Step sons "depression"

piplip87

Hi guys this is a tricky one. I have a 13 year old step son and he is faking depression and anxiety.

It started last year in school. He was feeling unwell every second day in school. He would ring home constantly. Me and my partner kept a track of the times he would be ringing and we discovered that the times he rang home matched Science class and Irish Class everyday. We confronted him about this and we decided to book him in for a full physical check and it came back that there was nothing wrong with him.

The doctor said he may be a mental issue, he heard this so then the depressed feelings started everyone science and maths was on. It got to the stage where we met with the school and informed them that there was nothing wrong.

Again we went privately to get him seen by a councillor after 15 sessions school was over and he told us he didn't need the sessions.


Until this school year has started. He is spending days and days with the schools councillor, to the point where they are ringing one of us every day but again it's during science and irish

He cut himself with a hairclip not enough to draw blood but enough to show the councillor and his excuse for this is ?? He doesn't want to go to his nans house this weekend while me and my partner go away.

The so called mental health issues only arise when he doesn't get his own way, when he has a test in school, yet he has no problems during the summer and after school to be out with friends.

I, my partner and the councillor, the local GP all think he has a case of attention seeking and has found mental health to be an excuse to get out of things he does not like. Personally a good kick up the hole is all that's needed here but does anybody have any advice here ?

Surely those who has mental health issues do not go around telling everybody who will listen they have issues ?

troyzer

Definitely following this one.

Dow99

I think it's quite clear that your step son has mental issues & these need to be taken seriously.

Teyla Emmagan

piplip87 wrote:

I, my partner and the councillor, the local GP all think he has a case of attention seeking and has found mental health to be an excuse to get out of things he does not like.

And are you willing to take a chance on that?

To be honest I don't think it's very fair that you are accusing him of faking it. I went through something similar when I was about 11. I was so unhappy in school and dreaded going on so much that I made myself unwell. And I was unwell. I was fine at the weekend but genuinely physically sick at the thought of school. I still suffer from anxiety and for me that was how it began.

So I don't think it's enough for you to dismiss your son as a chancer. Clearly there is something wrong in his maths and Irish classes, whatever it is. You had better get to the bottom of it.

spurious

Even if he is saying things to get attention, it's still a sign something's not right.

doolox

I am a father of a now 20 yr old daughter who went through similar agony with depression and school related social anxiety.

Things only got better when we as parents took things seriously and her ailment as genuine. I for one had to give up the "angry Dad" model which was tried and failed on me many years ago.

I now know I had Aspergers syndrome which was undiagnosed until 10 yrs ago but made my life hell at school. Many sufferers of various mental and physical disorders suffered horribly at the hands of teachers and parents who attempted to beat normality in to their less than perfect children in the mistaken belief that subnormal or uncooperative behaviour in school or in work was being malicious or trying to dodge their obligations. The children were blamed for something that is not their fault.

Similar accusations could have been thrown at my daughter but her behaviour and demeanour in class was seen to be exemplary and better than average.

The problem was getting her to stay in school and stick with the LC program to completion. Basically she did not have the stamina or social skills to stick it out in school. She also has Autism in a mild form and finds any sort of social interaction difficult and awkward as do many people.

I come from a background where my father was involved in business and could not understand my social awkwardness and unease among the general public while he thrived in it. Worse still he had a passion for sports and was good at games while I was physically awkward and no good at them at all.

It took us decades to accept each other and build on our mutual respect fro each other as differently abled human beings.

You need to get to the root of your sons apparent problems with some of his school subjects, only now are we parents finding out the difficulties faced by our daughter with some child-minders, teachers and peers many years after the events occurred and much too late to do anything about it.

ross2010

Regardless of the coincidence of his timing it does appear he is suffering anxiety...possibly triggered by those particular classes (be it a dislike or feeling of not good enough at the subject, fear of other students or teacher who takes that subject). Unfortunately my daughter suffers from anxiety and it manifests itself in many ways including feeling physically sick every day. She has also done minor self harm in the past like scratching herself and twisting her skin (she is younger than your stepson) she explained to me it changed the pain (ie released her temporarily from the mental anguish to physical pain which she felt was easier to deal with). She has also told me she would rather be dead than feel the way that she does. Its terrifying to see your child struggle. And fear what the future will bring no matter how hard you work and how informed and proactive you are to address the issues. Please don't underestimate what he is feeling. Right now he needs you to understand he is having a hard time and he needs you to help build his coping skills and resilience in a gradual and understanding way. You may feel he is taking the p*ss but I wouldn't take that chance.

piplip87

Thanks every one for the replies. We are not calling him out on it. We are 95%sure there's nothing wrong with him but we are treating him like there is.

