Husband worried about Autism

LouD2016

Hey all,
Need some advice on a problem that is really coming between me and the hubby.
I have a 1 year old, it is our first child, and like all new parents we are scared and anxious about everything little thing! However my husband is constantly with worrying that our son is going to be Autistic. He has been from the first few weeks. I know it is natural to worry but I feel it is ruining our time watching our son grow.
Every little thing he does is being analysed and googled. It's really upsetting me. To me my son is perfect. He has hit all the milestones so far and I don't see any difference in him to my friends kids.
He can be hard work - but what toddlers aren't?! He makes great eye contact, chats away to us, plays peek a boo with us, mimics sounds and facial expressions. I don't see any problems.
And even if he was to be on the spectrum what about it - he is my son and I will love him regardless.
How can I get through to my husband to stop obsessing about it? I really feel it's ruining our first few years with our lovely little baby and it breaks my heart to know he is sitting there thinking these things.

shesty

Have you told him this, how you feel?
Without meaning to sound rude, if he thinks a one year old being hard work (and what it entails) is a possible indication of autism, he is in for a rude awakening with the 2/3 year old phase.Major work.

LouD2016

shesty wrote: »

Have you told him this, how you feel?
Without meaning to sound rude, if he thinks a one year old being hard work (and what it entails) is a possible indication of autism, he is in for a rude awakening with the 2/3 year old phase.Major work.

oh yea we have many many discussions about it. I keep telling him he is a toddler he is going to be hard work. I know it is new to us both but its just so frustrating listening to this

LirW

See I think the problem partly comes from this rigid idea of milestones the internet is selling to a lot of parents.
When you talk to a professional they'll quickly re-assure that children develop in their own time so a child not doing X or Y isn't necessarily an indicator for anything.
I have a boy who was a bit on the early side with everything and skipped milestones entirely, while my girl is a late bloomer and also skipped a few milestones, they're both very different personalities too.

It's great that you're relaxed with how he does. Tell your husband how you feel and ask him if he would feel better to see the Public health nurse together with you and the child and he can talk about his worries, the nurse would be quite quick to re-assure him, especially if the child is doing great.

Sono

I’m a recent new father and she is 6 months old now, no matter what way she turns out I will love her no matter if she is autistic or not, not being bad OP but your husband needs to cop on here.

.......

I remember a guy in an previous job who was behaving the same way about his own newborn.

It turned out his sister had made some ill thought out comment along the lines of "oh that can be a sign of autism" about some minor incident or behaviour to do with the child.

I asked him if any medical person had ever suggested the child had autism or if he had ever asked a medical professional about it? No.

What did the sister do for a living - she was a beautician. Did any of her kids have autism? No. Had she any experiences with people who have autism? No.

So I asked him why he was so caught up in this one comment made by someone who didnt even really know what she was talking about - it was the verbal equivalent of sharing a factually incorrect facebook post.

He seemed to agree but he continued to obsess about the autism. I think he needed help himself.

Perhaps your husband needs to talk to someone. Would he normally be an obsessive type of a person, who would latch onto a thought and obsess over it in such a manner?

LouD2016

Tell your husband how you feel and ask him if he would feel better to see the Public health nurse together with you and the child and he can talk about his worries, the nurse would be quite quick to re-assure him, especially if the child is doing great.



That's a great idea - thank you for that. Might help ease his mind

LouD2016

Sono wrote: »

I’m a recent new father and she is 6 months old now, no matter what way she turns out I will love her no matter if she is autistic or not, not being bad OP but your husband needs to cop on here.

Don't get me get wrong - he is a brilliant father. Helps me so much and loves him to bits. He just cant stop worrying about things like this and I know he will look back in a few years and regret spending so much time worrying

LouD2016

....... wrote: »

I remember a guy in an previous job who was behaving the same way about his own newborn.

It turned out his sister had made some ill thought out comment along the lines of "oh that can be a sign of autism" about some minor incident or behaviour to do with the child.

I asked him if any medical person had ever suggested the child had autism or if he had ever asked a medical professional about it? No.

What did the sister do for a living - she was a beautician. Did any of her kids have autism? No. Had she any experiences with people who have autism? No.

So I asked him why he was so caught up in this one comment made by someone who didnt even really know what she was talking about - it was the verbal equivalent of sharing a factually incorrect facebook post.

He seemed to agree but he continued to obsess about the autism. I think he needed help himself.

Perhaps your husband needs to talk to someone. Would he normally be an obsessive type of a person, who would latch onto a thought and obsess over it in such a manner?

Not normally no but then again this is our first child so I didn't know how he would be with babies. I actually thought id be the one obsessing over things and worrying.
His mother would be the type to make comments and remarks so I know she doesn't help matters...

drunkmonkey

Very young to be even be thinking about it, has caused a huge amount of stress in our house with the oldest (4). Creche called out a few red flags when he was 2, all flags disappearing, in the early intervention loop but he's done fine with everyone he's met so far, taking him private for a little help with speech but he's by no means bad at talking or non verbal, more than capable of having a rant when the mood hits him. Gets jokes etc, really not worried just think the creche jumped the gun a bit.
Sounds like you've a 1yr old on your hands, wouldn't worry about it, your husband is in for a rude awakening over the next 2yrs, kids are crazy and capable of anything. From what you said I don't see any cause for any concerns.

seamus

I think it's somewhat understandable to be worried - it's a big one being talked about at the moment, particularly in terms of being able to minimise the impact of it by catching it early. When you compare a child who's had early intervention against someone who never got diagnosed, the difference in being able to function is so stark it's actually heartbreaking.

