close friends live far away I don't have an excuse or alternative that I can go to.
My husband says he has his own mind and he doesn't make decisions based on what they say/think. I don't either but I still don't like it.
My husband has a low opinion of his 2 drug addict brothers and he admits that the others haven't always made great choices and aren't always the smartest bunch but they are his family.0 -
He can tell her to stop coming into our house and telling us how to live our lives. He can tell her that her opinion is not wanted and not to be so rude.
Or MAYBE he doesn't want to cause a family feud over nothing. You're overreacting to their comments/criticism. YOU need to learn to live with it. It's completely unfair to expect him to pick a fight with his family on your behalf.0 -
They have a lot of lifestyle habits that I don't agree with..... (this one I might get into trouble for) but co-habitation. I just don't agree with it.
Well maybe if you had lived with your partner prior to marriage then you would have had a much better idea of what living with him was going to entail.
I'm not sure what you are looking for from this thread. It's certainly not advice, nor do you seem interested in the opinion of others.0 -
Or MAYBE he doesn't want to cause a family feud over nothing. You're overreacting to their comments/criticism. YOU need to learn to live with it. It's completely unfair to expect him to pick a fight with his family on your behalf.
Well they don't have to live with anything that I do. It's unbalanced and unfair. Should I start just saying/doing whatever I want?0 -
Big Bag of Chips wrote: »Well maybe if you had lived with your partner prior to marriage then you would have had a much better idea of what living with him was going to entail.
I'm not sure what you are looking for from this thread. It's certainly not advice, nor do you seem interested in the opinion of others.
Well everyone is asking me to put up with what is going on basically. I'm not sure if I want to do that. What do I get out of doing that?0 -
Well they don't have to live with anything that I do. It's unbalanced and unfair. Should I start just saying/doing whatever I want?
Whats unbalanced and unfair? Them mouthing off?
Just tell them to STFU, that youre not interested in their opinions. Tell them not to call. Go out if they call.
Im not sure what you are looking for - you cant change anyone elses behaviour, only your own.0 -
Whats unbalanced and unfair? Them mouthing off?
Just tell them to STFU, that youre not interested in their opinions. Tell them not to call. Go out if they call.
Im not sure what you are looking for - you cant change anyone elses behaviour, only your own.
Well the advice I have gotten is:
- I overreact to their bad behaviour (maybe it's true but that's just how I am)
- I have to put up with them to avoid conflict (I can but that's not fair to me)
- I have to put up with my husband not dealing with them (that's not fair to me)
- I can tell them off (my husband won't have my back on that one)
- If I act badly they will reprimand me more than I would reprimand them
There is an imbalance of power in this situation.
Basically what I want and how I feel is not important to any of these people.0 -
What is the imbalance of power?
As people said, repeatedly you cannot change them. That is the way they are. Going on about an imbalance of power is pointless. They are a certain type of person. You are a different type of person. The only person giving anyone any power, is you.
Your options are put up with it, or don't. I don't know what else you think should happen. You think your husband should tell them all to shut up... Well he won't, unless they annoy him, and he obviously doesn't let what they say annoy him. You've said as much in a previous post.
So, you put up with it, or you don't. You seem determined to put yourself in the path of these people and then continue to pass remarks on them. Some might say at least they're saying whatever they think to your face!
I told you, my uncle married a woman almost 40 years ago, and I've probably met her 4 or 5 times in my entire life. She is a nurse, and as a child I once spent 4 days on the ward she worked on and never saw her. She deliberately didn't come near me. I wouldn't have known her anyway!
You don't have to have any sort of relationship with these people.
But I get the feeling even that is not an acceptable option for you. Nothing will suit you only everyone around you changing to suit you. Even at that you still wouldn't like them!0 -
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He can tell her to stop coming into our house and telling us how to live our lives. He can tell her that her opinion is not wanted and not to be so rude.
I have my own opinions about them and their lives. Not too much of it is pleasant and I don't share it with them. Like I wouldn't walk into their house and say 'oh it's so disgusting how you smoke, why do you do it'. I wouldn't have the guts to do that lol
I guess I don't like opinionated people.
OP why should your husband have to say that. If you don't like her opinions being sprouted at you, say it yourself. Don't ask your husband to pick a fight with his sister about something that is your problem and not his.