There is only so much playing along we can do though. He is leaving Irish and Maths class on a daily basis to talk to the councillor. What happens when the exams at Christmas or End if year come and he is missing a year's worth of work ?

Also when he gets his own way he is fine not a bother on him. As soon as punishment for wrong doing is handed out (No Xbox for the night) he goes into a rant saying he will hurt himself with out it ?

I think it's a generational thing teenagers today can't hear no and can't deal with it. Of course we are both working in good jobs and have provided a very good life for him, maybe he got too much and now he can't always have his way.

Like I said we are 95% sure it's an act but we have decided today to make some changes.


We have always limited screen time and exercised looking recently he became addicted to the phone and YouTube so we are following guidelines to deal with mental health issues.

He will hate it but it's a win win situation. If he has issues it will help deal with it. If not he will realise what he is missing and maybe cure himself.

Sinus pain

I wouldn’t care about academics- if his head is not right and he’s suffering all the a’s in the world are no good to him. My son who’s now 14 has gone through this since 2nd class and sometimes I wanted to kill him, but patience and understanding and external help was what was needed. He still has his off days but they are thankfully less and less

Teyla Emmagan

What does the counsellor think? And havd you spoken to the teachers of those particular classes? Your son is obviously fine otherwise, so it's either a problem with the teacher, he is struggling with the material or there is something else wrong in those 2 classes (maybe some student he doesn't see otherwise). Could the school put him in a different class for those subjects? The counsellor is talking to him every day by the sound of things, what does he advise?

You could bring up the idea of extra grinds in the classes he is missing so he doesn't fall behind. That might be enough to keep him in his seat for the day.

It sounds like your son does have a big problem with regard to his 'screen time' or gadget use or whatever. He threatens to hurt himself if he is not allowed his x box? I would be putting that thing straight into the bin. Cold turkey for a few months could be very good for him, that is very controlling behaviour on his part. He should not be issuing any threats in your house, and if technology means he can't regulate his emotions then it will need to go until he proves he can. That is total BS.

myshirt

A lot kids are like this now and I can't put my finger on why. They can't cope. The kids that are only 5-10 years older than your son can't even take a phone call and they are hyperventilating. If you leave them a voicemail you are called a dinosaur. They order food on an app so they don't have to talk to anyone. They go for a coffee, not a pint.

I don't know, I can't figure it out, but I wish you luck. Stick with it op because it's not what you think, it's what the kid thinks and how he sees it that drives his thoughts.

Foweva Awone

The counsellors can't diagnose anything, I'd be looking for the GP to refer him to a good psychiatrist who has experience in dealing with adolescents to find out what (if anything) is wrong. If you have private health insurance, I'd recommend a referral to St Pats, they have a lot of specialists in adolescent mental health.

wexie

piplip87 wrote: »

. We are 95%sure there's nothing wrong with him but we are treating him like there is.

Wrong how? As defined by whom?

It may not be depression/anxiety (although it sure sounds like anxiety) but I think we can probably agree this isn't normal behaviour?

Ergo.....something is wrong.

Now perhaps that may not be what he says is wrong but it's very likely that is because he doesn't know what is wrong. He's just heard about depression and anxiety and figured that it sounds like it might fit and went with it.

But this is definitely not the behaviour of a normal, well adjusted, pscyhologically happy teenager.

So while you may not think there is something wrong you do need to take this seriously. It may be as simple as him needing some extra support and attention with his classes and not wanting to admit and ask for it but there's clearly some form of issue.

Peregrinus

The coincidence of timing does not, in itself, suggest that he is faking his issues, or malingering. If he has mental health issues they are likely triggered or exacerbated by stress, and if he has particular problems with Irish and science that induces stress, and that's precisely when he becomes unable to cope.

But, just to be clear; I'm not suggesting that any issues he may have are caused by having to study science and Irish; just that this tends to be the point in his life where things get too much for him.

Treat seriously the possibility that he does have mental health issues, or an undiagnosed learning difficulty, or both. The early to mid-teens are the classic time for these things to manifest themselves or come to a head. Have him assessed by an educational psychologist (if there is any suggestion of a learning difficulty) or by an adolescent psychologist or psychiatrist. If a mental health condition is diagnosed, involve him in agreeing and committing to a plan for managing it. Make sure the school is in the picture, and is onside with the management plan.

piplip87 wrote: »

Surely those who has mental health issues do not go around telling everybody who will listen they have issues ?

