Help me pls

Emme

Helppls18 wrote: »

Thanks all, considering counselling on my own, not ready for couple yet, I need to sort my own head first.

Your husband’s behaviour is completely out of order.

Good luck OP and stay safe. Women's Aid might be a good place to start. However if you decide to go DO NOT LET YOUR husband KNOW YOU ARE GETTING COUNSELLING OR CONTEMPLATING LEAVING. Have everything planned on the quiet before you go. Women's Aid will tell you why this is so important.

You are pregnant now and at your most vulnerable. Make sure you have plenty of support from friends and family. Take care.

punisher5112

Dh = dick head!!!!

TheBoyConor

Your husband sounds like a pathetic loser. In addition to the despicable, obsessive and pathetically insecure behaviour and his treament of you you should seriously consider separation and divorce. What exactly do you get from this relationship aside from abusive and insulting treatment?

And what I find worst of all is the threats of suicide when he hears you are going to leave him. That is the hallmark of an absolute swine to use a threat like that to influence or scare you. I'd call him on his bluff and let him off if he wants to.

I had a controlling jealous ex gf who I eventually broke up with after a few aborted attempts to break up with. She used to threaten to kill herself when I wanted to break up. In the end I decided that I knew full well it was a bluff and I called it. I told her we were done and I was gone and nothing could change my mind. She screamed and bawled she would kill herself and texts for a few days. I called her father at work and told her how she was acting and to go and deal with her before I blocked her. She lives in the south east now and is no longer my problem.

ChrissieH

Hey OP,
I'm sorry to hear that you're being treated like this. I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters who've suggested that his attitude is a reflection of what he's up to himself, as I do believe that people focus in on things that they are obsessed with about themselves (just think about yourself physically, if you have any hangups about yourself, like hating your hair or whatever, it's the first thing you look at in other people!)
And I also completely agree with the poster who said that this attitude tallies with someone who feels utterly inadequate, sexually. I have a friend in a similar relationship, although thankfully he's not as confrontational as your husband, but he still spent many years sulking and punishing her for the handful of sexual encounters she had before she met him. He'd also had a handful of sexual partners but of course that didn't matter. Double-standards all the way.
From listening to my friend, and knowing the 2 of them reasonably well, I just kept coming back to the same conclusion; he was desperately afraid that he didn't measure up to her ex partners, and rather than be a decent human being about that insecurity, he tried to turn it all around to make her feel ashamed of her actions, that way he got to feel superior and it ensures that there can NEVER be any sort of banter or jokes about sex that might further threaten him.
It's a way of controlling; for my friend, she was afraid of her life to mention certain pubs / holiday destinations etc, as they were triggers for him to sulk and try and shame her for her "slutty" behaviour, so it basically kept her in line, because God forbid she'd ever get on the wrong side of him - her entire "shameful history" would be thrown at her, so he got to behave terribly towards her and use her as his emotional punchbag (metaphorically speaking), knowing full well that she wouldn't dare to open her mouth.

I actually also agree with Faith above, saying that if you attend couples counselling, you may be leaving yourself very vulnerable to his disgusting abuse when you leave. He doesn't play fair in everyday life with you, so how can you trust him to respect the rules of therapy; you are leaving yourself wide open to even further mocking and bullying, and he doesn't deserve the chance to do that.
Therapy for yourself, as somewhere to vent and to gain the emotional strength you need, is probably the best option for you.

Best of luck with it, it's a horrible situation you're in but all the people who love you would absolutely NOT want you to stay in it.
The last thing you want is for your children to grow in that environment, it will totally skew their thinking and may cause them to look back on you with contempt, viewing you as weak.. you just don't know what way they interpret these situations, as obviously they're too young to understand what exactly is going on, so it's too much of a risk to think that they will remain unaware.
No wife deserves to be spoken to and treated the way he speaks and treats you.

TheBoyConor

Why would you even entertain the idea of therapy or counselling with someone like that? No-one deserves to be put down, interrogated and bullied like the OP. You should dump him pronto and move on with your life. Nobody needs that kind of drama in their life.

banoffe2

take extra good care of yourself OP you are only responsible for your own behaviour, based on experience counseling didn't work as the OH used it as a platform to put me down and put himself up! I know the counselors can see though this, but at least I can say I tried.
That kind of emotional abuse is head-wrecking, you deserve better.

