Upsetting childcare situation

misshaversham

So we have been with a childminder since March. Girl turned 4 in May, boy is 6 but its mostly girl who goes there for 2 hours a day between pick ups. Also they spent full days there over the summer.

Little girl occasionally wets herself at home or preschool but I have been told by preschool that this is occasional and not seen as a problem.

At childminders she was wetting herself most days. She is a very stubborn little girl who got engrossed in games or TV (there is a lot of TV at childminders). In July one day the childminder nonchalantly told me that she had put my little girl in a naughty corner for half an hour for wetting herself. She could see by my face that I was horrified, but as I was quite friendly with this woman at this point I stayed calm, explained to her what I wrong thing to do that was and she fully apologised. I sent her articles afterwards about small children and wetting.

Weeks later my son said my girl wasn't allowed sit on childminders couch cause she wets it. I challenged childminder & she said it was cause back of the couch was broken. Meanwhile childminder became a lot less friendly in dealings with me. I found other childminder... but then little girls friend joined the childminder we were with & I decided to give it another chance as I was happy she had a friend there. There are about 6 little girls there most days.

This decision was a mistake. About 2 weeks ago my little girl reported that the childminder wasn't friendly with her and liked other girls more. Meanwhile, for the past 3-4 days at pick up, the childminder has told me that my girl 'just wet herself. just now' at the door, at pick up, so I then had to go change her myself. Obviously this was a lie and very passive aggressive, but I was very busy with work / life issues & let it go. She did that again yesterday & after I had changed my child, then told me that she was sorry but she doesn't want my girl anymore because she keeps wetting herself. That on a Tues & I am now also stuck for childcare, mid week.

I phoned the preschool which is attached to the school where the childminder's partner works. The lady there (who is very professional) says wetting is not an issue in school, that mostly my girl is happy and bright but has some concentration issues which may be worth investigating & this may have been an issue if anyone minding her was not tuning in to her with empathy.

The childminder has no qualifications, no older children herself, no experience & lots of other children as there is a big shortage in our area. She was obviously not interested in work or responsibility & I honestly don't know how my little girl has been treated in the last few months, but I imagine it was coldly. Disgusted with myself for letting this situation continue, stuck for childcare and very upset for my little girl.

When I said to my little girl about getting a new childminder, she sat looking at a toy quietly for a while & when pressed she whispered that that 'is a good idea.'

How would you handle this?

Nekarsulm

Take her to another childminder.
Don't send her for even one more day.
No other solution for it.
In your situation, and the short time you have to organise it, I'd even look at ads in the local shop, "woman will loook after children in their own (childrens) home" type of thing.

drunkmonkey

Is there a crèche anywhere around at least you'll have qualified staff.

Might be worth taking her to the doctor or getting some help with the wetting or put her in pull ups. There's a bit of responsibility on yourself to help fix the wetting seems excessive can undertand why people would be frustrated.

Ghekko

You just have to find another minder. I'm guessing you didn't have any sort of contract with this woman stating notice terms? In any case you wouldn't want your daughter being minded by somebody you say is not interested, even if she did give a couple of weeks notice. Maybe a creche setting would be better for your needs as, at the very least, the staff will be qualified and there will be a proper ratio of staff to children. I gather you won't be sending your son to that woman again either so hopefully you can find a creche place for both children if the option is available to you.

seamus

I'm not sure what response you're looking for as the course of action seems obvious tbh. This childminder doesn't work for your child. It's impossible to say whether the childminder is competent; but without qualifications it would be safe to say that she works best when minding children who are very straightforward. That's not saying your child is odd or different, but needs a little more empathy and consideration. Which an unqualified person probably doesn't know how to give.

Although it may cost a little more, I'd advise looking for a childminder with at least some form of relevant qualification or experience. I don't, but even as a parent I know that child who wets themselves should never be punished for it or made to feel ashamed or sad about it. You just make it worse. Such a basic error on the part of the childminder would be a red flag.

misshaversham

Thanks for the support. Very upset.

I should add that this childminder has no downstairs toilet and refuses to provide a potty as she thought it would get splashed, even though I told her you can get pottys with lids.

I tried to work with her on it.

I think that the childminder made such an issue of it that my daughter may have been wetting herself as a protest? Or maybe it is concentration issues - I'm not there, I don't know, I just know that this has not been a problem with other childcare professionals she has been with, and she has been in a creche and with three other childminders/ babysitters at different times plus preschool.

I have informed the preschool as they advertise this woman.

mloc123

misshaversham wrote: »

I should add that this childminder has no downstairs toilet and refuses to provide a potty as she thought it would get splashed, even though I told her you can get pottys with lids.

