Planning for a family - challenges/advice

budhabob

Hi all,

Looking for a bit of advice. Married a few years now, have a forever home (still rennovating bit by bit). We're at a bit of a crossroads. My OH is Keen to start a family, and while I'd like kids, at this point in time I just can't seem to figure out how we could afford it - based in Dublin so childcare seems to cost €800-€1000 a month. While we both have decent jobs, have a rennovation loan to pay back, mortgage etc. I'm risk adverse, so just worry we'd spiral into a life of debt and stress if we were to have a child now.

Any advice/guidance etc? Just looking for sounding board!

Thanks in advance.

(If this isnt the right place feel free to move)

judeboy101

Money comes and money goes, you'll always get by unless you are lazy or stupid. BUT you only have a limited window when you can have kids and when you are young enough, healthy enough and have the energy necessary to deal with them. Go for it, enjoy the ride both literally and figuratively, and remember you can't bring it with you.

padohaodha

Go out on the town today,tomorrow and every chance you get cos once the kids arrive you'll live in a child bubble for 3-4 years.Gets easier then.If ye have parents they are invaluable for childminding so be nice to them.Check out would they offer a day or two each..Saves thousands....tis a far richer life (quality wise) with kids though so go for it.

catrionanic

Have you sat down and done your sums to see if you could make it work? That's the first step. Also factor in whether the mother will get paid by her employer on maternity leave, or will be relying on statutory government pay.

Unless you're both on low incomes, you won't really get much help from the government after baby arrives. Child benefit isn't means-tested and is currently €140 per month, but that's about it.

Also important to consider is both of your ages - 1 in 6 couples experience infertility, with the chances of this increasing with advancing age. It often can take up to a year to conceive even in the absence of fertility issues, so maybe factor this in as well. The last thing you would want to do is delay for too long and then regret it.

Ultimately though, having a child is the absolute best thing you will ever do in life. Whether you've a million in the bank or living in your overdraft, your first child will provide so much abounding joy - really something which money can't buy. If you can make it work financially, even if that would mean cutting back on renovations or some holidays or evenings out or clothes shopping, I would 100% go for it. You won't regret it.

budhabob

Thanks folks.

Keep em coming.

Unfortunately neither of us have family local, had to move to the big smoke for work many moons ago, settled here now

Big Bag of Chips

People manage. All the time. There are always options. Work part time. A childminder is usually less expensive than a crèche. Once a child is around 3 they qualify for the Ecce scheme which eases the cost a bit.

I think it's good to consider all your options and to seriously think about how you will afford a child. So many people having children without ever thinking of that side of things. But people do manage. All the time.

lazygal

I don't think you can plan that much for how much a child will cost. We're due number three very soon, it hasn't cost much and won't because of our child care arrangements and the fact we had everything we needed already.
Women have a window to have children and you won't know you'll have problems until you start trying to get pregnant . Fertility is a complete lottery. That side would concern me more than finances. Our family don't provide daily child care, nor was I coming out with much after paying it but I want to stay in the workforce.

eviltwin

I think age has to be a big factor here, how old are you both?

As BBOC said you manage, lots of people have children in less than ideal circumstances and make it work. If I had waited until I had everything perfect to have kids I'd still be childless.

budhabob

eviltwin wrote: »

I think age has to be a big factor here, how old are you both?

As BBOC said you manage, lots of people have children in less than ideal circumstances and make it work. If I had waited until I had everything perfect to have kids I'd still be childless.

Mid-early 30s. I hear ya, but at the same time i think its good to plan and at least have things like cost considered.....but thats how i approach everything, bit of a worrier.

catrionanic

If you're mid-30s, time is of the essence really. Let's say it takes 9 months to conceive, then 9 months of pregnancy- you're a year and a half older by the time baby is born, even if you start trying today.

I assume you'll want at least two kids, and probably a couple of years in between them. It really doesn't take long before you're 40 in that case.