You wouldn't have the guts to do that - fair enough but doesn't mean others won't. You'll meet people like this throughout your life and you need to learn how to deal with them either by telling them, politely, where to go or by just letting it in one ear and out the other.Well they don't have to live with anything that I do. It's unbalanced and unfair. Should I start just saying/doing whatever I want?
Yes. You're a grown up. You can do and say whatever you want.Yes, I'd fall into that age bracket. I don't want anyone questioning my authority when it comes to my own life. It's my money, my life, my choices, and I don't want advice or people even going there especially from certain people.
I really don't care what other people are doing especially when it comes to money. I don't care if your rent or mortgage is 4k, 10k on a cake, or you spent 500 on a jacket. It's not my problem. I don't understand why someone would care.
I also don't find my in-laws to be a credible source. I don't think they are admirable, highly intelligent/successful people. I don't value their opinion. I would value the opinion of someone who was 'above' me or successful in an area that I want to be successful in.
They have a lot of lifestyle habits that I don't agree with such as smoking, living off the state, doing drugs at times, staying with unfaithful partners, and (this one I might get into trouble for) but co-habitation. I just don't agree with it. But... I'm not close to them so I also don't care what they are doing or what they chose to do.
I generally don't give my opinions to anyone without asking.
OP you say you don't like opinionated people but you're quite opinionated yourself. You're just less vocal it would appear about it.
You need to stop looking down on your inlaws. Fair enough they're not people that you'd choose to associate with normally but you are related, like it or not. Looking down on them and their choices while complaining they're not respecting yours is a bit hypocritical. Respect that it's their lives and they've chosen to do with it what they will. You don't have to agree with it.
For example - my sister in law doesn't believe in couples co-habiting either before marriage. It's based in her religious beliefs. I respect that. However she also has respected me enough to not make any comments about the fact that I live with my OH. She respects its my life and I've a different outlook.Well everyone is asking me to put up with what is going on basically. I'm not sure if I want to do that. What do I get out of doing that?
You get a life where you're not letting these things upset you and cause problems in your marriage. You get the ability to let go of others expectations and opinions and live the life you want to live. What is going on is only people talking. Nothing more. And talk can be ignored. You don't have to counter your in laws opinions, you don't have to like them either. They just are what they are.Well the advice I have gotten is:
- I overreact to their bad behaviour (maybe it's true but that's just how I am)
- I have to put up with them to avoid conflict (I can but that's not fair to me)
- I have to put up with my husband not dealing with them (that's not fair to me)
- I can tell them off (my husband won't have my back on that one)
- If I act badly they will reprimand me more than I would reprimand them
There is an imbalance of power in this situation.
Basically what I want and how I feel is not important to any of these people.
You know you can change how you are though. Trust me. I used to overreact all the time to what my siblings would tell me to do and how to live etc. I've changed though over the past few years and accepted that mostly they're trying to give advice and to listen but choose myself.
We all have to do things that aren't fair on us. It's life. You don't have to put up with them personally insulting you (and I mean actually insulting you) but if they're sprouting off opinions you don't agree with, what is the harm in keeping quiet and just letting it wash over you?0 -
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witchgirl26 wrote: »OP why should your husband have to say that. If you don't like her opinions being sprouted at you, say it yourself. Don't ask your husband to pick a fight with his sister about something that is your problem and not his.
You wouldn't have the guts to do that - fair enough but doesn't mean others won't. You'll meet people like this throughout your life and you need to learn how to deal with them either by telling them, politely, where to go or by just letting it in one ear and out the other.
Yes. You're a grown up. You can do and say whatever you want.
OP you say you don't like opinionated people but you're quite opinionated yourself. You're just less vocal it would appear about it.
You need to stop looking down on your inlaws. Fair enough they're not people that you'd choose to associate with normally but you are related, like it or not. Looking down on them and their choices while complaining they're not respecting yours is a bit hypocritical. Respect that it's their lives and they've chosen to do with it what they will. You don't have to agree with it.
For example - my sister in law doesn't believe in couples co-habiting either before marriage. It's based in her religious beliefs. I respect that. However she also has respected me enough to not make any comments about the fact that I live with my OH. She respects its my life and I've a different outlook.
You get a life where you're not letting these things upset you and cause problems in your marriage. You get the ability to let go of others expectations and opinions and live the life you want to live. What is going on is only people talking. Nothing more. And talk can be ignored. You don't have to counter your in laws opinions, you don't have to like them either. They just are what they are.
