Heartbroken and scared.

waxmelts2000

Thanks Red Lightning

Red Lightning

Valyawl wrote:

Thanks Red Lightning

My friend was in the exact same position. Her ex was straight on tinder and 3 months later he's not in great shape.

wiggle16

Red Lightning wrote: »

That's normal for guys tho. Tinder seems to be a normal response to breaking up. Doesn't mean that ye meant nothing. Time will heal this no doubt. Doesn't mean it's not hard ATM tho. Look after yourself.

I will actually second this. I went on tinder for the first time not that long after leaving my ex... I definitely was not ready and did not actually want to meet anyone. It was more out of boredom, to fill the time and not really knowing what else to do. My ex got back in touch with me last year and he mentioned that he had also gone on tinder not that long after, for pretty much the same reasons. It definitely does not mean that the other person meant nothing.

Like Lightning, I'm not saying that's qualitative of anything or should mean much, just that it seems to be something some men do.

KathleenGrant

KathleenGrant wrote: »

4 weeks after I was in bits. I could go nowhere but work and was avoiding everyone because I couldn't speak without breaking down. It took me a good few months to pick myself up but now I am in a very good place and positive about life. I am still not ready to be with anyone else though and I think sometimes I might not ever be.

Famous last words. I have fallen for someone. Emotionally and physically. Nothing will ever happen and I can't even tell him. But positive to see I can care and I can lust again. Way-hay Kathleen might still have a future.

Lisha

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Famous last words. I have fallen for someone. Emotionally and physically. Nothing will ever happen and I can't even tell him. But positive to see I can care and I can lust again. Way-hay Kathleen might still have a future.

Lust on... no harm to fill your thoughts with fun maybe.

KathleenGrant

Lisha wrote: »

Lust on... no harm to fill your thoughts with fun maybe.

I have meetings with him on Mondays last thing at work so watch out men of Wexford.....I might be on the pull on Monday evenings.

wiggle16

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Famous last words. I have fallen for someone. Emotionally and physically. Nothing will ever happen and I can't even tell him. But positive to see I can care and I can lust again. Way-hay Kathleen might still have a future.

Of course you do!!

You've made great strides and have coped fantastically, even though this must have been incredibly difficult. You owe it to yourself to acknowledge that you have astonishing strength as a person and you have so much more to get out of life.

I'm glad you are finally seeing that there is a life still to be had after your ex. Him and his actions don't define you and his absence doesn't diminish you, not at all. Keep it up!

KathleenGrant

wiggle16 wrote: »

Of course you do!!

You've made great strides and have coped fantastically, even though this must have been incredibly difficult. You owe it to yourself to acknowledge that you have astonishing strength as a person and you have so much more to get out of life.

I'm glad you are finally seeing that there is a life still to be had after your ex. Him and his actions don't define you and his absence doesn't diminish you, not at all. Keep it up!

Thank you. Yes i have amazed myself not just by coping but by being positive and happier than I have been for years. I still hurt sometimes and I still miss him now and again but I am so glad that several days go by when I don't even think of him. And when he texts me now (He does every so often) my heart doesn't skip a beat any more. I just throw my eyes up to heaven and think "what does this idiot want now"

Kidchameleon

OP, if he ever texts you, dont read the message. Delete it straight away. Better still, block his number. He is not part of your life anymore, tell him this, tell him not to bother texting or contacting you again because you are over it and have moved on with your life.

Seth Brundle

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Thank you. Yes i have amazed myself not just by coping but by being positive and happier than I have been for years. I still hurt sometimes and I still miss him now and again but I am so glad that several days go by when I don't even think of him. And when he texts me now (He does every so often) my heart doesn't skip a beat any more. I just throw my eyes up to heaven and think "what does this idiot want now"

You've shown great mental and emotional strength and I think you've emerged from a really difficult situation as a confident person. Anyone who knows you will surely respect you for how you've coped with all this.
Best of luck. Ignore his texts as you're not responsible for him now.
Enjoy your new life, maybe even breaking a few hearts! I wish you well.

KathleenGrant

Out of the blue on Thurs I got a phonecall from my ex asking me to meet him. He had something to give me, a ring he found in the toolbox in the car that I thought I lost 2 years ago.for good. I met him and we had tea together. He asked me to take him back. I was stunned. Could hardly believe it.

wiggle16

Can't say I'm surprised!