Babies take time. I wouldn't waste much more of it, if I was in your position.

judeboy101

budhabob wrote: »

Mid-early 30s. I hear ya, but at the same time i think its good to plan and at least have things like cost considered.....but thats how i approach everything, bit of a worrier.

Planning for a baby is like planning a BBQ in Ireland.

SusanC10

We didn't plan to have our first child when we did. Financially probably wasn't the best time as my husband wasn't finished his professional qualification and so wasn't earning a lot and we had no family nearby. No Maternity top up for me. But we managed.

We then had a couple of heart breaking miscarriages and then our 2nd child. When she was 8 months old I was made redundant and around the same time my husband had 2 pay cuts and our household income dropped by 60% in the space of a couple of months.

At the time I couldn't figure how we would manage financially but we did. No childcare costs as I was at home and analysis and cutting of all non-essential spending, sold unused items online, etc. We didn't go out to Dinner alone together until she was nearly 1 !

We are out the other side now. Our Kids are 12 and 9 and I wouldn't change a thing. They don't want for anything and both of us but me in particular have totally re-prioritised the way we spend. We wasted a lot of money back then.

Sure, have a look at your finances and plan as much as possible but don't let it stop you having Kids.

lazygal

budhabob wrote: »

Mid-early 30s. I hear ya, but at the same time i think its good to plan and at least have things like cost considered.....but thats how i approach everything, bit of a worrier.

At your ages I would start trying immediately. You can't analyse and plan for every contingency.
You'll be worrying a lot more if you have any issues conceiving and staying pregnant.

budhabob

Cheers folks, we were starting to turn to that view alright, but no harm having a sounding board!

Thanks again.

The_Honeybadger

SusanC10 wrote: »

We didn't plan to have our first child when we did. Financially probably wasn't the best time as my husband wasn't finished his professional qualification and so wasn't earning a lot and we had no family nearby. No Maternity top up for me. But we managed.

We then had a couple of heart breaking miscarriages and then our 2nd child. When she was 8 months old I was made redundant and around the same time my husband had 2 pay cuts and our household income dropped by 60% in the space of a couple of months.

At the time I couldn't figure how we would manage financially but we did. No childcare costs as I was at home and analysis and cutting of all non-essential spending, sold unused items online, etc. We didn't go out to Dinner alone together until she was nearly 1 !

We are out the other side now. Our Kids are 12 and 9 and I wouldn't change a thing. They don't want for anything and both of us but me in particular have totally re-prioritised the way we spend. We wasted a lot of money back then.

Sure, have a look at your finances and plan as much as possible but don't let it stop you having Kids.

Great post. If a lot of couples sat down and actually analysed what is coming in and going out properly they’d be shocked at how much they waste. It’s amazing what you can survive on when you have no other choice.

OP there is no such thing as a ‘right’ time financially. If you both want kids go for it. You won’t regret it, but you may regret not going for it if you put it off until it’s too late.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend has a 17 year old and a 4 year old. They had their first baby when they had very little. Their house was still only being built and they were living in a prefab at the back of her parents' house. They managed and were very happy. Then they decided they wanted another. But they put it off because of Christmas, then summer, then someone's wedding, then Christmas again, then something else... For over 9 years they kept deferring it, for reasons that didn't seem to matter first time round! Then they decided the time was right and it took close to 3 years to conceive. She was 35/36 at that point and it wasn't as straight forward as first time round.

She still says she's sorry for putting it off for so long, for silly reasons. I'm not saying the cost of childcare is a silly reason, but look around you. Every parent you know is managing somehow. It is very very doable. And as somebody mentioned, if you waited for all the stars to be aligned and for everything to be perfect then you would never be in a position to have children!

wildwillow

At least you are being responsible in putting thought into having a child. Time is moving on for you so start trying now. But don't be obsessive about conceiving and continue your normal lives. It may never happen for you and you may accept this or go the assisted route.

