best Friend wont go to gay bars with me

Ethereal Cereal

Hi

Can I ask, do your straight friends go to gay bars with you? Probably my best friend wont go to gay bars with me. She backed out of the Mother halloween party we had planned to go to this w.e. I'm still feeling a bit hurt about it, like, the reason she doesn't want to go to these bars is because no one is hitting on her (she told me this drunk) and sober she says its because its too expensive or too much effort. Disclaimer, it is a bus ride into the city, about an hour each way and a €15 return fare

I cant decide if I should broach this subject with her, or just leave well enough alone and head out to these places on my own. I do enjoy going out for a few drinks with her to regular bars and we do hang out quite allot, but I'm just finding it a little bit tricky to deal with this cancellation, its creating a negative narrative in my mind... but I don't want to overreact to anything either. I wouldn't like to lose her as a friend, I might be just being a bit dramatic today.

tl;dr
Do you straight friends go to gay bars with you? Panti/Front Lounge etc
Should I just say nothing because ppl shouldnt have to do what they dont want to do?

thanks,

Wanderer2010

This is entirely up to the person involved and if I were you I would never ask them to go with you direct, just say something like "Im heading out to such and such bar Friday evening for a few pints, I appreciate it might not be your cup of tea but you are welcome to join me if you want", To which they might reply "Im not comfortable with that" and you will have to be 100% ok with that.

People are entitled to be uneasy in gay bars and it may not have anything to do with being gay as such, but a multitude of factors like not wanting to be hit on, seeing workmates, family etc. Its down to that person at the end of the day.

Ten of Swords

Are you suggesting that just the two of you go? If that's the case she may be worried that you will meet up with someone there and go off with them, leaving her on her own in a gay bar. That could be very uncomfortable for her.

Heebie

I wouldn't want my straight friends with me at as gay bar.
If I'm there, I'm there to be with "my own people" in a "safe space'

I'm old fashioned and grew up in a much more difficult time to be gay, though. I wouldn't expect young people today to feel the same way about it.

I grew up hiding parts of myself from even my closest friends out of fear. I was out, but still never talk with straight friends about my sex life or anything like that.

Ethereal Cereal

Thanks all, looks like a consensus, I'll leave it alone.
Thanks for the advice

LLMMLL

Your friend is clearly self centred and doesn’t like going out if she’s not going to get attention from guys. I’ve encountered this before.

But since they’re passing it off as being broke (which they might actually be) you’ll look churlish and insensitive bringing it up.

You could wait until next time they suggest going out in town and say “yeah I’d really love to go to Panti or the G” and see what their excuses are. They won’t be able to pull the money excuse as they’re already thinking of going into town and if they complain that they won’t get Male attention you can point out you like the chance to get attention too and potentially meet someone.

cruizer101

LLMMLL wrote: »

Your friend is clearly self centred and doesn’t like going out if she’s not going to get attention from guys. I’ve encountered this before.

I wouldn't necessarily call it self-centred a lot of people go out with the main intention being to hook up with someone, if the chances of that happening are slim to none then it could be understandable that they don't want to go out.

o1s1n

Heebie wrote: »

I wouldn't want my straight friends with me at as gay bar.
If I'm there, I'm there to be with "my own people" in a "safe space'
.

I can understand you had a hard time growing up, but the above really does make the gay community come across as exclusionary. How are your straight friends not 'your own people'? Isn't that the main reason why you'd consider them your friends?

I have some close gay friends and have no problem going to a gay bar with them. TBH, I wouldn't even consider it 'going to a gay bar' - it would just be 'going to a bar'.

LLMMLL

cruizer101 wrote: »

I wouldn't necessarily call it self-centred a lot of people go out with the main intention being to hook up with someone, if the chances of that happening are slim to none then it could be understandable that they don't want to go out.

I understand why some people wouldn’t want to go out if they weren’t going to get attention, but assuming the straight friend is happy out bringing her gay friend to straight places, then it’s self-centred to not reciprocate.

I don’t really like clubs (gay or straight) but a friend who was back in Dublin for a weekend was dying to go out, so I went. I’d say every club in Ireland is littered with people who are only there because their friend wanted to go out.

cruizer101

LLMMLL wrote: »

I understand why some people wouldn’t want to go out if they weren’t going to get attention, but assuming the straight friend is happy out bringing her gay friend to straight places, then it’s self-centred to not reciprocate.

But is it not more a case of "gay clubs" and "clubs" as opposed to straight clubs (caveat. I don't have any gay friends so not too familiar with the scene and picking up in standard clubs but assume it is more likely than straight picking up in gay bar).
I do see your point about self-centered but think depends a bit on the dynamic of the relationship and going out (is it usually just the two, is there a group, etc.)

Ethereal Cereal

Yea, I am trying to just forget about it hopefully in a couple of days I'll just be able to laugh it off as she doesn't like going out to bars where she can't get any male attention and leave it at that, it's fair enough too.

It shouldn't really be her problem either, I can't be putting that on her. I need from to get a bit more comfortable going to these places on my own. I generally do in my defence, I just get a bit bored, or occasionally fenced in by the wrong guy, which can happen when your on your own.

I feel like if I say more I'm just giving everyone a one sided story, it's something I guess I'll just need to deal with. I think this thread was a bit of an off loading from me, I don't really have a tonne of other friends. Thanks for listening and the replies, it's all good...

