Hitting 35 and stuck in an unusual situation.

the purple tin

If a bit of the other is all you are really after, then you just have to lower your standards; there are plenty of shall we say, more 'homely' type ladies out there who would take you up in a heartbeat.
Just be sure to make your intentions clear from the start so that you aren't leading anyone on.

Wibbs

gk5000 wrote: »

Confidence, anxiety...definitley talk to a friendly GP. Anti-depressives if needed would give some more or the right amount of "not care".

Edit to add: A breakup can really wreck your head. If your car was not going well you'd take it to a mechanic to fix - if your head's not going well take it to a doctor and let him fix.

Yeah, a pill for every ill. Let's medicate normal human emotions. Daft IMHO. I would not go down this route G. Too many do. Going on anti depressants? A class of drug that have done wonders for people with previously intractable depression and anxiety are not something one should start taking taking on a whim. Never mind the side effects, never mind that study after study has shown them to be little better than placebo except for people who are actually ill. And GP's are too damned quick to produce a script for them. Never mind that the majority of GP's aren't qualified to make such recommendations. If you get a referral to a psychiatrist and they suggest them that's another matter entirely.

You have suffered an emotional insult G. Akin to a bereavement of a loved one. In some ways an unwanted breakup and via cheating with it. Double whammy(been there G) after such a long relationship is worse, as there's no solid conclusion like in the death of someone close. They have the cheek to keep on living. That you share a child together means you can't even cut all contact, so that emotional wound keeps getting poked at.

After such a long relationship and subsequent breakup you're not long out of it. Nearly a decade of one life that seemed to be "for life" suddenly being over will take time to process and get over. It won't happen overnight. That you're slowly getting back into life is a good sign. I'd take Atomic Pineapple's advice below.

Atomic Pineapple wrote: »

Hi Graham,

I think you need to try to take a step back and slow down for a little bit, if you can. What has happened is a life changing event, it's not easy to deal with and there's no harm in acknowledging that, and taking time to deal with it.

Jumping back into the dating game is coming across as the wrong thing for you to do. It might be better to just forget about dating and meeting someone new for now and concentrate on a hobby you enjoy. Just take it easy with that for awhile and gradually as you deal with what has happened you will gain confidence and get back out meeting women.

The world feeds us this fast paced lifestyle but I think when you find yourself in a situation like yourself it is best to slow down, you've had a bad hit, take the time you need.

Bloody good advice in my humble.

EDIT oh and don't "lower your standards" G. Not unless you're expecting to meet a 20 year old fashion model, and I doubt you are. Lowering your standards will do you little good and is cruel to the other person with it.

BBFAN wrote:

Are you setting your standards too high and judging women purely on appearance.

We ALL judge by appearance. We kid ourselves if we say we don't. From what I'm taking from G's post is that online pics often don't follow reality. False advertising as it were. Like blokes who claim to be six feet on their profiles and show up half a foot shorter. A lass I know met a guy from POF (IIRC) and when he showed up he was ten years older than his profile pic and about three stones heavier. That's just taking the piss.

Beta Ray Bill

BBFAN wrote: »

Hi OP, just a couple of observations. You seem full of contradictions. You say women don't look the same on their dating profiles as they do in person and yet admit that you're not photogenic either so are you judging people on stuff that you don't like getting judged on?

I'm not hiding that though, it was just an observation

BBFAN wrote: »

Are you setting your standards too high and judging women purely on appearance.

I don't think so, I'm looking for someone my own age, similar interests, etc

BBFAN wrote: »

Also, if it's purely sexual pleasure you're looking for you're definitely going to come across desperate. Can you not use self gratification for the moment?

If it was purely sexual I'd just get a prostitute if I desperately needed it.

I suppose it's the company of a woman that I'm after.

BBFAN

grahambo wrote: »

I'm not hiding that though, it was just an observation



I don't think so, I'm looking for someone my own age, similar interests, etc



If it was purely sexual I'd just get a prostitute if I desperately needed it.

I suppose it's the company of a woman that I'm after.

Okay, I believe you if that's what you're saying but why then are you a little obsessed with suppressing the urge with medication?

Anything suppressed by medication is only the physical side of things, not mental.

Plopsu

Remarkable how many people have defended the use of pictures that are so altered to the point where they're effectively no longer of the person posting them. In the real world, that's called lying. Doesn't matter how many people are doing it. It's lying. So, one of the first interactions with that person is them lying to you.
OP, you say you're not photogenic but have you considered, assuming that you're posting honest pics, that due to the prevalence of such lying, those viewing them are likely to be mentally 'defiltering' your appearance and adding ten years to you?

Beta Ray Bill

BBFAN wrote: »

Okay, I believe you if that's what you're saying but why then are you a little obsessed with suppressing the urge with medication?

Anything suppressed by medication is only the physical side of things, not mental.

I don't know
I suppose one compliments the other?
Company ~ Closeness ~ Sexual Desire??

Knock out one and the others will be a null point?

Plopsu wrote: »

OP, you say you're not photogenic but have you considered, assuming that you're posting honest pics, that due to the prevalence of such lying, those viewing them are likely to be mentally 'defiltering' your appearance and adding ten years to you?

I did not think of this. I'm an honest person so I wouldn't do this.
Online Dating is so strange and weird, it's beyond my level of understanding.

ginandtonicsky

Plopsu wrote: »

Remarkable how many people have defended the use of pictures that are so altered to the point where they're effectively no longer of the person posting them. In the real world, that's called lying. Doesn't matter how many people are doing it. It's lying. So, one of the first interactions with that person is them lying to you.
OP, you say you're not photogenic but have you considered, assuming that you're posting honest pics, that due to the prevalence of such lying, those viewing them are likely to be mentally 'defiltering' your appearance and adding ten years to you?

It's the world we live in now. It's remarkably common. Which is why it's pretty important to use a bit of common sense online and not to engage with a profile that has nothing but carefully angled selfies or a distinct lack of full-body shots.

I think rushing back onto the dating scene without processing a breakup is also incredibly common, and these apps are littered with people that are not over their exes and have unrealistic expectations from the outset. It drives so much of the bs behaviours you get online, ghosting, pickiness, commitmentphobia etc. From my reading, the OP spent about eight months single before venturing back out there, and his negative experiences may well be tied to not really being emotionally ready.

You really need to have a thick skin when you're dating, and you need to make sure you're really actually fully prepared to be vulnerable and emotionally involved with someone new. That's a big ask when you haven't given yourself time to heal from a relationship breakdown.

givyjoe

beertons wrote: »

Ditch the dating apps. Maybe join a cycling club, or hill walking.

I think he's looking for a different kind of ride to be fair!

Plopsu

grahambo wrote: »

I did not think of this. I'm an honest person so I wouldn't do this.
Online Dating is so strange and weird, it's beyond my level of understanding.

