wife sexting another man

ssheridan7110

Hi All,
long story ahead - we are married since 2012, 2 kids below 10. She was always a good wife and mother but at times could get so angry over smallest detail. It didn't bother me, I loved her.
Bout 2 years ago she started to change, taking up exercise, running every morning. I was happy for her as she seemed to enjoy it. Then she told she was txting a guy from work but not to worry he wasn't her type and she loved only me. I didn't mind at all, why would I? I never had reason to think she would ever do anything. she told me everyday she loved me.
however soon the txts became more common, she changed her phone pin and guarded it with her life. work became everything to her and me and the kids were second fiddle.
one day, before she changed the pin I did something I never did b4, I had a quick look thru her messages. wrong I know but I had to see what was going on.
she had a load of messages from a different guy...one of which was him naked and talking about the sex he had last night. she didn't really engage in that topic but did keep txting him. she also had snapchat so if that was a message I could see my mind went into overdrive about what was on snapchat. so I said it to her and she said that guy was bisexual and I was being silly. she threatened to leave and slept in the back room for 3 nights.
I apologised and she moved back to our room.

so this txting went on for months and every now and then id ask her and she'd say its only gym and work stuff but I had a gut feeling it wasn't. in desperation I downloaded snapchat myself and took a stab at her password... I got it. there were naked pictures of her and his name was at the top of her chat list. again I had it out but she swore she never sent any pictures and as its snapchat I couldn't see for sure.

so again this went on for months, my blood pressure went up, anxiety, insecurity and all while trying to work, pay the mortgage and be there for the children as much as possible.

eventually id had enough and I was sure something was going on - but I had no real proof everything vanished on snapchat. so I told her to get rid of snapchat and in fairness she did. but now she was still using her phone, sleeping with it under her pillow, taking it into the shower, keeping it on silent and always with her.

so then I did something im not proud of, not one bit but I was in despair. I put a tracker on it. this showed every keystroke that was typed. it was on it about a month and there was nothing too bad being said so I was about to wipe it and felt real guilty. then I woke up one morning and said id remove it later that day but id just check it once more.

Sure enough here it was right infront of me - she had filthy messages to him from the previous day, when she was at my parents 40th wedding party, that night and early in the morning. saying things she'd never say to me, and how she'd make it worth his while if he took the time, and that I was done and she threw away her wedding rings.

I had it out with her and told her I was done, she said she was so sorry and wouldn't do it again. I drove off but I still had her phone tracked so I checked it, here she was back txting him that she needed to see him she was offering sex on a plate! she swears she never did actually do anything, that they met up but had guilt attack b4 anything happened!


I was livid but for the sake of the kids and the house I didn't do anything rash, plus to be honest I loved her so much id find life hard without her.


So after that long vent, if you think reading it is bad try living it, I need some advice...

if I ask for a divorce will I lose my kids and house, I pay sole mortgage, tho its in both our names. inside I know ive lost the woman I love, I cant lose my house and kids. I love them to the moon and back and I built the house myself 10 years ago.

hating life a the minute.
**admin please move if not appropriate**

campo

<snipped quoted post>


I am sorry to say but seems like this marriage is over, couple of things to remember it is not your fault and you will never lose your kids as long as you are part of their lives and let them know that you love them it all will be okay in the long run.

Regards the house your health & happiness is more important however make sure you engage with a good solicitor as while you are taking care of yourself they can take care of all the legal stuff.

Hope things improve for you and keep the head up.

Misguided1

I think you should go an talk to someone OP quickly. You are in a rough situation and have some big decisions to make but don't make them on your own and don't rely on the advice from a website. Find a family member or friend, confide in them and get some support.

Take care of yourself.

Ken.

Mod- Moving to relationship issues where I think you'll get better answers.

If following this thread please read the R.I. charter.

Calltocall

Thats very tough going OP, if I was you I would start making an exit strategy privately and then when you have your ducks in a row leave, that kind of behaviour won’t change and is unacceptable to put up with that crap, Ive seen it before happen to a friend of mine, do not stay in that situation, get legal advice to protect yourself if you decide to go but it’s impossible to trust after that, this can happen unfortunately but you can rebuild your life, remember you did nothing wrong, best of luck.

osarusan

Get legal advice as soon as you can. Don't move out of your house.