What did you say?

KathleenGrant

wiggle16 wrote: »

Can't say I'm surprised!

What did you say?

You're not surprised? Really? I was gobsmacked, couldn't speak for ages.

Tuesday_Girl

They always come crawling back.

It obviously hasn't worked out with his new woman so he's hoping he can worm his way back in with you now.

Lisha

Oh Kathleen I wish I knew what advice to give you. (I kinda want to say tell him feic off as you have survived after him and you deserve so much better. But only you know yourself and only you know what’s best for you.)

The very best of luck. I wish you nothing but the best.

Dial Hard

I think meeting him was a mistake. He could have posted the ring back to you or even dropped it through your letterbox. I get the impression the meeting has knocked you back a good bit. All I will say is go back and read your original post and remember what it was like to feel that way.

Virgil°

Dial Hard wrote: »

All I will say is go back and read your original post and remember what it was like to feel that way.

Yup. Remember that gut punched/can't sleep/can't eat/enjoy nothing feeling? That's what waiting for you again with this lad. Nothing else. Since you've twice now not answered whether or not you plan on taking him back is it safe to say you've already agreed or are considering it?
Just remember:

Tuesday_Girl wrote:

It obviously hasn't worked out with his new woman so he's hoping he can worm his way back in with you now.

If you decided to take him back you're accepting that you are only as good as a plan B, his second choice(potentially lower? Who knows what he was up to). Can you live with that knowledge? Do you think that's all you're worth? A reluctantly given silver medal?

From my experience peoples emotions rarely change on a whim Kathleen. He said it himself. He'd not been happy for a while so he decided to leave. He's only back now because he's got nothing better. He didn't suddenly realise hes still deeply in love with you. And I'd bet every red cent to my name that you won't see him for dust the next time he gets another offer.

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear, this is such a disappointing turn of events. Sorry to burst your bubble Kathleen but I agree with the others who say you made a huge mistake in going to meet him. I had a nagging feeling that your "I'm doing great now" updates were too good to be true. But was hoping I was wrong. Maybe even you were lying to yourself.

Look, you're a grown woman and you're free to make your own choices. I find it very hard to believe that taking your ex back will end well. Through his behaviour at the time of the break up, he told you what sort of person he was. Be careful that loneliness, smooth words, fear of the future and rose tinted glasses aren't leading you down a dangerous road.

wiggle16

KathleenGrant wrote: »

You're not surprised? Really? I was gobsmacked, couldn't speak for ages.

No, not surprised at all. That's not to say you shouldn't be. But people who suddenly walk out on a long term partner out of the blue, more often than not they come back with their tail between their legs at some stage. Doesn't always happen but it makes sense when it does.

He left you to be with this other woman. Up until that moment their dynamic was different, they were working around his routine as a man in a long term relationship. He had everything his own way, everything was on his terms. Now he's probably realising that she's not as much fun when she's a full time girlfriend.... and that's probably because she's realised that wistfully waiting for the day that your illicit lover leaves their partner to be with you is way more romantic than finding out what they're really like as a partner, after the fact. The grass is always greener.

Remember when she left you her number wanting to speak to you? I think there's only one reason really why she would do that: something he was telling her before he left you, stopped making sense shortly after he left you. She wanted to verify something with you. Maybe she figured out what it was and ended things with him, or it's caused friction. And she's just not as much fun as she was this time last year. Poor petal.

Either way it's not working out like he'd planned, it seldom does.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to remember how it made you feel when he left, as another poster has said. He did that to you. He walked out on your for someone else. He did it to you, he'd do it again, and if they're still together then that's what he's about to do to her.
You also need to remember that whatever he's told you when he asked if you could get back together is whatever was most advantageous to him for you to hear. He will tell you as little as he can get away with telling you.

I wouldn't touch off him with someone else's barge pole if it were me. I wouldn't take him back Kathleen.

You have done amazingly over the last few months. I wish you luck with whatever you decide, I just hope you do what's right for you. x

Sephiroth_dude

Hope ya told the creep where to go.

KathleenGrant

I am in work so it's not easy for me update. I don't feel it was in the least a mistake to meet him. I would not have gone if I didn't feel able for the meeting. I have lost weight, I have a new hairstyle, I look and feel better than I have for years. I have an air of confidence and contentment about me i thought i would never have again.