That's why I lasted about a month at it
The best I've heard anybody say is that it's a numbers game which is the polite way of saying ask every girl at the disco to dance and one of them might.
People talking about people they know going on hundreds of dates and being on apps for years. That's desperation. What you're exhibiting appears to be (very understandably) frustration.

Wibbs

grahambo wrote: »

I don't think so, I'm looking for someone my own age, similar interests, etc

Is that all? Jaysus, clearly you're a fussy bastard G.

Plopsu wrote: »

Remarkable how many people have defended the use of pictures that are so altered to the point where they're effectively no longer of the person posting them. In the real world, that's called lying. Doesn't matter how many people are doing it. It's lying. So, one of the first interactions with that person is them lying to you.

Well we could be here all day with a back and forth about how online presence often doesn't reflect offline reality. Then we'd be down the rabbit hole of makeup, Spanx, heels and hair dye . Is it "lying"? But yep I would take online photos and personas with a pinch of salt. Though the more carefully angled, dolled up and filtered are usually the giveaways. I don't get it myself. I get putting one's best face forward. We all do that, but deliberately lying with doctored pics, or lying about age, height, weight, kids or no, job? Are their egos so big they think that in the flesh the potential date will fall for them?

That lass I mentioned earlier who met the bloke who was ten years older and a few stones fatter than his pics and bio? According to her when she brought this up(and unlike me, she'd be the tactful sort) the guy had a neck as hard as a jockey's bollocks and just dismissed it and ploughed on thinking his winning personality would win the day. Needless to say, she didn't stick around.

Actually her profile when she was single was a bullshit free zone on that score. Didn't hide her age or any of that. Her pics were all within the previous year, year and a half and consisted of her in daytime in normal clothes mostly from when she was on holidays IIRC. I can't recall any tarted up in nightclubs on stilts heels, with a face like a constipated trout shots.

Plopsu

Wibbs wrote: »

Is it "lying"?

Yes.:p

Somebody wearing heels or makeup isn't pretending otherwise. Somebody posting a ten to fifteen year old picture of themselves to be viewed by people who have never seen them in reality is trying to mislead very deliberately.

Beta Ray Bill

Wibbs wrote: »

Is that all? Jaysus, clearly you're a fussy bastard G.

High standards me, ya know!?

Wibbs wrote: »

...
the guy had a neck as hard as a jockey's bollocks
...

Gas!


In relation to the Gym stuff
I've been going about 3 or 4 times a week the last year.

Recently (Last month) I've start training with a mate in the evening times too so now that's bumped up to at least 6 times a week.

I like the Gym, but I hate the Gym if you catch my drift

gk5000

Wibbs wrote: »

Yeah, a pill for every ill. Let's medicate normal human emotions. Daft IMHO. I would not go down this route G. Too many do. Going on anti depressants? ...

Don't want to derail onto this but, I did say "if needed" and to talk to a doctor.
The emotional trauma of a breakup can be such to mess with the internal wiring of the brain, and the quickest way to restore can be medical - for a short period.
In a perfect world, take some time and figure it out yourself - but do not linger too long in the depths, or waste too much time on it.
An imperfect pill now may be better than waiting for a perfect natural cure sometime in the future.

In any case, its no harm to see a doctor now - and then if needed in 6 months/ 1 year from now.

Wibbs

gk5000 wrote: »

Don't want to derail onto this but, I did say "if needed" and to talk to a doctor.

A "friendly GP". Unless they've had specific extra training, the average GP is not not qualified to make such a judgement to put someone on drugs that alter brain chemistry and can have bad side effects and sometime horrible withdrawals. Not after the average GP consultation that's under 30 minutes. There are few other such drugs the average GP would prescribe so easily and often, without referral up the chain of expertise. I wouldn't go near such meds without a referral to and a consultation with a psychiatrist. Y'know somebody fully qualified to make such a call. My anecdotal experience with friends and family is that these drugs are overprescribed and the British Medical Journal is also asking questions. The Lancet has too.

If G is finding his life is being actively negatively affected beyond the levels of the natural grief process(and yes such grief is natural), then yes getting some counselling would be a good idea. If that didn't pan out, then head for a psychiatrist. Skipping to the local GP for a "quick fix", not so much.

gk5000

Wibbs wrote: »

A "friendly GP". Unless they've had specific extra training, the average GP is not not qualified to make such a judgement to put someone on drugs that alter brain chemistry and can have bad side effects and sometime horrible withdrawals. Not after the average GP consultation that's under 30 minutes. There are few other such drugs the average GP would prescribe so easily and often, without referral up the chain of expertise. I wouldn't go near such meds without a referral to and a consultation with a psychiatrist. Y'know somebody fully qualified to make such a call. My anecdotal experience with friends and family is that these drugs are overprescribed and the British Medical Journal is also asking questions. The Lancet has too.

If G is finding his life is being actively negatively affected beyond the levels of the natural grief process(and yes such grief is natural), then yes getting some counselling would be a good idea. If that didn't pan out, then head for a psychiatrist. Skipping to the local GP for a "quick fix", not so much.

Go to the GP and see what they say - not necessarily a quick fix. They may refer to a more qualified GP, monitor for a while themselves or refer to appropriate counseling rather that trying to find someone yourself - or just reassure that you are doing grand.

The GP probably has more experience of this that you or me, and it may be worth listening to a professional as well as people on the web. They are not going to force him to do anything so he can still make up his own mind.
Besides I don't think you can walk into a psychiatrist but must be referred by a GP.

gk5000

gk5000 wrote: »

Besides I don't think you can walk into a psychiatrist but must be referred by a GP.

A psychiatrist needs a referral (unless you go full private which can be expensive). Counselling doesn't.

I actually highly recommend counselling to everyone regardless of the state of their lives. I had sessions a few years back and it was a massive release of issues & stress I wasn't even aware of. It's not intrusive, like a psychiatrist can be. More natural and comfortable.

Dravokivich

Unless someone gives you reasons, your hurdles in the OP are blind speculation.

I'm a single father myself, mid 30s and dating has been rather limited. But that's been mainly down to me. I genuinely don't have the time to focus on getting to know someone. So I just don't.

If you intend to pursue something for personal development. You've to do it for yourself really. Otherwise putting that work in, focused on hoping to pull some interest, is just going to seem like what's the point in investing in yourself, if you don't get the results you desired.

Purple Mountain

Could you find a friend with benefits in the interim to quench your needs?

One eyed Jack

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A psychiatrist needs a referral (unless you go full private which can be expensive). Counselling doesn't.

I actually highly recommend counselling to everyone regardless of the state of their lives. I had sessions a few years back and it was a massive release of issues & stress I wasn't even aware of. It's not intrusive, like a psychiatrist can be. More natural and comfortable.