Sunflower 27

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Why would you even entertain the idea of therapy or counselling with someone like that? No-one deserves to be put down, interrogated and bullied like the OP. You should dump him pronto and move on with your life. Nobody needs that kind of drama in their life.

It is very easy for us to say leave the creep. Sadly, this creep is a massive part of her and her children's lives. There will be hope that things don't have to really end, this is just a blip, it cab be worked through ...

I think counselling is a good idea. The op needs to address why she accepted such treatment for so long. Perhaps self esteem problems, fear of change.

Counselling doesn't mean the op will remain in the relationship, it's very likely her eyes will be opened to how abusive it really is. People in abusive relationships often don't see the abuse as clearly as people outside the relationship do (some don't see it at all). Often they have been beaten down over a long period of time and become tolerant and accepting of shi tty and abusive behaviour as a result

Sardonicat

^^^^
Posters are advising the OP against couples counselling with her partner present. I think most agree, however, that individual counselling for herself would be very beneficial to her.

Neyite

I would recommend that you seek individual counselling just to have someone to talk things over with. Ask your midwife to refer you. I remember the posters in the ante-natal clinics on the back of the toilet doors for domestic abuse as usually the first signs of domestic abuse manifest themselves when the woman becomes pregnant. So your midwife is a great contact to refer you onwards and if it can be disguised as part of your ante-natal care all the better. Couple's counselling is not recommended with someone who has abusive traits - in fact, should a counsellor discover it's an abusive relationship it's recommended that they terminate the sessions. Take your time to explore your thoughts with a counsellor, it can take a while to fully process it all.

Unfortunately what you are experiencing is a form of domestic abuse. It's low level but that does not mean it's damaging to you or your children over the long term. The way that we form adult relationships stem from what we see in the examples around us as children. In a situation like yours, a girl gets taught that verbal abuse, jealousy, misogyny and slut shaming are normal things in a relationship. A boy learns that this is how you treat a partner. So for you to teach your children that behaviour like this is unacceptable and partners don't tolerate it is actually a valuable life lesson of massive benefit to them as adults. It's a mistake thinking that he can change - they usually don't or if they do, it's as a result of many years of therapy. It's highly unlikely that it would come about in your children's childhoods, even if he was to put 100% into it.

The most dangerous time is when you are thinking about or preparing to leave. Your DV counsellor can advise you on safety tips and things he might threaten (and how you respond) if you choose to leave.

Finally, you don't need "a" reason to leave him. Many people think you do, but you don't. You don't need to go looking for proof of a dalliance or anything like that. It's enough for you to decide you no longer want to be with him and end it on that basis. You gave it a good honest try after he cheated on you, and got little except abuse and accusations in exchange so it's ok to just say you've had enough, you are miserable and want out of the marriage, if that's what you want.

TheBoyConor

Why anyone would want to convince themselves to stay or entertain the idea of counselling to try prolong a relationship with such an unlikable character is beyond me.
He's a cheating, jealous scumbag who will do nothing for you only bring you down for the rest of your life. Pack your things, pack your children and leave him for dust.

TerrorFirmer

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way, I personally know of someone who behaved pretty much as your husband is. Accusing his wife of exactly the same things. In front of their baby smiling at her telling her "when you're old enough I'm going to tell you exactly what a slut your mother is. The town bike" etc etc. She had had 1 sexual partner before him.

Turns out he had a liking for prostitutes.. For the entirety of their relationship/marriage. I'd be very wary of anyone so vocally accusing someone of something like this, without any real basis.

It's a weird psychological thing, I'd say this guy could see 1,000 prostitutes but at the end of the day it's a paid service and he'll still be angry, bitter and jealous that his wife had a past before she met him because of his own insecurities.

Sympathies with OP. Not an easy situation. It's already all been said but at the bare minimum tell him to either get counselling or find someone else to put up with his crap.

It's not easy when you're in the actual situation but from the outside, you will look back at this in years and wonder how an earth you were so blind.

Geminigal

Emme wrote: »

Your husband’s behaviour is completely out of order.

Good luck OP and stay safe. Women's Aid might be a good place to start. However if you decide to go DO NOT LET YOUR Husband KNOW YOU ARE GETTING COUNSELLING OR CONTEMPLATING LEAVING. Have everything planned on the quiet before you go. Women's Aid will tell you why this is so important.