Don't assume that.

wexie

Peregrinus wrote: »

Have him assessed by an educational psychologist (if there is any suggestion of a learning difficulty) or by an adolescent psychologist or psychiatrist.

And if I might be so bold as to suggest that the psychologists should come before the psychiatrist. Psychiatrists tend to be very medication focused and you could be years down the road before it's decided that that's not the way to go and some form of talk therapy (which very few psychiatrists engage in) is needed.

Teyla Emmagan

Peregrinus wrote:

Don't assume that.

Yes, it is a way of reaching out.

s7ryf3925pivug

Yeah get him to talk to a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. Both can diagnose.

It's a generalisation to say paychiatrists are very medication focused. Some use it minimally, some excessively. Some GPs will diagnose psych issues and likewise range from minimal to excessive medication in treating it.

From what I've seen with relations needing their services, private psychs have been very much the ones to medicate as little as possible, public medicate significantly more than was demonstrated to br required....Except the old person unit in James was public and they were very good, come to think of it...Also the public system in Limerick at least only really kicks in at the point of crisis, and even then the resources are stretched. You'll be waiting to talk to a psych for someone who only might have something up... So pony up.

Peregrinus

It's a little premature to be talking about medication yet; the boy doesn't even have a diagnosis and, if he ever does, it doesn't follow at all that medication will be indicated.

Like others, I certainly would not be rushing to press medication on the boy, but my only concern at about saying so at this stage is that, if we all rush to talk about this, the OP may get the impression that we are advising them to start out on a journey that typically ends with medication. Not at all. Depending on how things go, the question of medication may never come up and, if it does, you can discuss the pros and cons with the clinicians, and of course with the boy. Even if it is offered, you are under no obligation to accept medication, and many adolescent mental health issues are handled without medication.

Wanderer78

Be extremely careful here op, I spent the majority of my life struggling through our educational system only to be eventually diagnosed, in the last couple of years, with autism and dyslexia, this was a major contribution to me also struggling with depression and anxiety from a young age. please have the boy assessed, as there maybe something undiagnosed there that needs addressing, best of luck

seamus

Peregrinus wrote: »

The coincidence of timing does not, in itself, suggest that he is faking his issues, or malingering. If he has mental health issues they are likely triggered or exacerbated by stress, and if he has particular problems with Irish and science that induces stress, and that's precisely when he becomes unable to cope.

This.

I would also suggest that despite your claims to the contrary, your step son knows you don't believe him. He knows that you think he "just needs a good kick up the hole", and therefore you cannot relate to how he's feeling at all.

Thus from his point of view, whatever you do, you are doing with complete disregard for how he is feeling.

This is not "modern teenagers" or "new made-up illnesses". That's your own personal issues coming to the fore. Insular values that you've inherited from your upbringing. You need to actually believe him, not just humour him. He's 13, not 3. He knows the difference between honesty and condescension.

I would suggest that you and your wife find your own professional service to coach you in dealing with this. Your step-son's behaviour is not typical, it's not normal and it's not "just something kids do nowadays". The longer you tell yourself nothing is wrong, the more wrong things will become.

A frequent thread in many sad cases, kids who've ended up destroyed by drugs or committing suicide, are parents who told themselves, "we can handle this ourselves" until they realised they couldn't, and then it was too late.

There is no shame or weakness in seeking out help for exceptional children. Swallow your own pride and do what's best for him, not for you.

Smegging hell

I remember suffering a lot of anxiety in my teens about my performance in different subjects, to the extent that I avoided school for about three weeks in 5th year after failing a maths exam. It was a momentary thing where I wasn't thinking clearly, I put my head down in 6th year and got into college where my performance improved - hell, I have a bloody PhD now. So the idea that certain classes could be triggering anxiety doesn't strike me as necessarily faked. I would recommend talking to him about what is causing this without the presumption that he's faking it. And as Spurious said earlier, even if he is faking it for attention it's still a sign of an underlying problem.

piplip87

Thanks a million guys. Yes we have him referred to see an anxiety nurse and on the waiting list for a physhcologists appointment.

He has always had a habit of over playing sickness. I don't think it's as bad as he says it is either.


We are going through all the steps so we are treating it seriously.

Paddy Cow

If he is specifically doing everything to get out of science and irish, would you consider getting grinds for these classes?

pablo128

piplip87 wrote: »

Thanks a million guys. Yes we have him referred to see an anxiety nurse and on the waiting list for a physhcologists appointment.

