Girlfriend wants me to go to weddings and I don't want to go

GingerLily

santana75 wrote: »

You're glossing over the "told" part of the issue. Thats massive. Its not something insignificant, in fact its the crux of the matter. This girl dictated to him what he was to do and obviously his back went up. Thats not a discussion between two adults. Thats more like a parent-child type situation. Id venture to guess that had she come to him and asked would he go to this wedding he'd have gone. Theres a way to ask someone to do something. Telling
them is not aint it. The Op needs to assert himself and express his wishes. What his girlfriend decides to do subsequently is her decision entirely. The Op needs to accept that sometimes when you stand up for yourself and assert your boundaries that some people will get very angry at you. Thats life and thats what it means to be true to yourself.

I think you're going over board on the TOLD thing - it's such an easy mistake to make to be fair.

Your approach is unnecessarily aggressive, he should just talk to her first


Relax!!

santana75

GingerLily wrote: »

I think you're going over board on the TOLD thing - it's such an easy mistake to make to be fair.

Your approach is unnecessarily aggressive, he should just talk to her first


Relax!!

But thats the thing. It doesnt matter about my approach or your approach.....what matters is the OPs approach. And he made a point of saying he was "told" to go to the wedding. You may think its nothing but the guy obviously does. Healthy relationships dont involve one person bossing the other. Thats disrespectful, no matter how much you wanna dismiss it, its significant here. And like I said, I would guess if she had asked him would he go he probably would have went. I agree he should talk to her but she needs to take responsibilty for how she makes requests of the Op. Asking, not telling is win win and a respectful way to go.

Plopsu

Wesser wrote: »

Yes. That is what love is.

Making sacrifices and doing things you don't want to do because you love her .

That is what love is.

So what you're saying is that his girlfriend, who won't sacrifice the wedding on NYE so he can spend the evening with family (which I got the impression was already planned) doesn't love him?

GingerLily

Plopsu wrote: »

So what you're saying is that his girlfriend, who won't sacrifice the wedding on NYE so he can spend the evening with family (which I got the impression was already planned) doesn't love him?

He doesn't want to go to either wedding. If he wanted to compromise he'd suggest going to the other wedding.

Poor girlfriend, either spend new years alone at the wedding, or a third wheel with her partner and his brother. Neither sounds fun!

I'd always want to spend news years with my partner - but that's just me!

Plopsu

GingerLily wrote: »

He doesn't want to go to either wedding. If he wanted to compromise he'd suggest going to the other wedding.

Poor girlfriend, either spend new years alone at the wedding, or a third wheel with her partner and his brother. Neither sounds fun!

I'd always want to spend news years with my partner - but that's just me!

Just saying the argument that was being made cuts both ways.
And poor girlfriend nothing. She's basically bullied him into changing his plans for NYE. She'd hardly be a third wheel with his brother and if she was that keen to spend NYE with him, she would. The wedding doesn't sound fun to him, so why does she get her way?
Personally (assuming that he did already have plans that she was aware of), I would see this as a very big red flag - but that's just me.

GingerLily

Plopsu wrote: »

Just saying the argument that was being made cuts both ways.
And poor girlfriend nothing. She's basically bullied him into changing his plans for NYE. She'd hardly be a third wheel with his brother and if she was that keen to spend NYE with him, she would. The wedding doesn't sound fun to him, so why does she get her way?
Personally (assuming that he did already have plans that she was aware of), I would see this as a very big red flag - but that's just me.

So many exaggerations going on in this thread, I can't even respond anymore - bullying?

If he genuinely feels bullied he should leave her and let her find someone that wants to spend time with her and who doesn't feel bullied because she assumes they'll go to a wedding because that's what most people do!!

Plopsu

GingerLily wrote: »

So many exaggerations going on in this thread, I can't even respond anymore - bullying?

If he genuinely feels bullied he should leave her and let her find someone that wants to spend time with her and who doesn't feel bullied because she assumes they'll go to a wedding because that's what most people do!!

He had other plans and didn't want to go. She argued until he caved. Not bullying? Fair enough so.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

homerjay2005 wrote: »

wiggle16 wrote: »

I get where people are coming from with the whole "welcome to the world of relationships" schtick, but no, that's not how things work. Your girlfriend has some growing up to do,.

so because she wants to go to a wedding or two, she needs to grow up

She can go to all the weddings she wants, all by herself like a big girl, accepting invitations on his behalf, particularly on NYE is a bit presumptuous and self-centred, and the fact that it kicked off into a fight and he ended up capitulating completely isn't good either. I'm in my relationship four years and i'd go to any family thing my OH wanted me to accompany him to but i'd not be happy AT ALL if he told me we were going, especially to an expensive thing for people I don't know and will likely never see again.

I also don't think it's great, OP, that your chosen course of action is "I'll go to both but I'm going to make it very clear that I'm not happy about it". Ye both getting to not enjoy two weddings isn't a compromise or a win for anyone.

You love her, it's a good relationship, good on ye. But I'd personally be cautious of this sort model of communication and conflict resolution establishing itself right as ye're crossing the border into LTR territory.

wiggle16

homerjay2005 wrote: »

so because she wants to go to a wedding or two, she needs to grow up

and yes, relationship are all about doing things for each other that make each other happy, the way you word it the OP shouldnt do anything.

She needs to grow up because throwing a strop and starting a row because your boyfriend already has plans and doesn't want to go to your former colleague's wedding is very childish.

The OP is being reasonable - he's going to one stranger's wedding with her. He has plans with his family that clash with another wedding. Weddings are time consuming and can be expensive, especially if they have to book a hotel room, and on New Year's eve to boot. She is being very inconsiderate.

And as for relationships being about making each other happy: absolutely. So her attitude, which is that he has to miss out on something important to him simply because she says so, is pure selfishness.

There's absolutely nothing stopping her going on her own or bringing a friend or sister or cousin or some other Jaysus.

The Young Wan

GreeBo wrote: »

Its the not the boyfriend who doesnt know anyone, its the girlfriend, hence why the OP doesnt want to go. Neither of them are going to know people there.

Why would anyone go to a wedding, not to mention even be invited, to a wedding where they don't know anyone?

lunamoon

The Young Wan wrote: »

Why would anyone go to a wedding, not to mention even be invited, to a wedding where they don't know anyone?

You can make friends at a wedding. You don't need to know everyone at a function you're going to.

facehugger99

The Young Wan wrote: »

Why would anyone go to a wedding, not to mention even be invited, to a wedding where they don't know anyone?

Been to loads of weddings with my OH where I've not really known anyone else.

It's no big deal.

People are usually in a good mood, you get food and drink and to socialise with other people.

Don't see what big deal is.

There are many social and family events that you need to attend when you're in a long term relationship. That's just part of the deal. Accept it, make your peace with it and welcome to the world of being a grown-up..

rainbowtrout

The Young Wan wrote: »

Why would anyone go to a wedding, not to mention even be invited, to a wedding where they don't know anyone?

Presumably they know the bride or groom?

kbell

Over the years I’ve gone to lots of weddings that my oh didn’t want to/couldn’t go and vise Versa.
We either went on our own or brought a mate along as the +1