Ex

Bonniek

Father of my kids only wants to see 1 of our children. What do I do in this situation. We are broke up over a year, we have a 6 month old and a 6 year old, I met him on a night out and stupidily had a 1 night stand and that's how the 6 month old came along anyway he only wants to see the older child, need advice on what to do. Obviously very upset for my younger child.

catrionanic

What reasons has he given for this? It seems bizarre.

Bonniek

catrionanic wrote: »

What reasons has he given for this? It seems bizarre.[

The baby Cry's too much😢

catrionanic

He cannot be serious?! What are his expectations then? Does he plan to start to see the younger kid when he or she is less of a crybaby?

I'm sorry, I just do not know what to even say to this. It is ridiculous.

Has he had regular contact with your older child over the years?

Bonniek

catrionanic wrote: »

He cannot be serious?! What are his expectations then? Does he plan to start to see the younger kid when he or she is less of a crybaby?

I'm sorry, I just do not know what to even say to this. It is ridiculous.

Has he had regular contact with your older child over the years?

Ya he always had contact with older child. This is what I'm stuck on that hes going to want to see the younger one when its easier but what do I do then. Do I tell him he can't or what do I do? I feel like telling him if he can't handle the child when its hard he don't deserve the baby when it gets easier. I feel like its a control thing so I don't get a break.

Loveinapril

What an awful situation. Did he see the older child when they were that young? I know you are probably really angry with him and don't want to do him any favours but could you allow him to come visit the baby in your house? That way, you can help him if he is getting overwhelmed, he can develop a relationship with the baby and eventually feel comfortable enough to have unsupervised access. I wouldn't go down the route of stopping access in the future. Kids should never be victims of their parents disagreements.

SusieBlue

This might be unpopular but you have two children to think of here.

They are both his and you cannot allow him to pick and choose which child he'll see. It will be so emotionally damaging for the younger child if the older sibling continues to have a relationship with the Dad, while Dad is effectively relinquishing all responsibility for the younger child.

I see the unfairness for the older child, but he seems so flighty what's to say he won't abandon him/her down the line too?

He sounds like a right piece of work.
If you allow this, one day you'll have two teenagers and a whole lot of resentment and emotional issues. I wouldn't even entertain it.

If he pushes tell him he can take it to court and can explain to the Judge himself how he can only be arsed with one of his kids.

Bonniek

Loveinapril wrote: »

What an awful situation. Did he see the older child when they were that young? I know you are probably really angry with him and don't want to do him any favours but could you allow him to come visit the baby in your house? That way, you can help him if he is getting overwhelmed, he can develop a relationship with the baby and eventually feel comfortable enough to have unsupervised access. I wouldn't go down the route of stopping access with your other child. Kids should never be victims of their parents disagreements.

No I would never stop access with older child because they have a great bond, and yes we were together for a good few years so was always there when older child was newborn etc. He doesn't want to come to my house that's the thing. Wasn't interested when I was pregnant put no effort in at all.

Bonniek

SusieBlue wrote: »

This might be unpopular but you have two children to think of here.

They are both his and you cannot allow him to pick and choose which child he'll see. It will be so emotionally damaging for the younger child if the older sibling continues to have a relationship with the Dad, while Dad is effectively relinquishing all responsibility for the younger child.

I see the unfairness for the older child, but he seems so flighty what's to say he won't abandon him/her down the line too?

He sounds like a right piece of work.
If you allow this, one day you'll have two teenagers and a whole lot of resentment and emotional issues. I wouldn't even entertain it.

If he pushes tell him he can take it to court and can explain to the Judge himself how he can only be arsed with one of his kids.

This is what I want to do but feel like I'll only damage the older child. I just think hes gonna turn around when the baby is bigger and easier and want to see her you get me? Baby's are hard work but why does he get to pick and choose at what stage of the baby's life he wants to be a parent

SusieBlue

Bonniek wrote: »

This is what I want to do but feel like I'll only damage the older child. I just think hes gonna turn around when the baby is bigger and easier and want to see her you get me? Baby's are hard work but why does he get to pick and choose at what stage of the baby's life he wants to be a parent

I think you're right and that's exactly what he's going to do. You're caught between a rock and a hard place here.
I know the older child would suffer but I just couldn't allow my younger child be neglected like that.
It should be either all or nothing. Is your current arrangement through the courts?

Bonniek

SusieBlue wrote: »

I think you're right and that's exactly what he's going to do. You're caught between a rock and a hard place here.
I know the older child would suffer but I just couldn't allow my younger child be neglected like that.
It should be either all or nothing. Is your current arrangement through the courts?

No just verbal he takes older child on Friday drops back Saturday and that's it. I would rather stay out of court tbh, I don't think he'd turn up anyway. And I don't think you can bring a father to court for access, can't force a relationship but just think its totally unfair on me and younger child that hes just gonna come back when the baby gets easier

Big Bag of Chips

Bonniek wrote: »

Baby's are hard work but why does he get to pick and choose at what stage of the baby's life he wants to be a parent

Because he's not the custodial parent. Hard as it is to understand, he is a part-time father, and as a result he more or less does get to pick and choose when he wants to be in their lives. If he decides he's not collecting the older child this weekend, there is not much you can do about that. He could walk away from both of them now, and come back in 4 years time and he would be granted access.

Was he a very hands on father in the newborn phase for the older child, or were you the more active parent? Did he do nappies, and night feeds and make dinners, bath them etc without you being present? Did he ever have the child over night for a night or two on his own?

I am not defending him here, by the way, but I know a lot of men are uneasy with babies when they're babies. It's only as the get older and a bit more interactive and self-sufficient that some men feel confident and comfortable enough to be 'in charge'.

I think you can't stop your older child from having a relationship with him. That wouldn't be fair on the child. But equally you can't force him to take the younger child. And realistically would you want to? When you know his attitude to them, axnd wouldn't be sure whether he'd be capable of looking after them properly.

Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do. Chances are he'll be more interested as the baby starts walking and talking. But you cannot force him to take up access. The one saving grace is your child isn't old enough to know any different yet.

Bonniek

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Because he's not the custodial parent. Hard as it is to understand, he is a part-time father, and as a result he more or less does get to pick and choose when he wants to be in their lives. If he decides he's not collecting the older child this weekend, there is not much you can do about that. He could walk away from both of them now, and come back in 4 years time and he would be granted access.

Was he a very hands on father in the newborn phase for the older child, or were you the more active parent? Did he do nappies, and night feeds and make dinners, bath them etc without you being present? Did he ever have the child over night for a night or two on his own?

I am not defending him here, by the way, but I know a lot of men are uneasy with babies when they're babies. It's only as the get older and a bit more interactive and self-sufficient that some men feel confident and comfortable enough to be 'in charge'.

I think you can't stop your older child from having a relationship with him. That wouldn't be fair on the child. But equally you can't force him to take the younger child. And realistically would you want to? When you know his attitude to them, axnd wouldn't be sure whether he'd be capable of looking after them properly.

Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do. Chances are he'll be more interested as the baby starts walking and talking. But you cannot force him to take up access. The one saving grace is your child isn't old enough to know any different yet.

Ya was always very hands on. I was afraid this was gonna be the answer. But your right he is only a part time parent. Disgusting if you ask me.

Bonniek

Thanks every one for the replies. Gonna turn off commenting. If I can figure out how to 😂

Dravokivich

One thing to consider with regards to access, it's not just the parent with the child. It's also seen as the child with that parent. The child has a right to both parents involved. It's a bit bewildering to me that's he's picking and choosing. Is it something you've talked about with him?