Yes, I was gobsmacked he asked me to come back but it has not thrown me in the way people here think. I was just amazed that he thought I would. I thanked him for the ring and the tea but told him I didn't want him bsck. He asked was there someone else and I told him that it was better if we didn't discuss our private lives with each other.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you blocked his number and have decided that you never want to meet him again.

Virgil°

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Yes, I was gobsmacked he asked me to come back but it has not thrown me in the way people here think. I was just amazed that he thought I would. I thanked him for the ring and the tea but told him I didn't want him bsck. He asked was there someone else and I told him that it was better if we didn't discuss our private lives with each other.

I legit breathed a sigh of relief reading that. Glad my suspicions were misplaced.
Well done Kathleen. It takes more strength of character than you know to do what you did. So many people fall into this easy trap(myself included in the past). So its nice to see you held out.
I guarantee you your resolve here will pay you back tenfold in future if it hasn't already.

Sephiroth_dude

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I am in work so it's not easy for me update. I don't feel it was in the least a mistake to meet him. I would not have gone if I didn't feel able for the meeting. I have lost weight, I have a new hairstyle, I look and feel better than I have for years. I have an air of confidence and contentment about me i thought i would never have again.

Yes, I was gobsmacked he asked me to come back but it has not thrown me in the way people here think. I was just amazed that he thought I would. I thanked him for the ring and the tea but told him I didn't want him bsck. He asked was there someone else and I told him that it was better if we didn't discuss our private lives with each other.

Fair play to ya!

Purple Mountain

You'll be so relieved when your Mr Right shows up that you gave the ex his p45.

dmm82

First time posting in this thread but I just wanted to say fair play to you Kathleen, it shows how strong you have become. You'll look back on this and be so proud of yourself!

KathleenGrant

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You'll be so relieved when your Mr Right shows up that you gave the ex his p45.

I don't even know if there is such a thing as Mr. Right but I don't even mind. 6 months ago the future terrified me. Now I feel content as I am and if someone comes along it will be a bonus.

Neyite

You legend.

This is the best revenge on an ex ever - you turning up all fabulous and gorgeous and politely turning him down. You've been nothing but classy and dignified from the start despite the callous way he dumped you. You were always better than him, but you just didn't see it before.

ToxicPaddy

I'm very impressed with you Kathleen. I've been following this thread for a while and it's great to have such an update.

I have to say one thing, you're amazing.

sportsfan90

Well done Kathleen..

I won't lie I was fearing the worst when you said you met up with him but I'm delighted for you that you were able to turn him down. And all while maintaining your class.

We all have character forming experiences in our lives - You'll look back on this in years to come as one of those.

Hannibal_Smith

Did he break up with the girlfriend?

Delighted it's all going so well Kathleen. That's a fantastic way to leave things

Goodigal

Long time follower of this thread. So happy to hear you played a good hand and didn't encourage any chat, and didn't listen to his rubbish. It shows how time heals you, and you have grown as a person, and you KNOW you don't need him. Ex DH destroyed me emotionally but 18 months on, I am the strongest person I can be. He can see it and doesn't like it. Stay strong, and like you say, meeting a new person would be lovely, but it's not the be all and end all. Keep going as you are. The new you!
PS Am cringing that he thought bringing the ring would be some kind of excuse. Sad little man!

RhubarbCrumble

Oh Kathleen, I'm absolutely delighted for you that you told him where to go. Well done you. You've been doing so well the last few months so delighted to hear that you're not going to take him back after he came crawling!

Onwards and upwards Missus

KathleenGrant

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Did he break up with the girlfriend?

Delighted it's all going so well Kathleen. That's a fantastic way to leave things

I didn't ask him if they broke up but I assume so. It's funny but I don't really care. And I don't get any satisfaction from it if they did. I don't get any satisfaction from him asking me back. I am so over him.

.......

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I didn't ask him if they broke up but I assume so. It's funny but I don't really care. And I don't get any satisfaction from it if they did. I don't get any satisfaction from him asking me back. I am so over him.

This is a great post.

The best revenge is to simply not care what the other person is doing.

Wanderer78

....... wrote:

The best revenge is to simply not care what the other person is doing.

Is revenge actually required, or is acceptance a better approach?

