Heartbroken and scared.

Purple Mountain

That must sting no doubt.
Acknowledge your hurt, don't bottle it up.
Have a good cry day tomorrow and be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself to a blow dry or movie.
Then start Sunday morning off a new.
Remember how far you've come in the past 2 months and the 2 new people who have brought a bit of joy into your home. Think of all the nice things you can now do for yourself. Your children are reared. Your time is your own.
You have a bit more financial independence with the lodgers. These are all great steps.
January is a time to start thinking about spring cleaning. Literally and metaphorically.
I find throwing opening the windows and a good scrub and polish gives a new life to the house after the winter months.
Then do a little spring clean on yourself.
Girlcrew? Solo travel excursions? Maybe start to think about dipping your toe back in the dating scene?
Sincere good luck!

Red Lightning

KathleenGrant wrote:

He has a new partner. My brother just rang me to say that he met him out in a restaurant with a woman, and they were definitely together. He rang me at work and I had to go home. I actually felt physically sick and weak. My hands are shaking and I can barely type. I knew it was most likely why he left but I am devastated to know it is a reality. Of course she is younger and prettier. Why wouldn't he want her instead of me. But I am distraught.

Feck him. If that's the way he wants to treat you then let this other woman deal with his bullsh1t. Even though it hurts, you had a lucky escape here. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just cos you think she's more prettier than you, doesn't mean many others do. Btw that asswipe of an ex doesn't count here.
Get out and start enjoying life. This time next year you'll be laughing at that fool of an ex.

LegacyUser

You're flying it, OP!
Kept the roof over your head.
Got the financial situation under control.
Chose 2 great housemates who are considerate& good craic& have the same interests as you.
Your ex can go mess with some other girls head& heart. You deserve more,& by the sounds of things, you're on track for a much better life.
Onwards & upwards for 2019!

stargazer 68

Op you are well rid and you know you are! Trust me things aren't all as rosy for him as it might seem. In the back of her mind will be 'he cheated with me so will he cheat on me'. She will be keeping a close eye on him and his phone etc.

2019 is a new year and new you!

Sunflower 27

Dccx wrote: »

You're flying it, OP!
Kept the roof over your head.
Got the financial situation under control.
Chose 2 great housemates who are considerate& good craic& have the same interests as you.
Your ex can go mess with some other girls head& heart. You deserve more,& by the sounds of things, you're on track for a much better life.
Onwards & upwards for 2019!

This.

Look at what you have achieved in spite of your heartbreak. You are going to be just fine.

One day at a time, and treat yourself as much as you can afford in the short-term.

yermandan

Very best of luck to you in your new chapter Kathleen

Jenneke87

That must have been tough to hear. And about the " fact" that she's younger and prettier....She's stuck with a cheater who left his partner in a disgraceful manner. I doubt they're as happy as you think they are. If my relationship started like that I don't think I could ever fully relax and let my guard down.

The news will sting for a while, no doubt and that's okay, this also needs to be processed.Take all the time you need for that but don't lose sight of all the things you have achieved so far. I hope 2019 will be a fantastic year for you! Take care.

Ursus Horribilis

KathleenGrant wrote: »

...what hurts is that he swore to me there was nobody else when he was leaving and there was.

I wouldn't get too hung up on that. Cheaters usually admit to as little as they can get away with. So really, it's a case of "He would say that, wouldn't he?". The other are spot on. He might have this piece of younger totty on his arm but the way he moved from a long term relationship (was marriage ever on the cards?) to her says a lot about him as a person. She may have got her man but she also has someone who was happy to cheat. Someone who left his partner without a backwards glance and left her to pick up the pieces. Relationships break up all the time but he has not covered himself in glory for the way he ended this one.

KathleenGrant

Hi, OP here. Moving on with my life. Finances still really hard but coping. Something strange happened. My housemates were out last night when I got home from work but one of them just told me that a woman was here last night. She knew I was at work but she called to leave a phone number. She wants to talk to me. I think it is my ex's new woman. I can't be sure because it is a common name but she fits the description. Should I burn the number or ring her? I want to move on with my life and concentrate on me but i am curious of course.

LegacyUser

Sounds a bit strange. Even if you are curious to know what she wants, I wouldn't make contact. Hold off and see does she call round again if it's something important.

Sephiroth_dude

If it was me I would probably ring just too see what she wanted, curious and all that but follow your gut, what is that telling you?

Big Bag of Chips

If it is your ex's new woman then do not get involved. Anything that happened in your relationship is between you and him. Anything that's happening in their relationship is between her and him. You do not have to have any contact with her. You have no responsibility to her, or him. You don't need to get sucked in to whatever it is.