Heebie

o1s1n wrote:

I can understand you had a hard time growing up, but the above really does make the gay community come across as exclusionary. How are your straight friends not 'your own people'? Isn't that the main reason why you'd consider them your friends?

I'm not comfortable with talking about sex with my straight friends, and I don't know any of them who are comfortable talking about gay sex. They're fine with the fact that I'm gay, but there's very little commonality there.
I also am not in need of a "third wheel" if I'm trying to get to know someone.
Leaving a straight friend hanging in a gay bar because I'm chatting someone up is very different than doing the same with a gay friend.
Everyone has different circles of friends in their lives for all sorts of reasons.
I'd be uncomfortable hanging out with sporty guys at a sports bar, day example.
For me sport is utterly meaningless. I have no desire to watch it, talk about it, nor listen to others talking about it. Friends of mine who are into sport understand and accept this, and don't invite me to their premier league watching parties.

Ethereal Cereal

Heebie wrote: »

I'm not comfortable with talking about sex with my straight friends, and I don't know any of them who are comfortable talking about gay sex. They're fine with the fact that I'm gay, but there's very little commonality there.

I also am not in need of a "third wheel" if I'm trying to get to know someone.
Leaving a straight friend hanging in a gay bar because I'm chatting someone up is very different than doing the same with a gay friend.
Everyone has different circles of friends in their lives for all sorts of reasons.
I'd be uncomfortable hanging out with sporty guys at a sports bar, day example.
For me sport is utterly meaningless. I have no desire to watch it, talk about it, nor listen to others talking about it. Friends of mine who are into sport understand and accept this, and don't invite me to their premier league watching parties.

Hey man

I don't mean this in any type of a bad way but based on what you've said above, it sounds like you might have internalised some homophobia. Of course you should be able to talk to you straight friends about gay sex, their your friends, it's just sex.

And leaving a straight friend hanging in a gay bar is exactly the same as leaving a gay friend hanging in a regular bar, there's should be no difference. In my defense chatting up ppl is not the reason I want my friend to go to a gay bar with me, I just want to share that part of my life with her.

And possibly I misunderstood the last point, but as an avid sports fan I don't find sports bars to be the remit of straight people. I love hanging out in them.

Anyway, long story short, your entitled to express your sexuality man, it's perfectly natural and totally legal.

Hope your ok, you sound like you might feel a bit isolated. Sorry if I've read too much into your reply

Heebie

Ethereal Cereal wrote:

I don't mean this in any type of a bad way but based on what you've said above, it sounds like you might have internalised some homophobia. Of course you should be able to talk to you straight friends about gay sex, their your friends, it's just sex.

I don't expect my straight friends wouldn't want to hear about my sex life any more than I about theirs, and I have way less that zero desire to hear about what straight people do in their bedrooms.

Ethereal Cereal wrote:

And possibly I misunderstood the last point, but as an avid sports fan I don't find sports bars to be the remit of straight people. I love hanging out in them.

Perhaps you did. I was saying that I don't hang out in sports bars because I have no use for sports. Most of the people there would be. I don't "watch the match" I don't even know who's playing and don't care to.
Some gay guys do, some don't. If they're enjoying their sports bar time... I'm not there in the way, or worse stuck watching other people have a good time while I'm bored beyond belief... I just don't go there.
I don't expect my straight friends to tag along with me to the George for similar reasons.
I can talk to my straight friends in environments we're all going to enjoy.

Ethereal Cereal

Heebie wrote: »

I don't expect my straight friends wouldn't want to hear about my sex life any more than I about theirs, and I have way less that zero desire to hear about what straight people do in their bedrooms.

ok, cool cool cool, each to their own.

Personally I talk to my friend about sex all the time, and vice versa.
It helps me, and her I think. I wouldn't be as good a friend with her if I couldn't.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Based on what I'm reading above, I might actually be being a bit harsh on her, hah ha

baby and crumble

In reverse, I'm not a huge fan anymore of non-gay spaces. I don't mean I'm like "Ewww, straight people" but if i go out it will be with a group of other queer people or to a gay venue/event. I do not feel comfortable in straight night-time social spaces, they're really "amped up" and I get hassle going to the ladies toilets. But that said I'd never expect my straight friends to come to gay spaces with me and possibly be uncomfortable, like I am in reverse. Quid-pro-quo and all that.

robp

E

Ethereal Cereal wrote: »

Hi

Can I ask, do your straight friends go to gay bars with you? Probably my best friend wont go to gay bars with me. She backed out of the Mother halloween party we had planned to go to this w.e. I'm still feeling a bit hurt about it, like, the reason she doesn't want to go to these bars is because no one is hitting on her (she told me this drunk) and sober she says its because its too expensive or too much effort. Disclaimer, it is a bus ride into the city, about an hour each way and a €15 return fare

I cant decide if I should broach this subject with her, or just leave well enough alone and head out to these places on my own. I do enjoy going out for a few drinks with her to regular bars and we do hang out quite allot, but I'm just finding it a little bit tricky to deal with this cancellation, its creating a negative narrative in my mind... but I don't want to overreact to anything either. I wouldn't like to lose her as a friend, I might be just being a bit dramatic today.

tl;dr
Do you straight friends go to gay bars with you? Panti/Front Lounge etc
Should I just say nothing because ppl shouldnt have to do what they dont want to do?

thanks,

Each to their own. They are doing nothing wrong.