Don't trust anything your wife says - she will only admit to what she thinks you know and will deny everything else.

3DataModem

osarusan wrote: »

1. Get legal advice as soon as you can.

2. Don't move out of your house.

3. Don't trust anything your wife says.

This is the only post worth reading OP. Added numbers for easier reading.

Calltocall

Calltocall wrote: »

Thats very tough going OP, if I was you I would start making an exit strategy privately and then when you have your ducks in a row leave, that kind of behaviour won’t change and is unacceptable to put up with that crap, Ive seen it before happen to a friend of mine, do not stay in that situation, get legal advice to protect yourself if you decide to go but it’s impossible to trust after that, this can happen unfortunately but you can rebuild your life, remember you did nothing wrong, best of luck.

Calltocall wrote: »

Thats very tough going OP, if I was you I would start making an exit strategy privately and then when you have your ducks in a row leave, that kind of behaviour won’t change and is unacceptable to put up with that crap, Ive seen it before happen to a friend of mine, do not stay in that situation, get legal advice to protect yourself if you decide to go but it’s impossible to trust after that, this can happen unfortunately but you can rebuild your life, remember you did nothing wrong, best of luck.

And just to clarify I didn’t mean go as in leave your house I meant leave the relationship, you should not be the one leaving the house here you did nothing wrong, possibly keep record of the messages etc later for proof of infidelity if later it went to court, i know it’s easy from the outside looking in to just say leave her throw her out etc there’s a huge amount of upheaval but the dust will settle, man you cannot stay in that relationship she will eventually act on it if she hasn’t already and you could be caught out again at a later stage now is the time to discreetly prepare.

Gonad

What can you say to a person in this situation .

Jesus I hope you can be strong for your kids
Remember they are innocent and deserve a loving father around them .

As someone else said, take everything you have as proof and seek legal advise .

I hope you get the strength to get through this and find some happiness

Kidchameleon

OP I am very sorry for your situation. Firstly, DO NOT move out of your house. Secondly, you are giving off vibes that you would love this to all go away and forgive her. You need to stop being a pussy as she has absolutely ZERO respect for you. You are a cash machine to her nothing else. If I were you I would be talking to a solicitor asap. I would get an STD check and two discreet paternity tests also just in case & for peace of mind.

Caranica

OP apart from saying your wife sometimes gets angry (don't we all) and deception on both sides you say nothing about your marriage.

Were/are you happy together? Good sex life? Affection? I know there's mistrust but is there anything positive between you?

professore

Caranica wrote: »

OP apart from saying your wife sometimes gets angry (don't we all) and deception on both sides you say nothing about your marriage.

Were/are you happy together? Good sex life? Affection? I know there's mistrust but is there anything positive between you?

Deception on both sides? That's a very skewed way of putting it. It's not like he was out chasing women and propositioning them for sex every day.

Privacy is not an absolute right. There were a ton of red flags. He was rightly suspicious and investigated. If he was tracking her from day one of their relationship that's a different story. He literally didn't care she was texting another guy and said "he had nothing to worry about" (big red flag - he wasn't worried, why did she bring it up).

Also the anger suggests she never married him for love, money perhaps?

Anyone would have been "deceptive" like this in the same situation, especially so the cheaters that bang on about their privacy being violated when they get caught.

Now he knows the truth and can get on with his life. OP things will get better.

BrokenArrows

Don't move out of the house.
She sleeps in the spare room. You take the main room.

If anything she should be the one moving out of the house.

Neyite

osarusan wrote: »

Get legal advice as soon as you can. Don't move out of your house.

Don't trust anything your wife says - she will only admit to what she thinks you know and will deny everything else.

^^ to add to this, well right now your head must be reeling I'd say. You still have that love for your wife and the immediate reaction is to want your marriage to work and for your life to carry on as it used to be. So, even if you do want to work at your marriage, take Osarusan's advice so that you can work on it armed with knowledge and facts rather than fears of what the future might hold. It won't harm your marriage to have a chat with a solicitor who's experienced in separations & divorce. But it will address some of the worries you might have. Above all, don't let anyone know you've done that. Get your facts, take some time to have a think about it all, and see what's the best way forward for you.



