14 yo cutting himself

noraos

Hi all,

I need advice from other parents on this. My son and his father relationship is very strained at the moment, my son was finding it very difficult so I took him to a counselor and this is working well.

At the initial meeting I asked the counselor should we inform my sons dad, as i felt this was a major thing in the child's life and his dad should know. The counselor, asked my son how did he feel about this and my son said , he would like to not tell his dad right now.

Great, decision was made. I am finding my sons counselling visits are a great help to me too as I feel I am sharing some of strain and that my son is getting the best help possible, and he feels positive about it. Mental health is the same as physical health in my view.

A few incidents that have upset my son over the last year or so and I have tried to explain to his father how the child feels, the father in-turn blames me about how my son feels. My son is 14 and quite able to have his own thoughts and feelings.

His father has a new relationship with a woman , quit his job for this girl and moved over 2 hours drive away. Fathers day his dad spent with this woman and her two sons, when my son asked to spend the day with him, he refused saying he would be tired and that he had no plans. My son later learned they all went out for lunch. On my sons bday, he was not allowed to spend time with his friends as he was to spend time with his dad and his new partner. My son wanted a sleepover, cinema and city on his own etc..

All of these requests or arrangements are met with stubbornness and no flexibility, to what the child wants.. Fast forward to Christmas, my son doesn't want to see his dad on Christmas Day. ( I suggested taking 4/5 days afterwards to make up for it) His dad initially agreed in-front of his partner, but afterwards messaged me, not agreeing. I explained that I am not getting involved in the Christmas arrangements as with the birthday incident and fathers day, I got upset for the child and I probably made things worse.

Now my son knows his dad is not happy with the Christmas situation, and all hell is going to break lose once his dad is on his own with him, As a result of this, I found him cutting himself to 'feel better' . I sat calmly with him and we spoke about it. I am watching it so it doesn't become a habit etc.


But my question is, should I tell his dad about the cutting? Or should I monitor it and say nothing.. or should I respect my sons choice and leave him work it out. I really am unsure what to do... he has a right to know what is going on in his sons life, but I also feel his son, when he is ready should tell him.

I just dont know what is the right thing to do here. and I am really sorry for the long winded message. Any advise is welcomed, from perspectives with no emotional attachment, please.

thank you

Misguided1

That's a really tough situation for you and your son. Maybe at the next counselling session bring up the idea of involving his Dad in one of the sessions. It could be just father and son but would be a good way for your son to air any of his concerns so that his dad hears them. You should also mention the 'cutting' to the counselor (you probably already have).

Dravokivich

Sounds to me like you should be working with the counsellor. Your son doesn't want to discuss it with his father, because his father has doesn't seem to take him seriously. Make sure the counsellor knows your observations. While they might have to run any commentrary through your son, your son may not be telling them about the self harm.

noraos

Thank you, I have informed his counselor and also the school are aware, as I had to take him from class before.

I would think that his father isn't mature enough to handle this, but is it my place to say that? the risk factor here is, I am worried if he isn't. The result would be the tension and stress it will bring to us all, and could make an already unsteady situation worse, and I don't know how I could cope home alone if my son gets worse.

The positive would be, I get support from his dad, but previous incidents he hasn't shown his maturity.

I appreciate the feedback, thank you.

Toots

I'd say it would be worth having a word with his counsellor about whether or not it would be a good idea to involve his father in his treatment. Obviously in the ideal world, both parents would be involved but in this instance if his father were to make matters worse it might not be a good idea.

Does your son actually want to spend time with his father these days?

noraos

Toots wrote: »

I'd say it would be worth having a word with his counsellor about whether or not it would be a good idea to involve his father in his treatment. Obviously in the ideal world, both parents would be involved but in this instance if his father were to make matters worse it might not be a good idea.

Does your son actually want to spend time with his father these days?

Yes, I will ask her opinion on the matter.

He spends every second weekend with him, and he says he enjoys being down there as he gets more playstation time, and no chores, unlike at home with me! ( 14 yr old mentality ). Sometimes he is happy to go, other times, he is not.

Foweva Awone

Has he seen a medical professional for a psychiatric assessment? Counselling is all well and good as part of a care plan, but a mental health professional should be overseeing his care. Self-harm is a very worrying behavior, and counselling alone may even do more harm than good if he doesn't have more supports available and a care plan in place and regularly reviewed.

noraos

Foweva Awone wrote: »

Has he seen a medical professional for a psychiatric assessment? Counselling is all well and good as part of a care plan, but a mental health professional should be overseeing his care. Self-harm is a very worrying behavior, and counselling alone may even do more harm than good if he doesn't have more supports available and a care plan in place and regularly reviewed.

