What do I do?

Ursus Horribilis

Seeing as you can buy condoms everywhere from a pub vending machine to Lidl, it's odd that he raided the box at home. It's beside the point though. Regardless of whether it's an affair he's having with a colleague, something else pre-arranged or simply a plan to hit the bar when he gets to his destination, he believed there was a shag on the horizon. He can dress it up any way he likes but that is what it boils down to. Personally, I wouldn't be one bit confident that he hasn't cheated before. Would you have even had an inkling if he hadn't been a bit stupid and opened up the box at home?

The ball is in your court now. What is a dealbreaker for you? Can you ever trust him again? You can be certain that he will never again dip into the box of condoms in the top drawer of your dressing table. How can you be certain he won't pick up a box of Durex in Boots in the Airport? If he goes on the trip, will you be wide awake at 2am wondering is he making the beast with two backs in some hotel somewhere?

Neyite

DoIStay wrote: »

Thank you. You are right .
It's a work trip.

If it's work presumably he has to go regardless of what's going on in your relationship at the moment.

It's ok to know that you don't have to do decide anything immediately. Often on forums like this you'll get people expecting you to dump him immediately. But in real life you'll feel like the rug was pulled out from under you and it takes time to process through the feelings of shock or sadness or anger that surfaces.

You can take the time he's on the trip to see how you feel, and maybe ask him to stay with family or a friend afterwards for a while just to give you head space to consider what you want to do. Do you have friends or family that you can confide in, someone to support you?

never_mind

What I don't understand is how stupid the OP's OH is... if they were planning on cheating why wouldn't they have just bought condoms in the country they are visiting. Next time they go away, if you stay with them, they might consider this. I would say there is more to this than meets the eye. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship but it might mean talking out the issue and seeing how you feel.

OP, take some time to digest and talk to a friend in real life who knows him and you.

skallywag

It also strikes me as jawdroppingly stupid that he would take them from a box at home where it would be pretty clear that they have 'gone missing'. I think it's pretty clear that in this case there was intent on his side.

You mention that he was heading off on a work gig, so unless he works in some location and area where he would need them as part of a survival kit then it's pretty clear that he was intending to get up to no good.

DoIStay

[quote=never_mind;108427690 I would say there is more to this than meets the eye. .

OP, take some time to digest and talk to a friend in real life who knows him and you.[/quote]

Thank you for your reply and advice. When you say more than meets the eye, what are you thinking?

DoIStay

Thank you beautiful strangers (and strangers mammys!) of the internet. I already knew everything you have all told me but I needed to hear it from someone because part of me was afraid of loosing him due to an over-reaction.

I'm staying with a friend and I'm ok. In fact, I felt particularly bad ass and strong marching out of there with my stuff!

I can never trust him again and I refuse to be the partner who overlooks demeaning and disrespectful behaviour. I don't deserve that. I'm heartbroken and dreading the next few days/months but I'll be ok.

Thank you

DoIStay

DoIStay wrote: »

Thank you beautiful strangers (and strangers mammys!) of the internet. I already knew everything you have all told me but I needed to hear it from someone because part of me was afraid of loosing him due to an over-reaction.

I'm staying with a friend and I'm ok. In fact, I felt particularly bad ass and strong marching out of there with my stuff!

I can never trust him again and I refuse to be the partner who overlooks demeaning and disrespectful behaviour. I don't deserve that. I'm heartbroken and dreading the next few days/months but I'll be ok.

Thank you

Happy to hear you’ve managed to find the strength to leave. It will be awful for a few weeks or so but it’s for the best in the end!

Neyite

It's really great to see that even in your heartbreak, you know your worth. I think you are right, especially since he spluttered implausible denials and minimisation when caught rapid. If he came clean and offered complete transparency you could have had something to salvage.

You'd always wonder who's on a work trip with him, or what's he doing when he's out without you and over time that erodes your self esteem and ultimately turns you from a trusting person to a miserable suspicious one.

It gets better. Surround yourself with people who support you and throw yourself into the stuff you couldn't do coupled up. Go to the places he wouldn't go to with you, cook the food he hates, play the music he thought was crap. In a few months you'll feel way better. In time you'll even look back and laugh that he was so pathetic that he wrecked a good thing and didn't even get a ride out of it for his trouble.

Keep being badass!