There's a chance it's not her. I think I would wait to see does she try contact you again. As the poster above mentioned, if it's something important she'll get back to you.

KathleenGrant

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

If it was me I would probably ring just too see what she wanted, curious and all that but follow your gut, what is that telling you?

My gut is telling me that it has been hard to claw my way to where I am now and I need to focus on me and not risk a setback. Yes I am curious but self preservation is stronger. I have not spoken about him or her to anyone so it is not a confrontation. There is some niggle telling me he is very ill or in hospital and she thought I should know. But If so again I need to worry about me, they can worry about him.

KathleenGrant

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If it is your ex's new woman then do not get involved. Anything that happened in your relationship is between you and him. Anything that's happening in their relationship is between her and him. You do not have to have any contact with her.

I wouldn't think it's relationship really. Why would she be contacting me now if it was this? Anyway as you say, I don't have to have contact. I burned the number. If it was important at least she knows she tried.

Big Bag of Chips

If my ex was sick in hospital I certainly wouldn't expect his new gf, who I've never met to be the one to contact me. He's probably not sick in hospital!

You never know, if it is her, he could be filling her head with all sorts. And she wanted to get your version. He might be stringing her along and she's coming to you for some insight.

Again, whatever it is it's none of your concern. You're right with wanting to protect yourself.

And then it might not be her at all.. It could be someone trying to sign you up to be a Forever Living agent or something!!

KathleenGrant

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You never know, if it is her, he could be filling her head with all sorts. And she wanted to get your version. He might be stringing her along and she's coming to you for some insight.

Again, whatever it is it's none of your concern. You're right with wanting to protect yourself.

Well if it is this you can be sure I won't be getting involved. If it turns out she has doubts already then the relationship is in trouble but I won't be giving him the chance to say that I interfered in it or damaged it in any way. He can have the responsibility for doing that all by himself.

Sephiroth_dude

KathleenGrant wrote: »

My gut is telling me that it has been hard to claw my way to where I am now and I need to focus on me and not risk a setback. Yes I am curious but self preservation is stronger. I have not spoken about him or her to anyone so it is not a confrontation. There is some niggle telling me he is very ill or in hospital and she thought I should know. But If so again I need to worry about me, they can worry about him.

If he is ill, well that's not your problem or your concern, as cold as that might sound.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah, good to see you burned the number. You wouldn't be human if you weren't curious to know why she called (if it is her) but I can't see any good coming of a phone call. My instinct tells me the visit was for her benefit, not yours. My guess is that either she is uneasy about what she has got herself into or he has been filling her head with lies and she now thinks you're interfering in some way. Either way, she's welcome to him.

In the unlikely event he is ill, word will trickle back to you anyway.

Lisha

Good for you Kathleen, you don’t need to be dragged into any drama. You are doing amazingly well. Be proud of yourself and just keep on keeping on.
I think you are simply amazing.

Kidchameleon

Much of the advise given on this thread while well meaning, does not really help the OP long term. People are making out the the OP's ex just up'd and walked out over night. The reality is he probably thought about it for a very long time. A 10 year relationship is a huge thing to leave behind.

OP I do not mean to be harsh here but I dont think he really needs to explain to you why he walked out, you almost certainly know why he did, you were with him for 10 years. You need to face up to that and do some soul searching or your next relationship will fail for the same reasons this one did. He does not owe you anything & if he chooses not to explain things to you then that is his choice. Relationships can be tough, so can breakups & the risks are something as adults we must accept or stay single.

There is no point telling the OP that its all his fault, that kind of advise hurts people in the long run because lessons dont get learned, just brushed under the carpet.

The OP's ex does not have "some cheek" walking out. He is free to do as he wishes. I doubt the OP would be happy for him to stay if he is miserable anyway

Ursus Horribilis

He was perfectly entitled to split from her. From what she has told us, the relationship was faltering anyway. My issue is with the underhand way he ended things.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Much of the advise given on this thread while well meaning, does not really help the OP long term. People are making out the the OP's ex just up'd and walked out over night. The reality is he probably thought about it for a very long time. A 10 year relationship is a huge thing to leave behind.

OP I do not mean to be harsh here but I dont think he really needs to explain to you why he walked out, you almost certainly know why he did, you were with him for 10 years. You need to face up to that and do some soul searching or your next relationship will fail for the same reasons this one did. He does not owe you anything & if he chooses not to explain things to you then that is his choice. Relationships can be tough, so can breakups & the risks are something as adults we must accept or stay single.