You know you can change how you are though. Trust me. I used to overreact all the time to what my siblings would tell me to do and how to live etc. I've changed though over the past few years and accepted that mostly they're trying to give advice and to listen but choose myself.
We all have to do things that aren't fair on us. It's life. You don't have to put up with them personally insulting you (and I mean actually insulting you) but if they're sprouting off opinions you don't agree with, what is the harm in keeping quiet and just letting it wash over you?
I guess I don't know why telling someone that their behaviour is not that great is picking a fight? Why can't the other person just be nice, compliant, understanding and stop? Why are they not eager to please?
It's not really their choices so much... I mean I think I just don't have a lot of respect for them in general. It's more who they are at their core character that I don't like. The words 'dirty' and 'pathetic' come to mind.
I don't agree with cohabitation because it seems too patriarchal to me. The feminist in me can't put up with that. A man gets to have ALL of you without making a commitment. I wouldn't want that. A wife has so much more leverage and authority than just a girlfriend. If I met someone else who cohabitates I might not feel as strongly about their situation if I had respect for them.
I tried to tell my SIL to stop talking about something one time and she went for the jugular. She insulted me to no end and my husband didn't even try to stop her. I guess that's why I don't like her - she's not very nice and too vocal. It's repugnant. I don't like to lose a fight to such a person.
I can't say or do whatever I want without being reprimanded or punished by someone.
I guess I don't want to submit to them. I don't want to be related to them either.0 -
I don't agree with cohabitation because it seems too patriarchal to me. The feminist in me can't put up with that. A man gets to have ALL of you without making a commitment. I wouldn't want that. A wife has so much more leverage and authority than just a girlfriend. If I met someone else who cohabitates I might not feel as strongly about their situation if I had respect for them.
This is just weird.
Why not - A woman gets to have ALL of a man without her making a commitment. A husband has so much more leverage and authority than just a boyfriend.
It cuts both ways. But only if you see people as equals regardless of gender - which you dont seem to.
On the in laws - if you dont want to submit and you dont want to be related then you can leave your husband. Its already been suggested and you say no to that.
You cant have it every way. You need to work out what you want, and that has to be something possible (as in, you cant change other peoples behaviour).0 -
You've said how she reacts though so it really would be picking a fight. No one likes to hear their flaws or to be told to shut up. I'm not saying she sounds a delight but she is who she is. And you can't control that. Most people aren't eager to please. I'm not. I'm just eager to be me.
See using those terms to describe them isn't exactly going to win friends, is it? You want them to respect you and your core values and traits but won't give them the same in return. Perhaps it's that they feel you look down on them (which you seem to) and are fighting back against that?
To me moving in together and getting a mortgage is as much of a commitment as a wedding ring. Also with the new laws on cohabiting couples, there's a lot more protection to both parties. Not trying to get you to change your mind. It's you opinion but honestly I don't think my level of "leverage" isn't going to change when we get married.
You're not losing a fight by walking away or ignoring. In fact that's more being the bigger person. Honestly if my OH and my brother for example were having a massive row, I'd probably stay out too as I'd never be in the right and wouldn't want to run the risk of it turning on me! You've tried telling her to stop talking before and it didn't work so why not try the letting it go?
Who is reprimanding or punishing you for saying what you want or doing what you want? Or is that you feel they're judging you? There is a difference. Learning to ignore the latter will make you freer.
You're not submitting to them by just getting on with it and ignoring when they talk about things you don't agree with. Not everything is about leverage, submission or having the upper hand.
I get that you don't want to be related but you are. You choose your husband and unfortunately his family, for better or worse, come into that a bit. You can either learn to live with them and not get upset by them all the time, either by not seeing them or just ignoring what they say, or leave.0 -
witchgirl26 wrote: »You've said how she reacts though so it really would be picking a fight. No one likes to hear their flaws or to be told to shut up. I'm not saying she sounds a delight but she is who she is. And you can't control that. Most people aren't eager to please. I'm not. I'm just eager to be me.
See using those terms to describe them isn't exactly going to win friends, is it? You want them to respect you and your core values and traits but won't give them the same in return. Perhaps it's that they feel you look down on them (which you seem to) and are fighting back against that?
To me moving in together and getting a mortgage is as much of a commitment as a wedding ring. Also with the new laws on cohabiting couples, there's a lot more protection to both parties. Not trying to get you to change your mind. It's you opinion but honestly I don't think my level of "leverage" isn't going to change when we get married.