If you are lucky and have a child be careful in your spending. Babies need food, warmth and some clothing with lots of love added. A baby doesn't mind whether it has the newest, most expensive equipment and playthings. Spend wisely. I know so many children, my own grandchildren included, who are overwhelmed by toys. Second hand and hand downs are perfect as in the early years things are used for very short periods.

They don't care if the forever house is finished as long as it is a home. Most of my generation lived with unfinished rooms and cheap furniture for years and we managed.
Children are as expensive as you are willing to spend. Prioritise things like giving them your time and good childcare and health. It won't break the budget

detoxkid

I was 34 when we had our first. We were renting and my husband went back to college so I was the sole earner. We had another straight afterwards. I've always wondered if we rushed having the kids too soon before being sorted in every other way. But like another poster, we then had two heartbreaking miscarriages, and depending on which doctor I spoke to my age was a factor. It made me realise we were right to go for it when we did- having kids once you've met the right person is not something I'd put off X

Loveinapril

detoxkid wrote: »

I was 34 when we had our first. We were renting and my husband went back to college so I was the sole earner.

We are exactly the same. My son is 10 months old now and we will be trying again from this month. We don't have any extra financially, but I know it is only for a short time.

OP, tiny babies aren't that expensive. You don't need to buy everything and other than a mattress and carseat, everything can be bought second hand. It will be a couple of years of difficulty but when pregnancy and babies happen, it is easier to avoid eating out, holidays and nights out do you can save money that way.

eviltwin

I had my first when I was still in school and a few months after finding out I was expecting my second, my husband and I were both made redundant. Not ideal by any means but we survived so if we can do it in those circumstances any one can. My kids are 9 and 22 now and while I don't get to drive that flash car I always wanted and we only get one holiday a year we are doing great with a happy family that means more to me than any stuff I could be buying.

shesty

Honest to god-if you have incomes and a home, then your big deciding factor should be age.Age, age, age.The media will have you believing women can have kids whenever but the reality is that if you want them and you're in your 30s, you should be trying now and not waiting for some fictional perfect time.It never comes. I am just 36 and just had my third.I am exhausted.Not a hope in hell would I want to be thinking about having kids now, (in my circumstances, where I was lucky enough to be married at 29.obviously not everyone is in that position).We are done with babies, and my life is restarting now, despite having three smallies.Infertility is a huge thing and you don't know until you try.I have been lucky, no fertility issues and no miscarraiges, but not everyone is that lucky.Life happens around you, you cope and when the baby arrives, your focus changes and you make decisions to facilitate that.But if you are on two solid wages, and settled, and you both want this, then what are you waiting for.

kerryjack

The maths will never add up on this one through that calculator out the window, start to night and have an other go in the morning best of luck.

Thumpette

We started trying for our first baby when I was 28. Would have gone earlier but my job at the time only topped up maternity when you'd been there 2 years so i calculated when we'd need to conceive to meet that 2 year mark. Started trying expecting it to happen right away but it was only 18 months later we finally got pregnant.

Unfortunately my first son was stillborn when I was 11 days overdue. We started trying for another baby immediately. Logic or practicality had no place then. It was grief and desperation. I was 32 the month after Max died. Again it didn't happen for us and we started fertility assistance before finally being incredibly lucky to conceive our second little boy through our first round of Ivf. He's 15 months now and is amazing. He absolutely comes with costs (not to mention the 20k it took to make him) but most of the costs are what you allow them to be. If you strip it back to the necessities there is very little a baby needs.

I often wonder how different things might have been if we just went for it rather than waiting. In saying that we are now planning another round of ivf next spring to aim for a due date that suits my husband's job so I guess we haven't learned much either!

Best of luck op, I think the fact you are considering this shows what great and responsible parents you'll make. I hope your journey to parenthood is smooth! X

shesty

I know your story Thumpette, best of luck.
OP, don't believe what you read in the media.If it's what you want and you are in a position to provide a home, then go for it.You can't buy back time and you don't want to be looking back thinking what were we waiting for.

budhabob

Thanks All.

its interesting that its such a one sided opinion, but the logic is there. Time to get a move on....