Thank you for the suggestion.

He has not had an assessment, I feel, as it was only one incident and he told me himself, and it was dealt with in the manner that he is open to coming to me again, should he feel like that again.

I can monitor it for the moment, and see if I need to proceed with a psychiatric assessment. I am hoping, it was a reach out, and he knows I am here, and we can take it step by step.

Lau2976

If your son spends nights with his father, as your post indicates, it’s important an adult he is with is aware of his self harming for safety reasons. IMO as someone who has self harmed his dad can’t watch out for something he doesn’t know to look for.

Good luck with everything.

noraos

Lau2976 wrote: »

If your son spends nights with his father, as your post indicates, it’s important an adult he is with is aware of his self harming for safety reasons. IMO as someone who has self harmed his dad can’t watch out for something he doesn’t know to look for.

Good luck with everything.

yes thank you, this was another concern that I felt a reason he should know,... He isn't going to be with his dad now again for 2 weeks. So I have time to work it out.

Toots

noraos wrote: »

Thank you for the suggestion.

He has not had an assessment, I feel, as it was only one incident and he told me himself, and it was dealt with in the manner that he is open to coming to me again, should he feel like that again.

I can monitor it for the moment, and see if I need to proceed with a psychiatric assessment. I am hoping, it was a reach out, and he knows I am here, and we can take it step by step.

Not trying to scare you, but are you sure it's a one off? I was caught self harming a couple of times, and I swore up and down that those were the only times I'd done it, when in reality, I just got better at hiding it, and cut where nobody else would see.

A psychiatric assessment sounds scary, but it's really not. In my experience it was similar to a session with my counsellor, only it took longer (it was a couple of hours) and then the psychiatrist also had a chat with my husband. The first time I went, the psychiatrist was happy that I wasn't in a "high risk" situation, and we were both happy for me to continue seeing my counsellor privately, but that he wanted to see me back in 6 months to see how I was doing.

It would be no harm to have a chat with your GP about what services might be available to him.

noraos

Toots wrote: »

Not trying to scare you, but are you sure it's a one off? I was caught self harming a couple of times, and I swore up and down that those were the only times I'd done it, when in reality, I just got better at hiding it, and cut where nobody else would see.

A psychiatric assessment sounds scary, but it's really not. In my experience it was similar to a session with my counsellor, only it took longer (it was a couple of hours) and then the psychiatrist also had a chat with my husband. The first time I went, the psychiatrist was happy that I wasn't in a "high risk" situation, and we were both happy for me to continue seeing my counsellor privately, but that he wanted to see me back in 6 months to see how I was doing.

It would be no harm to have a chat with your GP about what services might be available to him.

Thank you, I have called his counselor, but yes, I think I will call his GP too. I appreciate the advice. its been very helpful.

Sunny Dayz

A plus one here for a psychiatric assessment.
Have you spoken to your GP about this at all? Speak to your GP and ask for a referral. You should be directed to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). They will assess your son and they can recommend and have access to a range of options that can help or that you may never have thought of.


We went through this process earlier this year. We weren't waiting long for the referral at all. The assessment did take a couple of hours and then reviews by the management team. But the professionals involved were very nice and understanding. They really do try to do their best for the child involved.

noraos

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

A plus one here for a psychiatric assessment.
Have you spoken to your GP about this at all? Speak to your GP and ask for a referral. You should be directed to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). They will assess your son and they can recommend and have access to a range of options that can help or that you may never have thought of.


We went through this process earlier this year. We weren't waiting long for the referral at all. The assessment did take a couple of hours and then reviews by the management team. But the professionals involved were very nice and understanding. They really do try to do their best for the child involved.

Not yet, but I will do today. Thank you so much. this is all new to me, so thank you for the help. Its all so worrying

Sunny Dayz

noraos wrote: »

Not yet, but I will do today. Thank you so much. this is all new to me, so thank you for the help. Its all so worrying

I completely understand, it is quite scary. CAMHS are good from my experience, they take it quite seriously, so make good use of whatever support they give ye. Also if you could find someone yourself to chat to, a close friend etc - that's one thing I didn't do and I took all the stress and strain of it onto my own shoulders.