There is no point telling the OP that its all his fault, that kind of advise hurts people in the long run because lessons dont get learned, just brushed under the carpet.

The OP's ex does not have "some cheek" walking out. He is free to do as he wishes. I doubt the OP would be happy for him to stay if he is miserable anyway

A ten year relationship is a big thing to leave, and he probably was thinking about for ages and certainly had it planned, even seems to have had enough mental space to have another relationship lined up.

Despite all the thinking it over and planning he'd done, he left her with an hour's notice, with no apparent concern and certainly no material help for her keeping a roof over her head (skipping his turn at the rent in fact).

He's free to do as he wishes, and he apparently wished to act like a complete shít. From Kathleen's very first post she's been acknowledging that she'd been ignoring distance between them, been preoccupied with family matters.

He did this in the way that meant the least unpleasantness for himself, letting her think the relationship was ongoing when he'd obviously emotionally checked out of it, waiting until he had a new flat, new woman organised before dropping a bombshell on her. There's no nice way to end a LTR but this was a selfish, cowardly, coldhearted way to do it.

KathleenGrant

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Much of the advise given on this thread while well meaning, does not really help the OP long term. People are making out the the OP's ex just up'd and walked out over night. The reality is he probably thought about it for a very long time. A 10 year relationship is a huge thing to leave behind.

OP I do not mean to be harsh here but I dont think he really needs to explain to you why he walked out, you almost certainly know why he did, you were with him for 10 years. You need to face up to that and do some soul searching or your next relationship will fail for the same reasons this one did. He does not owe you anything & if he chooses not to explain things to you then that is his choice. Relationships can be tough, so can breakups & the risks are something as adults we must accept or stay single.

There is no point telling the OP that its all his fault, that kind of advise hurts people in the long run because lessons dont get learned, just brushed under the carpet.

The OP's ex does not have "some cheek" walking out. He is free to do as he wishes. I doubt the OP would be happy for him to stay if he is miserable anyway

I need to do some soul searching so my next relationship does not fail!!!!..... this was not my relationship, it was ours and if the relationship failed, the fault was not all mine. A ten year relationship may be hard to walk out on but if it is hard you try to avoid that by talking to the person, discussing issues, soul searching and trying to work together. This is a man who refused to talk about anything. This is a man who didn't support me in two major personal issues in my life because he had "already committed to playing a golfing tournament" I didn't this before because the thread was only about how I could pick up the pieces of my broken life. If you like I can write plenty about fault but it will be on both sides, more his than mine.

I never asked him to stay nor would not. He doesn't have a cheek walking out, I have more respect for him and more self respect than to want any man to stay with me if he does not want to. BUT he has a cheek walking out at an hour's notice and stealing from me by not paying two months rent he should have paid when he knows I am under pressure already. That should tell you something about the character of my ex. You may think he has no fault but I think he has no emotional intelligence for not trying to fix the problem, no decency for stealing from me and no balls for running out the door at an hour's notice with no explanation

Kidchameleon

Plenty of red flags there, next time you spot a red flag in a partner, its best to deal with it there and then rather than be stung 10 years down the line. I agree with you that you both contributed to this but trying to lay more of the blame at his door is not going to change anything now but it will fill you with resentment. You need to move on from this.

One thing you will have to understand is that men and women deal with emotional situations differently, a woman will generally talk about her feelings while a man may try get away from it all by, for example, playing sports. It is how we as a species have evolved. It is harsh to accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence for acting like most men do in such situations. You cannot force someone to talk.

I hope it is just an oversight on his part regarding the rent money, please understand that he is mourning the relationship also and you say he is ill? Is he out of work because of his illness? Perhaps a gentle reminder about it would be the best approach.

amdublin

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Plenty of red flags there, next time you spot a red flag in a partner, its best to deal with it there and then rather than be stung 10 years down the line. I agree with you that you both contributed to this but trying to lay more of the blame at his door is not going to change anything now but it will fill you with resentment. You need to move on from this.

One thing you will have to understand is that men and women deal with emotional situations differently, a woman will generally talk about her feelings while a man may try get away from it all by, for example, playing sports. It is how we as a species have evolved. It is harsh to accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence for acting like most men do in such situations. You cannot force someone to talk.

I hope it is just an oversight on his part regarding the rent money, please understand that he is mourning the relationship also and you say he is ill? Is he out of work because of his illness? Perhaps a gentle reminder about it would be the best approach.

Get away with your victim blaming would you.

The op was treated very poorly by someone she was in a relationship and has dealt with that admirable (go Kathleen!).