Meeeeh, I’d say that depends klaz tbh. I mean, I didn’t want to be saying too much about the whole meds thing and the counselling and GP’s and stuff because I’ve experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly, really ugly. I’d definitely never actively discourage someone from seeking support, but the kind of support they get can vary wildly, from the permissive GP overprescribing, to the counsellor who tries to introduce a non-religious person to the bible. I know in the UK for example the demand for CBT is so high that they’re considering offering qualifications like it’s the EDCL! I absolutely disagree with the impression of any “quick fix” methods I was getting off gk5000’s posts too though. I’d say it can be intrusive, and it can feel like it’s intrusive, but if a person is incredibly lucky and they meet the right counsellor for them, then absolutely of course it’s beneficial.

I guess in a way it’s like me suggesting earlier that it wouldn’t be a bad idea for anyone going to their GP (not even specifically graham), because I guess I got lucky that I have a great relationship with my GP that I know I can talk to him about anything on my mind. I know he’s not just going to write out a script and send me off to the chemist, it’s just not his first port of call. I’d had insomnia for years and I was prescribed sleeping pills, was the last thing I wanted, and I never felt right waking up in the morning like I’d had a caffeine IV hooked into me while I slept. They work exactly as a quick fix, but jesus they’re weird! I didn’t like them at all so we worked on much longer term strategies, and now I’m much better able to sleep, not there yet (see my earlier rather lengthy post, sorry about that, where I mentioned about being unable to switch my brain off, sometimes I can, and the relief! ), but getting there. That’s just one of the milder examples. I don’t want to be scaremongering anyone either.

I’m just wary of suggesting that there might be any kind of a quick fix for graham, for anyone really, there just isn’t any quick fix, there’s no pills, there’s plenty of wishful thinking that natural human emotions and desires could be quelled with medication, it’s a lot cleaner than some coping mechanisms, but that’s why I didn’t have any individual advice either. What one person may find useful, it may or may not be helpful for someone else, and that applies to counselling too, and it does come down to individual counsellors and the persons relationship with their counsellor and whether that’s even a healthy relationship or not.

Oh, I wasn't suggesting anything like a quick fix. It's taken me essentially 20 years of self-improvement through extensive reading, periods of counselling, a NLP certification, LSD under guided circumstances, some shamanistic sessions, a lot of travelling, Dream journals, thought journals....

Self-improvement takes effort. As for the counselling, agreed, it depends on who meet and the "manner" in which they learned their profession. Attitude is incredibly different/varied among such 'professionals'

WarpAsylum

Deleted User wrote: »

Self-improvement takes effort. As for the counselling, agreed, it depends on who meet and the "manner" in which they learned their profession. Attitude is incredibly different/varied among such 'professionals'

Luckily the profession of counselling is finally being regulated. After which, the titles of "counsellor" and "psychotherapist" will be protected. As a psychotherapist myself, I welcome this. Hopefully it will weed out the majority of the quacks.

WarpAsylum

1 year is not a lot after 9 years and having been ripped off to boot.

I'd echo a lot of the good advice that's been given here.

My advice though, is stay off the dating sites. They "work" for some people, but for others, they're cancer! I'd have had many of the same experiences as yourself on them.
You might get a small ego boost at times, but it's not real. Or you'll end up feeling **** about yourself, and that's not real either...but it has a tendency to stick harder and longer than the ego boost.

Take some time for yourself. Get to know yourself again. Allow yourself to feel like ****. A ****ty thing happened to you. But like everything, it will pass.

Focus on spending time with your mates. Head out with the lads, have the craic, try to get the leg over.
Leave the idea of another relationship to the side.

Malayalam

Do not go near anyone who could medicalise your 'problem'. You do not have a problem - you have life. Stay away from the tablets. I know loads of people say they have gotten benefits from them, but I see otherwise. All the time. Changing doses, changing types, adding extras for side effects....just don't go there at all. You are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you at all, or at least nothing that a bit of love wouldn't fix.

I'm married so I haven't dated in decades. But 2 things I do know..

#1 You will only meet people if you are actually out among people.

Nobody is going to knock on your door. Join everything and then leave all the things that show no promise and join some more things. Keep doing this. Be in the marketplace (not online). Be on the pitch. If you could I would say take time out and travel abroad - casual backpacking on the ground stuff. But it might not be possible with your child right now.

#2 It takes a microsecond to read all the stuff behind people's eyes. Instinctive and unconscious, it cannot be bypassed. And judgement follows helplessly afterwards - sorry about that. I hate it from my side too, the intimacy of it can be very discomfiting.

It's done in a flash, so get really tough on the needy part of yourself and cut it at the roots. You are not going to explode from lack of sex or even lack of love - there is nothing wrong with you - you don't NEED to be fixed, you don't NEED anything. I don't know if I am particularly sensitive but I presume a lot of women have the same thing - I can tell in one glance what is going on inside a person who is in front of me. I get hit on not infrequently for an oul wan (ish)- looks like casual conversation, looks like joking about, but the motive, the testing of the waters, the erotic ''need'' might as well be written with black marker on their foreheads. It jumps out instantly. And it evokes the opposite of interest, I'm afraid, and please don't judge women for that - it evokes pity, maternal empathy, compassion - never eros, even if the guy is handsome - and if the suppressed need is strong it even evokes contempt and an inclination to recoil (SORRY!!! Really really sorry).

Emotional and intellectual independence, self-sufficiency, self-confidence that is rooted in truly liking yourself, being really comfortable in your own skin, engaging in activities that you love that utterly consume the neurotic part of you - all that roots out the needy stuff.

Be brave. Be wise and warm and human.

Good luck!!

stratowide

Malayalam wrote: »

Do not go near anyone who could medicalise your 'problem'. You do not have a problem - you have life. Stay away from the tablets. I know loads of people say they have gotten benefits from them, but I see otherwise. All the time. Changing doses, changing types, adding extras for side effects....just don't go there at all. You are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you at all, or at least nothing that a bit of love wouldn't fix.

I'm married so I haven't dated in decades. But 2 things I do know..

#1 You will only meet people if you are actually out among people.

Nobody is going to knock on your door. Join everything and then leave all the things that show no promise and join some more things. Keep doing this. Be in the marketplace (not online). Be on the pitch. If you could I would say take time out and travel abroad - casual backpacking on the ground stuff. But it might not be possible with your child right now.

#2 It takes a microsecond to read all the stuff behind people's eyes. Instinctive and unconscious, it cannot be bypassed. And judgement follows helplessly afterwards - sorry about that. I hate it from my side too, the intimacy of it can be very discomfiting.

It's done in a flash, so get really tough on the needy part of yourself and cut it at the roots. You are not going to explode from lack of sex or even lack of love - there is nothing wrong with you - you don't NEED to be fixed, you don't NEED anything. I don't know if I am particularly sensitive but I presume a lot of women have the same thing - I can tell in one glance what is going on inside a person who is in front of me. I get hit on not infrequently for an oul wan (ish)- looks like casual conversation, looks like joking about, but the motive, the testing of the waters, the erotic ''need'' might as well be written with black marker on their foreheads. It jumps out instantly. And it evokes the opposite of interest, I'm afraid, and please don't judge women for that - it evokes pity, maternal empathy, compassion - never eros, even if the guy is handsome - and if the suppressed need is strong it even evokes contempt and an inclination to recoil (SORRY!!! Really really sorry).

