feel betrayed after telling my friend a secret abortion

bobthebuilder1

deleted post

Big Bag of Chips

I think you should let her know you saw her comment and it has really really upset you and it has affected the way you see her. Sometimes people post things that I genuinely think they don't actually mean. But say it because... I don't know.. A keyboard warrior type hardman. I don't know why people post things publicly that they would not say in public. You can be damn sure that your friend would not stand up in the middle of her local town and shout that out. Yet somehow feels 'safe' or 'cool' to say it online and I honestly don't think she actually means it, at all. I think though it shows a real lack of intelligence in a person when they need to resort to that sort of language when posting online.

You definitely have a right to stay away from her and let her know why. You would be uncomfortable in her company now. Meeting her would be more to suit her than you. I think you should ring her (don't text) and tell her you saw the comment and it really really hurt you. You can even say you understand if that is how she feels. But similarly she needs to understand how seeing her post that comment has made you feel and how it has affected how you look at her and your friendship.

Simi

Hi OP, I'm really sorry your friend has made you feel this way. If you value your friendship with this person and don't want it to end, I would suggest talking to them. Telling them you have seen the post and exactly how it made you feel. Ask them if they feel that way about you given what you have told them.

A lot of what people post online is hyperbole. People get worked up over ridiculous things in comment sections, that they don't really care that much about in real life. Your friend may not actually believe what she wrote, the only way you'll find out is if you ask her directly and explain to her exactly how hurtful her comments were to you.

If you don't want to, or feel you can't, confront her about this, then I would suggest gradually distancing yourself without giving a reason. If you feel like you won't be able to, or don't want to be, friends with this person anymore this might be the best course of action.

road_high

The pitfalls of social media- people’s true colors often come out in public!

skallywag

Simi wrote: »

A lot of what people post online is hyperbole. People get worked up over ridiculous things in comment sections, that they don't really care that much about in real life.

I think that this comment is really apt.

As Internet use first started to become mainstream the first social media basically consisted of email, newsgroups and IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channels, with the latter being the first real time that large groups of Joe Soap users could easily logon to a live chat to people from all over the world, and do so anonymously. It very quickly became apparent that people were then behaving and commenting in such a way which they never would in real life. The same behaviour was not found nearly as much with email or newsgroups (which were/are somehow like the forums we know today).

You see the exact same behaviour to a large extend on the forums of today (this particular one being no exception!), and also in any website etc. which has a 'comments' section. Folk will quite often post something which they would never dream of saying to someone, never mind even writing down in an email, etc. And in a lot of cases, as pointed out above, they post something which they don't even believe in anyway. I think some folk just get a kick out of being able to act in a way that they never would be able to in real life, or often they just get into heated debate with another poster who they think has slighted them, just for the sake of it, with little or no interest in the real subject matter, but more to just make the point that they are right and you are wrong.

OP, if the most important thing for you is for this information not to come out, then I would advise you to bite your tongue and just say nothing.

MissShihTzu

If a so-called friend of mine made such a comment knowing what they knew about you? - They would be an ex-friend. No wonder you are so upset - I don't blame you at all.

I would just cut her out. Don't worry about any potential fall-out yet. Deal with that when the time comes. People need to STFU and mind their own business. You did what you did for your own very good reasons which do not need to be justified to anyone.

I hope it works out for you. Try not to worry about stuff which may not happen. Deal with one thing at a time.

Good luck!

eviltwin

I went through something similar, I had an abortion which I'm very open about. I've one friend who I know is anti abortion, we never spoke about it but it was never an issue. During the lead up to the referendum he was posting a lot of pro life stuff with very incendiary comments about women so I spoke to him about it, told him it made me uncomfortable because I was wondering if he saw me in those terms, he was all evasive and then admitted he did so that was that.