You are pregnant now and at your most vulnerable. Make sure you have plenty of support from friends and family. Take care.

100% agree with this. Defo talk to women's aid if you can they will be able to support you. Best of luck x

YoungRogerian

Folks, could we not advise her without being so judgemental. I agree that the relationship doesn't seem healthy for this lady, but we don't know this guy or anything about him but what we've heard from one anonymous person on the internet. We don't know what underlying issues are behind his infidelity or his insecurity. Maybe the man has in built insecurities that make him compare himself to others. Maybe he thinks his wife will eventually leave him as no one could choose him when there are other options available? Or maybe he is just an arsehole? But my point is, none of us know this man so why are we being judge jury and executioner?

It is not the responsibility of the OP to live her life by what makes her husband happy. She needs to do what is right or her and I genuinely wish that for her, but let's not rush to make this guy that none of us bar the OP know into some sort of super villain. He is seeking professional help, hopefully that will help him find his answers too. All human beings are flawed, support this lady and give her the empathy she deserves, but don't deny it to him. None of us know the time or the hour when we will make a mess of things. I know I for one wouldn't like being condemned for my mistakes by random strangers on the internet.

YoungRogerian

The Princess Bride wrote: »

He's not going to change, I hope you realise this.

How do you know this for certain?

YoungRogerian

I emphasise once again. I am not defending this guy, as I have no doubt it will be construed that I am. I am also not saying she should stay with him, she needs to do what is right for the kids. Maybe it's because I trained to be a psychotherapist for a few years before I had to call a halt due to the emotional impact it was having, but I view any situation like this under the assumption that both people involved are entitled to basic empathy and compassion. Especially when that person has at least taken the step to start counselling. Maybe he's not doing that or the reason he should be, but he's still doing it. Anyone voluntarily undergoing counselling is doing so because they want something to change. Perhaps your relationship cannot be salvaged but a person can change. Maybe his bad behaviour that has sabotaged your relationship, can be rectified. Maybe he can become the man for someone else that he couldn't be for you. Johnny Cash was a womaniser with a serious self destructive streak before he found his way,Ricky Tomlinson had an affair with his friend's 16 year old daughter when he was in his 40s. People can change once there is a willingness. I don't know if that willingness is truly there in his case, but if he is going to counselling, he is at least taking the first step. It doesn't mean his behaviour is right, it doesn't mean you don't absolutely have to put yourself first, but it seems to me if we are all to be condemned as virulently as your husband is being judged here by total strangers, for every mistake we make, then we are all doomed to be victims of our past. Maybe this man will prove himself unworthy of our empathy, but I for one just can't fathom throwing this man to the wolves without at least giving him the opportunity to change and grow as a human being. If none of us are ever to be given the chance to change, then what a terrible world we live in.

Faugheen

YoungRogerian wrote: »

Folks, could we not advise her without being so judgemental. I agree that the relationship doesn't seem healthy for this lady, but we don't know this guy or anything about him but what we've heard from one anonymous person on the internet. We don't know what underlying issues are behind his infidelity or his insecurity. Maybe the man has in built insecurities that make him compare himself to others. Maybe he thinks his wife will eventually leave him as no one could choose him when there are other options available? Or maybe he is just an arsehole? But my point is, none of us know this man so why are we being judge jury and executioner?

1. "We don't know what his underlying issues are..."

Doesn't give him the right to call the mother of his kids 'the town bike' - because she slept with one person before they got together - in front of those kids.

That quote sounds like you're excusing his behaviour.

2. "Maybe the man has in built insecurities that make him compare himself to others..."

See above - again it sounds like you're making excuses for him.

3. "Or maybe he is just an arsehole?"

Now you have it.

4. "But my point is, none of us know this man so why are we being judge jury and executioner?"

So we should question the legitimacy of the OP who is staying anonymous to protect her identity?

Why bother having a Relationship issues forum if we're just going to question whether the OP is telling us the full story or not?

Sounds like you're making more excuses for him.

YoungRogerian wrote: »

It is not the responsibility of the OP to live her life by what makes her husband happy.

Correct.

YoungRogerian wrote: »

She needs to do what is right or her and I genuinely wish that for her, but let's not rush to make this guy that none of us bar the OP know into some sort of super villain.

Again, you're starting to question whether the OP is telling the full truth here. Stop doing that.