Emotional and intellectual independence, self-sufficiency, self-confidence that is rooted in truly liking yourself, being really comfortable in your own skin, engaging in activities that you love that utterly consume the neurotic part of you - all that roots out the needy stuff.

Be brave. Be wise and warm and human.

Good luck!!

Some very good advice there.Best post I've read here.

"What you have is a problem called life"..Well said.

Malayalam

stratowide wrote: »

Some very good advice there.Best post I've read here.

"What you have is a problem called life"..Well said.

I thought your post was the best actually Much less waffle!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

What I'm getting from your posts is hurt and loneliness, I was thinking from the earlier posts that it was probably more a case of wanting a woman's company than wanting the ride.

The cruel of irony of loneliness is that it repels people, the want and intensity puts people off because there's immediately this pressure on the relationship, whether it's a romantic relationship or just a friendship or acquaintance. And the people who are oblivious to it are not people you want to be involved with, they're probably going to be very self-centred, focused on what they're going to get off you and not considering what you're going to want or need from them.

You're not very far out from a very sh1t life event, take a bit more time, I think, before you start dating. Just going on what's here I don't think you're in the right frame of mind. Absolutely stay away from online dating.

How's your social circle in general? Going to the gym is great, especially if you're training with people, is there a way you can make one of the nights more social, a class or something?

Is there anything non exercise related you've wanted to do or learn? Could you swap one of the gym nights for something else, there are loads of night classes starting this time of year, languages, computer stuff, film clubs, fcuking pottery and sh1t. Not the worst way to get a bit of facetime with some women either...

"Get counselling" is advice given so much as to be meaningless, but is a bit of talk therapy something you'd consider? Crap as the end of the relationship undoubtedly was, it does start a new chapter in your life, free up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth, give you a bit more freedom. Talking over all this and processing it could be very worthwhile; if your head's going to "what about anaphrodisiacs", an informed, impartial, confidential outside perspective probably isn't the worst idea.

All the best.

santana75

Op I think you're focusing on the wrong things here. I understand you have urges and desires, which is normal but what about using that energy for something creative. I see this all the time, people thinking they need a girlfriend/boyfriend, when really what they're looking for is meaning in their life. To have a purpose. If you find what is that you absolutely have to accomplish in this world, then you'll find that the need for a relationship subsides a great deal. Its like some people will try to replace their purpose in life with a person and make them the centre of attention, which is a disaster. Put your lifes mission first and when you do that people will come to you, without you chasing or even partaking in the whole dating scene at all. Forget the dating apps, the bars and clubs and look at yourself and your life and try to find out what it is youre here to do. Everything else falls into place around that.

Cocobeans101

I’m sorry I can’t help with the dating aspect but I wanted to say, I think you seem like a really nice guy. I think your confidence has taken an almighty hit. If I were you, I’d take some dedicated time off dating and get happy in my skin again. Maybe talking to someone will help. As a man, 35 is not old, you have lots of time to meet someone.

Chat to your GP but not for any odd drugs, maybe some counselling or possibly some anti-depressants. I would cheated once on and it shakes you to your core.
.


And fair play to you for skipping on hookers, nothing you mentioned would be a deal breaker for me but that would be.


Good luck

the purple tin

Aranza Incalculable Raceway wrote: »

What I'm getting from your posts is hurt and loneliness, I was thinking from the earlier posts that it was probably more a case of wanting a woman's company than wanting the ride.

The cruel of irony of loneliness is that it repels people, the want and intensity puts people off because there's immediately this pressure on the relationship, whether it's a romantic relationship or just a friendship or acquaintance. And the people who are oblivious to it are not people you want to be involved with, they're probably going to be very self-centred, focused on what they're going to get off you and not considering what you're going to want or need from them.

You're not very far out from a very sh1t life event, take a bit more time, I think, before you start dating. Just going on what's here I don't think you're in the right frame of mind. Absolutely stay away from online dating.

How's your social circle in general? Going to the gym is great, especially if you're training with people, is there a way you can make one of the nights more social, a class or something?

Is there anything non exercise related you've wanted to do or learn? Could you swap one of the gym nights for something else, there are loads of night classes starting this time of year, languages, computer stuff, film clubs, fcuking pottery and sh1t. Not the worst way to get a bit of facetime with some women either...

"Get counselling" is advice given so much as to be meaningless, but is a bit of talk therapy something you'd consider? Crap as the end of the relationship undoubtedly was, it does start a new chapter in your life, free up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth, give you a bit more freedom. Talking over all this and processing it could be very worthwhile; if your head's going to "what about anaphrodisiacs", an informed, impartial, confidential outside perspective probably isn't the worst idea.

All the best.

A dance class, tango or something like that. It will be mostly women, a much more relaxed environment to strike up conversation with them than in pubs and clubs, good exercise, and a lot of ladies go absolutely ga ga for a man who knows how to dance.

Avatar MIA

the purple tin wrote: »

A dance class, tango or something like that. It will be mostly women, a much more relaxed environment to strike up conversation with them than in pubs and clubs, good exercise, and a lot of ladies go absolutely ga ga for a man who knows how to dance.

What would be the typical age profile of these ga ga women? Would they not be of the older persuassion?

the purple tin

the purple tin wrote: »

A dance class, tango or something like that. It will be mostly women, a much more relaxed environment to strike up conversation with them than in pubs and clubs, good exercise, and a lot of ladies go absolutely ga ga for a man who knows how to dance.

Salsa is a better starting point before learning tango even though the initial step sequence is the opposite. Still, you can gain a lot of confidence from twirling your partner around the place before the more intensive Tango is learned. Salsa tends to be more popular having more classes around. I also prefer salsa since it's emphasis is about being positive, and the energetic nature of the dance, makes it difficult to dwell on issues. Tango is good fun, but a bit more advanced. I also highly recommend Ballroom dancing, which is just awesome, and a wonderful skill to have for dating/relationships.

TBH though I'd recommend also doing Yoga classes. It's a great way to make female friends, and give you a better focus in life. I've found it useful to have the energetic aspect of Salsa, and the more calm aspect of Yoga. Worked wonders for me, since I'm not a gym kinda guy.

Avatar MIA

Avatar MIA wrote: »

What would be the typical age profile of these ga ga women? Would they not be of the older persuassion?

You get a lot of female 'professionals' who had no time for dating/relationships when they were younger... but yes, mostly 'older' women. Great fun though regardless.

I wouldn't recommend it for dating though. Do it for the enjoyment that dancing brings. You might get lucky, but... it's better not to piss in your back garden, and a dancing community tends to be rather small, with gossip flowing rapidly. Still, I've made many female friends there, who, in turn, tried setting me up with their friends.