Really sounds like the childminder does not like having children in her house...

shesty

The poor child.Have a four year old too.Odd wetting issues.She may now find it such a big thing there that it is happening from nerves.No downstairs toilet in our minder's house either, but potty is there, and she just deals with accidents as they arise, no fuss made.Certainly not punishing.Ours has much older kids and has minded many kids over the years, more experience than me as a parent.

Find other childcare.Do not send your child back there.

misshaversham

Thats my feeling too. She just happens to have a toddler, live by the school so its an obvious choice for her but she I don't think she would have come to childcare otherwise. And we have been ditched because she has lots of other kids there and she is lazy. She only started childminding for the first time in March.

splinter65

You were unhappy with the childminder in July but you kept sending your child from then until now and you would be still sending the child to her if the childminder hadn’t asked you not to bring your child any more.
Address your 4 year olds wetting issue and don’t leave your child to be minded by a childminder your not happy with.

Plumbthedepths

misshaversham wrote:

The childminder has no qualifications, no older children herself, no experience & lots of other children as there is a big shortage in our area. She was obviously not interested in work or responsibility & I honestly don't know how my little girl has been treated in the last few months, but I imagine it was coldly. Disgusted with myself for letting this situation continue, stuck for childcare and very upset for my little girl.

Reading the above, it begs the question why did you send your child in the first place. Also it's not up to the childminder to address the issues of wetting your child has. If stuck is your answer it's a very poor excuse tbh considering it's a child at the centre of this.

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

I cannot understand why you left your child with the childminder for four months when you were not happy with the care they were receiving??

A four year old wetting herself daily is another separate issue you should address immediately.

misshaversham

splinter65 wrote: »

You were unhappy with the childminder in July but you kept sending your child from then until now and you would be still sending the child to her if the childminder hadn’t asked you not to bring your child any more.
Address your 4 year olds wetting issue and don’t leave your child to be minded by a childminder your not happy with.

In fairness, the childminder fully apologised in July. I had been friendly with her and I chose to trust her. I realise this was a mistake, but I live with that cause I acted out of goodwill and trust. But I should have moved her a few weeks ago, when I had another childcare option lined up. And believe me I am kicking myself.

How would you suggest I address my child's wetting issues. She doesn't do it that often at home. We read all the toilet books. I have a potty downstairs. And it doesn't happen much at school. What can I do that I'm not doing? This was a problem at the childminders and I wasn't there

seamus

Kamryn Sour Choir wrote: »

I cannot understand why you left your child with the childminder for four months when you were not happy with the care they were receiving??

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

Reading the above, it begs the question why did you send your child in the first place. Also it's not up to the childminder to address the issues of wetting your child has. If stuck is your answer it's a very poor excuse tbh considering it's a child at the centre of this.

I think it's unfair to turn this back on the OP tbh.

Childcare at the moment is at a premium, places in créches and childminders are hard to come by, and not everyone has the luxury of being able to take a child out of childcare at short notice; people still have to work and may not have any other options.

The OP gave the childminder the benefit of the doubt, which is probably something she won't do again.

I would also disagree that it's "not up to" the childminder to address wetting issues. A regular childminder isn't just a babysitter who makes sure the child has a roof and food. They form part of the child's education structures and should be as considerate and supportive in raising the child as any other tertiary such as a teacher. If they take the attitude that a child's emotional well-being is "not my job", then they shouldn't be in that business.

An adult being frustrated by a child is understandable. But allowing that frustration to make you treat the child differently means that you've chosen the wrong job.

spurshero

Jesus some of the worlds most perfect parents are on this thread . I’m sure the lady feels bad enough about situation without people giving out to her. Best of luck with finding new place and when you do I’m sure your kids will be lot happier . The place they were in dosent sound very child friendly at all

splinter65

I’m not going to get into a back and forth with you about why you continued to leave your child at a childminders after you knew that she’d punished your child for wetting herself. Modern family life is stressful but you have to make your child’s wellbeing your absolute priority.
Right now you have to take parental leave or holidays if possible and spend time at home on one to one with the 4 year old.
She is old enough to understand that it is very important that she stops what she’s doing as soon as she needs to go to the toilet. It’s your job to help her to understand this. It’s part of her discovering that we can’t always do what we want or get what we want. She has to feel that she has achieved a goal and overcome a hurdle by mastering the art of using the toilet before her bladder gets the better of her.

misshaversham

Kamryn Sour Choir wrote: »

I cannot understand why you left your child with the childminder for four months when you were not happy with the care they were receiving??

A four year old wetting herself daily is another separate issue you should address immediately.