YoungRogerian wrote: »

He is seeking professional help, hopefully that will help him find his answers too. All human beings are flawed, support this lady and give her the empathy she deserves, but don't deny it to him.

Getting professional help is a good step, and fair play to him.

However I'll point out again that you're trying to make excuses for his behaviour.

He's abusive, obsessive and a cheat. Why does he deserve empathy?

YoungRogerian wrote: »

None of us know the time or the hour when we will make a mess of things. I know I for one wouldn't like being condemned for my mistakes by random strangers on the internet.

I couldn't care what he thinks about what I have to say about him, to be honest. He didn't give a **** when he cheated on her.

To add to the cheating and your point about 'mistakes'. It was a mistake to cheat on his ex with the OP. However when he eventually committed himself to the OP and subsequently cheated on her, then it becomes a pattern and the legitimacy of his 'mistakes' begins to wear thin.

OP, please don't listen to the above. Your husbands behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be brought into line. You deserve so much better from the man who is supposed to love you.

If he calls you another name like he did before, throw him out. You wouldn't let anyone else call you a name like that in your own house and in front of your own kids, so the rules apply to him as well in that regard.

I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy, and hope no matter what happens that a solution can be found to your problems - either with him or without him.

YoungRogerian

1. "We don't know what his underlying issues are..."

Doesn't give him the right to call the mother of his kids 'the town bike' - because she slept with one person before they got together - in front of those kids.

Agreed.

"That quote sounds like you're excusing his behaviour."

No it doesn't, it sounds like someone who doesn't know the individual in question or anything about their background, not wanting to make assumptions.

"Again, you're starting to question whether the OP is telling the full truth here. Stop doing that."

I'm clearly not.


"However I'll point out again that you're trying to make excuses for his behaviour."

And I'll point out again that I did no such thing.

"He's abusive, obsessive and a cheat. Why does he deserve empathy?"

So was johnny Cash for a significant period of his life. Lots of good people do bad things at periods in their lives. Not saying whether he is a good person or not generally, but there is good and bad in all of us. If he was only bad, she would never have married him. Also, we all deserve a basic level of empathy.

"OP, please don't listen to the above. Your husbands behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be brought into line. You deserve so much better from the man who is supposed to love you."

There is absolutely nothing in what I have said that would suggest I think his behaviour is acceptable. Nor is there anything in my post that suggests it does not need to change. Also my post was clearly not aimed at the OP. It was aimed at the frankly horrifying rush to condemn based on one piece of testimony. That piece of testimony was damning, but it doesn't explain the internal factors behind the behaviour. If we are to unconditionally condemn this man, then we also have to unconditionally condemn any alcoholics whose behaviour affects their family, any heroin addict etc. I would have to condemn the man I went to school with who went to jail for stabbing a man then totally turned his life around. You can condemn behaviour without condemning the person. I condemn this man't behaviour. I can't condemn the man however without knowing all external factors.

YoungRogerian

I'm also, not one bit interested in having an argument about this. I actually totally understand the reaction of people to this. It was my initial reaction too. I was about to post in agreement with the people simply calling this man a word beginning with d. Then I took a step back, I read all the reactions and the lack of any attempt to understand this man's thought process concerned me. His behaviour is objectively wrong. He is the 'bad guy', but good and bad, right and wrong are of no benefit in understanding the psychology of human behavior. This man's (appalling) behaviour is coming from a narrative of his own construction, based on how he has experienced the world. The condemnation this man is receiving, from people, I reiterate, who do not know him, is perfectly understandable given the facts presented to us. However it is totally useless in terms of facilitating real and lasting change. I want to believe this man can change, I'm sure his wife wants to believe he can change. I also want to believe this man is not all bad, if I can't believe that, then I would simply have to abandon all faith in humanity. His wife obviously doesn't believe he is all bad or she wouldn't have been with him in the first place.