At the end of the day though, don't make any activity about meeting women. Your desperation/interest will be smelt a mile away. People who enjoy the activity, for themselves, are far more attractive.

Wibbs

Malayalam wrote: »

Do not go near anyone who could medicalise your 'problem'. You do not have a problem - you have life. Stay away from the tablets. I know loads of people say they have gotten benefits from them, but I see otherwise. All the time. Changing doses, changing types, adding extras for side effects....just don't go there at all. You are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you at all, or at least nothing that a bit of love wouldn't fix.

+1000 The near relentless pushing of pills and shrinks as The Answer™ these days for what is as you say a small dose of Life does my bloody head in TBH. Almost a hypochondria to it. A psychochondria© Wibbs. as it were.

#1 You will only meet people if you are actually out among people.

As my Da used to say when we'd go fishing, you can't catch fish with your bait in the boat.

#2 It takes a microsecond to read all the stuff behind people's eyes. Instinctive and unconscious, it cannot be bypassed. And judgement follows helplessly afterwards - sorry about that. I hate it from my side too, the intimacy of it can be very discomfiting.

Yep that's generally true alright, though people, especially women I've found are often overconfident of and over reliant on their people reading skills(and the veracity of their "Gut"). But even the half blind can spot desperation a long way off. You'll often hear guys note that when they have a girlfriend they get more attention from other women regardless if she's around or not. This IMHO is down to two things*: 1) they simply notice it more because they're not focussed on getting the leg over. Men can be extremely dumb noticing attraction signs from women**, especially with their mickey in the way. 2) they're not focussed on getting the leg over, so zero desperation going on and people in general pick this up. Like electro~bitch noted, loneliness can have a cruel irony because it generally repels people, increasing the sense of loneliness, increasing the distance from people.






*there can be a third, namely a woman has decided you're worth going out with and you're less likely to be a complete weirdo, or serial killer.

** my pet theory on this is that it evolved that way over time to filter out socially and emotionally immature men and select for men who are socially aware.

Malayalam

Wibbs wrote: »

Yep that's generally true alright, though people, especially women I've found are often overconfident of and over reliant on their people reading skills(and the veracity of their "Gut").

Heh, yeah, himself fairly regularly tells me I'm not right every bloody time I prophesy.... but.... hmmmm, I don't know about that :pac:

But anyways yeah the desperation or ''need'' part is plain as the nose etc.

Desire, however, is a different ball game, so to speak, a subtler and attractive force. I think that distinction should be made so that men don't suppress it.
I would wind myself up in knots now trying to sift out the nuances there though...I guess fundamentally desire comes from a place of strong inner health, whereas need does not. (?)

the purple tin

Avatar MIA wrote: »

What would be the typical age profile of these ga ga women? Would they not be of the older persuassion?

All ages I suppose. You would have fans of Fame, Flashdance and Dirty Dancing all the way up to those recent teen dancing films where people were always having dance-offs and getting 'served'.
The bottom line is that a lot of women love to dance, and if you can dance with them decently, that's a big plus for you.

ancapailldorcha

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000 The near relentless pushing of pills and shrinks as The Answer™ these days for what is as you say a small dose of Life does my bloody head in TBH. Almost a hypochondria to it. A psychochondria© Wibbs. as it were.

I'm unfortunately inclined to think that this is likely to worsen, not improve. Once AI chatbots get better, you'll have people spilling their guts to them over every tiny little thing.

Wibbs wrote: »

Yep that's generally true alright, though people, especially women I've found are often overconfident of and over reliant on their people reading skills(and the veracity of their "Gut"). But even the half blind can spot desperation a long way off. You'll often hear guys note that when they have a girlfriend they get more attention from other women regardless if she's around or not. This IMHO is down to two things*: 1) they simply notice it more because they're not focussed on getting the leg over. Men can be extremely dumb noticing attraction signs from women**, especially with their mickey in the way. 2) they're not focussed on getting the leg over, so zero desperation going on and people in general pick this up. Like electro~bitch noted, loneliness can have a cruel irony because it generally repels people, increasing the sense of loneliness, increasing the distance from people.

*there can be a third, namely a woman has decided you're worth going out with and you're less likely to be a complete weirdo, or serial killer.

** my pet theory on this is that it evolved that way over time to filter out socially and emotionally immature men and select for men who are socially aware.

+1,000.

When I think of some things I missed when younger. But yeah, seems to be something of a vicious cycle going on in this regard alright.

Pug160

The most concerning part of that post is when you mention anaphrodisiac drugs. That wouldn't even be a word in most people's vocabulary. I can definitely empathise with your state of mind though as I had similar feelings a long time ago. You most certainly do not want to be going down that road. If anything you should do everything you can to boost your testosterone and overall health, which will combine well with the working out that you're doing. As for improving your appearance: only you can decide how you spend your money. Some people use hair products and treatments and even go for transplants. For me personally, I thought long and hard about it and decided that my money would be better spent on really good dental work. The technology isn't quite there with hair loss treatments.

I do agree with some of the other posters about the overvaluation of drugs and therapists etc. But something like cognitive behavioural therapy can be a good aid in addition to other things. I only went a handful of times and found it helpful, even if the advice was very similar to good advice you'd get anywhere. A good psychologist who is easy to speak with can help to steer you onto the right track. Neuroticism can be very destructive. It's simply a case of thinking in a more outward manner, which is easier said than done but everyone can improve. The dating game can be a bit frustrating at times, even for the best of people. If you're not outgoing you're told to go out of your comfort zone bit by bit. But if it's bars and clubs then you need to be doing it a lot, which isn't ideal by any means. It's possible that women are, broadly speaking, valued a little bit too highly, especially in this part of the world where a woman only has to be in decent shape and she already stands out for that reason alone. Ultimately it doesn't actually matter, as you'll eventually meet people who like you if you have at least one or two qualities. Whatever you do, do not take anything to decrease your sex drive.

One eyed Jack

Pug160 wrote: »

But something like cognitive behavioural therapy can be a good aid in addition to other things. I only went a handful of times and found it helpful, even if the advice was very similar to good advice you'd get anywhere. A good psychologist who is easy to speak with can help to steer you onto the right track.

There’s two schools of thought on CBT, and like I said earlier I would never actually actively discourage someone from seeking support, but I think the more important part of your post is just the bit in bold there. It’s an article I read a few years back, but the author is none too shabby when it comes to this stuff -

A quick fix for the soul

It's possible that women are, broadly speaking, valued a little bit too highly, especially in this part of the world where a woman only has to be in decent shape and she already stands out for that reason alone.

Valued too highly? And valued too highly by whom? I’m just trying to make sense of what you’re saying there because you’re broadly speaking that women are valued too highly, and then you’re pointing out that if a woman is in decent shape, she stands out. I kinda get where you’re coming from, but I think it should be obvious that if a woman stands out, they stand out because of their higher value to the observer than other women?