Your advice to her here is unhelpful and mean spirited. I sincerely hope none of your friends go to you for your "advice and help" in real life. Life is tough enough without making someone feel worse.

Op. Stay strong. And stay away from that woman who called. You're doing great.

(My theory is she wants to get your version of events he has told her. No doubt there will be lies in there. You owe nothing to either of them, stay well clear imo)

wiggle16

I meant to reply to this a couple of days ago to say: I'm glad you burned the number.

We can only speculate on why she would have wanted to contact you, but I would very, very strongly suspect it's that she's realised that something he told her before he left isn't true or no longer makes sense. She wanted to verify something with you. Either way, it would have done you no good at all to have contact with her, and she was wrong to approach you - he's her problem now, warts and all. I'm so glad you burned the number - I probably wouldn't have been able to, in all honesty!

I think you are doing fantastically. You are going to have good days and bad days still, ten years takes a long time to get over, but on the bad days just remember "this too will pass".

Best of luck and keep your head up high

xx

Necro

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Plenty of red flags there, next time you spot a red flag in a partner, its best to deal with it there and then rather than be stung 10 years down the line. I agree with you that you both contributed to this but trying to lay more of the blame at his door is not going to change anything now but it will fill you with resentment. You need to move on from this.

One thing you will have to understand is that men and women deal with emotional situations differently, a woman will generally talk about her feelings while a man may try get away from it all by, for example, playing sports. It is how we as a species have evolved. It is harsh to accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence for acting like most men do in such situations. You cannot force someone to talk.

I hope it is just an oversight on his part regarding the rent money, please understand that he is mourning the relationship also and you say he is ill? Is he out of work because of his illness? Perhaps a gentle reminder about it would be the best approach.

Before you wade in and start blathering on with all the above nonsense, sometimes it's best to actually read the thread and the dates that this information was posted.

It's been over two months since her ex left the OP in the lurch for two months rent and with only an hour's notice, definitely not the way you make things out to be above.

He clearly does lack emotional intelligence as up and leaving, with kids involved (even if they are not his, it was a 10 year relationship so some form of bond or connection was bound to form) is an absolutely cowardly way to do it.

On top of that, he clearly had an exit strategy planned and a bit on the side - so he is definitely not the innocent party you attempt to make him out to be.

KathleenGrant

I am upset today, missing him and more likely missing being part of a couple.

I think I have been so busy working and trying to financially keep my head above water that I didn't grieve the loss of the relationship (or maybe if I am honest the loss of a relationship.

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone to unwind with. I miss physical contact with another person.

DeanAustin

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I am upset today, missing him and more likely missing being part of a couple.

I think I have been so busy working and trying to financially keep my head above water that I didn't grieve the loss of the relationship (or maybe if I am honest the loss of a relationship.

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone to unwind with. I miss physical contact with another person.

Haven’t read the whole thread but seen a few posts and you’ve been treated badly. Please don’t do anything stupid. Things are never as bad as you think - all the bad experiences I’ve ever had have never seemed as bad with the benefit of hindsight. It’s hard, really hard but just get through this and things will get better. Talk to someone please, it really helps.

amdublin

Aww I'm so sorry for you. There will be good days and bad days. This is a bad day but it will pass and the good days return. And the good will outweigh the bad.

He has been a sh1t but of course you miss the relationship and maybe even him a little too.

God bless your honesty. It's brave ackowledgingand typing what you did.

Please remember though this will pass and their is a brighter future out there for you

Lisha

I think you are right in saying you miss being part of a couple more than you miss him. In the long run being part of an unhappy couple would be soul destroying.

You are so brave to come this far. Keep your head high.
Do something today to make yourself feel good. You deserve to be happy and the worst is behind you.

Just keep on keeping on.
I think you are amazing

wiggle16

Hi Kathleen,

As the last couple of posters have said, you are going to have good days and bad days. You need to remember that the bad days will pass and become less frequent over time. The strength that comes across in your posts considering what has happened to you is astonishing and a credit to you. But please know that you do not have to deal with this on your own.

We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If you need help urgently and outside of GP hours, please go to your nearest A&E department.

Here at Boards.ie the moderators are not trained to support people experiencing difficulties. There are other organisations better positioned to provide specialised support. These organisations are listed below. I hope that you will follow these up so that you can get the help and support you need.

If you need immediate help:
Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click 'Contact us' to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email mary@pieta.ie for advice on getting an appointment.

If you need non-urgent help:
Aware have a support email service at supportmail@aware.ie

There are some other useful services that you can use also listed here.