Our very survival as a human race depends on our ability to learn and grow. There is plenty satisfaction for the victim of such bad behaviour in condemnation and it is absolutely understandable, but look at how many opportunities for reconciliation would have been missed if no one ever attempted to understand the other person. Not excuse their behaviour, not justify it, just understand. Take Jo Berry and Pat Magee. When Pat Magee planted the bomb that killed Jo's father, understandably she was angry. If she had let that anger consume her, no one could blame her. Instead she reached out to the man, took on his story, said her piece and created a dialogue. Not only are the two now friends, but the organisation they started "Building Bridges for Peace" does great work in reconciliation. Similarly, the man I take my username from, Carl Rogers, did plenty of meaningful work on reconciliation. If we never allow for the possibility o personal growth and change, then we just repeat the same cycles over and over again. I have no idea if this man is genuinely willing to change or even capable of it. All I'm saying is give him the opportunity. It's a totally separate issue to what his wife needs to do to stay safe, but it's not completely irrelevant, especially given that there are kids involved who will want their dad in their lives. I hope the OP frees herself from this abusive situation, but I also hope her husband gets his s**t in order. I don't think those two wishes are mutually exclusive.

GingerLily

^^^ I wish you had as much compassion for the OP as you do for her abusive husband.

Faugheen

YoungRogerian wrote: »

I'm also, not one bit interested in having an argument about this. I actually totally understand the reaction of people to this. It was my initial reaction too. I was about to post in agreement with the people simply calling this man a word beginning with d. Then I took a step back, I read all the reactions and the lack of any attempt to understand this man's thought process concerned me. His behaviour is objectively wrong. He is the 'bad guy', but good and bad, right and wrong are of no benefit in understanding the psychology of human behavior. This man's (appalling) behaviour is coming from a narrative of his own construction, based on how he has experienced the world. The condemnation this man is receiving, from people, I reiterate, who do not know him, is perfectly understandable given the facts presented to us. However it is totally useless in terms of facilitating real and lasting change. I want to believe this man can change, I'm sure his wife wants to believe he can change. I also want to believe this man is not all bad, if I can't believe that, then I would simply have to abandon all faith in humanity. His wife obviously doesn't believe he is all bad or she wouldn't have been with him in the first place.

Our very survival as a human race depends on our ability to learn and grow. There is plenty satisfaction for the victim of such bad behaviour in condemnation and it is absolutely understandable, but look at how many opportunities for reconciliation would have been missed if no one ever attempted to understand the other person. Not excuse their behaviour, not justify it, just understand. Take Jo Berry and Pat Magee. When Pat Magee planted the bomb that killed Jo's father, understandably she was angry. If she had let that anger consume her, no one could blame her. Instead she reached out to the man, took on his story, said her piece and created a dialogue. Not only are the two now friends, but the organisation they started "Building Bridges for Peace" does great work in reconciliation. Similarly, the man I take my username from, Carl Rogers, did plenty of meaningful work on reconciliation. If we never allow for the possibility o personal growth and change, then we just repeat the same cycles over and over again. I have no idea if this man is genuinely willing to change or even capable of it. All I'm saying is give him the opportunity. It's a totally separate issue to what his wife needs to do to stay safe, but it's not completely irrelevant, especially given that there are kids involved who will want their dad in their lives. I hope the OP frees herself from this abusive situation, but I also hope her husband gets his s**t in order. I don't think those two wishes are mutually exclusive.

Give him the opportunity?

He had the opportunity when he cheated on her and she eventually went back to him. That should have been his wake up call to go and get some help.

But no, since then he has called the mother of his children the 'town bike' in front of the kids, based on one encounter she had while he was cheating on his ex with her. There's nothing else to describe that as complete and utter arseholery. There is no 'maybe he is an arsehole' when he makes a statement like that. It's scummy behaviour to say it to your wife without any justification, it's a completely different level to say it to your wife in front of the children she has delivered for you without any justification.

He's had opportunities, but in reality he believes the OP is/will also cheat like he does.

GingerLily has a point, you're showing a lot of compassion for a man who has done nothing but treat the OP and previous women in his life very poorly. Yet the vibe from your posts is 'if she has to leave him, then so be it, but we should have some empathy for him if that does happen'.

Ursus Horribilis

You also said in another thread that you're perpetually single and don't see yourself ever meeting someone. So maybe you don't understand how relationships work.

YoungRogerian

GingerLily wrote: »

^^^ I wish you had as much compassion for the OP as you do for her abusive husband.

I have plenty compassion for her. I made that clear. People will misinterpret my posts as they see fit. I'm blue in the face from saying this man's behaviour is wrong and that she needs to remove herself from the situation. Even a cursory glance at my posts would show this. If random strangers on the internet are choosing to misread my posts to suit an agenda, that really isn't any of my concern.

YoungRogerian

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You also said in another thread that you're perpetually single and don't see yourself ever meeting someone. So maybe you don't understand how relationships work.