I just don’t think that’s exclusive to women, certainly not if there are all sorts of suggestions that anyone needs to improve their physical appearance if they are to appear at least physically attractive to the opposite sex. For example just in work today, I was asking one of the girls for dieting advice and losing weight and exercise and the whole lot, and she was surprised when I told her how old I was because she had thought I was ten years younger just going on my appearance. I didn’t say it to her but I thought to myself “It’s hard to have wrinkles when you’ve a face that’s puffed out like a bad Botox job!” :pac:

One eyed Jack

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Valued too highly? And valued too highly by whom? I’m just trying to make sense of what you’re saying there because you’re broadly speaking that women are valued too highly, and then you’re pointing out that if a woman is in decent shape, she stands out. I kinda get where you’re coming from, but I think it should be obvious that if a woman stands out, they stand out because they’re of higher value to the observer than other women?

I just don’t think that’s exclusive to women, certainly not if there are all sorts of suggestions that anyone needs to improve their physical appearance if they are to appear at least physically attractive to the opposite sex. For example just in work today, I was asking one of the girls for dieting advice and losing weight and exercise and the whole lot, and she was surprised when I told her how old I was because she had thought I was ten years younger just going on my appearance. I didn’t say it to her but I thought to myself “It’s hard to have wrinkles when you’ve a face that’s puffed out like a bad Botox job!” :pac:

I'm not disagreeing with what you said... exactly..

I think it's more to do with the bar/club scene where often there is a greater proportion of males to females, and the females consider themselves to be of greater value (appearance usually). It's one of those scarcity mentalities that seem to be common in Western countries. I really don't know the reason. You'll find similar in other non-western countries, but the numbers seem far less in comparison to the "average" female also at the same venue. And while the difference in male/female ratio is similar, I don't tend to find the same common feeling that women perceive themselves as they would in the West.

I've been "single" most of my life with a few short ish relationships (under 3 years), and I've been dating most of the remainder (apart from periods when I'm sick of how superficial it all is). I'm a club goer, more because I enjoy dancing, than any real interest in the women, since I've found clubs don't work on personality/conversation, but more to do with appearance (and the impression of wealth/power). [Hence the superficial aspect of it all]

Bars are a very different scene depending on the type of venue and it's intended clientele. I do tend to avoid Irish bars because they're not aimed directly at dating, but more of a group vibe thing.. which can be very hard to break into which prevents any real regular confidence in doing so.

TBH I would recommend those interested in dating to avoid both the bar/club scene, because they've changed over the last few years. There's more of a desperate air to those engaged in dating, with a emphasis on ons rather than dating. Along with a lot of social proofing by rejecting guys (I've known it to happen to a mate of mine who is a very charismatic Spanish lingerie model... rejected loudly by the group)

If you're interested in meeting someone for dating, do so through an activity that you enjoy. (no, not drinking, since drinking causes other problems in a social setting). A common activity that you both enjoy will give you miles of conversation and reasons to meet again. Whereas physical/sexual attraction tends to have a shelf-life of about 2-3 weeks without there being a greater reason to be together.

Wibbs

Malayalam wrote: »

Heh, yeah, himself fairly regularly tells me I'm not right every bloody time I prophesy.... but.... hmmmm, I don't know about that :pac:

I guess fundamentally desire comes from a place of strong inner health, whereas need does not. (?)

My desire tends to come from a place of strong outer *censored*. But yeah, that would be a fair distinction alright. Kinda like food... The starving man will be desperate and will go for anything put on a plate in front of him, the well fed man with choice will be particular about what he wants to eat and will pass if it's not on the menu. As it were.

That's one reason why I reckoned "lowering one's standards" suggested earlier is bad, as outside of being morally dodgy it shows a man with little choice. Major turn off IMHO, and again smacks of desperation. Everyone, man or woman, likes to feel their partner is someone attractive to other people and has/had choice before they picked them.

Another problem with "lowering standards" is generally speaking people have a fair handle on how attractive(looks, social group/position etc) they are in the grand scheme of things. If a man(or woman) picks someone "below" them the other person knows this to some degree, or will come to realise it. Differences in attractiveness in a couple rarely work. Lots of studies have shown time and time again that (and I hate to use a "scale) that "5's" tend overwhelmingly to end up with "5's", "8's" with "8's" and so on. To the degree that one study method was to take pics of couples and separate out the pics of the men and women and get the opposite sex to rate them on physical attractiveness. Sure enough in the majority of cases they were able to spot the couples who matched. The only outliers tended to be men with more "social power", IE things like wealth/fame/social standing, social skills could date "up". They were the outliers though. There's a reason someone like Mick Jagger is still swapping out girlfriends 40 and more years younger than him and fathering kids with a couple in his 70's and it's nada to do with his looks.

If someone(particularly blokes) wants to know their own "level". Look to exes, your "level" is an average of them. Hard to be objective though as a lot of men think their partners, even exes are "out of their league". If you talk to male horndogs/players/man sluts that's something they rarely come out with. I wouldn't suggest any man turn into one of them, but maybe take a little of that part on board.

trik

TheBoyConor wrote: »

My tinder and bumble profile actually has a tongue in cheek blurb about how I'm aimless in life with no plans or ambitions, that I have alcohol issues and a violent temper and promising to treat a woman like **** and asking them to please form an orderly queue.

It works. I've gotten loads of messages about it and asked a few of those contacts on a date but most I've just ignored or ghosted after some brief messaging.

When do you turn 16?

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

If someone(particularly blokes) wants to know their own "level". Look to exes, your "level" is an average of them. Hard to be objective though as a lot of men think their partners, even exes are "out of their league". If you talk to male horndogs/players/man sluts that's something they rarely come out with. I wouldn't suggest any man turn into one of them, but maybe take a little of that part on board.

Because any kind of serious "player" can't place a woman higher than his/her (yes, there are female players) own image of himself. Otherwise, he cannot justify the **** he does to other people in the cause of being "loved".

As for my own exes... one is a stripper, another a multi-millionaire heiress, and another an English teacher. All Asian, and at least ten years younger than me. And nobody is out of my league, because I am wonderful. It's just that too many people are too superficial to appreciate me and their lives are shadows of misery because of it. [Nope, I'm not a player. Tried it once for a few months, and it's not me. I gave up lying to myself years ago]

I have a lot of "player" friends from my Speed Seduction days. They're a different breed. Thankfully. Followed by a lot of pathetic people with dodgier priorities.

Avatar MIA

trik wrote: »

Nah, he just keeps his phone in his pocket.

Wibbs

trik wrote: »

When do you turn 16?

He was joking. That was the point he was making.

Deleted User wrote: »

Because any kind of serious "player" can't place a woman higher than his/her (yes, there are female players) own image of himself. Otherwise, he cannot justify the **** he does to other people in the cause of being "loved".