Kidchameleon

You should have told him to post the ring to you. Or better still, tell him to give it to charity. Actually, why did you respond at all? Why isnt his number blocked? The fact you gave him the time of day shows you are not as over him as you are trying to make out. Are you considering taking him up on his offer? Honestly now, are you? Of course you got satisfaction from his offer, dont try to pull the wool over our eyes! Your on the internet boasting about it! You met him over a ring that you managed to live without for two years? Yeah right, pull the other one!

Not trying to be harsh Kathleen, I'm trying to look out for you here. This guy is a complete looser. Cut him out of your life forever. Now he has seen you looking great and "confident" he is going to persue you big time.

Block this guys number now, stay away from him. Do not respond to him. If you end up back with him (and I suspect this is your intention, why else would you meet someone you were "totally over") you will be miserable.

wiggle16

Kidchameleon wrote: »

You should have told him to post the ring to you. Or better still, tell him to give it to charity. Actually, why did you respond at all? Why isnt his number blocked? The fact you gave him the time of day shows you are not as over him as you are trying to make out. Are you considering taking him up on his offer? Honestly now, are you? Of course you got satisfaction from his offer, dont try to pull the wool over our eyes! Your on the internet boasting about it! You met him over a ring that you managed to live without for two years? Yeah right, pull the other one!

Not trying to be harsh Kathleen, I'm trying to look out for you here. This guy is a complete looser. Cut him out of your life forever. Now he has seen you looking great and "confident" he is going to persue you big time.

Block this guys number now, stay away from him. Do not respond to him. If you end up back with him (and I suspect this is your intention, why else would you meet someone you were "totally over") you will be miserable.

Seriously?

Just because someone meets up with an ex partner doesn't mean they're not over them. It's called being a grown-up. If someone refused to meet up with an ex that could say more about how comfortable and accepting they were with having broken up.

If she was going to take him back she would have done so and we never would have heard from her again.

She turned him down. She did it with class and a touch of panache. There is no reason not to take the OP's word for that.

.......

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Is revenge actually required, or is acceptance a better approach?

I think you missed the point.

When you dont care about the other person you dont want or need revenge.

Apologies if that particular saying and its meaning were unfamiliar to you.

KathleenGrant

Kidchameleon wrote: »

You should have told him to post the ring to you. Or better still, tell him to give it to charity. Actually, why did you respond at all?
This ring was a present from my mother when I left college. It was lost for ages. I thought I would never see it again and I was so thrilled to get it back. There was no way I was chancing the post. Why would you assume he gave the ring to me?

Why isnt his number blocked? The fact you gave him the time of day shows you are not as over him as you are trying to make out. Why block his number? He is not hassling me.
Are you considering taking him up on his offer? Honestly now, are you?No

Of course you got satisfaction from his offer, dont try to pull the wool over our eyes! Your on the internet boasting about it! I have given updates on this thread several times in the last few months. I often read threads here and wondered what happened to people. I posted when I was feeling lost without him and if you read back I even knew then I missed having someone more than I missed him. And no, I get no satisfaction from it. Think I am boasting all you want. My actual thought was what an absolute cheek he has to think I would take him back which is also what I post above.

You met him over a ring that you managed to live without for two years? Yeah right, pull the other one!

Not trying to be harsh Kathleen, I'm trying to look out for you here. This guy is a complete looser. Cut him out of your life forever. Now he has seen you looking great and "confident" he is going to persue you big time.


Block this guys number now, stay away from him. Do not respond to him. If you end up back with him (and I suspect this is your intention, why else would you meet someone you were "totally over") you will be miserable.
You don't know me. You can't know this is my intention. I have said I am happier than I have ever been. If you think I intend to go back to someone who treated me with no respect, who stole from me, who left me broken and terrified, then you know nothing

KathleenGrant

wiggle16 wrote: »

Seriously?

Just because someone meets up with an ex partner doesn't mean they're not over them. It's called being a grown-up. If someone refused to meet up with an ex that could say more about how comfortable and accepting they were with having broken up.

If she was going to take him back she would have done so and we never would have heard from her again.

She turned him down. She did it with class and a touch of panache. There is no reason not to take the OP's word for that.

Thanks, you answered it better than I did. I shouldn't have explained myself at all.