Pretty much anyone who has reconciled after cheating has rocked their relationship all agree that in order for there to be any kind of a relationship going forward total remorse, honestly and transparency from the cheater is the only way it will work. If you aren't getting those willingly from them, then you won't be able to rebuild.



All the best.

LegacyUser

OP...I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I've been there.
I feel your pain.
The frustration, The deception, The anger.

I know you said you had it out with her, but obviously that didn't work. She was straight back on to HIM.
For what it's worth, and from my experience, you need to do the following:
1. Get rid of the kids for the night.
2. Sit her down and lay it on the line for her. Don't stop until the message gets through.

I know how you feel. You still love her, but, (and trust me here), the anger is growing. It's building up inside and it's going to burst out.
I'm not talking about physically, but verbally and mentally.
You need to get this off your chest or you'll go insane.

You need to decide whether you want to fix this or get out.
FIX IT...OR GET OUT.
You need to decide now.
Take a day off and weigh up the pros and cons.
It's impossible to be objective, so you need to decide whether your life is better with or without her.
Do you need the grief?
Do you need the betrayal?
Do you need the deception?
Do you need a loving, caring, attentive wife and mother in your life?

It's going to take two to fix it and as Neyite said above, if you do decide to work at it, SHE MUST do what it takes and show REAL remorse.
This isn't about regret on her part. it's about remorse.

|from what you've said, I'm sorry to say she's already slept with this guy, despite denying it.
You need to get her to admit this out loud. You don't need specifics - just the truth.


If you decide you've had enough - KICK HER OUT.
She'll ask "What about the kids?" - Well, she should have thought about that before she cheated.

She's destroyed your life. Potentially destroyed the kids lives by wrecking your marriage and now she needs to make her decision - you should have already made yours at this stage.

How would she react if the roles were reversed?
You know exactly how....she'd kick you straight out - no questions asked.

Please stay strong OP.
Talk to someone about this - someone you can trust.
You need to talk this out.

Best of luck - honestly

sReq | uTeK

if be shaming her, i’d tell her get into the spare room and if anyone asks about your marriage i’d be telling them the truth. My wife was cheating on me, simple her friends and family should know the person she really is.

Also as everyone else said, get a solicitor don’t move out

mitresize5

the elephant in the room here and Im surprised no one has mentioned it is if the marriage breaks down and one of other of them leave the house she will get the kids and he will have to pay for it.

There is no fairness or justice for men in the family law court in Ireland

suicide_circus

mitresize5 wrote: »

the elephant in the room here and Im surprised no one has mentioned it is if the marriage breaks down and one of other of them leave the house she will get the kids and he will have to pay for it.

There is no fairness or justice for men in the family law court in Ireland

I'd rather be penniless than be knowingly cuckold in a house with a woman who has no respect for me or our marriage

LegacyUser

Don't shame her it will do you no good. Arrange couple councling and some for your self to get your head straight. Make sure there is cash for her to rent somewhere else or some where for her to go she has a job so can stand on her own two feet. Break it to her that this is her doing you will be reasonable about everything so long as she is but she's moving out. Both of you should have an agreed story for the kids where nobody is the baddie.

Make sure that you are nothing but niceness as she could play dirty try to start a row and go for a protection order. Don't give here the slighest excuse. Before you do have the talk let some close family know what's going on so that you have support. Best also to talk to your solicitor

mitresize5

its not a case of being penniless.

its about seeing your kids one day every week, overnight if he's really lucky, because his wife has no respect for him or his marriage.

but hey, the childrens place is with their mother right?

jimmycrackcorm

mitresize5 wrote:

the elephant in the room here and Im surprised no one has mentioned it is if the marriage breaks down and one of other of them leave the house she will get the kids and he will have to pay for it.

That's not necessarily true though. Its naturally a very traditional view, but I personally know of two cases where the father won custody and for to hold on to the house.

Both cases were where birth parents worked, but the wife went off with someone but the father looked after the children regardless.

wiggle16

Please keep in mind that you are replying to the OP about his issue specifically. No more general discussion in the thread, please - if you do not have constructive advice to address to the OP, do not post.

mada82

Throw her out. Time is a healer. In a couple of months you’ll realise there’s plenty more women out there.

ssheridan7110

thanks all for the advice. I guess im just afraid of change, the unknown, being alone and losing everything. ive worked really hard to get to where I am now. I said it to my parents, I don't really have too many friends, kind of lost touch with work and family life. they told me to forgive her and try work it out. they are old fashioned and for the kids, and I guess, they don't see divorce as something that could happen to one of theirs. im not big on talking stuff out like this with anyone and my lack of trust for ppl has gone thru the roof. I avoid confrontation and drama like the plague.