Certainly there is that K, but I just mentioned it as such "players" at least the successful ones are doing a couple of things to be "successful". Outside of looks too. A couple of consistent traits pop up: Looks vary, though some get that way by being better looking than average. Social confidence(oft to a near pathological degree) and social awareness above average are a near given. They feel and act like they have choice. That it's not about just one woman they obsessively focus on. Though I have found with most male players, in their background is that One™ and after that goes south they get cynical. Regardless they come across as relaxed about the whole thing to the point of DGAF.

Like I say a little of that in the mix can be a good thing for guys who have usually operated in the mindset that Women™ are rare and if they find one it's a fluke. Women are 50% of the population. They have the same hopes and fears and needs(shocker).

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

He was joking. That was the point he was making.

Certainly there is that K, but I just mentioned it as such "players" at least the successful ones are doing a couple of things to be "successful". Outside of looks too. A couple of consistent traits pop up: Looks vary, though some get that way by being better looking than average.

TBH look are over-rated when it comes to men. It's used as an excuse by guys who aren't terribly successful as a way of passing responsibility. I've done it myself in the past. The truth is that looks (natural facial/body appearance) do play a part in it (since some women are very zoned in on the appearance of things) but it's secondary to other factors which are more important.

I'd actually put fashion sense and that almost unconscious ability to wear their clothes with their body type. I've known skinny guys who look incredible in a suit, just as much I've known the muscular guys who look like chumps in their surfing shorts. There is an art to choosing your appearance in terms of clothes, facial hair, hair styles, etc to match with your chosen target audience... and there is a target audience, since you can't cater to everyone.

This is where the bling or accessories trend came into the PUA scene although they're focused on props since they never learn anything beyond them to gain any actual natural appeal or self-confidence.

Social confidence(oft to a near pathological degree) and social awareness above average are a near given. They feel and act like they have choice. That it's not about just one woman they obsessively focus on. Though I have found with most male players, in their background is that One™ and after that goes south they get cynical. Regardless they come across as relaxed about the whole thing to the point of DGAF.

True enough... although I'd say its more to do with faking it initially... If you tell yourself something enough, you'll eventually start to believe it, especially when you see other people buy into it. Players are con-artists. The con themselves and others all the time, until it becomes as natural to them as any other personality.

As for the DGAF, that comes with the land of plenty. Scarcity mentalities give you the notion that you need to latch on to someone amazing... whereas, in the land of plenty, there is always another amazing around that corner. The secret is not staying with them long enough for them to become normal aka boring. The adventure remains, but awareness of it's expiry date is known... and then move on.

Like I say a little of that in the mix can be a good thing for guys who have usually operated in the mindset that Women™ are rare and if they find one it's a fluke. Women are 50% of the population. They have the same hopes and fears and needs(shocker).

Experience is everything. At 30 I was essentially a Virgin (although I wasn't physically). By 40, I'd slept with more women than all my close friends combined. I've had my crushes, my hangups, my pathetic breakups and the anger at being cheated on... and most of that happened in my years before 32. Experience taught me not to care so much, and to understand what is important when with someone as opposed to creating a fantasy that never lived up to reality. Something I've noticed a lot of guys doing pre-dating, during the intial dating period, and then rush into a relationship becoming bitter the girl didn't match expectations.

Still, in my experience from dating or from friendships women tend to be more insecure overall. They don't need to do the approaches or the initiation for dating, so those insecurities aren't shown whereas the male ones are. Their confidence in dating is often reactive rather than based on taking the initiative. But I would agree that both men and women share a lot of negative behaviors, and introspection is often one of the worst, since it's rarely an honest endeavor.

Pug160

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Valued too highly? And valued too highly by whom? I’m just trying to make sense of what you’re saying there because you’re broadly speaking that women are valued too highly, and then you’re pointing out that if a woman is in decent shape, she stands out. I kinda get where you’re coming from, but I think it should be obvious that if a woman stands out, they stand out because of their higher value to the observer than other women?

I just don’t think that’s exclusive to women, certainly not if there are all sorts of suggestions that anyone needs to improve their physical appearance if they are to appear at least physically attractive to the opposite sex. For example just in work today, I was asking one of the girls for dieting advice and losing weight and exercise and the whole lot, and she was surprised when I told her how old I was because she had thought I was ten years younger just going on my appearance. I didn’t say it to her but I thought to myself “It’s hard to have wrinkles when you’ve a face that’s puffed out like a bad Botox job!” :pac:

I think women who are in decent physical shape are valued more than men in decent physical shape, sure. Maybe not so much in Continental Europe and other parts of the world, but in Ireland and the UK they are. Value as in sexual market place value or whatever you want to call it. Not that I think there are huge differences here compared to other parts of the world, but there do appear to be at the very least some subtle differences. It's presumably because there are less people here who look after themselves. This includes men. But men, specifically young men, are still more likely to go to the gym or work out in some way. Perhaps it's somewhat polarised as there are a lot of men who are overweight as well. But it seems to me that a man in reasonble shape is seen as normal, whereas a woman even in half decent shape is more noticeable.

Let's be clear here: I'm in the ''most couples are roughly equal'' camp, so I'm not trying to distort reality. But I do think there is a slight difference over here where there is a greater percentage of men who are in better shape than their partners and who are slightly better looking in general. It's very difficult to get hard statistics on this of course but it's something that seems somewhat obvious to me. Let me also say here, that I didn't really want to talk about this. I replied because I was alarmed at the initial post. I don't have any axe to grind as those days have long gone. We have a man talking about suppressing his sex drive here. That was my main motivation for responding. But yeah, I do think there are differences.

One eyed Jack

Pug160 wrote: »

I think women who are in decent physical shape are valued more than men in decent physical shape, sure. Maybe not so much in Continental Europe and other parts of the world, but in Ireland and the UK they are. Value as in sexual market place value or whatever you want to call it. Not that I think there are huge differences here compared to other parts of the world, but there do appear to be at the very least some subtle differences. It's presumably because there are less people here who look after themselves. This includes men. But men, specifically young men, are still more likely to go to the gym or work out in some way. Perhaps it's somewhat polarised as there are a lot of men who are overweight as well. But it seems to me that a man in reasonble shape is seen as normal, whereas a woman even in half decent shape is more noticeable.

Let's be clear here: I'm in the ''most couples are roughly equal'' camp, so I'm not trying to distort reality. But I do think there is a slight difference over here where there is a greater percentage of men who are in better shape than their partners and who are slightly better looking in general. It's very difficult to get hard statistics on this of course but it's something that seems somewhat obvious to me. Let me also say here, that I didn't really want to talk about this. I replied because I was alarmed at the initial post. I don't have any axe to grind as those days have long gone. We have a man talking about suppressing his sex drive here. That was my main motivation for responding. But yeah, I do think there are differences.