He has always had a habit of over playing sickness. I don't think it's as bad as he says it is either.


We are going through all the steps so we are treating it seriously.

In the same post, you've just said you don't believe him, yet then you say you are taking it seriously. You are not taking it seriously at all and I'll bet the young lad knows that too.

Take a step back from this. You may be part of the problem.

Sleeper12

piplip87 wrote:

Hi guys this is a tricky one. I have a 13 year old step son and he is faking depression and anxiety.

No one can say that for sure.

I have a nephew who is close to 30 years of age. Several times a year for over a decade he claims to be suicidal. The family have been instructed to call an ambulance each time. Sometimes he goes in the ambulance but usually gets out at the hospital but doesn't go in. Sometimes he won't get in the ambulance at all. The doctors still say that an ambulance must be called every time regardless of his past history.

No one ever knows what goes on in someone else's head.

Brian?

piplip87 wrote: »

Thanks a million guys. Yes we have him referred to see an anxiety nurse and on the waiting list for a physhcologists appointment.

He has always had a habit of over playing sickness. I don't think it's as bad as he says it is either.

You need to stop doing that. You’re taking the right steps but you’re minimising what’s going on. You’ve constantly minimised it in this thread by saying he’s faking or exaggerating.

You don’t think the child can pick up on this? You really need to take this seriously and stop diagnosing him yourself. He has mental health issues, no matter what you think. No one who is mentally well would behave like this. Please try to not make it worse.

We are going through all the steps so we are treating it seriously.

It sound like you’re treating it seriously but don’t think it’s serious. You need to wake up to this.

I might seem harsh, but I’m only trying to help.

ouxbbkqtswdfaw

I think all this talk about mental health is just making teenagers worse. They can't work through their problems as they should, and instead get labelled mentally unwell and will spend the rest of their lives going to psychiatrists.

NewClareman

Brian? wrote: »

You need to stop doing that. You’re taking the right steps but you’re minimising what’s going on. You’ve constantly minimised it in this thread by saying he’s faking or exaggerating.

You don’t think the child can pick up on this? You really need to take this seriously and stop diagnosing him yourself. He has mental health issues, no matter what you think. No one who is mentally well would behave like this. Please try to not make it worse.

It sound like you’re treating it seriously but don’t think it’s serious. You need to wake up to this.

I might seem harsh, but I’m only trying to help.

I agree with this viewpoint. I have some insight in this area, through a close family member. The op’s son will pick up that the op is, at least to some extent, going through the motions.

My only advice would be to persevere until you get a professional who can get to the bottom of the actual issue. This can take a lot of perseverance and the real issue might not be what it currently appears to be. I wish you the very best on your journey.

Paddy Cow

Teenagers are smart and know how to play people. When I was growing up mental illness wasn't something that existed but my brother used to get out of school by faking physical illness. He would make a concoction out of porridge and orange juice and put in on his pillow, claiming he had "vomited". He would then hold his head over the gas cooker so that when my mother took his temperature, she thought he had a fever and the result was that he got to stay at home.

Op we can't advise you here on whether or not your stepson has mental health issues or is simply faking them when it suits him. Have you heard of Munchausen syndrome? It's where people fake physical or mental illness to get attention. Do some googling and see if you can find a psychologist who specialises in this and try and get them to assess your stepson. If your stepson is faking to get attention, then that IS a sign of a deeper issue.

We have no information on the relationship he has with his biological father (and I'm not expecting you to provide that) but it's possible now that he is a teenager he is acting out because of his family situation. Children tend to get on with things but teenagers start to question their environment when the hormones hit and don't have the same coping abilities as an adult.

None of us, including you, know what's going on in your stepson's head. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. He could be knowingly faking to get out of certain classes/punishments (and this sort of manipulation is not beyond the realms of possibility when it comes to teenagers) or he could be struggling and is acting out and if you ignore it and he does something drastic, you would never forgive yourself for the thoughts you have now.

Have you contacted CAMHS? They are there to help, not judge.

porsche boy

The way you wrote the title of this thread says a lot about how you view your stepson and his problems.
Are you upset because seems to be affecting your relationship with his mother??

s7ryf3925pivug

Talking about mental health doesnt make mental health worse. Getting diagnosed with a mental health issue does not equate to going to psychiatrists the whole time. The only situation where you don't get to say how you're treated or if you are is if you are dangerous to yourself or others and even then most psychiatrists will want to get you on board with a plan not dictate it.