Or maybe I just believe in analysing situations based on logic rather than emotion? Again no where NOWHERE in my post did I say anything to indicate she should stay with him or that it was an acceptable way of behaving. All I'm saying is that when the rest of you are adjusting the noose in order to hang this man that you don't know, I personally would hope for a situation, where the OP can free herself from the situation and hopefully find someone more deserving , where the husband can get his sh*t together and the kids can have access to their father. That is the best situation for all concerned. Only the OP's husband knows if he is willing to do that. It's not my place to judge him.

GingerLily

YoungRogerian wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

^^^ I wish you had as much compassion for the OP as you do for her abusive husband.

I have plenty compassion for her. I made that clear. People will misinterpret my posts as they see fit. I'm blue in the face from saying this man's behaviour is wrong and that she needs to remove herself from the situation. Even a cursory glance at my posts would show this. If random strangers on the internet are choosing to misread my posts to suit an agenda, that really isn't any of my concern.

Curosry glance? You've almost written a book here!

When someone needs advice regarding leaving an abusive relationship I don't think it's wise to consider any empathy to the abuser. Not yet.

YoungRogerian

YoungRogerian wrote: »

why are we being judge jury and executioner?

let's not rush to make this guy that none of us bar the OP know into some sort of super villain

I for one just can't fathom throwing this man to the wolves

I can't condemn the man

The condemnation this man is receiving

the rest of you are adjusting the noose in order to hang this man

frankly horrifying rush to condemn

Very emotive language and completely disproportionate to the responses here. The only thing this man is being "condemned" to here is a life without the woman he is abusing. While there are some, understandably, passionate responses, 99% of the advice here to the OP is to separate herself and the kids from the situation. Your horror at the responses is completely subjective.

YoungRogerian wrote: »

I know I for one wouldn't like being condemned for my mistakes by random strangers on the internet

This forum is for advice and support for the people who come here looking for help, anonymously. Your concern for a complete stranger who will most likely never read this thread or your responses (as opposed to the OP who is probably hanging on every word) is bizarre.

YoungRogerian wrote: »

my post was clearly not aimed at the OP

Then it does not belong here, you are hijacking this woman's thread.

YoungRogerian wrote: »

support this lady and give her the empathy she deserves, but don't deny it to him

He hasn't asked for our empathy.

YoungRogerian

A few years ago, I had the housemate from Hell. Initially it was okay. I was actually quite fond of her, but her behaviour was erratic. She would passively aggressively confront you, she'd obsess over things My other housemate told me one day he was leaving the house. We agreed it wasn't his place to leave as her behaviour was the problem. As I was the only one in the house who had signed a lease, I was within my rights to ask her to leave. I did it as nicely as I could. By this stage she had already caused damage to property and disappeared all day leaving her cat to **** all over the house, while I was at work and my other housemate was in college. For the next month she closed ranks and her problematic behaviour worsened. The cat ****ting in the house became an every day occurrence now, she started breaking more stuff around the house, she'd try to prevent me from going from the kitchen to the living room if she was in there, then threatened me when I gently pushed past her (after she gave me no choice) . The housemate and I discussed whether hiding knives from her was the safest option as I genuinely thought there was a 50 50 chance she would attempt to stab us in our sleep. On the day she had agreed to leave the house it was clear she had made no attempt to plan for it. The housemate, Landlady and I had arranged to be there to confront her, the guy taking over her room was due to move in.

When she rang the guards to make a spurious allegation against the three of us, I think it took the guards all of ten seconds to realise who was in the wrong. She also robbed my personal property on this day by the way. Yet when she decided to sleep outsode the front door in protest , she was happy for us to be 'the bad guys' but the neighbours she plámásed didn't know the absolute terror that woman put me through in the last few weeks.

I learned subsequently that not long before she moved in, she had been issued with a restraining order the stay clear off a lecturer she had been stalking. It was obvious to me she had severe psychiatric issues. We work in the same area now geographically. Occasionally I will see her. I'll stop and either slow down or walk the other direction. I don't want to see her, i don't want to talk to her, i don't want to look at her, I don't want to breathe the same air as her. I'm done with her, However, that woman , as much as she made my life miserable, is still entitled to get on with her life. I wish her well and hope she has turned a corner. I personally don;t think I have the right to begrudge her that.