Difficult? I’d suggest it was impossible to get any sort of figures for it that could even possibly be regarded as objective in any sense, let alone stand up to even the slightest critical scrutiny. I absolutely get where you’re coming from, but it’s entirely subjective. That’s not your eyes doing the work at all, it’s entirely your brain, and unless you’re bisexual, you’re not going to be regarding men and women in the same way in terms of any measure of attraction, whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional or even intellectual, so the fives with fives and the sevens with sevens stuff? Not something I’ve ever bought into.

Even when you say there are less people here who look after themselves, as opposed to where, Continental Europe and other parts of the world? Have you accounted for the fact that you’re an outsider viewing a very small slice of any other culture or given society? I would suggest there are an equally representative proportion of people in other countries who just the same as people in Ireland, don’t look after themselves. At least whatever we may say about either Irish women or Irish men, we don’t often get the extremes of either emaciaton or obesity as we would in observing other cultures and societies.

I know you’re not trying to distort reality, but it’s still an entirely subjective reality where your brain is still doing all the legwork and processing so to speak, and your eyes are just the lens. You have five senses to calibrate reality, we’ve only talked about one, a reality based entirely on what’s immediately visual. In that context then, a man in reasonable shape I’d agree with you is seen as normal, nothing noticeable there, and in the same way a woman in reasonable shape would be normal, whereas either a man or a woman in decent shape, is of course going to be more noticeable. They’re only noticeable because they’re in decent shape as opposed to others around them who appear to be normal. The same would be true of anyone at either end of the scales, or visual spectrum - they stand out because you perceive them to be unusual in some way. If you’re used to seeing middle aged men with middle aged spread, then someone of that age wearing skinny jeans that would make Rudolf Nureyev wince is going to stand out, by a county mile! Whether that’s a good thing or not depends entirely on your own very subjective perspective.

I absolutely agree with you though that a man even attempting to suppress his libido isn’t a good thing, it’s not healthy. I’m kinda reminded of those #nofap twats on Reddit from a while back that gave it welly with what they perceived was some bastardised version of Buddhism or whatever. I don’t think that’s where graham is coming from though so I wouldn’t be too worried. I kinda read it as more an expression of he’ll do anything at this stage not to feel as frustrated as he does now. It’s completely understandable of course, but it’s entirely unrealistic to presume that any psychiatrist would prescribe something to reduce a man’s libido because it’s skyrocketing due to a number of factors. Far more likely he’d be told straight out there’s no practicing psychiatrist is so ethically dubious that they would induce chemically convenient amnesia, let alone voluntary chemical castration.

As far as the online dating goes and lads complaining that other lads get more lilies and attention from the ladies than they do, stuff like tinder and bumble is the equivalent of going into the lads jax and squeezing in at the urinal between two lads and engaging in a dick measuring contest. It appears to me at least that the lads ain’t there for the ladies, they’re there to compete against each other for the attention of the ladies. And women are just as bad, but at least they go in separate cubicles.

zcorpian88

grahambo wrote: »

2: The standards women have are unrealistically high - they are looking for a Lad with an amazing Job (+€100,000 P/A), Handsome (Brad Pitt/George Clooney), Amazing body (David Beckham) and still have time for a deep emotional connection with them.
3: Women look very different in real life than they do on their online dating apps. I've seen women on the like likes of POF, in the playground near where I live that I bring my son to. I know it's them, but they don't look like their pics on the App.

Couldn't agree more with number 2 and 3 anyway OP. Some women are incredibly superficial and expect some disneyesque thing will happen to them where some well off, well groomed guy off the "Just for Men" shampoo box will come and sweep them off their feet and bring them back to his luxury apartment and take care of them forever and ever. The pickiness is astounding. And personally I blame the celtic tiger era for it.

Everybody is gone annoyingly liberal, semi or blown feminist with a blend of cynicism, and dare and I say and I say this of both sexes they are unpleasantly over educated and it doesn't work to peoples advantage, so no matter what you do in dating circles you do feel like you're being constantly sized up especially early on with somebody. There is very little in the way of being able to relax because of it and it's keeping people single for longer.

You almost feel like you have to be diverse and unique but if you're not diverse the way they are diverse, then it's doomed

I have a good few female friends where I had a thing for them once I met them, but once getting to know them, I figured out their type of guy and it's always the same type of guy, some D4, greasy but neat haired numpty with a fancy blazer, obnoxious, smug or arrogant and they have a tendency to throw their newly found date/girlfriend on the scrap heap for really trivial reasons and "ghost" them. It's happened repeatedly to 2 good female friends of mine, one in particular she''d be a good catch if she lowered her standard a bit. She's the whole time just picking douches that come across as confident but I see it as arrogant when I've met them. Just because they might be on some level educated, have money, can dress well, doesn't automatically make you a catch or a good person in general.

Women do need to start seeing that. Like I'm personally seeing a trend on dating sites where I see very nice looking women in the prime of their lives on POF, I did on Bumble too (but it's not compatible on my phone anymore since last week) Some would write a good bio, others might not. Late 20's and well into their 30's that aren't tied down with kids (does put off some guys) they are on the app day in, day out for years I'm talking now. Like they never delete the app for a while, giving the impression they found someone or got fed up of the app. The latter of which I do regularly because it's depressing not really getting a reply or anything significant at all on it. I mean myself I'm pushing 30 and the fact I'm walking into my 30th birthday still single, is a depressing thought. I think though that's because when I look at my parents, by the time my parents were 30, they were married 10+ years with 3 kids and I look at myself and I'm like "F**k..."

And seeing people in my area on the apps, some younger, some older...and they are on the app between 2 and 3 years without leaving it, and I would have said hi even in the past, casting the rod so to speak, they didn't reply which sucks, but they are still on there and I do think. "What are you actually looking for??"

I'd like to think if you're a woman of say 34/35, (some look amazing on there and I'd date an older woman if she was nice) but I'd like to think if you're a woman of 34/35, she'd be thinking, time is ticking if she wanted to date, settle down and possibly have a family. There is no perfect guy out there, just like there is no perfect woman out there. Not that I'm saying just settle for whatever, but find someone that's good enough and f**k the rest.

As for your number 3 OP. Yeah I do notice on dating apps that people really go overboard with filters and that stupid eye affect they put in where they start to take on the appearance of a Japanese anime character. I mean they're fooling nobody, if they want to brighten up a photo fair enough but leave the effects alone ffs. I mean a person must have a real low opinion of themselves if you have to apply so much garbage to a photo.

And OP, bioxsine might be better for your hair. If it's just a receding hairline it'll work better. The Regain I've not heard good things, There is another one called Rogain which I heard good things about, for worse baldness.

Avatar MIA

Regain=Rogain, just different markets AFAIK.

zcorpian88

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Regain=Rogain, just different markets AFAIK.

I was thinking were they the same but with different names, I've heard people complain about Regain saying it's not effective, but I've read articles online of people and even celebs (a particular rock guitarist I like included) praising Rogain, so it had me thinking are they different from each other.