I see now that I was ridiculously tolerant. I had been friendly with this woman and I decided to trust her and see it the bad vibes as a phase that may resolve, as many things do. I see now that I was negligent. Feel ****

misshaversham

seamus wrote: »

I think it's unfair to turn this back on the OP tbh.

Childcare at the moment is at a premium, places in créches and childminders are hard to come by, and not everyone has the luxury of being able to take a child out of childcare at short notice; people still have to work and may not have any other options.

The OP gave the childminder the benefit of the doubt, which is probably something she won't do again.

I would also disagree that it's "not up to" the childminder to address wetting issues. A regular childminder isn't just a babysitter who makes sure the child has a roof and food. They form part of the child's education structures and should be as considerate and supportive in raising the child as any other tertiary such as a teacher. If they take the attitude that a child's emotional well-being is "not my job", then they shouldn't be in that business.

An adult being frustrated by a child is understandable. But allowing that frustration to make you treat the child differently means that you've chosen the wrong job.

Thank you.

Lisha

Missharsham,

I hope you are doing ok.
I’d a similar situation with my childminder in that I realised my children were only being tolerated in childminders house for the money. I left them tgere as I thought things were okay and that they weren’t in harm. Matters come to a head and I pulled them out and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. If it means going sick from work to sort it then do it. I can’t believe how much happier my kids are. I’m also delighted not to be dealing with her anymore.

Don’t beat yourself up, you did what you could and you trusted her. That doesn’t make you a bad person. But she failed her chance and now your children come first. When things settle the wetting should abate. Friends if mine have had great success combating the wetting using play therapy. The play therapy would also give your daughter a safe space and the opportunity to talk and process through her experience with the minder.

Don’t beat yourself up. You will get past this and your daughter will be ok. Best of luck and remember we can’t change the past we can only mould our future.

Best of luck

Lisha

Oh and I must add the hardest part of being a working parent is trying to find affordable childcare that you can trust.
It sucks at times.

Kevin Finnerty

I agree wholeheartedly with Lishas assessment up there OP.
Just to say that there might be "concentration issues" at school. She's four, and more than likely worried and upset about the goings on at tge childminders. Shes going to be preoccupied. I wouldn't chase down that avenue until I saw no improvement in her new set up( whatever that might be) after a period of time.
Best of luck.

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

Firstly, of course this is about the OP (and her toddler). She's the child mother and is her primary carer, not the childminder. I think you need to cut out the 'unfair' rubbish, it's not helpful to anyone. The OP is not posting on boards looking for sympathy or a hug, she's looking for advice. I am not trying to be harsh, you may well be a wonderful mother OP

Anyone with child care needs knows how difficult it is to get a place in a creche or childminder at the moment. That's up to the parents or guardians to address. Just because places are hard to come by is not excuse to leave a child in a situation where the child is not getting the care he or she needs and deserves.

If the child is wetting herself at home and in the childminders, then the parents should address this issue. Not the childminder. While the child minder should not alienate the child due to the issue, it's not their issue to address.

The OP has reached out for advice, so she's addressing the issue. A lot of parents don't bother their backside, with the attitude 'sure it'll do'.

OP, I would have a word to your GP, rule out any underlining medical condition and it will also give yourself some peace of mind.

Best of luck and I hope you find a more suitable childminder soon.

Ghekko

I'd say your daughters wetting incidents may well decrease now. It could all have been about the childminder and her not being happy there. Give it a week with regular reminders to pee, and see how she gets on.

pwurple

splinter65 wrote: »

. Modern family life is stressful but you have to make your child’s wellbeing your absolute priority.
Right now you have to take parental leave or holidays if possible and spend time at home on one to one with the 4 year old.

Assumption that reeks of pure privilege. It is as much the OP's responsibility to provide a roof over the child's head and feed them, as it is to "spend time" with them. Maslovs heirarchy. You prioritise basics like food first, then security, then love and then when all those are fulfilled, self-esteem can come into the mix. You don't know if they are a single parent, if the father of the child is ill/disabled/ out of work and they rely on one wage... whether there are other people to look after, what their financial situation is. You do the best you bloody can, with what you have. We all do.

She is old enough to understand that it is very important that she stops what she’s doing as soon as she needs to go to the toilet. It’s your job to help her to understand this. It’s part of her discovering that we can’t always do what we want or get what we want. She has to feel that she has achieved a goal and overcome a hurdle by mastering the art of using the toilet before her bladder gets the better of her.

