Confusion over 1st LTR

Michealh86

I'm in a confusing situation, not married or engaged yet. Early 30s started going out together at 19, 1st partner. We changed and matured differently, and unfortunately we haven't communicated enough recently. I changed careers a number of years ago to a much higher paid professional role with more responsibilities. My goals have now changed from marriage, kids etc in the near future to further education as my career has now opened other avenues. My partner settled in her role 3-4 years ago and while unhappy doesn't want to change it, which is OK.

Communication with my partner has always been difficult due to the fact that they are quick towards anger where I was previously reserved(since changing careers Iv learned to say no, its a requirement to survive in my role) and this has caused strife.

I now realise I'm not who I was at 19 and the heartbreaking thing is I'm thinking of breaking this persons heart and finishing it. But I've never done this before as its my 1st relationship and my god is my head a mess. Iv also seen a therapist but I find it doesn't help, I just don't want to cause grief on a personal level. I am starting to feel depressed as a consequence of the decision I have to make. Has anyone else been in a similar situation??

Wheety

Sometimes we just grow apart. From teenage years to your 30s some people change so much and others stay the same. I wouldn't say either is wrong but you might find you are no longer compatible with the same people.

Only you can really decide if it's over. You should probably try and talk to your partner and see if they feel the same, as hard as that will be to bring up.

Michealh86

Thanks for the reply Wheety. To be honest my biggest changes have probably happened in the last 2 years, up to that, the previous 10 were quiet similar, I was almost drifting after college in a busy but dead end career, nights out and holidays were all I was concerned with. Now I see a different future but it doesn't make my decision any easier!

Twenty Grand

People mature differently and everyone's outlook changes over time.

I was in a similar position to you a few years back.

With a girl for 5 years since she was 19 and i was 22. We went from talking of marriage to breaking up within the space of 4 months.

Just turned out her long term plans were incompatible with mine. Love her to bits but we'd have killed each other in the long term, and when you factor in kids, mortgage and other stuff, it could have been a disaster.

Michealh86

Twenty Grand your experience is what I'm going through. Marriage was discussed recently and I had said yes in the future but recently I know deep down it would be a disaster with mortgage kids etc.
We had a frank discussion recently but she said I had wasted her life if we split.
My family like her and that's also influencing my decision even though it shouldn't!

wiggle16

A lot of people are going to recommend going to counselling together, and after what, 11+ years together, that's understandable and it's always on the cards. But unfortunately it sounds to a certain extent like you have made your mind up already.

Whether the decision is made or not, you need to stop bottling this up and tell her how you feel. That conversation need not be the end of it. You could find after an honest talk that your feelings are not what they were and that you are both willing to work on it. Or, it might cement it for you that leaving is the right thing to do. You won't know until you talk to her.

Regardless of whatever in particular is pushing you to leave, don't stay just because you don't want to hurt the other person. I stayed with someone a lot longer than I should have because I couldn't stand the thoughts of hurting him, I actually could not bear seeing him cry. But I should not have done that. You can love someone dearly, but if you are not happy in a relationship then that is not enough.

I'll just say as well that while this is your first and only LTR, rest assured that no matter how many times you might do this in your life, it never gets any easier or better - no one ever really knows what they're doing during a break up. Everyone ad-libs.

Good luck either way OP x

Xterminator

Hi Op

Perhaps more could be attempted to repair this LTR before discarding it?

Even if it doesn't make the relationship work; there is benefit to sitting down with a professional and examining the was you communicate, how you are at present and your future goals etc.

See if she will be willing to work on the relationship via counselling. If it doesn't work you will at least learn some lessons, but from what you are saying she is reluctant to throw it all away, so perhaps she will agree to see if you can make it work!

Ghekko

Good idea to try counselling if you feel the relationship is worth saving. At least in counselling you can address issues in a neutral setting. She has to take responsibility too - it's not just you who changed in the past few years. If she has issues communicating and resorting to anger then she needs to address that. At least if you both went to counselling, each said your piece, you can then determine if you want to continue with the relationship. Make the decision for you and not to spare her feelings. You didn't waste the last few years of her life by being with her - that's a nasty thing for her to hold over you. And the fact she said it suggests she also knows the relationship isn't right. As for family liking her or wondering what others might think or say - that's of no consequence in your decision making.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there

I think from 19 to your 30s you have already been through a lot and yet you have stayed together.

Therapy wont help as the only person you can talk to is your partner.

I would sit her down and be honest and tell he what you are thinking. Tell her you want more ambition as a unit.

You dont mention anything about love, or sex or companionship or whether you want to see other people.

Terminating the relationship seems to be a quick fix but it often is not.

Sometimes the grass is greener but all relationships are about compromise and changing over time and adjusting to that change.

Marriage isnt any easier or a quick fix.

Talk to your partner. She might feel the same or differently.

At least give her that before you end such a long term relationiship.

woodchuck

Michealh86 wrote: »

My goals have now changed from marriage, kids etc in the near future to further education as my career has now opened other avenues.

OP have you talked to your partner about this? I'm guessing not, since you said communication is lacking. Is this the main reason you're thinking of breaking up?

This is a really important conversation that you should have together. She might surprise you and be supportive of you going back to further education. And it doesn't actually rule out getting married and having kids.

zoobizoo

Michealh86 wrote: »

My partner settled in her role 3-4 years ago and while unhappy doesn't want to change it, which is OK.

Communication with my partner has always been difficult due to the fact that they are quick towards anger where I was previously reserved..... and this has caused strife.

So it sounds as if you've become more confident in yourself, have started planning out a life that you want, rather than just drift, and that is commendable.

She on the other hand has decided to settle for unhappiness in her position - now this could be down to many things.

Maybe she hasn't the confidence to change but wants to or hasn't yet found the confidence to make her feel the same way as you do. Or maybe she just doesn't want to.

She may need support in this if she is to change - then again, she may never change.

I've gone from being unemployed and engaged to being married and in a job I never thought I'd have earning a salary I didn't think I would earn and a lot of it is down to her love and support. And we'v just had a baby.

Talk to her.

PawneeRanger

Ghekko wrote: »

You didn't waste the last few years of her life by being with her - that's a nasty thing for her to hold over you. And the fact she said it suggests she also knows the relationship isn't right.

Or she has possibly just been confronted with the prospect of her relationship ending and along with it her plans for marriage and children. She's in her 30's and could very well be thinking that her chance of having kids is about to walk out the door. If the OP had told her up until this point that they would be taking that step, then her reaction, while knee-jerk, is not "nasty".

OP, if you don't want to be in this relationship you need to end it now.
If children is something your partner really wants, you need to let her go while she still has time. Dragging this out will only cause more damage.

Honeydew3456

Hi Op, just my two cents. I got married to the guy I was with aged 18. We had poor communication skills which became apparant as we got older, however we went through motions of the buying a house together, getting engaged, getting married and having children, which were probably distractions from the shaky foundations of our relationship. In hindsight we should have done counselling before marraige to address this. I remember wanting to break up at the engagement stage but felt I couldn't as we had been together so long. Kept hoping it would get better.

We are now seperated. The lack of communcation, his anger issues (and more) eventually led to resentment and me having no respect or trust in him. Turns out we both wanted very different things from family life/life in general.

I guess what I am trying to say is, couples counselling could be just the thing for you both and if you still don't feel any better from it or that you are both working towards different goals/no improvement in communication it may be best to take a break for a while to reasses it. Sometimes being in a relationship can be a lonely place.

never_mind

People change bbz, embrace it!