All I am saying here is that IF and it is a huge if, this man genuinely wants to change, that he be given that opportunity. Not once did I say she should stay with him.

YoungRogerian

GingerLily wrote: »

Curosry glance? You've almost written a book here!

When someone needs advice regarding leaving an abusive relationship I don't think it's wise to consider any empathy to the abuser. Not yet.

I wasn't addressing the OP though. I was addressing the people condemning a man they never met.

dudara

@YoungRogerian - I have no doubt that your advice is well intentioned.

Here in PI/RI, the focus is on helping the OP with constructive, specific advice. Please try to remember that and keep in mind when offering future advice.

dudara

BBFAN

YoungRogerian wrote: »

All I am saying here is that IF and it is a huge if, this man genuinely wants to change, that he be given that opportunity. Not once did I say she should stay with him.

What on earth has any of the above got to do with OP?

No-one is saying this man deserves a life of misery, just that he doesn't deserve the wife he has, that's all.

YoungRogerian

BBFAN wrote: »

What on earth has any of the above got to do with OP?

No-one is saying this man deserves a life of misery, just that he doesn't deserve the wife he has, that's all.

Is it though? The vibe I got from almost all the posts, early on at least is that this man is just pure scum and beyond all redemption. That is how they read anyway. That is all I was reacting to. I just feel deeply uncomfortable condemning a man as a human being when I don';'t know the man personally. That is all I was reacting to. In hindsight I should have said nothing because it was always going to be misinterpreted as 'sticking up for him' which I absolutely was not trying to do. As I say I'll leave it there. Genuinely wasn't looking to start any aggro, much less cause any distress to the OP.

I only raised my own story for an example of someone who made my life hell and who I want as little as possible to do with, but who I still hope they have got their life back on track and bear them no ill will .. People can change and are entitled to. All I was getting at.

Always Tired

My mother got rid of my father (for a different issue) when she had 3 kids and we lived in America, only had one family member to help us, my auntie who lived there also. This was in the 90s. He paid no maintenance, there was no child benefit over there, she never even finished secondary school. she had to work 2 jobs cleaning houses by day, waitressing at night . She got all that stuff about the shame, etc. She stuck to her guns, we all turned out the better for it.

It's not impossible if you want to move on and create a more sane and stable household environment. If she could do it you can if you want. Your kids having to hear their father call their mother such nasty things is going to do more damage tbh. Men don't often change long term in my experience/opinion.

wiggle16

Mod Note:

YoungRogerian, you've already been asked to keep in mind that the point of the thread is to offer constructive advice to the OP. If you do not have constructive advice, please do not post. This is not a discussion forum - and please realise that just because a poster responds to your reply, it does not mean they have misinterpreted you or are having a go at you.

No more back and forth discussion in the thread please, it's becoming disruptive now at this stage and isn't helping the OP. You won't be asked again.

Thanks

Helppls18

Thank you for all the replies.
We endured a very hard Xmas, I was emotionally drained trying to keep things "normal" for the kids.
HB attending a psychotherapist, its helping and marriage counselling starts next week.

punisher5112

Helppls18 wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.
We endured a very hard Xmas, I was emotionally drained trying to keep things "normal" for the kids.
HB attending a psychotherapist, its helping and marriage counselling starts next week.

Why you are staying or keeping him I can't understand but best of luck....

MissShihTzu

Helppls18 wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.
We endured a very hard Xmas, I was emotionally drained trying to keep things "normal" for the kids.
HB attending a psychotherapist, its helping and marriage counselling starts next week.

I'm glad your husband is going to a psychotherapist, and I'm happy to hear that marriage counselling will begin shortly.

But - It's only just after Christmas. How many sessions has he attended for you to say 'It's helping'. It could only have been one or two. The counselling hasn't even started yet.

It's a good start, but you both need to stick at it. Have a time limit in your head as to when to pull the plug, if you feel it isn't working. Life is too short.

Good luck!

ETA: I really hope you're attending marriage counselling alone, OP. I think advice has been given NOT to go together as your husband may well use what you say in there as ammo to attack you further. I also think going alone will sort out what is best for YOU and your kids, especially as you have one on the way.