Neyite

I think I was 33 or 34 when we had the chat to start trying for a baby.

Crap timing as it was the early days of the recession, people were getting laid off left right and centre around us both in work, we both had pay cuts - a few in fact. It was a bit grim. I went on maternity leave not knowing if I'd have a job to return to. I didn't know how we'd afford childcare and all those other worries.

But age was the factor so we cracked on. And it was three years later I got pregnant for the first time with a bit of fertility medication. After that, I had a few miscarriages so now nearly a decade later we've just the one child and at peace with that.

Costs can be intense for years 1-5 even without fertility treatment. You can minimise the costs though. It's nice to go out buying stuff for your new baby all shiny and new but the truth is, you don't need anything bar a couple of things brand new - a new matteress and a new car seat (or one from a trusted source like a sibling where you know it was never in a collision) but the rest - buggies, prams, nursery furniture, and pretty much everything else you'll find people practically begging you to take them off their hands.

Childcare is your biggie. But it's not forever. Once the child hits the ECCE scheme it helps a fair bit.

We didn't know how we would manage. Or how we would juggle sick days or pick up times. But we did and you do and I can honestly say that while we might have had times when it was very tight, we got through it. You do.

markpb

Neyite wrote: »

Childcare is your biggie. But it's not forever. Once the child hits the ECCE scheme it helps a fair bit.

That depends on where you live. Childcare for me fell by about €80 when they introduced the universal payment and fell by approx. another €200 when she qualified for ECCE this month. We're currently paying over €1,500 for one in ECCE and one in after-school and that's what a 20% sibling discount. If you're luck to live near family, children can be cheap. If you don't, children are expensive although, as everyone says, you can control the amount you spend once your careful.

lazygal

budhabob wrote: »

Thanks All.

its interesting that its such a one sided opinion, but the logic is there. Time to get a move on....

I think you'll get a lot of parents on here who have first hand experience of the lottery that is procreation. And that's why it's almost universal advice!
We got pregnant really fast. Took a month or so when I was 30 and 31. By the time we decided on number three I was 36 and it took at least six months and that's not counting a couple of iffy months where I thought I could have been pregnant but then had a late period. Then there's the friends and family who've needed all sorts of invasive and not so invasive help having not gotten pregnant or had multiple miscarriages. You might get pregnant first month trying and sail through. But I know so many couples who didn't.

shesty

I think it's because we are all aware of how life changing and amazing kids are (yes and hard work!!!), and once you start trying/have them, you become extremely aware of how lucky you are ,how little control you have over it and how easily it can go wrong or not work out-and in doing so, how much it can take over your life, and how quickly everything else becomes secondary to it.
In my own case our first was born while I was in a low-paying job that I had to take due to the recession, my second was born when I was six months into a three year contract (slightly unexpected), and my third was born three months ago, after almost a year in another contract position (hoping to be permanent when returning).Admittedly the second was a bit of a surprise, but I made a conscious decision on them, because jobs come and go, but I just didn't want to be waiting around on trying for a baby-first, second or third.I know it sounds selfish but all three were large companies and could deal with it, and I just wasn't prepared to put my life on hold for a job that wouldn't necessarily suit me if I needed it.Again that was my view and my circumstances to work with, but I wasn't getting any younger.

wildwillow

There is a theory that links fertility with the age of the mother when a girl was born.

If you take it as guide that menopause is at 50 then a girl born to a twenty year old mother has better fertility than a girl born five years before menopause. It may be relevant where the mother had an early menopause as the daughter could have a shorter period of fertility.

rainbow kirby

I'm 34, have two kids (2.5 and 7 months) and no family support as we're in the UK and the rest of our family are in Ireland. We pay for full time nursery for our two and we both work full time, the concession we made after #2 arrived was to move from London to a lower cost of living area (Manchester). If you really want it you will make it work.