I just know that everyone would be talking, I have a fear of fighting it out, im already depressed over it, boarder line suicidal...I just don't see the point anymore. I cant bare to stay in this house with her but my heart aches for my best friend/wife back and to just live a quiet life. everything just gets me down now and I cant see how itll ever be better. I just cant get over how cruel and deceitful she was / maybe still is behind my back and all the time telling me I didn't want her to have friends and she was only talking about work/gym stuff.

Stiro05

Hi op, sounds just like the situation I was in over 3 years ago. I went through the torture for 18 months whilst my wife was exactly the same, hiding the phone, changing pins etc. I tried everything to save our marriage, we would sit down and talk and eventually agree to try again but eventually it would go back to how it was. I got to a stage where It just broke me and i gave in. I was feeling the same dark feelings your feeling now but it will get easier. Try And put yourself and the kids first and focus on that. I know you may not want to hear this, but once the trust is gone, I don't think it ever comes back. Now obviously every situation is different but that's my opinion. Keep your chin up op, it will get easier and look after yourself

ssheridan7110

ssheridan7110 wrote: »

thanks all for the advice. I guess im just afraid of change, the unknown, being alone and losing everything. ive worked really hard to get to where I am now. I said it to my parents, I don't really have too many friends, kind of lost touch with work and family life. they told me to forgive her and try work it out. they are old fashioned and for the kids, and I guess, they don't see divorce as something that could happen to one of theirs. im not big on talking stuff out like this with anyone and my lack of trust for ppl has gone thru the roof. I avoid confrontation and drama like the plague.

I just know that everyone would be talking, I have a fear of fighting it out, im already depressed over it, boarder line suicidal...I just don't see the point anymore. I cant bare to stay in this house with her but my heart aches for my best friend/wife back and to just live a quiet life. everything just gets me down now and I cant see how itll ever be better. I just cant get over how cruel and deceitful she was / maybe still is behind my back and all the time telling me I didn't want her to have friends and she was only talking about work/gym stuff.

you need support OP. You need to go out and find someone to talk with, someone to confide in. If you are feeling borderline suicidal, then get to a doctor. He/she may prescribe something that will help you. I wish I had done the same 13 years ago when I was in a similar situation (no kids though).

Spend your time with you children. As much time as you possibly can. Your OH may see the error in her ways when she sees you happy with the kids while she is out gallivanting. Its an extremely difficult situation OP, show that you are strong and confident. I know that it is the worst stabbed-in-the-back feeling in the world when someone does this, especially when you have shared many happy times over the years.

It is hard to see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. This will happen when you start to think a bit more clearly. From experience I think I remember going into mild shock for about a month, sleeplessness, anxiety, loss of appetite, I withdrew from society for a while. I even started thinking things like 'I wonder what would happen if I disappeared, who would miss me..'  (if you know what Im saying).

13 years later, its long behind me.

wiggle16

Hi OP

I would strongly encourage you to contact one of the organisations listed in the "Information for distressed Posters" resource: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293.

There are some great services out there for people who are experiencing a crisis or difficulty like yours, please do have a look and consider getting in touch with them, in addition to legal advice.

One thing I do want to say about one of your concerns in your last post: that people will be talking. OP, some people may talk about it, but 15 minutes later they will move onto something else. It doesn't matter to them, they will forget about it after 15 mins. The other side of it is that you are the one who has been wronged in this situation - I can't imagine anyone having anything but sympathy for your position. That's of no use to you of course, but please do not concern yourself with people gossiping. You've done nothing wrong.

Once again, I'd strongly encourage you to speak to one or more of the organisations in the link. You are not on your own in this, no matter how much it may feel like it.

wiggle16

Hi OP

After some consideration, the moderators believe that at this stage you would better advised to seek professional advice, both for legal issues and support/consolation. Once again, I would very strongly encourage you to contact one of the organisations listed in the distressed posters sticky.

As such, I am closing this thread.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope things improve for you soon.