I don't accept judgement from anyone and neither should you, you didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't call her if it's only going to upset you but maybe an email explaining how you feel hearing those words? It probably won't change things but it might help open her eyes a little. I doubt you are the only woman she knows who has had an abortion.

silverharp

people are complicated and can hold contradictory opinions , especially when it comes to generalised versus a particular individual. it might be different of course if she was being passive aggressive to you using these social media comments but doesnt seem so based on what you have written. if she has been a good friend to you since you told her then that is really what counts.

amdublin

Who are anyone else (we, her, I) to judge anyone on why they decided to have an abortion?

There are a million reasons that a woman or a couple may decide to terminate their pregnancy - mostly complex and sad decisions. And at times while complex and sad, it can also bring relief.

Op, you don't deserve this. I hope you are at peace, or come to eventual peace about what you have been through. It's not easy. And it's certainly not made any easier when someone does what she does.

Good luck and best wishes in the future. Look after yourself

leggo

I agree with what was said above about her likely not meaning it. It's like some people vomit the worst aspects of their personalities out online, they go through the day like a normal person then get behind a keyboard at the end of the night and just explode to blow off steam. And people can often bend how they feel even on issues like this to still support people they care about. If she was genuinely good to you and supportive during it all, I'd think twice before just dropping her. At the end of the day to provide that support while you know how she personally felt is a pretty big gesture of how much you mean to her when you think about it, I'm always very careful to keep people who show that level of support around me.

It's such a tricky area because people feel so strongly both ways. I'm pro-choice, vote yes and all that, but I respect people who aren't. I feel that the majority come from a good place ultimately. However, having seen people go through it, struggle and lose friends in the process, I see how difficult it is trying to fight the stigma/shame/guilt but also having to watch who you tell while you obviously need the support of all your close friends the most. So I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this OP.

professore

She is obviously anti abortion and feels strongly enough to post what is a very unpopular opinion about it on social media, but you came to her at a difficult time of your life and she helped you out and supported you because she is your friend. Love the sinner hate the sin type of thing.

Would you have preferred she called you all sorts of names to your face when she came to you? I think it shows compassion that she put her personal views aside to help a friend. People increasingly are not doing that anymore.

I have friends that I disagree with on fundamental things like this. I don't think she should have to censor her views just because they don't align with yours. Of course you are free to not be her friend anymore but maybe you should talk to her about it in a non accusatory way. I wouldn't be so quick to dump her as a friend.

EDIT : OP I saw some of your replies and you talk about her having a chip on her shoulder and yours being a one sided relationship. Sounds like she is toxic.

Teyla Emmagan

You poor thing OP. It is very difficult when we feel someone we trust has let us down. Especially when you have been so supportive towards her. Don't send any sort of break up text though, it will only inflame things. You are obviously still upset. Just let the friendship drift and if she comes back to you when you are feeling better you can see if you want to address it then.

the_pen_turner

i wonder is she looking for kids herself but cant have them either medically or hasnt found the right guy.
a friend of mine is verry anti abortion . she is late 40 s doesnt have kids but desperatly wants them. a lot of her hatred for people who have abortions stems from this. she thinks why are they killing their child when great people cant have a child.



dont be so quick to judge her .

Paddy Cow

bobthebuilder1 wrote: »

Thank you all so much, I can't face talking to her at the moment, I am hurt beyond words and o can't get my head around how two faced she had been all along. I have helped her through a lot the last few years and even before this comment, our friendship has been very one sided. Ita hard because even though I'm mad at her. She is/was an important person in my life. She has changed since getting a new boyfriend and seems angry with everything, education, health care, commercialism etc she has a chip in her shoulder. I know I want to end my toxic friendship just not sure how. I can't call her because I'd get too upset and I don't want to text much because could be used as Evidence, I was thinking of texting to say, I don't think we are getting the same from this friendship and time to partways. And leave it at that? What do u think. Thanks you all for bring so gentle with me

I wouldn't do that if it was me. It's just bound to cause drama. Let the friendship fizzle out but don't give her any ammunition.

skallywag

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I wouldn't do that if it was me. It's just bound to cause drama. Let the friendship fizzle out but don't give her any ammunition.

I agree with this.

It's important for the OP that this info does not get spread about, hence I would do nothing at all to possibly inflame the situation. Just let things die a natural death.