You're not losing a fight by walking away or ignoring. In fact that's more being the bigger person. Honestly if my OH and my brother for example were having a massive row, I'd probably stay out too as I'd never be in the right and wouldn't want to run the risk of it turning on me! You've tried telling her to stop talking before and it didn't work so why not try the letting it go?
Who is reprimanding or punishing you for saying what you want or doing what you want? Or is that you feel they're judging you? There is a difference. Learning to ignore the latter will make you freer.
You're not submitting to them by just getting on with it and ignoring when they talk about things you don't agree with. Not everything is about leverage, submission or having the upper hand.
I get that you don't want to be related but you are. You choose your husband and unfortunately his family, for better or worse, come into that a bit. You can either learn to live with them and not get upset by them all the time, either by not seeing them or just ignoring what they say, or leave.
I guess since she appears to love her brother, she should be caring about what he thinks and she should listen to him.
I feel that he could use that advantage to try to talk to her about her behaviour and she should change it.
If she doesn't, I don't know why he is still loyal to her.
That's where the whole loyalty thing comes in.
No doubt I'd be dropped in an instant because of my behaviour if it wasn't stellar but everyone else gets a free pass.
Even a drug addict - but if I tell someone to stop talking, I get slaughtered.0 -
I don't agree with cohabitation because it seems too patriarchal to me. The feminist in me can't put up with that. A man gets to have ALL of you without making a commitment. I wouldn't want that. A wife has so much more leverage and authority than just a girlfriend. If I met someone else who cohabitates I might not feel as strongly about their situation if I had respect for them.
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Wow! That's a bizarrely regressive viewpoint for someone who claims to dislike anti-feminist opinions. Your understanding of what constitutes feminism is one I've never come across before!
You are coming across as someone who would be quite difficult to be around. You dislike everyone and everything, its always someone elses fault and someone else's responsibility to fix. You are spending your life in a state of impotent rage expecting your husband to magic it all away on your behalf.
Is your husband aware that you consider his family 'dirty and pathetic'? Its little wonder he isn't keen to step up on your behalf when you have so much bile towards them for apparetnly no concrete reason other than they arent people you would choose to spend your time with. Your phrasing is full of very confrontational language, like you see the whole situation as a battle that you need to win. The in-laws are the enemy for your husbands affection and he is the enemy for your daughters affection. None of this is healthy.
You really need to take a step back and take a look at why you are feeling the way you are. It seems very unlikely its due to being told the cake you bought was too expensive!0 -
I love my brothers to bits but that said I wouldn't necessarily change my behaviour or alter myself because they say so. Maybe if I was still a child but as an adult then no - I'm not constantly out to please them. I'd listen but that would be it.
He is loyal to her because she is his sister who, despite all her flaws, he loves her. And loyal there is in an odd word - I'm not saying he should take her side but staying out of it is not a bad idea.
If you have that low an opinion of your husband, then the in laws are the least of your worries.
They don't get a "free pass" necessarily but they are his family. He's grown up with them and seen them all, even the one with a drug problem, at better times and remembers that. He'll still love them in spite of their flaws.
Honestly OP you need to accept that you're not going to get their behaviour to change. The only person you control is you. Which has been said here before. Therefore it's more about learning coping techniques for dealing with them if you really can't stand them that much. Limit your time with them and when you are with them just accept that they will say things you don't agree with but you don't have to respond.0 -
karen42 wrote:I guess I don't like opinionated people.
Oh the irony!!!karen42 wrote:My husband says he has his own mind and he doesn't make decisions based on what they say/think. I don't either but I still don't like it.
Get over it. You can't control what others say and do.
You have huge issues that you need to sort out for yourself before you can try make your relationship work.karen42 wrote:Basically what I want and how I feel is not important to any of these people.
Why should it be important to them? You look down your nose at them. You think your too good for them.
You said you would take advice from people more successful. How do you gauge that success?
I've met plenty of successful people over the years and some have been horrible people.
If you put a pig in a suit it's still a pig.
Why expect your husband to put his family in his place?
Grow a spine and tell them what they say doesn't matter to you.
Or just put up with it and use your husband as the scapegoat for what others say and do.
I think WHEN you do separate he will have a lucky escape.
I feel sorry for your child growing up getting some of your values.0
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