Helppls18

Sad to say most of you were right he hasnt changed. Hes had a few sessions of therapy, we done couples counselling but its back to me being a bad person for having ONS before him he can't handle it and cant get over it.
He is having hypnosis tomorrow.
Its a last ditch attempt but I don't think I can live like this anymore and will need to seperate, the stress the anxiety the worry. No one knows I've never been as scared or lonely in my life

punisher5112

Helppls18 wrote: »

Sad to say most of you were right he hasnt changed. Hes had a few sessions of therapy, we done couples counselling but its back to me being a bad person for having ONS before him he can't handle it and cant get over it.
He is having hypnosis tomorrow.
Its a last ditch attempt but I don't think I can live like this anymore and will need to seperate, the stress the anxiety the worry. No one knows I've never been as scared or lonely in my life

Reach out to family and friends.....

You aren't alone so don't feel that way.

Don't be ashamed either.

It's a pity more don't look or ask for help.

florawest

Best of luck to you and your children.
Sending you hugs and love.
Take all the help that people offer you.
You need to protect yourself and your lovely children.
Sometimes it takes years before we are strong enough to say it's over and not take him back.
I think (from personal experience)you have to be in a situation to fully understand that it takes time to call it quits and it's never done lightly, but once it's finished that's it there's no taking him back.

Life does get easier and to be able to relax in your own house is so good, no walking on eggshells.

Keyzer

Tell him if he ever, ever brings this up again you are finished - no going back, no excuses, no nothing.

Tell him he cheated on you and you took him back. Tell him anything that happened before you hooked up is history and none of his business. Even more so since he cheated on you.

This guy has a wife and four kids, responsibilities and commitments but all he worries about is your previous love life.

What a total piece of sh1t.

Defunkd

Helppls18 wrote: »

No one knows I've never been as scared or lonely in my life

Then reach out to family and friends. Keeping all this in your head will have you going to a psychotherapist before long.

LegacyUser

OP there are so many red flags that indicate this man is abusive:

- jealousy (a form of control)
- repeated cheating on multiple partners
- anger
- silent treatment
- double standards (it's okay for him to cheat, but not for you to have a one night stand before you were a couple)
- shaming you for your past (one night stands are nothing to be ashamed about)
- using your past as a weapon against you
- regularly bringing up the past
- regularly interrogating you about the past
- false accusations about your past
- verbal abuse (slagging you)
- verbal abuse in front of your children (normalising abusive behaviour to your children)
- hinting at suicidal thoughts when you stand up for yourself
- little effort to change
- he has no respect for you
- acts normally around other people, only abusive when he can hide it from others

- this relationship has emotionally exhausted you
- you are scared of him
- you feel guilty and ashamed for things you don't need to
- you are making all the effort to improve things (codependency)
- your confidence in yourself is in the gutter

I'm sorry to tell you but abusers rarely change, even with therapy. Couples therapy with an abuser is not recommended as they are highly likely to use it to manipulate or punish, or straight up lie their way through it.

Please protect yourself, you deserve so much better than this. Go to therapy by yourself, specifically a therapist who has experience with victims of abuse. Read up on abuse, there's a book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it would be a good starting point for you and might help to clarify what you are going through. No one should feel like this in their marriage, don't allow him to have this level of control over you any longer.

As for your kids, it will do more damage to them to keep them around him while he treats you like this. It will have a long term impact on them and may affect their own relationships as adults. You don't want them to pick up his behaviour and think it's okay to act like this towards the people who love them.

This is hard, but it will be worth it in the longer term.

Big Bag of Chips

What is the hypnosis for?

sbsquarepants

amcalester wrote: »

Your husband sounds like a dick.

This in a nutshell.

Your husband is the one who done the sneaking around and the cheating, on both you and on his last girlfriend, but he has a problem with you sleeping with someone while you were single?

He's a bell end!

Helppls18

Thank you I will get the book

Purple Mountain

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What is the hypnosis for?

I really hope it's not for the jealousy issue of his wife's 'indiscretion'. I would find that very irresponsible of a hypnotherapist if so.

Honeydew3456

OP you really don't need to live this life. I promise you it can be so different. You can be free of all his bull****, because that is all it is HIS bull****. As a result you will be a strong woman and a fab mum to your children. You don't need that dead wood around your neck dragging you down, for what? To what end? Life is too short , your children will be safe and secure with a wonderful happy mum that is not anxious or stressed over an insecure, jealous, controlling, petty man. He doesn't deserve you. A new life is within your reach, a new happy life, for you are your children. Embrase who you are and cut the dick loose!!