RhubarbCrumble

Kidchameleon wrote: »

You should have told him to post the ring to you. Or better still, tell him to give it to charity. Actually, why did you respond at all? Why isnt his number blocked? The fact you gave him the time of day shows you are not as over him as you are trying to make out. Are you considering taking him up on his offer? Honestly now, are you? Of course you got satisfaction from his offer, dont try to pull the wool over our eyes! Your on the internet boasting about it! You met him over a ring that you managed to live without for two years? Yeah right, pull the other one!

Not trying to be harsh Kathleen,

Jesus Christ! :eek: I'd hate to see you if you WERE trying to be harsh. Calm it down a bit there Kid and stop firing abuse at Kathleen. :mad:

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

KidChameleon do you know Kathleen or have you done similar to the ex yourself? Your advice from the start has just been so very very off; oh she should have put more effort in, he probably forgot to pay his rent, poor man is sick, she should have seen warning signs ten years ago, she wants him back and she's being dishonest. If she'd presented herself as perfect and blameless or was idealising the relationship I could see the motivation for some tough love style advice but it's not the case. All you've been saying boils down to "could you be a little bit harder on yourself, and he's probably not so bad really". I'm just a bit baffled that anyone would react to this scenario like that.

So glad to hear you're not entertaining the possibility of taking him back Kathleen, my heart sank when I read you'd been to see him. Fair play to you.

.......

Kimberly Red Theorem wrote: »

KidChameleon do you know Kathleen or have you done similar to the ex yourself? Your advice from the start has just been so very very off;

Some posters seem to get a kick out of victim blaming in personal issues.

tayto lover

You’re a feckin legend Kathleen. Fair play to you girl.

Sephiroth_dude

Kidchameleon wrote: »

You should have told him to post the ring to you. Or better still, tell him to give it to charity. Actually, why did you respond at all? Why isnt his number blocked? The fact you gave him the time of day shows you are not as over him as you are trying to make out. Are you considering taking him up on his offer? Honestly now, are you? Of course you got satisfaction from his offer, dont try to pull the wool over our eyes! Your on the internet boasting about it! You met him over a ring that you managed to live without for two years? Yeah right, pull the other one!

Not trying to be harsh Kathleen, I'm trying to look out for you here. This guy is a complete looser. Cut him out of your life forever. Now he has seen you looking great and "confident" he is going to persue you big time.

Block this guys number now, stay away from him. Do not respond to him. If you end up back with him (and I suspect this is your intention, why else would you meet someone you were "totally over") you will be miserable.

Jesus talk about an over reaction!

KathleenGrant

I didn't realise that kidchameleon was the person who wrote the negative things before. Sure maybe he/she is thinking of someone in particular and is comparing their story with mine. Maybe that person did the wrong thing and they were trying to make sure I didn't. Anyway thanks to everyone else for the lovely supportive comments. You may be all anonymous strangers but you have all played a part in building my confidence.

Massive thanks to Ursis Horribilis who suggested the renting of rooms which not just gave me money but company and 2 massive friends that I would be lost without.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm glad to have been of some help Kathleen Mostly though, the person you should be thanking is you. I have to admit that my heart sank when I saw that you'd met him and were a bit cryptic about it (you devil!). I think many of us are a bit shot-shy here because we've seen people weaken their resolve and take back their exes. I just love how you handled this. Turned up looking fabulous and confident. And removed the spineless weasel's fallback option.

KathleenGrant

To he fair my losing weight and having the new hairdo helped my confidence but I don't think that was the main issue for him (could be wrong) It was other stuff. He says he misses my company and the craic. He misses the sports fanatic me.

wiggle16

KathleenGrant wrote: »

To he fair my losing weight and having the new hairdo helped my confidence but I don't think that was the main issue for him (could be wrong) It was other stuff. He says he misses my company and the craic. He misses the sports fanatic me.

Awh bless his cotton socks, such a pity he didn't think of any of that when he went and rented out a flat behind your back so he could shack up with Miss Muffett, while all you were good for was boxing up his stuff for him.

Their little fairy tale barely lasted six months, and it's over now. And then he had the neck to ask you to take him back, and probably thought the ring would soften you up. Having absolutely no idea, no consideration, not a thought for what he put you through. He never will. You held your head high and that's a credit to you.

I'm so glad you are finally feeling better and more confident, genuinely. You've been a class act all the way through, and I wish you all the best for the future

x