In-laws ruining my life!!!

happihat

Anyone out there got advice on how to handle interfering in-laws? I'm a mess here! They just are so manipulative, and condescending control freaks!

ChrissieH

I think it kind of depends on how your husband views them.. some of my in-laws are lovely on a one-to-one basis, some are nasty but collectively they are a nightmare.. they just seem to bring out the absolute worst in each other, and after a few years together, my husband started to see them a but more objectively, I suppose due to experiencing the totally different family dynamic that I have with my family, so it does make it a lot easier now, he still enjoys spending time with them more than I do, but he doesn't expect me to anymore because he understands that I get really stressed out if I'm with all of them at the same time (there's a lot of them!!).
To my mind, they are all really competitive against each other and they have a very judgemental attitude about us in-laws.. like as if nobody's good enough for them, but in short, they just absolutely drain me and stress me out when I'm around them as a group, because I can hear all the bitching and smart-ass remarks going on constantly and I can't be bothered wasting my precious time off being around that vibe.

Thankfully, my husband and I are both of the same mindset now - that we show our faces for a small amount of time and afterwards, if we need to vent about anyone, we both know that we're free to say whatever we want to each other; he doesn't try to defend them just because they're his family (and this works vice versa too.. whenever there's any issues with my family, we have the same attitude - if someone's being an a-hole, they're being an a-hole, it doesn't matter if they're related to me or not)

I suppose basically I'm saying that my personal advice would be to either avoid them as much as you can, ie. set boundaries for yourself; you're not obliged to spend time with them, despite what some people might say to you, and ideally, be in a position where your husband agrees with you because I do think that's very important; knowing that you have his support means a lot, rather than feeling like you're being pitted against a whole family and that his loyalty lies with them.

robbie1

There nothing you can do unless you’re partner is on your side and can see
What damage they are causing
I’m nearly at breaking point over mine and thinking of walking away from my marriage over them

ChrissieH

robbie1 wrote: »

There nothing you can do unless you’re partner is on your side and can see
What damage they are causing
I’m nearly at breaking point over mine and thinking of walking away from my marriage over them

^^^^
This is exactly why you need to have a spouse who's on your 'side' rather than staying loyal to their family of origin.
It's terrible for a marriage to break up because of this and it's why it's so important to be fair to your spouse if they have genuine problems with your family, and vice versa. People being defensive about their siblings or parents, just because it's what was expected of them in their formative years really need to take a step back and be objective, try and see them from an outsider's point of view - anyone with a bit of fairness and rationale should be ok with being asked to do this, especially when their spouse is at breaking point over it.

robbie1

My suitation is desperate my wife is being controlled by her narcissistic mother
I’ve tried everything too make her see but failed but she thinks I’m arguing about her mother,this has been going on for years I really can’t take much more
Her mother minds our daughter while we work and is starting to control my daughter too it’s a nightmare it’s like being married into a cult

RhubarbCrumble

Just throwing my hat into the ring. I can empathise with you all. My partner's mother is an absolute manipulative nightmare and he spends all his time running around after her trying to keep the mammy happy. The thing is NOTHING will ever make her happy. It doesn't matter what he does, it'll never be enough. He can't (or more likely doesn't want to ) see it. It's really, really starting to affect our relationship.

To be quite honest about it, I never ever feel as though I come first in his life. 2018 was a terrible year for me, but it seems that when it comes to any of my problems, he just expects me to 'just get on with it', but it's a different story when it comes to his mother. She constantly pulls the 'little old lady' act and he falls for it every single time.

His aunt said to me recently: "(His mother's name) hasn't half as much wrong with her as she'd like people to think"
Clever lady, his aunt.
Another member of his family have said similar, so I know I'm not being paranoid.

Like robbie1, I'm having serious thoughts about where this relationship (been together for quite a few years, live together etc) is going because I'm sick of being cast aside and ignored all the time.
He's now started asking me to do favours for his mother which I've flat out refused.

This year I can see myself having a massive blow-out with either him or his mother, but either way I've had enough.

robbie1

Your story sounds exactly like me
Only for my daughter I’d be gone in a heartbeat but my fear is if I go then then mother in law would get into my daughters head too
Nightmare

RhubarbCrumble

robbie1 wrote: »

Your story sounds exactly like me
Only for my daughter I’d be gone in a heartbeat but my fear is if I go then then mother in law would get into my daughters head too
Nightmare

My partner went out at 9.30 this morning to take his mother shopping (she's able to drive but refuses to). It's almost 3 now and he hasn't come home yet. She's a 10 minute WALK from Tesco, literally about a 2 minute drive.
We (he and I) were supposed to be going out for lunch today as we're both off, but sure f**k it, I'm only his partner, so obviously I don't count!

Talk about 'the other woman' :mad: If he was actually having an affair I don't think I'd be as pissed off!

robbie1

His mother obviously knows what she’s doing trying to keep him there longer etc
My mother in law does that with my daughter when I collect her after work always delaying me they play games with you to push your buttons
It’s all about crontrol with her
I feel your pain

RhubarbCrumble

Control is the word alright. That and manipulation.
My partner has 3 siblings, but he's the one who does everything. His Dad passed away last year and he was an absolute and utter gentleman. I couldn't say a word against him.
She's a different kettle of fish altogether

Apologies to the OP for dragging your thread off topic here, didn't mean to do that, but at least you know you're not alone. Unfortunately there are a lot more of us putting up with this kind of s**t.

RhubarbCrumble

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

My partner went out at 9.30 this morning to take his mother shopping (she's able to drive but refuses to). It's almost 3 now and he hasn't come home yet. She's a 10 minute WALK from Tesco, literally about a 2 minute drive.
We (he and I) were supposed to be going out for lunch today as we're both off, but sure f**k it, I'm only his partner, so obviously I don't count!

Talk about 'the other woman' :mad: If he was actually having an affair I don't think I'd be as pissed off!

you should read https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/

robbie1

It doesn’t make much difference if you fight with your partner she is his mother and will always be around the control by her is since he was born and one fight is not going to change,it might for a week or two but she will be back I guarantee
I have had so many fights with my wife the last on Xmas eve nothing changes