Is that so? I know an 8 year old you regularly wets herself, and has been finally diagnosed with a bladder problem and is scheduled for surgery to correct. It may not be something the child can control at all, and every finger-wagging lecture in the world to this toddler may not fix.

shesty

To be honest OP-if she only has a toddler and has started minding in March, I wouldn't go back there.Sounds awful but if she hasn't been through the potty training etc with her own kids (and apologies if she has) and has no childcare background, then she hasn't a clue how to deal with it.Experience teaches you more than anything else on these things. My own four year old leaves going to the loo for the longest possible time and all of her accidents are due to FOMO (as my OH says),(fear of missing out!) Which is absolutely normal for that age group, and the minder should know that.

Long term maybe take your time to find a new situation if you can and make sure it's one that fits well.Also in a way you were better off she said it to you that she can't take the child anymore because it just made the decison for you.I know it's inconvenient in the short term, but it's better for you and your daughter in the long term.

Neyite

Many kids of that age - especially if engrossed in play or screens, need regular reminders to go to the loo. My lad is 6 and while he doesn't have accidents, I see him sitting there holding onto it for dear life because he's on his tablet and have to remind him. If the CM's only experience of children is her own child in nappies she probably doesn't even remember to check with your daughter if she needs the toilet. If I had a child who was having accidents in my charge I'd be prompting her to try to go and giving frequent reminders or taking her to the loo every hour or so.

Add into that if the child has no cordial relationship with the childminder - which it doesn't sound like she has, she may feel very hesitant or scared in asking to go to the bathroom - which is upstairs, presumably the other side of a childproof stairgate.

So both of those would increase incidences of accidents. You might find that her toileting improves in a newer setting once she's settled in. If it stays the same, it might be worth ruling any medical issues out just for your own peace of mind.

misshaversham

Neyite wrote: »

Add into that if the child has no cordial relationship with the childminder - which it doesn't sound like she has, she may feel very hesitant or scared in asking to go to the bathroom - which is upstairs, presumably the other side of a childproof stairgate.

Thanks. Yes, that's my feeling too. That wetting herself became a huge issue due to how the childminder handled it, and some behaviours developed around it - somewhere between nervousness and a 'dirty protest'.

I'm so angry though. At myself and also at this woman.

I think I made a BIG mistake becoming friendly with her. If someone had told me cold that they put my child in a corner for half an hour for wetting herself I would have reported them... but I wanted to believe the best of this person... and I hurt my child

Neyite

Don't beat yourself up about it. We will all make decisions relating to our children that we will look back and wish we did it differently. All part and parcel of parenting.



It's worth discussing with the next potential childminder that toileting problems either arose or were exacerbated in the previous place and that for the next few months you will be focusing on resolving it at home and it will need to be reinforced during the daytime too. A good childminder will understand that nearly all preschoolers will have a toileting issue at some point and will know how to work with the child (and you) to resolve the issue. You may have to go back to basics with her, regular reminders, prompts, charts. And it may not resolve itself until she's settled in and feels more secure. But I'm sure she'll get there - she seems like a bright kid who had her minder well sussed.

misshaversham

Yeah to get her back with a lady who minded her when she was little. This lady is more mature, fully qualified, a very experienced mother, has a toilet downstairs & is really sound. Waiting to hear back from her...

Ironically she had a place for my little one in Sept but I stupidly decided to stick with idiot childminder instead cause I thought little one would 'settle' :mad::(

Sickened.

Ghekko

misshaversham wrote: »

Yeah to get her back with a lady who minded her when she was little. This lady is more mature, fully qualified, a very experienced mother, has a toilet downstairs & is really sound. Waiting to hear back from her...

Ironically she had a place for my little one in Sept but I stupidly decided to stick with idiot childminder instead cause I thought little one would 'settle' :mad::(

Sickened.

Hope she has a place for your kids. And from this moment stop beating yourself up. We had a shocking incident with a childminder. Things had been going on for ages before we realised. We moved the kids straight away once we found out and put it behind us, despite the anger and annoyance it caused. Otherwise we would have been driven nuts thinking about what ifs. Your daughter will be grand, she'll move on from it quickly and hopefully the wetting will stop soon when she's in a better, more tolearnt and suitable environment.

shesty

Don't beat yourself up OP, there's too much stuff out there you can guilt yourself about as a parent.You'd go mad.Look, our 4.5 year old has had some wetting incidents in recent weeks, we have builders in and she seems to be very reluctant to go while the men are walking in and out.What can I do?On the other extreme, I have had to hold off toilet training my two year old due to the same builders and now I am freaking out slightly that I will have missed the window for it with her and I have damaged her somehow.You can't get it all perfect.I'm sure your four year old will be fine once the pressure is taken off her (has she wet much since she left there??), and things will naturally improve.And fingers crossed for you that you get your good childminder back.