So if he's inclined to worry, then I can see why he would obsess over it, and be terrified that it might be "missed" and your son require help for the rest of his life.

That said, he does need to tone it down and grab some perspective. This is basically hypochondria-by-proxy and he should maybe go speak to someone about it. Not only will it drive him to an early grave, but it could cause him to become overly protective, stunting your son's social and intellectual development.

Does your husband get to spend much time watching your son explore and play, and especially interacting with other children? I find it's really when you get talking to other parents and observing other kids, you get a much better grip on what constitutes "normal".

Mousewar

My daughter is a little over 1 but she has a genetic condition that apparently predisposes her to autism (as well as great many other things). Nothing to suggest it yet but it was quite a big worry to be told that.
Anyway, what helped me was actually letting the thought go to its worst place in my head, thinking about what I'd do (Love her and support her as best I could) and then, having considered the worst and what I'd do, I was able to let it go and I don't think it about it at all anymore. No idea if that will work for your husband but it did for me. Basically, it's the tactic of taking these awful thoughts in your head and saying ok what's the worst you got and realising that you can deal with it. The thoughts have less power over you then.
And of course, chances are he won't even have to deal with the worst.

porsche boy

He's worried, he's scared, he's a new father who wants the best for his child. It can be a daunting experience and nothing can prepare you for it. Dont be hard on him, just reassure him that everything's going to be ok.

draiochtanois

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listermint

porsche boy wrote: »

He's worried, he's scared, he's a new father who wants the best for his child. It can be a daunting experience and nothing can prepare you for it. Dont be hard on him, just reassure him that everything's going to be ok.

There is worry,

And there is obsession. Worry is natural. Obssession is not.



He should stay off the google and leave his questions for professional medical staff. That would be my first bit of advice. Google is a fools errand.

LouD2016

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

No hes not.
My sister in laws son is and he is very bad - so I think my husband seeing what they go through on a daily basis scares him

CeilingFly

Tell him to look up "Catastrophe Syndrome" - I think he has it.

My sister is similar with my mother - one sneeze and "she might get pneumonia", it got to an situation where my mum says "do not tell xxx I'm feeling a little under the weather"

The rate is less than 1% and even then you have differing levels with some barely noticable.

LouD2016

listermint wrote: »

There is worry,

And there is obsession. Worry is natural. Obssession is not.



He should stay off the google and leave his questions for professional medical staff. That would be my first bit of advice. Google is a fools errand.

Obsession is probably too a strong a word.
Im not trying to make out he has a psychological problem as some are trying to imply. Im just saying he worries a lot about this and I want to just reassure him and get him to enjoy things more

seamus

I don't think anyone is saying he has a "psychological problem", to be fair. But as we all know, the first year is tough, the first year of your first child even more so. It's not uncommon for the emotional and physical stress to take its toll on parents and manifest in strange ways and unhealthy behaviours.

This is why counselling could be a good idea, even getting him to open up to the possibility that he might be struggling and needs a little help to cope.

LouD2016

seamus wrote: »

I don't think anyone is saying he has a "psychological problem", to be fair. But as we all know, the first year is tough, the first year of your first child even more so. It's not uncommon for the emotional and physical stress to take its toll on parents and manifest in strange ways and unhealthy behaviours.

This is why counselling could be a good idea, even getting him to open up to the possibility that he might be struggling and needs a little help to cope.

Thanks for the advice

drunkmonkey

Probably still a bit young to sit down and play with toys, that's all coming over the next few months, your hubby will probably feel a bit easier when he's running around with a dustbin on his head banging into walls. He's just at that in-between stage of being a baby not yet a little boy.

shesty

He should stay off google.it's not good for someone to be checking stuff constantly.
Also when I say the next couple years are hard...I mean, kids do weird things when they are toddlers.They go through phases of the most bizarre inexplicable behaviour, generally a function of learning how to speak and how to interact with other kids.Googling all their mad habits will drive him nuts.There are a few big markers for autism and unless they are very clearly present at this age (I believe it's usually diagnosed at a later age),he has nothing to worry about.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

Why don't you organise for your husband to bring baby to next developmental check. It may be reassuring for him and allow him to raise any concerns he may have

Liam McPoyle

seamus wrote: »

I don't think anyone is saying he has a "psychological problem", to be fair. But as we all know, the first year is tough, the first year of your first child even more so. It's not uncommon for the emotional and physical stress to take its toll on parents and manifest in strange ways and unhealthy behaviours.

This is why counselling could be a good idea, even getting him to open up to the possibility that he might be struggling and needs a little help to cope.

Was just gonna echo this.

When our now 16 month old was about 8 months old I somehow managed to convince myself I had Alzeimers. I was so sure I even went as far as having tests for it. Turns out it was merely physical and mental exhaustion causing me to catastrophise things and my doctor signed me off work for three weeks. Best thing I could have done. The focus seems to be on the mental well being of the woman post birth, naturally given the physical and emotional changes they endure, but doing night / morning / evening feeds as well as having to go to work outside the home can take it's toll.

LouD2016

Business Cat wrote: »

Was just gonna echo this.

When our now 16 month old was about 8 months old I somehow managed to convince myself I had Alzeimers. I was so sure I even went as far as having tests for it. Turns out it was merely physical and mental exhaustion causing me to catastrophise things and my doctor signed me off work for three weeks. Best thing I could have done. The focus seems to be on the mental well being of the woman post birth, naturally given the physical and emotional changes they endure, but doing night / morning / evening feeds as well as having to go to work outside the home can take it's toll.

Wow - glad everything turned out ok for you Lack of sleep does crazy things to your mind.
Dad's def do get overlooked - plus there is a resistance to talk about it