Please look after yourself, Kathleen.

I'm afraid I have to close this thread for the moment pending moderator review. Thanks & grma to all who posted.

Wiggle

wiggle16

Mod note:

Thread reopened after moderator review & OP's request.

KathleenGrant

So I have gotten over my sad hump and feeling sorry for myself. I went to stay with a friend for a couple of days and it did me the world of good. I laoughed so hard last night i have pains in my jaws today. I said something about dark thoughts the other day which caused concern to people and i apologise. I PMd the Mod and explained what I meant. Those thoughts were of feeling tired of always working and being alone now and life not getting any easier and being dragged down They were honestly nothing more than that. I have 2 kids still dependent on me and i would never not fulfil my responsibilities to them. And then when they finish college I will be due so much payback it will take me years to spend it all!!

zapper55

You sound like a wonderful lady Kathleen. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

RhubarbCrumble

zapper55 wrote: »

You sound like a wonderful lady Kathleen. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Absolutely agree. You sound like an amazing lady Kathleen. You've been so strong throughout this. You deserve nothing but happiness.

amdublin

You've got this girl!

shesty

Ah Kathleen, I took it at face value - the hard hard work of having kids dependent on you, keeping all the balls in the air on top of everything else. You are amazing. And it won't always be like this. Ok, I know you probably don't feel ready at all, but who knows what might walk into your life in the future. You are in the process of healing, it's been very little time really and you do need to be nice to yourself. Hang in there, and don't be afraid to have a good cry sometimes....it can be cathartic I know you probably don't feel strong, you're just doing what you have to, but you are strong - you are inspiring.

KathleenGrant

Wow! Just realised it was 6 months yesterday and I didn't realise it. That must be a good sign.

Lisha

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Wow! Just realised it was 6 months yesterday and I didn't realise it. That must be a good sign.

Yaaaasss Kathleen you just keep on keeping on!! Good for you .

Seth Brundle

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Wow! Just realised it was 6 months yesterday and I didn't realise it. That must be a good sign.

Well done Kathleen.
I can only assume that it has been difficult but you've gotten through the worst.
Pat yourself on the back!

Kidchameleon

Well done!!!

RhubarbCrumble

Well done Kathleen. It sounds like you're doing great. You should be very proud of yourself

Ursus Horribilis

Well done Kathleen! Thanks for coming back with a positive update. May things continue to go well for you.

waxmelts2000

Well done Kathleen I am only 4 weeks in after my break up, I hope I can come back on this in 6 months with a positive update too!

Antares35

Valyawl wrote: »

Well done Kathleen I am only 4 weeks in after my break up, I hope I can come back on this in 6 months with a positive update too!

Hi, am new here! Just wanted to say a similar thing happened to me (he actually moved his things out while I was at work and I realised when I got home that it was over). I am 7 months on from that and with a wonderful guy that I hope to spend the rest of my life with! The first few weeks were the hardest and then things turned. I hope it all works out for you!

KathleenGrant

Valyawl wrote: »

Well done Kathleen I am only 4 weeks in after my break up, I hope I can come back on this in 6 months with a positive update too!

4 weeks after I was in bits. I could go nowhere but work and was avoiding everyone because I couldn't speak without breaking down. It took me a good few months to pick myself up but now I am in a very good place and positive about life. I am still not ready to be with anyone else though and I think sometimes I might not ever be.

waxmelts2000

Yes I am still extremely sad , teary etc. Work has been a distraction but I still have outbursts of tears at work and at home... Meanwhile he is online dating more or less straight away- it was as if our relationship meant nothing to him. 5 weeks today.

You are doing great Kathleen and thanks again for the update. Val.

KathleenGrant

Valyawl wrote: »

Yes I am still extremely sad , teary etc. Work has been a distraction but I still have outbursts of tears at work and at home... Meanwhile he is online dating more or less straight away- it was as if our relationship meant nothing to him. 5 weeks today.

You are doing great Kathleen and thanks again for the update. Val.

I cried and was sick for ages. Just like your case he moved on like i meant nothing. You know he is not worth it. I see now he is not what I thought he was and neither is your man.

Red Lightning

Valyawl wrote:

Yes I am still extremely sad , teary etc. Work has been a distraction but I still have outbursts of tears at work and at home... Meanwhile he is online dating more or less straight away- it was as if our relationship meant nothing to him. 5 weeks today.

That's normal for guys tho. Tinder seems to be a normal response to breaking up. Doesn't mean that ye meant nothing. Time will heal this no doubt. Doesn't mean it's not hard ATM tho. Look after yourself.